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User Topic: Need advice asap -,while WH is coming to the house
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Ok, so my WH moved out 5 weeks ago & the night he left he blamed me for his unhappiness & rewrote the history of our marriage to my detriment (please refer my original posts). Anyway, fast forward a week ago & I have seen him 3 times at our house & our conversations have varied from more hostility from him to us being able to have a normal conversation.

I'm very confused as my H is still giving me mixed signals, whether he realizes this or not is another thing but still what's up with that - the below is a summary of my confusion;

He wanted to take some photos of us that I said I would toss out if he did not want them - he said he does not regret the last 12 years (I said I did). Just a week ago he agreed with me when I said we should of broken up after our first year together. And he wanted me out of his life as soon as possible & wanted to fast track the divorce.

He keeps saying he has been unhappy for years yet when I pointed out to him that he said just a year ago that we are lucky to have met, he said that was probably how he felt at the time. He keeps moving the timeframe for when he was unhappy.


We had a few laughs, one at my expense about me finally getting my own car, the first for me at 43 years of age! He actually said "good on you baby". Why call me a pet name after he moved out 5 weeks ago? Seems odd to me, habit or not.   One thing that he loved about me was my humor & wit, so I made sure today that he saw that funny side & we had a few laughs.

I told him he is messed up & having a mid life crisis he actually said do you think so. "I asked myself the same thing". He said that when he got his Harley "he was back", referring to how he felt when he had one in his 20's - if this is not a midlife crisis comment right there, what is?

Commented on my tan "you have some colour". Why is he even paying attention to what I look like since he is with the OW? And more importantly why let me know? Last week he commented on my weight loss (I did not need to lose any more weight).

Said I could contact him at anytime if I had any issues with my car. Again odd for someone who wants me out of there life asap.

He does not like it when I say something negative about our marriage but it is ok for him.

He said that it would be easier to deal with this if he hated me but he can't do it.

Said he was happy that we had "the talk" 

The OW rang while we were talking & he ignored the phone call & continued talking for another 10 minutes or so. We spoke for about an hour all up.

It seems that in our case absence does not make the heart grow fonder as we had not seen eachother for a month & the first time we did see eachother he was hostile & blamed me for his cheating. Oh & he finally admitted for the first time that they are more than friends! Yet each time I have seen him since, he is mellowing slightly. To my credit with all the research I've been doing I have been nothing but cool & calm very unlike me. I have shown no anger, while he on the other hand, the cheater has been very short & swearing etc. I feel that he is currently revealing more than I am. Again, odd as he is usually so secretive.  

My question is what is the best way for me to act if I want him to continue mellowing & realise the errors of his ways. Do I pull back & not always be home when he comes round or do I continue letting him see the new changed stronger me (I am getting counselling  for anger issues stemming from my childhood). I have displayed no anger what so ever & some of our conversation was normal like he had not even left.

Am I clutching at nothing here? At the very least his actions show that he is one confused individual.......


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
TryingToReboot
New Member
Member # 42125
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

I really am not the best person to be giving advice considering my situation and desires to have my life returned to some kind of normalcy. But what I've learned so far is that it's best to finds ways to disengage! And, by what you've posted you're doing pretty good at that so far. I admire how you've been able to keep your WH out of you life and have been moving on. I wish I had more inner strength to do the same. Anyway, I believe you're best path is to pursue NC. And that means to not let him see you, talk to you, let him in the house and any other means he uses to contact you! Ultimately what you need is for him to breakdown and come back on his knees begging for forgivness, anything short of that is unacceptable! If your relationship is to survive and become a healthy "shared" love for each other than you must distroy the old, broken, dysfunctional patterns that define who you and WH were.

If by some unlikely chance that your WH does breakdown then you'll have the chance for a future together. But, for now you must believe there iz NO future with him! As I've read here many times, he is a pod-person who will use ALL of the people around him to hide from himself! DON'T LET HIM USE YOU!!!

Like is said earlier, you've got a great start, you don't have to seee him anymore. Believe me when I say that is a blessing. Build you friends, network and build more. Keep him 100% away, leave him to his AP. The mear fact that his coming to see and talk to you is an indication that he may be having 2nd thoughts. If you give any sign that you're still there for him he WON'T change and will instead keep using you like he is using his AP. Don't let this happen.

P.S. I wisk I could practice what I preach....


Posts: 34 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Grand Rapids
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

He left.

It's time to let him get a REAL feel for what leaving means.

* It means he doesn't get to come and go as he'd like. He left.

* It means he doesn't get to "share some laughs" with you. He left.

* It means he doesn't get the opportunity to tell you you're to blame for his unhappiness. He left.

* It means you don't discuss the relationship, because there isn't one. He left. (Your marriage is over, no matter what the outcome. He destroyed it. If you are to remain married, you will have to build a new marriage from the ground up.)

* It means he doesn't have the opportunity to admire your tan, or hair, or body. He left.

He's not going to "mellow" or "realize the error of his ways" if he's allowed to have his cake and eat it, too.

He has no motivation to change. He either finds you relatively calm and willing to "share a laugh," or upset. Both fulfill his needs, the first by showing him that what he did couldn't be all that bad, if you're able to laugh with him still, and the latter by showing him that you ARE that shrew who made him so unhappy, which permits him to justify his affair further.

There is nothing to talk about as long as he is still engaged in his affair.

In the Healing Library, under BS FAQs, there are instructions for the 180. It's very difficult, at first. Believe me, I know this; I was utterly incapable. But with practice, you will begin to see how much better a healthy detachment feels.

You can't control your husband. You can only control yourself.

Will he come back? I have no idea. But you can't really direct that outcome.

Thing is, he's gone now.

Let him have a taste of what that really means.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8522 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, January 19th (Sunday)

Please don't let him have all of the parts of you he enjoyed AND OW. Just do the 180. No long chats, no laughs. He left - that means no you for him.

Giving him you while he is with her will never let him miss you, because you're still there.

At this rate, if he is 'with' OW, you will become the BW and the OW. Don't create this mess. He left - you are gone.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1870 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 19th (Sunday)

You are doing really well. I do believe he is getting to cake eat. When you share a joke and chat and create a normal setting it allows him to see you are his friend... He didn't do anything THAT wrong. or worse that plan B will be an option if things don't work out with the A.

He shouldn't beable to stop by when ever he want's -- and your shouldn't be waiting around for him.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:04 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Thanks for all the honest replies, it helps me focus on reality! 

 I know his cheating should be enough for me to move on but I did not want to be yet another divorce statistic, it makes me feel like I have failed, even though he is the one who cheated.

Trying to reboot - thank you for your admiration but I don't think it's worthy as outwardly I'm portraying a stronger me but inside I am still the same betrayed person who is grieving the loss of a 10 yr marriage without the opportunity to repair it. You have given me very good advice. I have read your posts and think you are doing well & not giving yourself enough credit!

Solus Sto - You are so correct, HE left & here I am making it easy on him! Helping him to lose any guilt he may have. When I said he had lowered his standards with the OW, he had the nerve to say that he would be happy for me if I met someone. I replied & said I would be happy for you if you met her if we had broken up & we were not married. The guy has absolutely no idea & I question my sanity when I have a weak moment & want him back.

Painful past - I like your interpretation that as a BW if I remain in contact with him I end up the OW as well! Yep, he left I am gone. Time to stop wasting energy thinking about what he is doing & where I went wrong focus all my energy on the 180....

Freeme - yes, I agree I am making this too easy for him & the friendlier I am with him the easier this whole affair thing will be for him & he will not be feeling any regret what so ever! 

I think my problem is kidding myself  that I have moved on while hoping that he regrets what he has done & begs for my forgiveness. But that may not happen & even if it does, does he really deserve me? I know i am better than the OW, inside & out & know that i deserve better than my H but still i find this so painful. I told him I could never trust him again & he knows that. The most frustrating thing for me is that he refuses to compare himself to his cheating father as "nothing happened until he left, they were just friends, it was not planned, it just happened". He has no idea about emotional affairs or the fact that he no doubt slept with her within the first week of moving out while we are still married!
If I am to be honest with myself I know that we are better off without eachother & I am fearful of being alone. At 43, i feel too old to get back out on the dating scene. If only it happened when i was younger. It's the betrayal & rejection that hurts the most & the regret that we did not attempt to fix the 10 year marriage before he strayed. But I said to him at least I'll have no regrets down the track but he may as I wanted to try & fix the marriage, he didn't. That doubt will always be with him.

After reading the posts I realise my error of being too accessible & by me being friendly to him takes away his guilt - not what i want. I want this guilt to haunt him. But I also wanted him to see that I have changed & no longer angry like him as he said I would never change! He was angry when he arrived yesterday so i hope that is an indication of the reality he has created for himself. And me getting a car was a real eye opener for him. The shock on his face when he saw I got the car was priceless. I'm so glad I was there to see it & so was my sister in law. My family all said he would be shocked when i got the car but I did not see it as such a big deal, but it was!  The next time he saw me he said none of the people he told could believe that I got a car. So here he is still talking about me to "other people", the woman he no longer wants in his life! I told him so as well.

Yesterday  i told him he was complacent about life in general (he is not a doer or a leader) & he denied it. BUT just last week when I asked him why did he stay so long in an "unhappy marriage" his reply was that he was "complacent". The guy really does not know if he is Martha or Arthur! I can see in his face that he has regret & feels bad for what he has done but is still continuing the affair so the regret cannot be that strong. He has now apologised 3 times since he admitted to the affair. He said who knows if it will work out with this one but he may have been saying that for my benefit.

