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User Topic: How do I turn this around
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Cool  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Hello everybody. I've been on this site for at least a month now, reading every post and searching for answers. I decided to post tonight because I'm looking for some direction. My story is long, but I really don't have the energy. I've read the "healing library" and about every post out here.

My WW has been in an affair since the end of November. She leaves every weekend, drives 175 mile s and stays with the AP. Ww wife and I live in the same house, but are saparated. I'm trying to move on with my life by staying busy and aovoiding her. Going to divorce care classes.

We have been together 7 plus years and married 3-1/2. No kids together, but I do have 4 from a previous marriage.

I'm practicing the 180 as best I can. Currently I stay downstairs and her upstairs. We barely talk and she shows no interest in me. Earily on I took what money was mine and opened a saparate bank account. She has a little dog and leaves it with me when she takes off for the weekends. I plan to start charging her for boarding on weekends. Pretty petty, huh? But there not much else I can do. I keep looking for signs of her breaking up with the AP and coming back to our marriage, but see none. I'd like some advice on how to turn this situation around and repair the marriage. I know it's not up to me, it's all on her. How do I get her to see me again?


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
ok2014
New Member
Member # 42060
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Wish I could help but I am in the same boat with you unfortunatelly I have two teenagers ..... My WH just made it official tonight that he chose the OW... hang in there!


ME BS
HIM WH
2 teenage kids
Separated
Calls OW a leech......I just wonder what he calls me..


Posts: 28 | Registered: Jan 2014
scarednbroken
Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do if she is not interested in R. Take care of you. Get out and do something you want to do and let her see you can be happy without her.

I agree. Either the fur baby goes with her or you charge or she can kennel. Seriously. Not your responsibility. I'd do it. It isn't petty.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, January 18th (Saturday)

There is little more you can do.

You should kick her out - it may help clear the fog. Do you have children?

Is the other dickhead married? Does he have children?

At some point she will realize that a relationship built on lies and on hurting the person who loves her the most can't work. But you can't tell her that - she won't hear you.

I'm so sorry for you.

[This message edited by Daddo at 11:37 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2505 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

How do I get her to see me again?
You don''t.
Sorry, but that''s the truth. She isn''t showing the slightest sign of being interested in R at all. From what you''ve described she won''t either.

I feel for you. I was there myself. I did the 180 on my gf of 5 years before I knew what the 180 was. We lived together 4 of those years. The 180 didn''t do anything to change her mind and it wasn''t supposed to. It was to help me detach and heal. I get the sense that you''re hoping the 180 will effect her. You need to stop expecting anything from her at all. Focus on you. You have your children and your own life.

I plan to start charging her for boarding on weekends. Pretty petty, huh?
Just let her know she has to board the dog. Period. No discussion. You''re not her dogwatcher. You''re her husband and if she doesn''t want to be in the M anymore then she doesn''t get to enjoy your support. I agree with Daddo, get her out of the house. You have kids from a previous M so you''re the custodial parent. The courts will side for the kids which means the house stays with them and you. Get her out of there...like yesterday.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 4:48 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

From what I've read the affair is like an exit affair where it was flanted in may face when it started. I guess I was suppose to file as a emotional reaction, but I haven't. She keeps saying the marrage is over and that she is going to file but she hasn't either, yet. The other day she said that if I wasn't going to take care of the dog then she'd just have her "friend" visit here for the weekends instead. I'm planning on charging her for weekend boarding of the dog. I have been trying to "move on" by building a support group from past friends who I haven't seen in years and becoming active in "meetup". But I can't get her out of my head. I've asked her to leave the house, she refuses. She considers the home hers eventhought I've lived here since 1995. Note though I did sell her the house just before we got married (long story) and it is in her name. I don't want to and am unwilling to leave! I find myself hoping the affair will end and even find way to think it is ending. But I'm just fooling myself. My problem is that I'm a pleaser and I agree with what ever she says, almost automatically only to later realize what I've done and do the opposite. I need to "grow my balls back". I've been taking my showers and getting dressed in the master bedroom. Today, I'm going to move my cloths downstairs and begin living a completely saparate life from her.

