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Reconciliation
User Topic: boundaries for both BS and WS
authenticnow
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Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

When FIL died we got some money and started working with a financial planner. BS and his sister met with her in the state where FIL lived after he died. She is a very friendly woman, she took them for lunch, offered her condo to them to stay at, etc. Many texts back and forth, phone calls, etc., some involving me when he got back home.

She came to our home to go over some things with us and was again, very friendly to both of us. She seemed a little too friendly to H, but I took it as their familiarity from their having met a couple of times before.

He's in touch with her regularly, as we set up some financial things, and he's the money guy in our family. Her DD got sick and I guess she told him when they spoke around Christmas. I texted her because it was pretty serious, sending good thoughts and prayers, etc.

Last night H gets a text after he went to bed at around 9:45 and I see it's from her with a pic of her DD and a car. I didn't even read it.

I mentioned it to H today and he said, 'Oh yeah, she told me she got her DD a new car after she recovered from her illness'. I said, 'Do you think it's appropriate that she's sending you pics of her daughter?' He said, 'I don't know, it's not really anything'. Then he said, 'Don't people ask about our kids and you talk to them about them?' and I said, 'Yes, but I wouldn't send them a picture. An old guy at work just asked me about DD and I told him she's doing great but I'm not about to text him a pic of her'. Then H went, 'Oh...yeah, I guess you're right'. Kind of like an a-ha moment for him.

I find it eye-opening how easily and subtly the boundaries can be stripped away without us even realizing it. I've become super-vigilant, and I am in no way worried about H and this woman. I just wanted him to be aware that this was happening, and how subtle it was.

I do have my eye on her though. She needs to back off a little bit. And I'm going to ask H not to respond to her when she texts about personal things.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

(((AN & LD)))

I'm really glad you two talked about it...you both are such dear, dear people

I'd keep my eye on her too


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197926 | Registered: May 2002
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I'd keep my eye on her too

Hell, yeah. And H is a good catch and rather clueless when it comes to that so...I'm on it .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

But he's so cute!!


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197926 | Registered: May 2002
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I'm going to ask H not to respond to her when she texts about personal things.
That is a good idea. Yeah, that is way out of bounds, imo, sending pictures of her DD, and at 9:45 PM. Who does that shit? Would a male financial planner be doing that with your WH? I would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 3:32 PM, January 16th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9702 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I hold myself to the same standards as I do my WH. If it's innappropriate for him, then, it is for me as well.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I
would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture.

That's what I was thinking. She doesn't even have the time zone change to account for the late text either! Her boundaries are definitely fuzzy...makes me worry about her math.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

I would be interested to know if she sent your SIL the same picture
I doubt it because my SIL is dealing with complications from her breast cancer surgery and has been anti-social (due to just having so much on her plate) for a year now. She interacts the bare minimum with the planner and mostly goes through her brother to get things clarified, or her H deals with the planner. I'm pretty sure BIL did not get that text.

She lives in Cali, but still, not cool. Forgot to mention, she calls H to discuss a lot of things when she's running on her treadmill. Totally unprofessional.

I do want to add that she handled FIL's money for many years and made him a lot of money so she knows her shit.

She's single, btw. Not that it matters, as we all know.

Thanks for reinforcing that H and I need to be vigilant about this (and all our boundaries). Makes me feel like I'm not being a WS blameshifter or overreacting.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

AN, I don't see it as you being a *F*WS blameshifter, I see it as you seeing her behavior for what it is... since you exhibited that behavior yourself, once upon a time.

Also, now your H can understand (a little) just how slippery that slope is and how a person can find themselves on it without realizing it.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5890 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Thank you, Clarrissa.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Holy WTF!

That is so strange.

I would never send a photo of my child to a work associate, that's odd.


But then this made me go hmmmm

I've become super-vigilant, and I am in no way worried about H and this woman.

I think you and I and our sitch's are similar so I see alot of you and LD's healing in ours. I feel the same way about my H, I don't worry about him being inappropraite, but sometimes they don't see inappropriate and I wonder if we are that much more in-tuned or are we just more suspicious?
Do we trust less? Just a wonder...

Does that make sense?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

It's a strange work associate relationship. She develops personal relationships with her clients (because she wants our money to invest so she can make money!). She sends us pies and hams on the holidays. She offers her clients time at her condo in Florida. When she came here she took us for dinner.