Supposedly all the lies he has told me have been to spare my feelings! I told him that i know so much more about his continual lies (which i do) but did not elaborate. He admitted that he can't get much past me as I'm too cluey. I took that as a compliment :)

Unfortunately, i can't stop him coming around at the moment as he is removing the rest of his belongings & he has agreed to maintain the house & get it in a saleable condition before we sell it. He would rather fix it up than for us to pay professionals.

I thank my brother for forcing me to get real & get him to get all his stuff & Harley out & stop using me & the house as a door mat. As he was spending every weekend with her shacked up in her unit in la la land while I looked after his pets. At the very least I have forced his fantasy into reality quicker than he anticipated. He now as to find time to set himself up in his mum's house, maintain our house & find time for the she bloke OW all the while working full time. He had the gall to tell me he was tired from all the running around he has been doing in the last week! He had it cushy with me as all he had to worry about was work & what to watch on tv! And he thought he was escaping such a bad life! 


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

UPDATE

Ok, so my H just drives past the house & 2 minutes later he sends me a text saying "Hi BS, I just drove past the house to put the bins out & they were already out. Leave them next time as they were heavy & I'll take them up. Thanks WH"

Like seriously, I can't trust him to keep our marriage vows but I should trust him to take the bins out! What part of him moving out of our home does he not get?

And "thanks" for what? Thanks in advance for letting me help you out so that i can offload some guilt. Oh well, there is no way I am going to relieve him of any guilt after the pain & heartache he has put me through. Needless to say I ignored the message


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Look, you can't suck and blow at the same time. That's what he's been doing for WAY too long, now.

He moved out and is involved with the OW. That doesn't entitle to him to ANY of the previous comforts of home.

Or you.

Period.

That's like quitting one job for another job and then going back to your old desk a couple times a week just to sit there and still be a part of the old office.

No can do.

He MADE a choice. That doesn't mean he gets to have the OW as well as keeping his foot in your front door so he still has the satisfaction of knowing you're there waiting for him. Quite honestly, that's humiliating and degrading for you that he knows you'd take him back in a New York minute. That accomplishes absolutely NOTHING but giving him all the power to do as he pleases because he knows you're putty in his hands.

Why are you giving him one ounce of your power?

As long as he knows your door is always open should he call you and ask to come home, he ain't gonna do it. You're just an insurance policy to him right now. Hey, if he blows it with his side piece, he always has good old Duskpearl waiting in the wings, happy to have him back.

That's how you appear to him - whether he TELLS you that or not. It's how you appear to him.

There's no pride in that at all.

Seriously Duskpearl, you need to slam the door on this buffoon and take control of your life back. If you don't, you're always just going to appear desperate to him.

Cut him off at the knees. He chose another life - that means his old life should no longer be available to him. He hasn't even really experienced what his new life is like because you keep giving him access to his OLD one. Therefore, he can enjoy keeping one foot in BOTH.

Stop the insanity.

Cut him off at the knees and let him REALLY see the true results of the decision he chose to make.

Stop the flirting, the texting, the visits, the little trips down memory lane, the arguments about whose fault it was that he had his crap affair (and give him a message for ME - tell him to OWN HIS SHIT!), letting him cut your grass and put out your garbage and unclog your sink and every other little chore that he wants to feel 'needed' for - stop it ALL.

Go to a lawyer, find out exactly what you can expect, and shut this man out of your life.

If you really want him back, you need to DO this. What you're doing is NOT working for you. It's not.

.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:35 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1677 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Good for you not answering the message! Keep it up and stay strong


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:14 AM, January 31st (Friday)

Opinions please -

My cousin sent the below message to my WH once she found out he was cheating (without my prior knowledge). His reply is also attached.


WH, I have been informed by X that you're having an affair. I'm waiting for BS to come back to me so I can at least get her side, not just from family members. I want to give you the same respect. Please have the same for me and reply honestly. I have always thought of you as a brother in law and always cherished when you and BS came to visit me in Hawaii. I remember how supportive you both were after X. And WH, i also remember my heart breaking for you when you told me about your fiancé cheating on you, how you discovered it, how you sat in your garage for 6 months crying in your beer. Knowing your dad did this frightens me to think you've turned into the same man. WH to think you now have done what your fiancé did to you to BS  really makes me sad and angry. Angry that you could do that to my cousin, the one person that truly loved you and would have never cheated on you. I'm sad for you because it seems like you ended up with someone who has no self value or morals. She will, mark my words, do the same to you. Bleeps (and I can call her that given her behavior) don't change. We will as a family support BS if this ends up in divorce. You will not harass her or hinder her financially in this. Again I'm saddened by what I've heard and least expected this from you. I'm sorry your mum isn't here, I know that she would be the number one person ashamed by your behavior. Please have the decency to reply. She is my cousin and I love her dearly. We also loved you as a family member.

WH replied;
Thanks X, I have no interest in harming BS physically or with $$$$ we are on speaking terms & calm at the moment. Unfortunately people drift apart in life, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt BS, but you should know from your own past things happen. Comparing me to my father is completely wrong & in bad taste by you & BS family. My father had an affair for 7 years while he was still married. I left BS, OW was a friend that turned into something more after I left. I know none of you will believe this & I really don't care if you do but that's what happened. I'm not proud of the time factor here. And to put it in perspective for all of you I pursued her. Not the other way round.  Please take care X. I know you all have BS best interests at heart, I knew long ago that when this day came I'd be turned on, so I except this email as you looking out for her. I do care for BS & always will, I just couldn't see myself spending the rest of my life with her, she has admitted the same to me also. I will always have fond memories of our holidays to Hawaii & catching up. Keep in touch if you want, I'll leave that one up to you.   Regards WH

My cousin's reply to his reply;

WH, whether or not you pursed her is irrelevant. She knows you're married. I'm not going to name call her, but understand she is also in the wrong here. You telling me you pursued her confirms that you wanted more before you left BS. And you can see how that is wrong surely. No one is turning on you WH. I'm just stating the truth. Your dad cheated on your mum, I don't care for how long. The fact is he did. But surely there must be some heart left in you to see that her family loves her and will stand by her. And as for the other woman....,she is the one that has to live with the fact that she ruined a marriage. WH, I see misery for both of you cause one of you will cheat again.


Anyway, my Q is - is it just me or is my WH admiting to cheating & denying it at the same time?

Is he justified in his desire to not be compared to his father because he left me before their "friendship" turned to more than friends? Let's ignore the fact that he is married. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong.

I would accept that he could not grow old with me if there was no OW. I could accept that he could not grow old with me if he did not tell me he loved me & carried on living like nothing was wrong.

Don't worry I don't want him back just want opinions on whether his excuses are valid - I don't think they are....

Oh & is it normal behaviour for my WH to be eating out every single night & be the one to pay for everything? We never ate out that often & I get sense that she may be using him if he is paying for everything - remember he is 43, she is 30.

[This message edited by Duskpearl at 5:04 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
hurtingfool
Member
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, January 31st (Friday)

I'm still in an angry/shock phase, so grain of salt.

If what I was going through right now had that kind of background I think I'd say fuck that spouse. My parents cheated on each other. The time frame doesn't matter, it still happened. I knew I didn't want to be like that and never did it. To think someone could live through seeing/knowing of that pain and then bring it to someone else pisses me off to no end.


Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, January 31st (Friday)

Ask your cousin not to share stuff like that with you anymore. He's just spouting crazy cheater double-speak; it doesn't mean shit. And it hurts you to hear it.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8805 | Registered: Jan 2008
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 31st (Friday)

And if you have not already, please go see a lawyer and at the minimum, file for a legal separation if not divorce. If he is taking OW out to eat every night, YOU are in effect, paying for HER dinner since 1/2 of all marital assets are yours. If you do not have your finances untangled and separate, he is spending YOUR money on his bit-o-nookie and that is money that you will never get back.

Filing and having him served means that your finances are now tracked and anything he spends on "outside" pursuits, you are entitled to get back.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Hurting fool- thankyou for your reply. Yes, it makes him an even worse person for going through the pain himself & still put me through it! Pure evil & that is probably the reason he wants to deny it-loser! Good on you for not following in the footsteps of your parents & not having the mentality of 2 wrongs make a right.

I think I can - thankyou for your reply. I know he is cheater no matter how he spins it in his head. And the longer the affair lasts the stronger I am becoming & will not take him back!

Skan-our finances are separate & always have been. We have agreed verbally (& in email) that the marital home will be split 50/50 & we both keep our savings & retirement funds. He knows I don't want a share in his mother's property so he knows I can go for more so I don't think he will get too smart with me there. Personally, I think she may be using him as what decent woman who also works lets the man pay for every single thing? Plus she is in love with his stupid Harley!

The whole thing is pathetic!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Just be on your guard with this person until all the legal aspects of this separation and D are said and done..

I know that when I untangle myself from my mess, I am not gonna let any future romantic relationships married, live- in or otherwise endanger my livelihood, ability to live on my own...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:40 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Nov 2011
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Thanks Doggie Diva, I know not to trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I've been advised by 2 lawyers that I should get 50/50 in everything if it gets nasty so he should play ball. Money means everything to him so I don't think he will throw it away on lawyers - but he knows I will! I've also led him to believe that I get free legal advice as I work in law firm. I don't,


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
mandan66
Member
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Dusk--
Some great advice here from Diva; and, I will tell you that where I live, it really ain't over with until 30 days after the divorce is final. So I would say be on your guard until that point, and then---you can finally take that deep breath.
Hang in there honey!


Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
M:18--T:19
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Thanks mandan66 - It may be best if I pursue a legally binding financial document now to get everything we agreed on.

I make twice as much as him so I know the longer this drags out it will be to my detriment if he wants half of my assets.

Thing is he is a completely different person now with no morals or scruples & has changed his whole way of living overnight. I still can't comprehend it! And I just need to remind myself that I didn't think he would ever cheat on me so I should not be so foolish to think that he would not rip me off!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 31st (Friday)

You are doing great. He is very insistent on keeping his spotless reputation but it must feel good to know your family is behind you 100% whatever he says.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Honey, in a nutshell, he is hoovering. Plain and simple. He is cake eating too. Trying to keep the homefront fires burning in case he changes his mind and needs a soft landing.
Like others said, if he isn't crawling back sobbing and giving you EVERYTHING you need to heal, then ignore his "mixed signals", and continue 180 and NC as much as possible.
Let him know with your actions that he gets no home baked ego kibbles....as Brandon808 often told me, the kitchen is closed!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2210 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Norabird - you are so right. He is so in denial that he is no longer the good guy! I am grateful to have such a loving caring family. He will have no one to turn to once this affair is done. He has lost the respect of all my family who loved him dearly & accepted him as one of their own. All he has is his 2 bit sister who he hated but they have become thick as thieves at the moment. She is on to her 3rd relationship since I have been with my H & this one is on the rocks as well so good to see he is getting good advice from her!

Still livin - i hope he is hoovering because the kitchen is closed permanently! He doesnt realise how much he has lost yet. One thing we never argued over was money. He could do what he wanted with his money (as I did with mine) we split all living expenses 50/50. It worked for us. Problem is now it seems all his money is being spent wooing her while she has probably stashed up a nice nest egg for herself since the affair.
I'm proud to say that I have kept up the NC for 2 weeks now (yes long time I know!) & have ignored his 2 text messages (one about the bins & the other about my cousin attempting to contact the OW on Facebook without my knowledge).
Funny thing is he said I have a least 6 months in the marital home before we put it on the market but alot needs to be done before then to get it in a sale able condition & typically he has done zip so far! I don't know if he is buying time or is being lazy or the OW is demanding all his time? But it is yet another contradiction of his as he wanted me out of his life ASAP so surely one would think he would want to sell the house ASAP?
Oh & the good news is that if I can get thru the next 2 weeks without NC, the 2 weeks after that will be easy as I'm going to San Diego to stay with my cousin. The change of scenery will be good for me since I am the one "stuck" in the marital home. Also a good excuse to pull a bit of cash out!

Any tips on the best way to deplete my savings other than cash withdrawals as I may have to substantiate this later.....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Gift cards with no expiration dates..If you have a family member you are taking care of, set up an account in his/her/ their name (if you can trust this person) and hide some of your money there..

When I start to earn EXTRA money, that is what I am gonna do..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Nov 2011
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Ok, so I have kept up the NC for 3 weeks now & have not replied to any of his texts which basically let me know when he is coming over to the house to get the remaining crap from the garage.

I get another text on Friday letting me know that he will be at the house all weekend & Monday & Tuesday to get the remaining stuff & he apologies that it has taken so long. (nice guy)

Then I get another text today (Saturday) saying hi & to let me know that he is on his way so could I please move my car out of the driveway.

It was 10.30am & I made sure I was long gone by the time he arrived. Is it just me or was his last message a bit presumptuous that I would be at the house waiting for him. I personally did not see the need to send this message. Why not just go to the house first & then ask me to move the car IF it is actually in the driveway?

Anyway, the day ended eventfully - I stay out ALL day & come home at 7.40pm thinking he has to be gone by now. But no, he is still there!! So I drive off hoping that he does not see me BUT of course he does!

Then he sends me the following text messages (one after the other);

"I'll be finished soon what you don't want to interact with me??? I'll be back again tomorrow after 930 sorry for inconvenience"

"Also you asked me if I would text you to advise when I would be coming over so you could prepare yourself which I have done. The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

This is then followed by 2 phone calls - which I don't answer.

He has some nerve expecting me to be civil after what he has done! I was way too friendly with him the last time I was at the house when he was. So this NC was my way of pulling back & to show him that i have moved on. I am so annoyed that he saw me drive past as now he knows that i am avoiding him & why I have not been responding to his texts. I wanted him to think we were still good without actually seeing me so that he would be caught off guard when he receives communication from a lawyer when I get one.

He either wants to remain friendly to relieve his guilt or he is worried about the financial aspects & whether I have changed my mind to go for half of his mother's property since he knows that my cousin now knows what is going on (& she has been through a divorce herself & is no pushover & he knows it).

Oh before you ask, there is no point changing the locks as even he if were to break in he has every right since he also owns the house. All valuables (including his) were out of the house the day he moved out

I'm thinking that all further communication should be via a lawyer, which he will hate as he did not want to get lawyers involved due to the cost but I guess he should of thought about that before he ran off with a she bloke!

[This message edited by Duskpearl at 6:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Good for you being gone when he was there. I would be gone Sunday too. The only reply I would give hin is I am not avoiding you I'm just busy moving on with my life. I think having a lawyer get involved is a good idea. Of course he doesn't want that because a lawyer will protect you. Stay strong.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1740 | Registered: Apr 2007
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, February 8th (Saturday)

Dear God - what a selfish jerk!!

Throw all of his things in hefty bags and put them in the garage. Don't worry about being careful - just bag it up. Tell him he doesn't need to come in as all of his things are in the garage.

Honestly, how much stuff does he have that he needs 4 days to get it out? I can have a whole house packed in a day!! He's only taking HIS things. He's dragging his feet - so push him out - bag it up and leave it in the garage!!

On the next text, tell him to have his attorney contact yours for any further communication.


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1870 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

"Also you asked me if I would text you to advise when I would be coming over so you could prepare yourself which I have done. The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

grrrrr...

You did prepare yourself.... you got the heck out of Dodge.... and good on you too, why should you be expected to stand by playing nice while your husband loads up his stuff to take off into the wild blue with another woman..... Of course it's "civil" to have an affair isn't it? "Civil" to cheat, and lie and deceive.... and yet to not respond to a text isn't "civil"....

Okay... I feel better now

Honey, don't stand for this nonsense.... as said above, bag up whatever of his junk is left and stick it in the garage, or on the doorstep... and send him a brief text to say that all communication from here on will be via your lawyer, and he's not to contact you directly.

Enough is enough, and you've been treated to enough.

Stay strong, get angry, it's a really useful emotion. Hugs, lots of hugs.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Apr 2009
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

The least you can do is respond with a simple ok will do, as I said to you last time we spoke let's remain civil to each other please."

Seriously!!!!

Are U effing kidding?

What an a$$hole! I am boiling angry for you.

Do not reply to this delusional cruel man.

NC all the way.

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:33 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with married ho-worker. Kicked him out, he filed

Posts: 586 | Registered: Mar 2003
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Shutup  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I think we are all being too hard on the poor guy as "nothing happened until he left" (as in he moves in with her the very next day) "they were just friends & discovered that they had feelings for eachother"

He is taking so long to move his stuff out because he has so much crap in the garage as in car parts, tools etc. It took him less than a day to get his stuff out of the house. And he is spending to much time wining & dining the sloth (OW) & going for joy rides on his bike

I fly out to San Diego on Friday for 2 weeks so NC should be very easy to achieve.

Once I return any future contact will be via a lawyer. A month ago he wanted to fast track the divorce so I will grant him his wish BUT I will let him know that I will not be signing any papers unless the reason for divorce states cheating!

How I regret marrying the pig & wasting more than 12 years of my life with him! He had the nerve to say that he did not regret the 12 years but was upset that I said I did!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

I relate to your situation right now. My WH forced me out of the house pack my stuff and moved me in with my adult son in another state. I filed for divorce and he ended up moving his AP to the town we lived in. They had been phone and email active, with him visiting her in our hometown for a few days here and there. He moved her here and by the end of the first week he was done with it. He broke it off with her and told her to get lost, which he promptly helped her do. During the time I was gone I had very little contact with him. When he dumped her he did come crawling back, but I had no intention of taking him back. The thing is, though, he did all the right things to show he was sincere. But I didn't try to make it easy on him. And he has toed the line. There was no damned way he was going to be fucking her and then have me yucking it up with him like we were still good buddies. He was never going to see me again after the divorce as far as I was concerned. We are R now. Have been since Sept. It's going very well. But you don't get anywhere acting like his doormat.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, February 8th (Saturday)

Mezmer - at least your H woke up after 1 week. My H has been with this she bloke for 2 months now. I have been told by many that once I have moved on he will wake up to himself. Even a reformed cheater told me this. But I could never ever trust him again & the way he has conducted himself is disgusting. He is still in the area shacked up in her dingy unit & his paying for everything! This she bloke is dog ugly & if he is happy to throw away a 10 year marriage for something this worthless proves our marriage is over. I wish only that the karma bus comes both their ways, but a bigger one for my H as his ex cheated on him & his father was also a cheat & he does this to a woman he exchanged vows with. And he refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong & he wants me to be civil


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

And he refuses to acknowledge that he has done anything wrong & he wants me to be civil

LOL - you wanted him to be faithful.

