Topic: For those successfully in R-part 2
Member # 41690
| Posted: 3:45 PM, January 16th (Thursday)|
My H has verbally given me times and locations of the A, but I'm wondering if there's an added benefit to having him write out a timeline, like other SI folks have indicated. I'm not sure if they ask for the timeline if they haven't been given specific information or not. I haven't been given the teeny tiny details, but more of a general sense of the # of encounters, locations and time of year. Do you think it's overkill for me to now ask for a written out timeline if my H is already talking to me about the details?
Also--I've finding that I can't figure out the balance between talking about the A with him, expressing the pain I'm in, doing household functions and working on the R. Do you find you can do all those things in one day, or do you find you spend an entire day where everything coming out of your mouth is about the A and pain and nothing else? In looking back, I think I talk about the A and the pain I'm going through every minute we're together, with very little spent on rebuilding our future and doing needed tasks, like cleaning. Everything else seems so trivial now. And I fear that part of my recovery is to get everything about the A off my chest....maybe at one point, I burn myself out? Or maybe this is the way I'll be for the rest of my life since it's really hard to "get over." Any advice on how much of the day you find yourself talking to your WS about the A? Thanks.
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring
Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Member # 38391
| Posted: 3:57 PM, January 16th (Thursday)|
I'm wondering if there's an added benefit to having him write out a timeline,
I think so. I don't have one and I wish I did.
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry
Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 40954
| Posted: 4:40 PM, January 16th (Thursday)|
At first, I felt like I was talking about the A and the pain non-stop. For me, it took three or four months to go an hour without thinking about it, and affected EVERYTHING. I was so devastated, I would go to work and get nothing done. I own my own business, so I didn't have anyone who held my feet to the fire, and I struggled. I couldn't get anything done around the house, I couldn't function. It felt like everything was a lie, and my mind was working overtime. I was exhausted all the time because I couldn't sleep.
BUT the upside is it gets better. If I read your history right you are only a month or so from D-day. I am seven months now, and now I make it a few days with only flashes of, "oh yeah, my H cheated on me". I get sad, but the lows are not the debilitating low it was at first.
My H and I had to find time to talk about it not during work hours for him, because it would make him as non-functional as me.
Our MC described it like this: You have an injury and it is real and it hurts (like a huge gaping gash on your leg). You do the immediate emergency care, and stop the bleeding, but the wound takes time to heal. It doesn't immediately stop hurting. Its there and needs to be taken care of. You would bandage it and care for it so it doesn't get worse, but as much as you want it to just be done, it takes time for it to heal. There are somethings you can do that make the pain less (like talking, NC, etc.)things you have control over, but the injury is still there, and there are things that only time can heal.
For me it has been a couple months where I could step back and say, "What made this happen?" and not be on another emotional roller coaster.
Take care of yourself. Do the things that really must be done (i.e. feed the kids), but don't obsess that your blinds aren't spotless or your floors.
You won't be this way forever!
Me: 40 (BS)
LTA: 3 years
Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 39667
| Posted: 4:51 PM, January 16th (Thursday)|
I think there is a therapeutic value in it for BOTH of you. For him, he goes through the exercise of seeing what a terrible person he was during that time, that he was capable of doing all of those things, lying, deceiving. For you, you get confirmation that you weren't crazy to think something was up/that was odd/why did he do that?
My WH is in sex addiction therapy and providing a "full disclosure" of the affair was part of his therapy. SAs are supposed to provide a disclosure of all sexual acting out from the time you were a committed couple. All I have received so far was the timeline of the affair. I know how they first got together (invited to go to a concert with one of his friends and one of her friends - I am guessing his friend was cheating on his wife, too…), how they first hooked up but did not have sex, how they pursued one another for a few months before having sex, all of the trips they took, what other friends were involved, what gifts he gave her, etc. He had to read it to me in front of his therapist and our marriage counselor. It made him sound ridiculous. THAT is the therapeutic value…all of those things that seemed like such a great idea at the time…turned out to cause him a lot of pain to himself and his family and everything came at a very high cost.
BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"
Posts: 891 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 31240
| Posted: 11:23 AM, January 17th (Friday)|
Well, if New York means Manhattan, what would you expect?
Actually, what you describe sound pretty normal for anybody 6 weeks out from D-Day.
One way to make your intensity subside - the way I chose - was to ask Qs and share my feelings when you feel like asking or sharing. Eventually the spirit started moving me less and less. For me, that took 3 months.
One suggestion that you may be following already: share anger with 'I'm angry that...' or 'I'm furious about....' Don't call names. Sticking with 'I'm angry' helps you let the anger out without driving him away anywhere near as much as name-calling.
The TL serves both of you in different ways, and you can control only yourself. Does it give you what you want now? If so, that's great, and it's sufficient as well, IMO.
If it doesn't give you what you want, it needs more work. It may be a good idea to do that together, using what you have as a base, and filling in blanks with Q & A.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10047 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
|Topic Posts: 5|| |