User Topic: NC letter 8 months from DDay
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

WH began his 3 month affair at an annual meeting for his company. That annual meeting is coming up. I am not going with him due to a number of reasons - my choice and I am comfortable with that.

WH is remorseful - I actually think the A causes him more pain than it does me at this point. The day after I found out (and spoke to OW myself) WH sent her a "We should talk" message to which she never responded.

Which leaves her thinking 1) what they did was insignificant 2) he "settled" for me 3) lord knows what.

I want him to at least write and maybe send her a NC email that says what he really thinks of himself, me and their A. This desire has bubbled to the surface several times over the last few months and I just can't shake it. It feels more present as he will be seeing her at this annual meeting in a few weeks.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I think this is a normal impulse -- the WH/WW emerges from the fog, and the BS wants the AP to know how wrong they were . . how they are sorry, and really, really prefer the BS. How they aren't just "settling," and that all the bull-puckey they told them during the A was just that. It seems like it might balance the scales a little, right? Might make the situation seem a little less unfair?

I don't know. I 100% understand the impulse, but if the AP doesn't know or intuit all that right now, then a letter isn't going to help. I would see the AP as a lost cause, and really, she is only getting more attention if she knows you care enough to think she needs that letter.

Believe me, I'd like nothing better than to phone the AP up and let her know exactly what my H thinks of their "lurve" now, but what would that really accomplish? If she is living in la la land at this point, she could write the letter off as all sorts of things. If she is living in the real world, she already knows. It is looking backwards - not forwards.

I'd focus on your family. You write her a letter if need be, and then flush it. She is a persona non grata - what she should have been all along. Keep her that way!

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

"Just focus on my family" doesn't really work too well. I am a glorified nanny to my step kids and don't have any kids of my own.

WH was never in love with her (and she knows it) rather just her fuck-buddy.

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

My situation is different than yours, but I feel the feelings are the same. Of course we want our WH's to tell the AP's just how little they meant. I know I did.

In our situation the OW fished and stalked my fWH for 6 years after he ended the affair. I knew nothing about the affair. In the 6th year, OW outed the affair to me. We didn't find SI until 8 months after d-day and then first learned about the NC letter.

OW hadn't contacted us since d-day at that point, so we decided to let sleeping dogs lie. However, OW started with the fishing again so at almost 2 years past d-day we sent the NC letter.

The NC brought me much peace. But, as I said, my situation was different than yours, even though OW was nothing more than a

to FWH, OW was in lllllluuuuurrrrrvvvvvvv with FWH. FWH made it clear to OW how he felt about me and the affair (disgusted him) and it really brought me peace even if OW didn't believe a word of it.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Yes, SM - if the AP attempted contact, I think a letter might be appropriate as my H's NC email was kind of boilerplate. (Like, I am going to focus on my family and the hurt I've caused. But, he did send a fuller apology to OBS that indicated where his heart/intentions were.)

But, I really don't want him talking to her in any capacity, because what she thinks or feels no. longer. matters.

(But, is there an itchy part of my brain that would LOVE an email brimming with TRUTH being sent that way? Sure!! )

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

What I see as a bit "unique" in your situation is that your H tried to contact her and then nothing... And now they will be seeing each other. So she may think he still wants contact and if no NC letter is sent, it's possible there will be "confusion" at the conference, right?

I agree with the above posters that there's no point in going into feelings but a concise letter outlining his intentions (R with you) and his expectations (NC) might not be a bad idea. If you guys don't send a letter I would definitely thoroughly discuss how H should deal if she approaches him.

Good luck.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

The fact that she didn't respond speaks volumes to me. She really had no emotional attachment and was content to walk away.

If this were us, while I would not send a letter - right before he sees her - (Morhurt has a point with this)

So she may think he still wants contact and if no NC letter is sent, it's possible there will be "confusion" at the conference, right?

I do think he should be totally prepared for any confrontation (mild or otherwise) that may occur.

Play out every sitch ie: she comes up to say, Hi. Or, she approaches him and asks if he wants to get a coffee, etc.

But it sounds like she is not likely to do that bc she didn't even bother with a response following D-Day.

Still...he needs a plan.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2462 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Yeah, she dropped WH like a hot potato as soon as I found out. In fact the night I found out and called her she was hugely apologetic to me. WH said he thought it was going to fizzle anyway given that he was getting the feeling that he was "one of many" in her life. She takes this kind of thing so casually I do fear she will approach him again. You are all right - he needs to have a plan. Our MC has him on a strict "no drinking" without me present policy too.

Any ideas what a good plan might be?

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Not sure if the conference requires an overnight stay but it sounds like its going to be a stressful time for you wondering what's going on.

My WBF was going to see OW on a business trip weeks after DD and he said he could "handle it". It was only through talking about it and writing here, that I realised this was crazy and there was no way it would be OK. It was cancelled in the end.

We talked about his boundaries and through several scenarios. He struggled and realised that he would need to have extremely strong boundaries in that situation. You can discuss that with him but you don't know what OW will do. I spoke to the OW and said he was planned to be on the same trip and she said she would have found that very difficult. So he can only control himself not her.

You can ask him, what will you do if she ... Speaks to him
Invites him for coffee
Comes to his room
Gets drunk

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Which leaves her thinking 1) what they did was insignificant 2) he "settled" for me....

You can read her mind? You believe what she thinks matters?

I think your H needs to have a strong and clear way of establishing NC if she approaches him, but I just don't see breaking NC with an NC letter.

Any contact can be an invitation for more contact - crickets is best.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10