Seriously, no friendship. The next text about bins? Tell him he left you, the house, the bins, all of it, and you don't want him around, at all. Or, have your attorney send that note.

I hope you meet a wonderful man, I really do.

Remember, he didn't give the marriage up for her - he gave it up for his shallow, empty ego. He's the sad one here, not you. That doesn't mean you need to be nice to him - you don't.

((hugs))


It's so easy to believe someone when they're telling you exactly what you want to hear.....

Posts: 1870 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 9th (Sunday)

Painful past - thank you for your supportive reply.

I know the issue lies with him but it's hard not to blame myself.

I googled the bank account no. that he deposited an amount of money that was the same amount as a consultation to the psychic he has seen in the past & of course the bank is in the same suburb as where the psychic consults. He saw her a week before our 10 yr anniversary trip to NY (approx 2 weeks after I confronted him with the emails I found). Ironically I told him a few days before our holiday that I suspected that he had seen the psychic by the way he was talking & of course he denied it. He knows I think it is sad that he needs guidance from a psychic.

I think he may have lost the plot & is screwed up inside. He was such a genuine caring man up until the middle of last year. Not my problem any more.....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
mezmer
Member
Member # 42406
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 10th (Monday)

DP--
Civil is not shooting his worthless ass and tanning his hide for a lampshade.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Washington
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Duskpearl -

Your WH seems like a real POS. The fact that he waited around for you that day when you drove off after he texted you means that he really wants to see you. He is having second thoughts about choosing the OW, make no mistake. I bet that he will completely fall apart after he realizes that his new 30 year old GF is a piece of garbage.

Stay strong. Keep up the 180. He needs to see what it means to live as a single person with a new girlfriend. Showing him any sort of comfort (by responding to his texts or phone calls) affirms his need to have you in his life. Instead show him coldness and indifference.

You also need to work on yourself. Go to the gym. Work on losing some weight. Buy some new clothes. Get a new hairstyle. THIS IS FOR YOU AND YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. Plus once your POS WH sees you looking hot and sexy, he will get incredibly jealous.

Keep posting. Sending you peace and strength.............Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 10th (Monday)


Kali - your post has made my day! I so hope he regrets this!

It goes without saying that the GF is trash & desperate! Sorry, but when I was 30 I had no interest in 43 yr old bald men. I was able to attract men of my own age & younger! 

I am so relieved that this OW is so dissimilar to me in every way (inside & outside).  I hope it hits him that this OW would never meet with his beloved mother's approval.

I wish we could send photos on this site as she is gross & looks like a bloke, seriously. On one of their early outings (FB photos of her) she rocks up with greasy hair, no makeup, wearing a Vietnam singlet & cut off jeans - not a good look for a solid girl with toilet roll legs (& arms). The image reminded me of my uncle back in the 70's. If this is how she presents herself in the early days there is not much hope for her down the track. It repulses me! My H was always proud of me.

I've read in a few places now that the WH may end up seeing the OW as someone who has sex with another person's husband - this would be the ultimate revenge for me. As one thing my H respected me for was my morals, let's ignore the fact that he doesn't have any!

I do not need to lose anymore weight thanks to H but could benefit from toning up. And a new hairstyle, colour is on the list :)
And yes I do need some new clothes since most of them are too big now!

I can't wait until they start to argue about money as that was one thing we never argued about as we were both sensible with our money & I make enough of my own to not worry about what he spent his money on. And I wonder who will be doing ALL of the housework (not me) or pay ALL the bills (again not me).

NC is rather empowering I wish I did it earlier! Time for me to mess with his head & show him who is the weak one!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Duskpearl, it's great to hear how strong your attitude is! Knowing you come out of this looking better than ever is nice huh


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Norabird - I was so weak at the beginning but pulled myself together & realised that I am actually the strong one while he is the weak one! I said to myself if I could survive my dysfunctional childhood without turning to drugs or alcohol I can survive this! But please know that part of my coping mechanism is to outwardly portray an image of nothing is wrong - but my H does not need to know that.

Plus I have the support of a loving caring family & faith in God - he does not....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Oftencheatedon
Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, February 10th (Monday)

Your post reminds me of what happened to a dear friend of mine. It sounds though that you are on the right path and won't make her mistakes.

Her DH left her for another woman. Same story, just friends, developed later. Ha - he'd had an affair with OW before he married my friend when she was still married to her husband.

It is now 35 years later and my poor friend is still "Best friends" with her ex. They talk on the phone multiple times a day. I know she's slept with him on occasion too.

She's now almost 70 years old and has not even had a boyfriend or a real date (and she's attractive and interesting) in these past decades.

She literally has become the OW. He married his AP. The OW is not nearly as interesting or intelligent as my friend. So he's got the best of both worlds going now.

And my friend is alone and lonely. Her children live 100s of miles away.


Posts: 105 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Ok, so here is yet another update......

I had a missed call from my WH yesterday (he did not let it ring long enough to go to voice mail). Then my brother tells me that my WH emailed him the below;

"Hi X, (my brother)

Please advise Y (my sister) that the washing machine is in the garage for them to collect when they are ready. 

Thanks WH

Regards WH"

About a year ago he said my sister could have his old washing machine as he would take his mum's one.

Not sure why he could not email me or my sister but more importantly he has some nerve contacting my brother when he knows all my family are disgusted in him. It indicates to me that he is still in denial that he has done anything wrong?

I am currently in San Diego, so this may be his way of letting me know that he knows I've gone away somewhere - cat is missing (with my sister), as are the suitcases...


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)

Who can understand their thought process? Stay detached and ignore this.

I hope you're having fun in SD! You are a happier, better person than he is, and he is feeling pathetic and trying to remind you of him is my guess--yeah, I know I just said not to bother dissecting his actions, oops! But I do think it is better to stop yourself from wondering about his motivation. No action is required of you except maybe to get out to the beach today.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

please ,please get a lawyer---do not trust the cheater---you already know who he really is----continue the nc---he is such a jerk---I hate what he has put you thru---NEXT TIME TELL HIM THAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IN A MARRIAGE <WHEN ONE OF THE PARTNERS IS HAVING PROBLEMS IS TO TELL THAT PARTNER___TALK ABOUT IT-----NOT CHEAT__HE HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR AND HE KNEW WHERE IT WAS GOING---HE NEVER GAVE YOU THE RESPECT YOU DESERVED____YOU DID___YOU WERE NOT HAPPY YET YOU NEVER CHEATED YOU RESPECTED YOUR VOWS____he is only playing the good guy because he wants to make sure you do not screw him in the financial settlement----think and get all that you deserve----you know the ow will get it if you don't fight for it---don't let her get all---you are the wife----don't be a fool get as much as you can and make sure your lawyer writes in that he pays the lawyers expenses---DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THAT HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE A LAWYER___I THINK THIS IS WHERE HE IS GOING TO GET YOU____PLEASE DO NOT MOVE UNTIL YOU HAVE LEGAL COUNSEL______STAY AWAY FROM HIM HAVE ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS BE IN THE HOUSE FOR YOU_____HE IS UP TO NO GOOD

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I ]am not a big fan of all caps but this really stuck out to me. We care about you so much. And all 40K+ are trying to reach out to you.

____HE IS UP TO NO GOOD

If nothing else please hear this^^^ You are smart you will make the right move...

(((((Hugs)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

Last dance - thanks for your reply. I intend on keeping up the NC as is the rest of my family. I am in SD until 4 March but my brother is checking the mail & keeping an eye on the place. All valuables have been removed (including his!). I feel that he has more to lose than me financially as he has inherited half of his mother's property which I said I'm not interested in. However, once I see a lawyer officially I will see what he recommends. I don't want the lawyers to end up with most of it. Neither does my H as he is a tight ass! I can't believe it has got to this stage as he was such a genuine caring guy who seems to have turned in to a wolf overnight. We both worked hard to pay our mortgage off early & now this she bloke will benefit from that hard work!

Getting to Happy - thankyou for your reply & support. Like I said above it's hard to believe that the man I fell in love with all those years ago could turn in to the cruel deceitful man he is today. One who throw our marriage away on an ugly immoral troll! I so hope karma gives them what they both deserve!

Sorry, but what is a 40k?


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 21st (Friday)

Yet another update!!!