She seems very unhappy during the week and then leaves on the weekends. I don't want to give up, but I know the very best think I can do is give up. I am doing the 180 by staying away as much as I can when she's here and not talking to her when were here together. She is a very stubborn person and in my opinion narcissistic. I'm doing a lot of little things that piss her off and take away her control. But i really don't confront her or argue. Execpt once where it ended in nothing but namecalling and hurtful comments. I can't believe that I even want this marriage to work out she has turned in to such an unbelievable bitch! I don't know what I'm trying to hang on to.

I'm not going to file right now so please don't tell me too. And I'm not going to move out! What I need is a strategy to kick her off the fence and/or out of the fog.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

The best you can do given that you don't want to move out or file is to lead a life separate from hers..

This will help whether or not you have hope for R..

Shore up your support network.. Put yourself in a position where you have stuff to do, people to see on your own, without WW..

Your goal is to thrive living on your own without WW..

Please, please do protect yourself financially and with any custody issues, if you have any..

Your WW may pull more rugs out from under your feet.. She may try to spend all of the marital savings, get you in trouble/kicked out of the house on false DV charges, etc, etc...

At least being forewarned and protected can help..

I am in similar situation ( in house separation)..My WH is un remorseful, no hope of R..

If a time comes when you decide that you are done and R is not possible anymore, I have a few helpful hints below...

Even though I would love to be in a decent position to file for D NOW, if I filed today it would be extremely poor timing and hurt me in the long run..

So living a separate life without taking WH's preferences, schedule, etc, is what is saving my sanity..

I know I risk the possibility of being 1/2 responsible if WH accumulates charges on his credit cards..

Filing for D would stop the bleeding in this respect..But all credit cards are in his name only.....

My WH knows that there is no hope for R but I haven't asked for a divorce to happen within a particular time frame..

I am waiting for my status (financial, employability) to change..I have also been waiting for WH's status to change, which it did this past week..

WH is now employed as of a week ago..This is the first time he has held a job in two years..

We have been married 37 years..

So be mindful of how much time you want to stay in the same house with WW when there is no hope for R..

Be wary of timing and its impact on you if/when you file for divorce.. Keep this timing in mind..

Don't let your WW know of your intention to divorce her until you have finances and living situation figured out and protected..

This has been my way of doing things, because I am anticipating that my WH will go BALLISTIC and off the rails when he finally gets served..

Sending you strength

[This message edited by doggiediva at 2:08 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry that you are married to a sociopathic bitch!

The marriage is dead. Let it go. File and soon. Seriously. And please don't leave the master bedroom.

Put her crap downstairs...or better yet when she leaves the next time, change or add a new lock to the house! And throw he crap on the curb.

Time for the 180!!!

Your right, you are going to have to find your balls. There right there where you left them. You will just have to get hot and angry enough to let them drop down!!!

Keep posting, we are here for you.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Thanks for all of the advice. I did some smart moves back in December. I cashed out our joint account taking my money from the home sale and about 40% of our joint checking account. Opened my own accounts and got a credit card in my name only. Actually, I did move out for about a day, but was advised to stay in the home so I moved back. I've been building my support group and have been keeping pretty busy. Like yesterday I went cross-country skiing with a group of people and that was a great time. I've already move into the downstairs and am glad to be out of the master bedroom. I can now come and go as I please without even seeing the bitch.

I'm not going to file just yet, because all it will do is vindicate her in her own mind. I have contacted a lawyer and am prepared to defend myself as necessary (when necessary).