Maybe I do trust less. I know I trust him but I don't take anything for granted. Maybe I'm afraid because life is very good right now.



Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, January 16th (Thursday)

Sending pies and Ham's are one thing, my husband gets beer, cakes, free meals from work associates.

Personal pictures about their kids, not so much.

She needs to learn where to draw the line.

I know I trust him but I don't take anything for granted. Maybe I'm afraid because life is very good right now.

I understand.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:23 AM, January 17th (Friday)

It's definitely a good thing to be mindful of boundaries! It sounds like you are tuned in to them, and I hope your H will be as well. Respectfully and gently, if I recall rightly you two are MHers? Have his boundaries been pretty strong and this was one thing that kind of slipped under the radar for him? Or does he have trouble recognizing when certain boundaries are being crossed? During his A, were the boundaries crossed subtly in the beginning as well?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 5:10 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Our realtor is also very friendly. But, she sends ME the pictures of her kids... (Or a card addressed to both of us). She develops a relationship with all of her clients... But she never texts. She is very mindful of boundaries.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 4:59 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I don't know, that whole "I trust you, but not her" is kinda a copout if you ask me. If you truly trusted him, what she does shouldn't matter.

I think maybe its because its how you fall into what happened in the past. Is it fair for you to step in? Sure you say I'm protecting my marriage and making it known that the lines can be blurred.

I say trust 100% til you have reason not to. Just my opinion, maybe its not worth much.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Yes silverhopes, madhatters. His boundaries have been very strong, this one did kind of just slip under the radar. Which I can totally relate to because I did it a couple of months ago, in oblivion, not realizing that I was disrespecting marital boundaries (I posted about a guy FB friend requesting me and I messaged him back and started a conversation). It was an eye opener.

Steadfast, that's a good point. I would think nothing of it if she was sending me the pic. And I opened the door to it when I texted her awhile ago sending good wishes for her daughter when she was ill yet she still chose to send it to my H.

2years, I disagree. It's a matter of respecting the M, even if one never cheats. "Never given a reason not to trust"? Well, my H and I have both been given huge reasons not to trust each other in the past. We are choosing to trust now, and we behave in trustworthy ways, but keeping this woman (or anybody) outside the walls of the M is important. And if either of us has been neglectful in recognizing this, it's worth examining, IMO.

And no, she doesn't matter. But I won't have her thinking she can be texting my H pics of her daughter with a friendly, casual message attached at 10:00 at night is okay.


[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:19 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Oh, sorry did know the MH thing. In that case I guess you have cause.

I'm from a different school, I trust 100%. I was all in with my exWW. We tried to R, well honestly I didn't try. For me if I can't go all in then I'm all out.

With my second wife I'm back to 100%. I fell no matter how much gas I keep in the helicopter I can't hover enough to prevent infidelity so why hover at all. I know kinda odd coming from a former BS.

One day I will tell you all my story.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Oh, sorry did know the MH thing. In that case I guess you have cause.
It's okay . Either way, I still think the same rules apply to both, though.

With my second wife I'm back to 100%. I fell no matter how much gas I keep in the helicopter I can't hover enough to prevent infidelity so why hover at all. I know kinda odd coming from a former BS.
Our attitude is the same. There is no hovering. Now it's just rebuilding the M, transparency and truth, and communicating well.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Yeah, that whole, I trust him but not her thing... She does matter. I listened to that whole "Regardless of her motives, I trust him." That ended with an NC letter, after a 3 month EA... Slopes become slippery when even one of the parties have loose boundaries. It doesn't matter how far we are into R, people like that have no business in our lives.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I should text her, "Listen, just stick to making our money grow so we can retire comfortably and stop texting my husband!"

Just kidding, I'm not going to do that(yet), but I am going to talk to my H tonight.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Trusting, to me mean not having to remind about boundaries.

Example, my sister and husband own a gentlemens club, I guess its about as classy as one of those places can be. From time to time I would fill in for them. My wife, then gf voiced she was uncomfortable with me being there. Ok boundary set. I haven't set foot in that club in 8 years. Not because she has to remind me, but because she trust me not to.

If you truly trust then you would trust him to handle it. I get telling him about the discomfort, now trust that he will handle it.

I'm not trying to put you in a box, no two relationships are the same. I spent two years choosing to trust, I would rather trust because I have no reason not to.