My sister informed me last night that the iMac was missing from our home! It was agreed that no assets would be taken from the home until our finances are sorted, in any case, I said I would take the iMac. I can only think of 2 reasons why he would take it, 1 to force me out of NC or 2 to snoop into my emails (even though I had already changed my password via the iPad). My brother did something via iCloud remotely which has wiped all the data from the iMac, so it will be useless to him anyway. He may have wanted to try & retrieve his led zep songs from iTunes for his iPhone but the loser can't remember his password!! Oh well, like I say all the data has been wiped from the iMac & without his password he won't be able to access iTunes from any device -  ha haha

Also, he still has the keys to the garage so the email to my brother about my sister being able to take the washing machine when she is ready was BS.....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, February 21st (Friday)

do not trust him---he is not the same man you married----he will take all he can from you---he is in a selfish way now,he wants all for himself and his new love----make sure you have good legal protection and remember that things can change at the time you meet in court----no contact,please....this man does not care about your well being,,,,,,,be careful when you leave work ,he can be there waiting for you-----change your routine----do not go out alone---these are all precautions my lawer gave me----stay safe

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, February 21st (Friday)

Thanks last dance. I half expect him to stalk me the longer this NC goes on. I hope he does so I have reason to get a restraining order on him. I know not to trust him & know he is freaking out more about the finances than me as he has more to lose - he is worried I will go his half share in his mum's property. That's why all I want is half of our marital home & the $40k he owes me. I would be happy to get that without a legal fight. Let him have his mum's home, it's cursed money anyway! Once I get home I will get this all agreed legally (I have it in email from him) & then I can get on with my life & not worry about him ripping me off.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, March 10th (Monday)


Ok so my NC clearly backfired on me today. This afternoon my H sends me a text asking if I have the bills that relate to his mother's property. 20 minutes later he calls me 5 times (I don't answer). He left a message asking me to call him, which is followed by yet another text asking for a simple yes or no, then another call!

I think his evil sister is putting pressure on him to pay her her share of the mum's property. They have not spoken (phone records) for nearly 2 weeks so I think their short lived friendship is on the out. 

Anyway, when I get home tonight I see that he has taken the led zeppelin pictures & the iPod docking station! I'm not even home for 5 minutes & I get the below text from him. 

"Dusk,

Due to the fact that you do not answer your phone or answer my text msg for simple requests I ask of you & the fact that you went to America recently leaving our house unoccupied for a time of over two weeks, I have removed my two led zeppelin signed albums tonight & the Bose docking station minus the cord & remote which you have hidden. Since you like hiding things of mine example my two tag watches, as a type of bargaining tool you leave me no option. As I stated to you last time we talked I am willing to negotiate this split fairly with you & pay what I owe you. Another reason I have insured the albums under my home & contents insurance. I would like you also to email me your demands for the property split minus the personal innuendo you included on the last email as my solicitor requires this to draw up an agreement. I would also like an answer if you have the bills for mums place. 

Regards F'wit"

The nerve of him taking items that he has not paid for. I took his watches because he has not paid for the one he is wearing! He thinks he's smart letting me know that he knows I was in America. That's because he came over like 5 times while I was away & saw new clothes when he was over yet again in Friday (to mow lawns without telling me).

He can think again if he thinks I'm going to remove my reference to his cheating. If he had a brain he would forward my original email & delete that bit! And I will not be sending him any email, my lawyer will! Well, looks like I have to move quick smart now. One of his texts said he was going to come over this Sunday & get the last of his car crap, hopefully I will get the ok from a lawyer to change the locks before Sunday.

Oh & it goes without saying that I will not be answering any of his messages! I have kept this NC up for 6 weeks now, I'm not going to let him rattle me, which is his plan as clearly my silence is rattling him.

It has been 3 months & their relationship still appears to be going strong. It's not fair. I want him to be alone so he has plenty of time to think about his actions! Why should I, the innocent one, be lonely?

I'm upset that he has no regrets & is treating me the way he is after what he did. And still he wants to deny that he cheated!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, March 10th (Monday)

I wouldn't be so sure their relationship is all peaches and unicorns. But really...who cares! Trust me, he and the sloth aren't going to have a happy ever after.

I am just so delighted to see how you have maintained no contact. Its so awesome to see him squirm. GOOD FOR YOU!! Don't you feel stronger and more powerful ??!?!

It pained me so dearly to read your initial post, about him coming and going and chatting it up and you two discussing your past, etc.

So glad you stopped that.

He took the albums to incite you, in an attempt to get you angry and to engage with him. DONT DO IT. Leave it for the lawyers.

Im so glad you have your very supportive family to help you through this as well.

Just keep doing what you're doing. It will take some time, but months from now you will be happier, stronger, and smarter. You have learned so much about relationship and self-respect, as seen by you sticking so well to NC.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, March 10th (Monday)

I don't think your NC back fired on you. It's doing exactly what it's suppose to do. He is getting more and more frenzied because you are not motivated by his actions and threats to drop NC. Keep it up! You are doing great.

Any action he takes (swiping stuff from the house)or doesn't take is all on him, not you, and certainly not because you didn't respond. There was an agreement to not remove assets but he did so anyway because you didn't tell him your plans. There was no agreement for him to know your plans, he's having a mantrum because he's not getting his way. You are giving him the rope he will use to hang himself with.

So this isn't the 180 back firing. This is him ramping up his spoiled brat reaction to not having control over you. You are not responsible for him wigging out and breaking agreements. Just be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

Change the locks and keep all contact going through your lawyer.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, March 10th (Monday)

you are doing the right things,,,continue with the no contact....let your lawyers do the contact...just take care of yourself, pamper yourself, exercise, new professionally done make-up, new hair cut and color, new perfume, new clothes and new sexy shoes.....when you walk into that court to sign for your freedom ...you have to rock...shine like a diamond

Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Shinning autumn - thank you for your kind supportive words. Yes, I was a real sap in the early days of recovery. I still can't believe that my H, who loved me so much could do this & be so arrogant about it! Yes, this NC is so empowering, I didn't realise it would have such an impact on my H, considering he wanted me out of his life, so why get annoyed now that I'm "gone". . He has the bills he is after, the moron. This is something he should have taken care of like last July! If we were together this is something that I would have taken care of for him. His mobile phone bill is overdue, second month in a row. Again, this was something I took care of for him.

BtraydWife - Thank you for your support. His anger is really showing now, yet I remain cool & calm & it's killing him! I was the emotional one & for sure he was expecting a reaction from me when he took the pictures but there was no way I was going to give him the satisfaction! All he has done is provoke me to seek more in the settlement. Loser! The sheer arrogance of him to take these pictures & still expect me to answer his Q on the bills! I truly hope I am giving him the rope to hang himself - it is clear he is panicking - "email me your demands", he is so sweating on whether I go for a share in his mum's house! I see a lawyer on Friday & she sounds really personable, her H cheated on her!

Last dance - Thank you for your encouragement. I am getting some highlights & a haircut this week & will the finally put a photo on LinkedIn (im new to LinkedIn & it was a goal of mine to get back out & network). I wasn't planning on seeing him again but I guess I will if it goes to court... In which case I will be done up to the nines!  I don't really need to try to hard to stand out next to the OW as she is your typical trailer park poster girl, with toilet rolls for arms & legs & a truck ramp for a chin. She holidays on river boats with her lowlife overweight friends....

Some other disturbing news. I could tell from the phone records that my H was at the house on Friday twice, once before work & once after work. He would have arrived in the morning less than 20 minutes after I left. He spoke to the OW for more than half an hour while he was there in the morning! Here they are working as a team against me, the woman he has spent 12 years of his life with. What business is it of hers where i have been. She has my H, what more does she want! She won't have my life! She is coaxing him! She has been pulling the strings all along & knowingly broke up a marriage. She sensed a broken man & pounced! I hope misery comes their way ASAP!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

omg please get those locks changed asap.

He has moved out, so I would assume you can safely change the locks?

Do it hun.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Feb 2014
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Duskpearl, you are doing amazingly! I am sure your new look will be almost as stunning on you as this badass, take-charge NC attitude is. Glad you're seeing a L on Friday. It's almost funny to see how much they feel they can 'demand' as if they are in a position to demand anything.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

Are the laws different about inheritance money/property there? Here a spouse is not entitled to any part of that, at least in California. There may be exceptions, I don't know.

Posts: 1387 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)

I plan on changing the locks before Sunday & when he comes and when he comes over to get the last of his car crap that he has more than 3 months to collect he will be greeted with a note on the door that says "my lawyer will be in touch with your lawyer". I was thinking to add you didn't want to get lawyers involved but as I can no longer trust you I had no choice. But I'm thinking short & sweet is better?

Of course I won't be home but knowing him he will be waiting at the house all day. So best I tell our next door neighbours the reason why my H moved out. No more lies to protect his good guy image. I have been too accomodating to my H for way too long. 3 months is more than enough time to come & go from the marital home as he pleases.

I am entitled to his inheritance - which I did not want. All I want is the $50k he owes me - which includes a $20k inheritance that I put on our mortgage.

The pictures he took are worth $6k & he is yet to pay me for them so he wants to start a war I will give him one! He has underestimated me if he thinks I'm going to lie back & let him steal from me!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Well, I saw the lawyer today & she will aim for a 52-56% split in my favour. Biggest negatives against me;
- I make twice as much money as him
- he had a larger deposit when we purchased the house, although that was 10 years ago so has eroded
- I most likely won't get my $50k back, so in effect I paid for the last 2 trips, his LZ pictures, his bike accessories & I even paid for his mother's bills! This sux big time!

In my favour is his half share in his mum's property but I would not be entitled to half of his half as his mother only passed away 2 years ago but it can be used as leverage. I will get my $20k back that i put on the mortgage. And the fact that he is with someone sort of helps as he has another source of income so to speak. Oh & I can demand one of the led zeppelin pictures back since they are considered assets & he took both.

If it goes to court it will probably cost $30k so it would be best if we avoided this option & I know he won't want to pay lawyers fees.

The lawyer is a lovely lady & she even hugged & kissed me as I left! She agrees that my H has something else going on in his head & said it is possible that he has some regrets but I can't worry about that at the moment. My main priority is to not be ripped off by him!