Now, it is time for me to focus on becoming the best I can be, to heal and move ahead. And moving ahead means to wait it out for a little while, while I figure out the next step. Time is on my side right now, the toughest part is getting her out of my head. What I mean by that is to stop thinking about what she's doing or where she might be. Instead I have to focus on making me happy for a change. I read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and could really relate. I going to use this situation to grow and learn not be be such a sucker. I ging to use my situation to become asertive and determined. I finding that the more I do the smaller WW becomes. Yes, this situation sucks, but there is grow here for me. The growth I talking about I must go through. I will keep posting and keep you informed of WW behavior as time progresses.

Believe me I feel the pain, every moment of everyday. But I've learned my pain is normal, to be embraced and is all part of the healing process.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

I'm very sorry for your pain.

What I need is a strategy to kick her off the fence and/or out of the fog.

As gently as possible, if you think that's possible, you haven't understood what you've read here. You can't control her.

The strategy that's most likely to pay off for you is

Donít
Even
Think
About
Changing
Her

I don't think you've understood where your W's head is. She's trying to force you to file.

As I read this thread, I can't help thinking you're in denial, and I wish you weren't.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:23 PM, January 19th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

@sisoon

Thank you, especially for DETACH (don't even think about changing her). This I must do. Also, you are right, she is trying to force me into filing. My filing would vindicate her behavior which is one of the reasons I am not! I've been doing everything she wanted me to for years. It's cost me tens of thousands of dollars, legal custody of my kids, all of the assets I own and now a broken heart. I tired of doing what she wants! It's time for me to do what's right for me. I'm not ready to file, I'm not strong enough to demand what I want yet. I do have a lawyer lined up for when she files, but for now I must heal. I have nothing to loose by waiting and everything to gain.

You are also right, I am in some kind of denial, but I recongize this marriage is over! I don't want her back the way it was and I can't trust her enough to want her back any other way. She is broken, coming for a long history of infidelity in previous marriages when she has been the WW. And now she's playing the same game with me. Her issues! Her problems!

But I am broken too, e.g. Mr. Nice Guy for far too many years. It's time for me to repair (reboot if you will).

Why do we, all of us BS, have to put up with the crap our WS has to serve us? Why do we have to roll over and die? Or live in pain for years, because our WS delivered us their problems. I don't believe we do, instead we can shove their crap right back in their face. And the only way I can see how to do that is to be strong, be better. If the day should come where my WS wants back because she finally sees the man I've become well, I plan to have moved on with no desire to allow another Pod in my life. The hell with her, she'll feel her misery some day.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

My filing would vindicate her behavior which is one of the reasons I am not! ...I tired of doing what she wants!

A suggestion - ignore what you think she does or does not want, and go for what you want and need. If the best thing for you is to prepare for D, that's what you ought to do, even if that's what she wants you to do.

Don't hurt yourself because what she wants you adds up to being good to yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Wise words....... I know that is a major part of what I'm struggling with, deciding what I want and doing what's best for me. My heart is telling me I want my wife back and my head is telling me I don't. She just isn't the kind of person I want or need in my life. I know this but continue to fight it. Which is another reason why I'm not ready to pursue divorce, I don't know for sure what it is that I want.

The best thing for me to do, as you've said, is to prepare for divorce and I think I'm doing that at least financially. Emotionally now, that's a bit different. Because of my confusion and tendency to act first and think later, I'm putting the breaks on. Instead I've set a date, for when I will make some longterm decisions. Until then I have to focus on me and regain my emotional health. Between now and then I am practicing the 180. It's more difficult to have no contact with us both in the same house however and I am been civil in a limited capacity.

On another note WW came home tonight, and it hurts because I know where she's been. I have to laugh however, she no soon got home and settled in for our next long coming week of hell when she had to pack a leave again. She said something came up, I suspect the AP has had some car trouble and she now has to drive the 175 mile to solve his problem. Of course I'm just guessing here, but something unusual has definitely has happen. WW didn't appear to be real happy about leaving..... May the karma bus continue to strike.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

Dude. She's not going to file for divorce, no matter how many times she tells you that she sees the marriage as *over*. You're making it too easy on her -- she's having her cake and eating it too. Why would she upset the apple cart?