[This message edited by 2yrsblind at 6:05 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 17th (Friday)

2yrsblind,

Whatever works .

I just know that I spent a lot of years holding in feelings and that never worked for me/us. Each time one of us opens up about something that makes us uncomfortable, it leads to more closeness and better communication tools for the future.

I'd hate to waste all the money we spent for years in IC/MC to not use those tools


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, January 17th (Friday)

Communication is awesome, when your comfortable enough to express your feelings and thoughts. It was a lack of that which actually lead to the end of my first marriage. She wasn't so I didn't, chicken or egg? I chose to withdraw she chose another man. After finding out, I spent a year with boundaries and control. I became a monster a departure from my natural state. I didn't like the man looking at me in the mirror.

Slight T/J

I have the upmost respect for people like you. When my wife and I started dating she asked me about my ex, the relationship and my regrets. I paused and thought about (first instinct was to lie) I then told her "I've loved that woman everyday since I was 15 years old. My love for her has changed, but its there. My only regret is I didn't have the balls to forgive her" she then asked do I wish I was still with her. "No, that time has passed, I do wish I could have made an honest effort to make it work. I don't know if we could, I do regret not really trying". She said WOW, not what I expected. Later she told me it was that moment she knew I was her "THE ONE"

I failed and it bugs me, even worse I quit. So I commend you, your husband and others like you.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 17th (Friday)

I don't see it as you being a *F*WS blameshifter, I see it as you seeing her behavior for what it is

agreed


Each time one of us opens up about something that makes us uncomfortable, it leads to more closeness and better communication tools for the future.

tactful: "your dd is lovely, although I don't see the reason for sharing pictures of her with me as it has nothing to do with my financial planning. We keep our personal life and business dealings separate, please do the same when dealing with our account/money."

blunt: "stop texting me unless it's concerning my account/money. I find it unnecessary and very unprofessional."


I'm sure the two of you will deal with this with grace and tact... or bluntness and a 2x4.. either way, you'll deal with it together, and that's what's important.

[This message edited by unfound at 10:18 AM, January 17th (Friday)]


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14852 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 17th (Friday)

For some reason this post stuck with me overnight and so I decided to comment. I think this woman's boundaries suck (the treadmill thing!!) and you guys have every right in the world to put it straight. She is not your friend, you are her clients.

Do this: "I should text her, "Listen, just stick to making our money grow so we can retire comfortably and stop texting my husband!""

Or even better have H send it. If it hurts her feelings? Oh well. Not your problem. She's stepping out of line and it's not ok with you guys. Let her know that.

BTW, you guys are awesome and inspiring. :)


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to respond.

I talked to H this morning. I told him that I read the text exchange between him and X. I told him that I thought it was inappropriate and that it felt like bad boundaries and asked him if the next time she texts him something personal would he please ignore. He said absolutely.

I said if she doesn't get the message after you ignore the personal stuff a couple of times, then we're going to have to say something to her. He said okay.

I like the responses that you guys came up with and I hope I don't, but I might have to use one of those. We'll see what happens.

I just want to say how freeing it is to be able to speak my truth to my H. I didn't know how to use my voice for a lot of years. This is so much better .

Thanks so much for helping me work through this.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Nice work, AN. I totally agree with how you are feeling about it and how you handled it.

It's interesting, because my stockbroker deals with me on one account and my FWH on another. He has texted me pics a couple of time of him on bike rides (he took up cycling recently). Once it had his kids in it. We've known him and his wife and kids for years. We were friendly before we hired him. But I've never responded to a picture, ever, and always shared with my spouse. It's just...a little bit off.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 17th (Friday)

Thanks, Rebreather. My gut is telling me that she's just really friendly and a schmoozer and it's nothing. One time when we first started working with her she was on speaker phone working with both of us and it was a two hourlong phone call because she talks so much. But like you said, it just feels off. And I want to be a unified front and not allow her to think that texting just H pics of her daughter and chatting him up is okay.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, January 17th (Friday)

two hourlong phone call because she talks so much
OMG, she's totally a female Dan.

I like boundaries. Boundaries smell nice and feel nice. I liked enforcing this boundary; whether I am the wayward or not. Protecting my integrity and my marriage are my top priority.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6484 | Registered: Jan 2011
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, January 17th (Friday)

I feel the same way. Enforcing boundaries is empowering.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37745 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 31