Oh & he called me again tonight! Either he is concerned with how I will proceed financially or he still wants to know whether I have his mum's bills (which like I said I don't)! What does it matter, I paid the dam bills not him!

In hindsight I should have responded since he took the pictures & it looks like he is possibly going to be the one to gain out of this. I am changing the locks this weekend, even though I know I left it a bit too late! Whatever crap he has left in the garage is tough luck now, 3 months is more than enough time.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Duskpearl...... I've been catching up on your story...

we draw quite a few similarities. (although I'm only 6 weeks out from D Day, separated, WH is with OW).

He goes from being narky to being nice to me... its messing with my head.

I've been trying NC, but am struggling a bit with the kids...

I totally understand about wanting WH to acknowledge things. I'm wishing for some remorse from mine, any really.

Hope it goes well.... I've enjoyed reading your comments and the replies received, its helping me through my muddles.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 534 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Sadmumma - I'm sorry that you are also going through this!

Time really does heal. I totally recommend NC. At first I was of the school of thought that if he doesn't see me he won't miss me BUT when it was pointed out that I was relieving him of any guilt I said f that & pulled back. For me the main thing it showed by H is that he can't control me. More importantly, it is unnerving him because I am an emotional person & this cool calm silence is out of character for me. He has no idea what I am thinking or plan on doing. Like the calm before the storm.

I understand it would be harder with kids. Can a family member liaise with ur H instead of you when discussing/seeing the kids?

I am lucky that my family have been so caring & supportive & patient with my never ending talking in circles....

As time goes on we realise we are better off without them & from what I've read that is usually when they want back in but we have moved on by then....

Take care & be strong


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, March 13th (Thursday)

Wow you are doing great! Regarding this:

... he will be greeted with a note on the door that says "my lawyer will be in touch with your lawyer". I was thinking to add you didn't want to get lawyers involved but as I can no longer trust you I had no choice. But I'm thinking short & sweet is better?

As I think you know, you should not add in the language about "I can no longer trust you". Do not reveal ANYTHING about how you feel, your motives, or your choices. No no no. That is giving him little crumbs of yourself and he does not deserve that.

Same goes for:

Oh & he called me again tonight! Either he is concerned with how I will proceed financially or he still wants to know whether I have his mum's bills...In hindsight I should have responded since he took the pictures & it looks like he is possibly going to be the one to gain out of this

Do not respond.

I am struggling with this with my ex. I took his bait the other day via text, when arguing over finances/vacation schedules, and revealed my anger. I regret it wholeheartedly. Its always better to keep them in the dark and not reveal any portion of your feelings/anger/hurt/resentment.

You are doing so great!


Posts: 327 | Registered: Feb 2014
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, March 13th (Thursday)

Thanks Shining Autumn, I appreciate your advice. I'm now thinking not to put any letter at all. It's obvious why the locks have been changed.

I'm tempted to contact his lawyer to let her know that he has not paid any of the mothers bills. I did & since he has not paid me there shouls be no reduction in the amount he owes his sister. His sister is evil & we never got on but why should my H benefit financially for bills I paid for! I'm going to ask my lawyer today on her view on this. It's a matter of principal.

I thought I would show you my draft letter to be sent by my lawyer to his lawyer, so you (or anyone else for the matter) has any views. I know it is lengthy but I feel this is my last chance to let him (& his lawyer) know what I think!

Please let me know if I showing too much emotion. The references to the truck stop & trailer park stay :) I want to humiliate him in front of his mother's lawyer!


"F'wit,

You've left me with no choice other than to contact a lawyer due to your continued untrustworthy & thieving nature.

It was agreed that you would let me know when you were coming around to the house. However, in the last 3 weeks you have been over at least 6 times on the dates below with no prior warning;

14 feb
18 feb
19 feb
26 feb
7 mar
10 mar before & after work!

Prior to this I received a text message from you on Wednesday 5 February stating that you will be at the house all week cleaning the garage. This message was rather belated given you had already been at the house on both the Monday & Tuesday.

On Friday 7 February I received a text message from you stating that "the garage will be ready to use in 2 weeks time" (21 February). More than 3 weeks after this moving deadline you set the keys to the garage are still missing. Holding the garage ransom is most unreasonable given you moved out more than 3 months ago. This is ample time for anyone to move their belongings out of a property.

I no longer feel safe with you coming over to the house when it suits you. In fact I find your frequent visits unnecessary since you have no personal belongings in the house. I appreciate that it is your house as well but you moved out sometime ago & no longer live here.

I am left with no choice but to change the locks as it is most unsettling to come home knowing that you have been in the house & each time you come over more items that do not belong to you go missing. Is it a coincidence that each time you come over there is no mail? There is evidence of snooping, the most recent examples being the kitchen drawer. Lock on filing cabinet clearly tampered with. IMac missing for a week, no doubt trying to access my emails. I'm not sure what you are expecting to find? This is illegal. Just because you part own the property  this does not give you the right to blatantly invade my privacy. I have a right to privacy just as you do. I do not have a key to the place you reside nor do i control access to your garage/s. I don't appreciate you using the house as a truck stop, you are living less than 5 minutes away surely you can control your bowel movements until you get to your girlfriend's place.
Also, you may be comfortable living in squalor but  I don't appreciate you dumping large car parts in the front yard so that the house resembles a trailer park.

I refer to my email dated xxx (see attached) where it was agreed that you would not remove any items from the house until you paid for them. In fact, what you have done is steal items that do not belong to you. You lived in the marital home for the last 18 months expense free. You did no house work or took care of paying any bills. In fact, while living in the marital home all you had to worry about was getting up for work & what to watch on tv! I am actually out of pocket for bills I paid for on your mother's behalf! It is disgusting that you feel the right to come into the home that you no longer live in & steal items that don't belong to you, that you have not paid for. Items that my hard earned money has paid for, not yours. You have absolutely no scruples or shame or any guilt for stealing expensive items when you owe me so much money.  I am out of pocket for $8k worth of bike parts for a $33k bike that you paid cash for (see attached) & you are crying poor.

As you have reneged on our agreement (after holding your mother's photo & saying that you would not rip me off) I will remind you that I said if you steal the pictures that i paid $6k for all bets are off. As such you have left me with no alternative but to seek whatever the law states is fair. You know I'm not adverse to paying lawyer fees & am happy to receive less knowing that an unworthy person like you will also receive less.

You did not take the pictures because the house "was unoccupied" as we have been away many times where the pictures have been "unoccupied" & it wasn't a problem for you then. XX is a safe area, so we both know that the pictures were safer here. Besides, you took the pictures once i returned & therefore the house was "occupied".

I'm not sure why you are monitoring my personal movements & believe that I should inform you of my whereabouts now that we are separated. You lost the right to communicate with me when you cheated while living in the marital home & continued to lie about it even when I had physical proof. I don't owe you anything, least of all respect. So please stop calling me, to call someone 5 times in less than 20 minutes & send multiple texts is harassment & shows your angst. It appears the short lived relationship with your sister has soured already & she wants her money asap. I'm not surprised. The two of you couldn't even bond over the death of your mother so I don't see how money, which is everything to you would bring the two of you two together.

Your ongoing contact as such makes me feel unsafe.

My ONLY offer not to seek any share in your mother's property is that
you will pay me what you owe me NOW, which has increased by an additional $10k as I have been advised that I should receive my total inheritance & that you are not to benefit in any way, particularly, when you told me while we were living together as husband & wife that I was not entitled to any of your inheritance, even though you urged me to put my small inheritance on our mortgage.

As we are no longer living as husband & wife & you betrayed & deceived me while living in the marital home you no longer get to use me as your personal bank loan. It's not my problem that you don't have the money, maybe your girlfriend can pick up the tab since you seem accustomed to living beyond your means & sponging off others.

You will file & pay for the divorce.

You will state the reason for divorce as infidelity.

The effective date of divorce will be 6 December 2013, the day you called the other woman from your personal mobile for the first time from the marital home. While I am more than happy to fast track the divorce for my own personal reasons, I am not prepared to lie under oath. As an accredited professional one of the code of ethics is honesty and I don't feel comfortable lying to ease your adulterous conscience.

The above is non negotiable, you either agree to pay me the funds you owe me now or I will seek what I am entitled to by the full extent of the law. Please note that your mother would rather i take a share in her property than the other woman, who represents the same caliber of woman that was responsible for taking half of what your mother had worked so hard for over the years. Given the circumstances I am being very reasonable & have been advised to go you for everything. That includes your bike & whatever cash you received for the sale of your silver commodore.

It is evident that the other woman is coaxing you here because you have never had a mind of your own, hence the frequent visits to the psychic. Plus, what I don't take she will, just like Carol. I wonder if she would still be interested in you if you did not have your beloved Harley or were not mortgage free. She must have saved herself quite the nest egg since being with you as no doubt you would be paying for everything to show off.

To think you live with someone for 12 years & then they shack up with a person of questionable reputation before leaving the marital home & then turn feral & cry unfair treatment! Wolf in sheep's clothing is the only way to describe you.

You really need to do something about your anger for your health's sake.

Once the above is sorted I do not expect to hear from you until divorce time."


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 14th (Friday)

I think its great you took the time to write out to him what you want to say to him. But no, I don't think you should send him any letter at all. It reveals way too much, and he wont interpret it the way you are hoping he will.