Don't charge her a *boarding fee* for the dog. Next time she leaves without the dog, take the dog and drop it off at a boarding place. Text her and tell her that *something came up* and her dog is at <abc boarding> and she needs to pick it up when she returns.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I can't believe the similarities in our situation, even the timing of the affair. We were over less than 2 weeks before we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary in NY! My WH never stood up to me & let me call all the shots, housework, paying bills & decorating the house, where we went on holiday - EVERYTHING! The only thing he had to worry about was what to watch on tv!
My H also left his dog (mothers) & cat for me to take care of while he was out in fantasy land & just assumed I would take care of them! This lasted a month, then I demanded he move all his stuff out, including his Harley as I was over him coming & going to get the bike & show off to the OW/ she bloke.

I've also been holding out hope that he will come back. But in all seriousness I don't think I could get over the betrayal & I know I could never trust him again. There is so much out there on couples who reconcile after affairs & have a much stronger relationship that I think it is giving us false hope.

Ironically, my H never stood up to me & would avoid conflict at all costs "what man doesn't avoid conflict" he says...
Anyway, his mother was very domineering & I think he was used to the woman taking the lead. So you can guess how shocked I was when I found out! He was so level headed & sensible.

Like you my heart is overruling my head! And I know he is not worthy but it does not stop the pain. I find that with each day that passes & I do not see him & focus on his lies & deceit I get stronger. I am not crying as often. And I'm realizing that I am better off without him & it's the rejection & fear of the unknown future that is the most daunting.

The other thing that annoys me is that our partners are out there without a care in the world & enjoying their fantasy lives at the expense of our broken lonely hearts

Clearly, I need to focus more on the 180 myself & less on him.

You seem to be coping much better since your first post! Keep up the strength. As Bob H says "this will pass"


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Daddo
Member
Member # 4504
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

It doesn't matter who files first - if the marriage is over, and it is, just get it over with. The question of who it vindicates is meaningless.

Being in that house while she is off with the WS is harmful for your emotional health. You can't heal while that is happening.

You can't fix her, you have to fix yourself.

That said, it would be sweet if you got a GF and had her visit while your WS was away. Childish perhaps, but....


It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2505 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Absolutely do not get a GF until you D.

1) that constitutes a retreat from the high ground and gives your WS lots of ammunition against you. It brings in another big issue between you tat takes away from the A. In a D action, it puts you on your W's level.

2) I get the desire for a revenge A, but if you want to keep your self-respect, you need tp control your desires, especially the ones that dump you into the same shit your W is in.

3) You're wounded badly, too wounded to be able to keep someone good around. You're lousy relationship material right now, so what you'll get is a lousy relationship.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I agree, I not ready for a GF or another relationship. Regrading staying in the home, the weekends are the best part. She's not here and I have peace. It's during the week that's most difficult! I'm practicing 180 and NC and so is she. The major issue is that she rubbing the AP in my face. For example, tonight I came home after spending the evening with my kids and she in the livingroom talking to AP on the phone. I asked her a question and we had a brief exchange of words, then she tells AP she's talking to idiot. Well that really pissed me off because that's what she use to call her exhusband. So I called her a few names and slammed the door and left. Well I came back and she's still talking t the A-hole. I'm ready to go up there and sit right next to her.......

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Well I did it, I went up there and sat down, I said, we need to talk. She said she's on the phone. I said, you need to hang up...... Basically it ended with her going to the bedroom and telling me to FO..... More to come, the B came down stairs while talking the AP. She put him on speakerphone and he's a real ass....... anyway, I'm pissed!!

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Well I did it, I went up there and sat down, I said, we need to talk. She said she's on the phone. I said, you need to hang up...... Basically it ended with her going to the bedroom and telling me to FO..... More to come, the B came down stairs while talking the AP. She put him on speakerphone and he's a real ass....... anyway, I'm pissed!!

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

TryingToReboot,

Have you talked to an Attorney to have your legal and financial rights explained to you?

