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Reconciliation
User Topic: 9 months out and still dealing
AfterTheStorm
New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

This is my first time to post, although I've come here often since my discovery. I'm not even sure where to start. I'm still plagued with thoughts and feelings of my H's A, but also all the things I had been dealing with leading up to it. I apologize in advance for sounding scattered and rambling, but this has been on my mind for over 9 months.

The PA started while I was hospitalized on bed rest while pregnant with our second child and continued until something came over me to check the cellphone records. One of my biggest issues is that while I was hospitalized alone for weeks and then sitting vigil by my baby's bedside for 3 months as he was fighting for his life my H chose this as the time to move forward to a PA with the OW. I've tried to explain the pain I feel that when I needed him the most he wasn't there for me. The feelings of abandonment are so strong and I think that has slowed down the recovery for me while he just wants to move forward like it never happened.

Right after discovery, there was quite a bit of blame directed at me and he went through a period of protecting her. Then I dealt with the "when are you going to quit dwelling on this" "how long is it going to take you to get over this" etc. My response has always been "I don't recall getting a manual on this and unless you have some magic manual that will make this go away, you can't put a timeline on my healing". I will say he is much better at being there for me now than he was in the beginning. Our relationship is warm and I want to get over the last few hurdles to make it flaming.

Triggers- although these aren't as bad as they used to be I still experience them from time to time. Based on his past reactions I tend to be hesitant to let him know when I start triggering but it becomes obvious.

Bkg on OW - she was a coworker for almost 5 years. They didn't become friends until about 2 years into working together. At some point in their friendship and before the A she told him her H caught her buying a plane ticket to go meet an XBF. She ended up not going but was planning the trip so that tells me she was on the hunt. She started sharing details of her marriage with my H and he started doing the same. The relationship continued to escalate. In the months leading up to the PA she tried to be my friend and we had dinner with her and her H a few times. She was trying hard to get him to leave me and be with her. Bottom line: this is a chronic issue for her and seems to be genetic since she told him her sister has also been doing the same thing.

I know I should not waste one brain cell on this whore, but from time to time I can't get her off my mind. I go through thoughts of getting back at her in some way. Logically, I know it's not going to solve anything. How do you get over the rage and hate for the OW? I think once I get past my rage toward her I can continue moving forward, but I don't know how. I know this is key to me moving forward.

This is the worst thing I have written, but my mind is all over the place.


Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW
Married-16yrs
Kids-2
DD-4/8/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Bumping so others can read and respond.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
trying1
Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I am only 7 months. H had A while I was pregnant and continued until my youngest was 2. Our son was in NICU. It is a horrible feeling to know that while one of the most precious things, your child, is struggling, the WS was including AP in your personal life. That he was so selfish that he would even have a thought of anything other than his family. It is crushing. I am so sorry that you are here.

I wish you strength, I am sorry you are here. But welcome!!!


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Sadly, I've heard far too many stories of men cheating when there is a major issue or health scare happening somewhere other than his body. Wife has cancer, child is very ill, parent is sick, etc. It seems like when the going gets tough, some men get going - to an affair, that is.

I'm not certain if this is due to the fear of mortality, and wanting a distraction, or a distraction to worrying about the issue at hand, or if these men are resentful because they don't want to deal with all of these bad feelings, and instead go find a way to 'have fun'. After all, they deserve it, right?

I truly believe the answer is one of these, or perhaps a mix of these. I know this - it takes a real class act to cheat while the WS's baby in in NICU.

In this post, I reference men. That is because, in my experience, it is always the man in these types of situations. I'm sure there are a few examples of women cheating in times of crisis, but it seems to happen almost always with men. They run from the issue, whatever it is.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

(((Sending you strength and hugs))) Please take care of yourself and your little ones.

I am sorry you are here, but glad you posted. This is all really new for you, especially if the last TT was just a few months ago. I think it is expected to be scattered-brained, you just had a major trauma happen to you.

Are they NC? If not, read about NC lettters in the Healing Library.

Are both of you able to do IC and MC? I think WH needs to get and read the book "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". It seems like he is rugsweeping and wants to move on. Unfortunately, you will never get over it until you understand why and how.

As for rage in regards to the OW, write a lot of letters but don't send them. That rage will start turning to WH, as he was the one that needed to say NO and be with you. I was just recently able to "let go" of the COW. It takes time.

Hang in there an keep posting!



Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jul 2013
AfterTheStorm
New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Thank you all for your kind words! We went through MC and I did several sessions of IC putting us in a much better place now. Within the first month I had every detail I wanted and then some. His fear in being up front from the beginning was that he didn't want to hurt me. The timing of the whole thing is what hurts the most and the OW knew what was going on with me being in the hospital and that the baby was really premature...but no time is really a good time. Maybe that's where the rage toward her comes from. Her child also had health issues at birth so she knew that emotions were already off. Not to mention whatever he told her about our marriage.

As far as NC, that was in place before he finished dropping the bomb and I witnessed the text where he told her it was done and not to contact him again. A month or so later, I asked that he write a letter to me and a letter to her (the text wasn't sufficient, but the letter was never mailed). Those letters were a turning point when I knew I was ready to start the R process.

He tells me where we are now is the happiest he's been in years. I just wished I could enjoy those feelings as well.


Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW
Married-16yrs
Kids-2
DD-4/8/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I'm 10 months out and can totally relate to what you're feeling. Just tonight it was really hitting me hard how "stuck" I feel. I see positive posts here on the R forum and I so want to feel that kind of positivity, strength, that "we're doing great" spirit.
He tells me where we are now is the happiest he's been in years. I just wished I could enjoy those feelings as well.

This exactly.
And I think I can even go so far as to say that WH is now doing everything right, possible, wonderful - but like you, he hasn't always been that way. And like you, I feel an added injustice in that I had just had our second baby when the A began, was also home with a two year old, and had just spent the previous 8 months nursing WH back to health, where he constantly said things like "I'll never forget everything you've done for me." "If I ever get well I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you." And as you can see by my signature, he didn't make it up to me - not even close.
All affairs are injustice, but in a way I feel uber-injusticed, and that part, I think is getting me stuck, keeping me sad, angry, resentful, and not fully accepting of WH's efforts, which are now, all I could ask for. I'm starting to feel like we're hitting a point where I now need to make a move, grow emotionally, what have you, but it's almost like I resent having to do that.
I'm so sad to read your story AfterTheStorm. I hope you can find your way forward.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ursulagrace
New Member
Member # 41856
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I only just started posting too, in fact it was on Wednesday.
There is some really good advice on posting in the really kind replies I had to my first post. You may find it useful to read, if you haven't already....

topic : my first post .......unsure where to start

Hope this helps. I completely relate to the feeling of being all over the place and I'm sure most of the other members do too. There is so much to deal with, it's hardly surprising.

May I ask about your WH OP being a co-worker? Is that still the case. I find it so hard to stop thinking about OP as my WH is still working in the same office as her. It took about 5 months for WH to accept that he needed to find another job and it has helped now that he is seriously looking for a different job.

Is this something you've considered. Would your WH be willing to move jobs? I've read in many articles and in posts here that it's an absolute requirement for reconciliation.

So so sorry that you've had all this to deal with, whist dealing with a poorly baby. You must be incredibly strong even if you don't feel you are.

((((((Hugs)))))))


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 15 yrs
2 children, 13yrs & 9yrs
First DD 08.08.2003, last DD 02.07.2013
8 affairs in total, 6 EA/sexting, 2 PA
Last PA started Sept 2011,ended July 2013.


Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
AfterTheStorm
New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 17th (Friday)

No, they no longer work together. The PA started about the time she was leaving the company and she moved jobs about 10-15 miles away. My H also left the company shortly there after and was working about 2 miles from her new job and still does. He put a tracking app on his phone though so that I can look to see where he is and where he's been. It alerts me if he goes anywhere near her known locations.

I also should mention that she left her husband and has since divorced him, but she moved to an apartment about 1 mile from my H office.


Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW
Married-16yrs
Kids-2
DD-4/8/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
AfterTheStorm
New Member
Member # 42037
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, January 17th (Friday)

No, they no longer work together. The PA started about the time she was leaving the company and she moved jobs about 10-15 miles away. My H also left the company shortly there after and was working about 2 miles from her new job and still does. He put a tracking app on his phone though so that I can look to see where he is and where he's been. It alerts me if he goes anywhere near her known locations.

I also should mention that she left her husband and has since divorced him, but she moved to an apartment about 1 mile from my H office.


Me-BS 39
Him-WS 39
EA 2+ years/PA 6 months with COW
Married-16yrs
Kids-2
DD-4/8/13

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 10