As for the money he owes you, I would of course defer to your attorney's advice, but it may be easier to just forget about him paying you back what he owes and instead pursue a share of his mother's property. I cant imagine he will agree to pay you anything that he owes you, so this may be your only route to end up whole financially.

Unfortunately, since you were the primary breadwinner and paid for more stuff, its a sad thing that you most likely will get the short end of the stick in the divorce. but you know what, if that's what it takes to be free of him and move on to a happier life, so be it.

Just make sure you get a good lawyer, and leave all communication through them. I would save the letter you wrote, and maybe burn it one night. Its great to get feelings out on paper, but the end result of actually sending a letter like that usually isn't what the author would hope sadly. remember, these people are selfish and entitled - they will just read it as you being bitter and mean, and thus justifying their cheating.

You are doing so well! Just change the locks and proceed with the divorce. Continue to detach and keep NC.


Posts: 327 | Registered: Feb 2014
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, March 14th (Friday)

Thanks Shining Autumn. I thought as much. I really appreciate your honest advice. I definitely want to keep up with showing him no emotion what so ever. At least writing the letter was good therapy. Besides he already knows what I think & silence is golden as they say. I just wanted to embarrass him in front of his mum's lawyer as no doubt he his lying to her & would be caught out & lose credibility. I will leave it to the lawyer to pick what bits out of it she will use. I also wanted to surprise him by letting him know that I knew the dates he was at the house, even though I was not in the country. He has no idea that the phone bills show location of call or that I still have access to his account even though it is now assigned in his name. Of course he has incurred late fees for most of his bills as I always took care of this. His credit rating will plummet before long.

The annoying thing is that I haven't always made more money than him. He made a career change. So maybe I can get the lawyer to focus on earning capacity rather current salary.

I wonder how he will feel once he finds out that I have changed the locks & he can no longer come over as he pleases to snoop. This will really hit home that this place is no longer his home. If his phone calls continue I am going to see if I can block his number.

Oh & the landline rang at midnight on Thursday night, the same night he last called me from his mobile. I may have to change the number, which is no big deal since no one ever calls the landline. Moron?

And he got her more pandora beads last thursday. Yet the following day he comes over to the house to snoop before work & come over again after work to mow the lawns! What a jerk, no shame. He wouldn't even know what pandora was if he didn't buy the charms for me as gifts. If I was the OW I would hate to receive the same gifts as the W but then again she took my H so she is used to second hand items/ideas. No scruples, either of them!

I hope karma gives them what they both deserve!


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, March 17th (Monday)

My H sent me the below text MSG this morning;

"Dusk,

if you are unwilling to either email me or meet with me to discuses your requirements I'll have to use my solicitor to deal with you, as you stated in a previous email this way would be costly for the both of us. You also have changed the locks on our house without notifying me you were doing so, this was done to protect your personal items in the house from removal by myself of which I have no interest in. The only question I have is how do I gain entry to our house to do the work to ready it for sale now ??? Please either call me after work or email me so we can at least get an agreement on paper signed & we can both move on with our lives. I have no interest in ripping you off as I have stated I agree to pay you what I ow you. Thanks f'wit"

I like the way he thinks he is threatening me by the use of lawyer. I passed the email on to my lawyer for her info.

I don't know whether to continue with the NC or respond by saying please provide me with your solicitors contact details so that I can pass this on to my lawyer. That way I will call his bluff & see if he responds with any details. Thing is last night I received a letter addressed to him from his mum's lawyer re him buying out the sister's share (I opened it by "accident"). So that indicates to me that he has not told this solicitor that we have separated or that they are incompetent & not updated his mailing address.
He is clearly on the out with the sister & I'm guessing it is because of the buy out figure - not as much as she was expecting. He has no one left but the OW now so I hope she gets put off by his desperate neediness.

It's also clear that he has no regrets & wants me out of his life ASAP. I know with time I will be better off without him....

Any advice on whether I should respond or continue to keep up with the NC would be appreciated.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Ok, so my lawyer said to respond to my H text message (posted above) with the below;

"Like you I would like this settled as quickly & amicably as possible without court intervention. 

You left me with no choice other than to contact a lawyer due to your continued untrustworthy & thieving nature. You removed expensive items from the home that you agreed both verbally & in writing that you would not remove until you paid for them.

The locks were changed as you were coming & going as you pleased without advising me, particularly when I was out of the country. You even came over before work the day you last mowed the lawns. This is an invasion of privacy. I do not come to your place of residence when no one is there to snoop. I was also concerned that strangers entered the property as some of my personal belongings are missing & the safe you removed on one of your unannounced visits requires 2 people to move.

Please provide me with your solicitor's contact details or have them contact me so that my lawyer can contact him or her directly."

What do you think? Do I break the NC to respond since not responding cost me dearly last week! Or do I let the lawyer contact his lawyer?


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, March 18th (Tuesday)

Let your lawyer contact his lawyer. Your note to him gives him way too much.

"Please provide me with your solicitor's contact details so that my lawyer can contact him or her directly."

That is all that needs to be said.


Posts: 752 | Registered: Sep 2010
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Ok so my H responds to my text MSG re lawyer details with the below;

Sorry Dusk It's my house as welI & I can come & go as I wish , leaving the house unattended for two weeks while you are oversees left me no option to remove my items even though I have agreed to pay for them, my solicitor advised to do this after I told him you hid my watches, I saw him on the 4th of March & yes I did go to our house when you were overseas how do you think I put it together you were gone. And I went there alone, I'm sorry you have been hurt by all this & I want it to settled honestly for both off us. I will get my solicitor to draw up my requirements & mail them to you if that's how you want to deal with things I understand.

Regards F'wit"

Like tell me what lawyer would tell his client to take expensive items from the martial home that he vacated more than 3 months ago? And the reason is laughable - because i hid his watches, puhlease! He took the pictures after I returned! And the watches are not hidden at all as they are not in the house. My brother has them as safe keeping. And the watch he is wearing he has not paid for so can get off his self righteous high horse!
Oh & like I believe that he is sorry for hurting me! All he is concerned about is whether I go his mum's property.

I still can't believe this has happened to me & I've had a sad week where all I'm doing is crying & I have to fight the tears back at work!

I feel so worthless because he left me for a fat ugly she bloke & threw away our 10 year marriage to be with her! 12 years together & no love lost on his behalf! How can I not feel like a loser! How can he move in with her 2 minutes after he leaves me & 3 months later their relationship is still going strong! We never went away for weekends together this early. It's not fair....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

I wrote this for another member in JFO but it seems fitting here too.

It's understandable that you feel this way but it's not true at all.
Try to understand that he is not picking her over you. He is picking running from his issues instead of facing them.

Being with you requires him to face his problems and get help. Being with her allows him to deny he has any problems.

What he has with her is not authentic. She allows his issues to continue without confrontation. The moment she starts asking too many questions or is upset by his actions she's out the door.

He is not picking her over you. You are not worthless. You are healthy enough to know what he's doing isn't right and he's running from facing that, not from you. Although if you asked him he'd blame it on you in a heartbeat. He's not well and he'll do just about anything to deny that, including blaming you for his behavior.

Honey you deserve real love. You deserve to be respected by your husband and to have a faithful partner. He's not able to be that guy right now. And until he's able to accept that he has problems and he makes the decision to face them and work on them, nothing will change.

You are not worthless. He can't stay with you because you aren't broken enough to accept his behavior. He's leaving because you are worthy.

He has to pick someone that low on the food chain in order for her to be able to look up to him and make him feel like he's great like he is. His messed up self may very well be an upgrade for her pathetic life. That's why WSs shop from the bottom of the barrel. No healthy person would put up with his shit.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)

Betrayed -- thank you! 2years out and I still need to hear this. Thank you.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2033 | Registered: Jan 2012
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Thanks betrayed wife for your supportive words. I have never experienced such pain before! I think the rejection hurts the most. He threw me & our 10 year marriage away for trailer trash. If he loved me & was happy with me he would not have left me for her. The fact that she is so gross & unfeminine just reinforces how unhappy he was with me & how desperate he was to leave me - really good for the ego!! I just wonder why he didn't leave me years ago if he was so unhappy with me!  All the happy memories we shared seem fake now. Even our wedding, what was the point of it.

I just can't help feel that I deserve this because I have my faults & am not the easiest person to live with, but I am loving & caring & funny - all things he loved about me. I think the fact that he shares so many of the same interests with the OW made him realise that we have nothing in common.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Go back and read what I wrote. She's not an upgrade from you as a person. He picked her because she is so messed up that it makes his life look wonderful. You require that he be honest and respectful. She does not require that from him. Without making big changes the chick that he is with is the best that he can hope for. A healthy woman will want nothing to do with him.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts. I know it feels like personal rejection. He's left your marriage how can you not feel like it's a rejection of you?

It's the same logic that is in place when people say that you had nothing to do with his affairs. That they weren't about you. To a loving and devoted spouse this seems impossible. When you take a breath and step back you'll start to see that it's all about his problems.

"Getting" that makes it a bit easier to understand. It doesn't make it hurt less. He's out the door and doesn't want to make the changes to save your marriage. That is so painful.

You have to let go that you deserved this. You know you didn't-that's why it's unacceptable to you. I'm going to assume you didn't get married 2 days after you met. He knew you when you got married. No matter what habits or routines you have that may make life difficult, he signed on to be a loyal and respectful partner to you for life. And he broke that vow.