Can I ask two questions (and you have no obligation to answer):

---As a long-time Realtor I don't understand: WHY did your sell the WW your home? This doesn't make sense to me; unless your were trying to hide assets for some reason?

---You stated: Your WW has had affairs in the past. Were you involved in one of her affairs....were you a previous OM of your wife's?

She is broken, coming for a long history of infidelity in previous marriages when she has been the WW. And now she's playing the same game with me. Her issues! Her problems


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I sold her the house just before we got married because uncle sam had that great deal for 1st time home owners by paying $8,000. We were getting married anyway so it made sense. I meet her after she was divorce and was not one of her affairs.....

Yes, I have an attorney, but for the moment it makes most sense financially for me to wiat to file.... long story that I don't want to get into..


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

(((Reboot)))

Dont even give her the opportunity to rub the om in your face. She's loving it while your slowly dying.

I'm sorry, she is being mean and heartless.

Is there another BS involved? Can you out the affair? Just for the satisfaction of seeing it blow up in her face?

Hugs,,,,,,,


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

No luck with other BS, the AP never been married.... I can't believe this is the same woman I married, I agree she's become totally heartlesss and mean. I'm becoming worried that this going to turn into open warfare. I know I'm ready to take her phone a throw it in the woods. And, I'm sure her goal is to get me out of the house.

I have to get my head out of my rearend and stop falling for her tricks.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Reboot

You obviously know who the OM is.

Have you ever thought of warning him that your wife is a wayward and he should protect himself.

I hope you reach a point where you decide to take control.

Because she is not a person worth loving.

Go find a real woman.

HM


Posts: 899 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

STOP ENGAGING HER.

You are already living in a hostile environment. She has shown you who she really is. Don't fall for her games.

Betrayed spouses don't *win*---they move on, and heal. So unless you are sitting on a financial payday that is just around the corner, I would be moving with light speed to get myself out of this toxic situation. You can't put a price on your sanity.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2071 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Okay, I'm trying to stttle down today... I probably got about 2 hours sleep last night.. This is my fault, I should have never even spoken to her. But I let myself be fooled that she might still have a heart. She doesn't!

I realize now how toxic my living arrangements are during the week. I know she's playing a game with me to make me suffer as much as possible. At this moment she has very few buttons she can push with me, except the AP. And I really fell into the trap last night.

Going forward I will have NO CONTACT with her what so ever. I will stay focused on not engaging with her. My plan is to stay away from the home during the week and on weekends it should be mine....

One of my concerns is that she will bring her AP up here on a weekend to stay at the house. If (and when) this occurs what should I do??

I can tell by the way the AP acted that he is a real jerk, and is spoiling for some trouble.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Hey all....... I'm doing pretty good here since Wednesday night. Been hitting a home run so far with the 180 and except for tonight the NC too. It looks like WW is staying here for the weekend due to bad weather. I have the kids and we're doing good while staying away from WW. I'm feeling much stronger and more confident with myself and situation..... so far her BF has not shown up and I'm starting to think he's not going to..... At least so far....

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, January 24th (Friday)

File a restraining order against the OM. He threatened you, didn't he?????

That'll keep him away and there is nothing either of them can do.

Also, kick her to the curb...


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, January 24th (Friday)

@damaged71

I tried that today and the Judge denied it. Apparently the law is 2 or more contacts for non-domestics...... any way I have one now so the next time it will be approved. I sure it's just a matter of time...


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I'm sorry, but that is going to be HILARIOUS when you drop that bomb. She is going to be "cartoon" mad. Smoking ears and so on.

Once it goes through, tell her you aren't going anywhere. I have a feeling from what you described she will get violent. I would RO her too. House is yours then and she has to leave.

This is chess not checkers...


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I agree and am sure you're right. I can't help but believe my day is coming. I just have to keep my emotions under control and not react. That's the hardest part, I'm ready to go and grab her phone and throw it in the snow!!! But, she would they see the wrong side of me, which she has twice so far. Indifference that is what I need to project!

The bitch has now gone and put a couple of locks on some doors in the house. She's starting to hind stuff... I wish I knew how to pick locks....


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Actually I'm not proposing anything illegal at all but if its hidden in your house its fair game. I learned to pick locks a few years ago for a hobby. Think of it as a mechanical puzzle.

If you have some picks and very rudimentary knowledge, you can pick your first lock in about a minute. It's very easy. Once you know how you realize that locked door just provides the illusion of safety. A lock is so simple to defeat.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Please take what is valuable and important to you and get it away from the house...Get a safe deposit box at your bank, keep the valuables with a friend..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 3:31 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Hey all, I've been thinking...... I think it's time to start being a "bad boy". By this I mean doing the things that piss a woman off. I've been "Mr. Nice Guy" for year, no strike that decades! Yes, somehow I do want my WW to come back, but I think I want her to come back so I have the pleasure of blowing her off!!! She's not going to have 2nd thoughts about me as long as I keep on acting needy. Instead I need to be unapproachable, unavailable and most of all unachievable! WTF, I have nothing to loose here, after all I've alreadt lost! Referencing jb3199, " BS don't win, they move on" . So, I guess what I'm saying is that I've had enough of this BS, I don't need the B in my life and I don't need the baggage she comes with! So it's time for a change, total indifference and better yet uninterest!

Yes, I've been drinking a little, confidence builder for me, but I think this is what the 180 is all about. Moving On, with confidence!!!!


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Honestly you sound like a really nice guy and are going about it very "nicely"

Why aren't you divorced?
Surely any man wouldn't tolerate his wife talking to the man she was having sex with and being called an idiot?

Why would you want that in your life? In her eyes you are gone, she can bad mouth you like that in front of you, imagine what they are saying behind your back? You're ok with her driving all that way to see him on weekends? You're ok with her leaving the kids?

Everything else about being a bad boy and winning her back just to blow her off is just silly talk. Live in the real world, stop the game playing and make concrete plans to move forward with your life. One of you has to go. You shouldn't live like this.


Posts: 188 | Registered: Jun 2013
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Well, it's been a tough day. WW didn't leave on Friday like she normally does because of the weather and roads. She stayed over night, we had a arguement in the morning and she said that I'd be gettind served this coming week (at work). I told her I was looking forward to it. She bitched about a lot of other things too, and I fell into the trap and argued back. Anyway she left today to be with her BF.

I had a strong resolve for the most part and didn't show any weakness, at least not that I know of. But after she left, I broke down.... Very sad and feeling extremely vulnerable. I know one of us has to leave and she won't. So it will probably have to be me. It make no sense as to why I am hanging on, I don't even know what I hanging on too. I know she isn't worth it, she doesn't deserve someone like me. Instead she deserves the trash she chasing now.

I do understand that this is a rollercoster ride that I'm on and right on it's going down. What I don't understand is why I can't get this out of my system and find my happiness. It's like the world and life has let me down or left me behind. Yea, yea I know you'll tell me that I have to move on, get out and that I am in a toxic situation. And I agree!!! I also know that the sooner I get out the quicker I'll be able to heal. Also, being here, doing what im doing (in-home separation) is like constantly picking at a scap so it can't heal. But WTF I can't get myself to stop.... dumb ass!! That's me.....

Sorry for the bit of self pity, I'm doing this to myself. Well, it's time for me to convince myself that I'm doing th right thing and to regain my resolve. Continue with the 180 and somehow get back to NC. I just feel like I want to give up and try reasoning with her, somehow get her to understand how much she's f-ing up.

Guess I'm just venting a little. Don't worry, I'll be strong by time time she returns.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Ok I apologise that I probably shouldn't be answering given my own relationship issues

But saying she'll get her friend to come to the house while you're there is cold. It as if they want you to be the bad person by kicking them out, rather than them be the bad one for leaving you.

Gain. The upper hand... Be strong....


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Topic Posts: 38