He is also in full denial of what he's done and is doing so he will play into whatever insecurities you have to try to take the focus off of himself. He knows what upsets you, worries you, what things you struggle with. We all have these things. He knew these things because you have been married for so long. He is using these things to make you feel guilty about yourself in an effort to diminish the unacceptable things he's doing. It's an underhanded way to blame you for his behavior.

If he ran into a bank and robbed it, killing a guard-would you feel responsible for his actions? Would you believe you should be sent to jail because you somehow caused him to do it? I would guess that no, you wouldn't feel responsible for that. He obviously went off the deep end. This is no different.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ThisHell
Member
Member # 37089
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, March 21st (Friday)

Dusk,

You should check out the book "Living and Loving After Betrayal" by Steven Stosny

I'm reading it right now as it was recommended on another forum and its quite good! We need to realize that our healing from this is OUR responsibility... not fair, but true. And the only way we can do that is to begin recognizing and living our values, not our feelings... regaining our sense of self by being authentic again... its hard when we second guess ourselves, our words, our actions because to some degree, our anger and resentment WANT to fight fire with fire... but deep down this is not who we truly ARE and we are left feeling more empty by doing so. Its a good read and helpful in regaining one's footing again.


Me:BW, 34/Him:BH, 34/ 3 boys, 5,8,12
4ddays, now Divorced
We are not in Kansas anymore

Posts: 274 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: NC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, March 21st (Friday)

There is a 'honey, they always affair down' thread somewhere in JFO--I'll try to find and bump it for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4054 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, March 21st (Friday)

Betrayed Wife - the thing is he does blame me for what he has done. "There was too much negative energy here" He got this line straight from the psychic's mouth who he saw less than 2 weeks after I first confronted him about the "just friends" emails with his ho worker. He is so lost without the guidance from his mum. She was the only person he ever really cared about.

Yep, all faults lie with me. I was the sole cause of his unhappiness but it took the OW to make him realize how unhappy he was with me! I have no doubt that if it was not for the OW he would still be here. I'm not defending him over her just pointing out that my H is a complacent coward, who is too scared to be alone. 

He has also turned into an opportunist. He hated his sister yet they became best buddies some months before leaving me. He could count on her to support his cheating ways as she always had the next partner lined up before leaving the previous partner. But as predicted, their short lived sibling bond is already over! He is buying her out of her share in the mum's house, figure agreed & they have now served each other's purpose, so no need for the fake friendship to continue. They have not spoken in a month & after 3 or 4 calls a day for months I know for sure their relationship has soured. He know has no one to cry victim to - he cheated on me so no one else will condone his actions. He has no one else to vent to but the OW. I hope this is the beginning of the demise of their relationship, he has way too much emotional baggage & if he does not vent to her he will have to explode at some point.....not sure how long it will be before they both realize that there is more to life than joy rides on his beloved Harley....

Oh & I know for a fact that he was bluffing about seeing a lawyer as I received more correspondence yesterday from his lawyer re the mum's property. Surely he would tell them his new address if they knew we were separated. He really must be panicking about my next move since he now knows I want our finances settled by a lawyer. This was his doing. I bet he regrets taking those pictures now as it gave me a very good reason to change the locks. His anger got the better of him & he did not get a reaction out of me like he expected. He always told me cool & calm wins. Too bad he is not taking his own advice. And the fact that he told me that his solicitor told him to take the pictures because i hid the watches is pathetic & shows how he is not thinking rationally here. Oh & if he did actually see a lawyer he would know that he can not come & go as he pleases. I now see the power in offering as little information as possible. If he saw the lawyer at the beginning of the month surely I would have received something in the mail by now. The day I asked him to provide me with his lawyer's details he spoke to his old work mate (in his 50's) for over 20 minutes. I know he is panicking now. This guy does not know he is cheating, only his evil sister & one male friend know. I hope very soon he has enough rope to hang himself, this is all his doing....

And you are right he does know my insecurities and has been trying to provoke my anger by controlling me from a distance & then stealing stuff when he does not get the outcome he was after. The old me would have reacted. Then he goes back to the nice guy in his last message by saying "sorry you have been hurt by all of this". Jerk!

I think deep down he is suffering from low self esteem but portrays himself as the big man on campus. He thinks he is stronger than me emotionally because he acts as the tough guy but we I think I have shown him that I am emotionally stronger than we both gave me credit for.

Thishell - Thank you for the book recommendation. I will be sure to read it. As time goes on I realize that revenge will not give me the peace I am looking for. I will let destiny take care of that.....


Norabird - I did read that thread sometime ago & I felt better about myself momentarily :) 


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)

You just keep on keeping on, seeing your lawyer, following his advice, and giving crickets to the ridiculous bull-pucky that''s coming out of your WHs mouth. NC except for true discussions about asset divisions. Let your lawyer do the talking. You know that you''re married to a user, so just don''t go there. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4692 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)


Well, I had an interesting evening. My H received the first letter from my lawyer as he called me last night (which I ignored) & then he sent me a text message saying "you'll be sorry now".

The nerve of him to threaten me after he stole the led zep pictures yet he still expects me to play fair! Self righteous B!

I went straight to the police & made out I was scared in an attempt to get a RO but they couldn't based on that text message alone. But they were going to give him a call to ask him what he meant by that comment. It's on record now & at least he now knows I mean business & that no contact means no contact!

He then sends me another message, a photo of his lawyer's details & asks me to give my solicitor his solicitor's details for all matters. Like I've only been waiting since 19 March for his lawyer's contact details!  And he saw his lawyer on 4 March & as yet has not asked them to act! I like the way he now makes out that he is the one initiating no contact now! F'wit!

Does he expect me to let him rob me blind & I still play fair? My letter is seeking half of his share in his mum's property which i said previously that I would not pursue but I told him all bets are off he took the pictures & he did so I'm only sticking to my end of the agreement.

To think I still cry over this f'wit!

I'm still worried what he means by I'll be sorry now though....


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Furious1
Member
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I would save that text message and show it to your lawyer and see what she can do for you.

Personally, I don't think you are really crying over him. I think you are grieving the loss of 12 years of your life that you invested in a relationship with him which is perfectly normal.

This man has been use to having you under his thumb for 12 years. He's throwing a temper tantrum now that you are not.

I do hope you have a way of protecting yourself just in case he tries anything. He seems emotionally immature and unstable at best. You take care of you. He's grasping at straws in an attempt to get you to react the old way that he is most comfortable with. Don't give him what he wants. Keep everything going through your lawyer so that he can't try to use it against you.


BW: 41
WH: 48
Married 18 years. SD: 25 from his 1st. M. DS: 20 from 1st M. DD: 16 (autistic)

D-day: Oct. 2013 with ongoing revelations.
6 affairs, 1 OC, My sister was OW#5 with countless attempted A's.
Considering R but fully ready to D.


Posts: 270 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
lastdance
Member
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, April 8th (Tuesday)

DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HIM......DO NOT ANSWER TEXTS MESSAGES ...PHONE CALSS...EMAILS......NO CONTACT AT ALL.......THIS IS GOING TO GET BUMPY......

(KEYS ARE STUCK,,SORRY FOR ALL CAPS)

(((((((HUGS))))))


Posts: 152 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 9th (Wednesday)

And so the texting continues.....

First one "Please return my watches to me they are mine I have bought you gifts in the past that equal what the watches are worth"

Second one "I will remove the remainder of my items from the garage the only thing in there is the EH engine on the stand & lawn mowers I will do this over the Easter long week end I will text you a day before so you don't have to be there."

Is he demented? He sends me a threatening text last night  ("you'll be sorry now") & today he asks me to return his watches!!!!! Even if he did not send the threatening text, he took items worth $7k from the home that he has not paid for because "his solicitor advised him to because I hid his watches" & even ignoring that, the watch he is currently wearing has not been paid for! 

The led zep pics are worth 3 times as much as his stupid watches! I would say we are even! 

F'wit, keeps trying to push & then cries foul play. I've had just about enough of this lunatic. If he keeps pushing I will expose his affair to his work (annonomously)  & get them to check his & the she bloke OW mobile & emails & car mileage for potential abuse.

Oh & let's not forget that he tells me to refer all matters to his lawyer yet he can still contact me!

I get that WS do not act or think logically but even by WS standards is his thinking demented? I'm seriously concerned for his lack of rational thinking or do I still not get how a WS mind operates? 

All jokes aside, his mind is scaring me........surely this can't be normal??


Furious1 - I did forward his text to my lawyer & will do the same with the above. I  agree with you. I realise that I am grieving the M rather than my H. It's such a shame to waste 12 years of your life with someone you thought you would be with forever. I keep thinking back to our wedding day & can't believe it has come to this. That my loyal faithful H who loved me so much could betray me like this. He was a good guy but he changed. But he did not have me under the thumb. He reckons he took a step back in our relationship by "letting me be the domineering" one since he was the domineering one in his previous relationship. I find that hard to believe given his mother was so domineering.  He is trying to get me to react though. My cool calm silence is killing him as it is so unlike me. While his demeanor has fluctuated from hostility & anger to apologetic to anger again.....

Last dance - no chance of me responding to any of his communication, although I have been tempted at times. I have kept this NC up since 23 Jan & only broke it one to let me him know why I changed the locks & to request his lawyer's details. I ain't turning back now


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
Duskpearl
Member
Member # 41870
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 12th (Saturday)

Looks like the police finally contact my H. I received this very nasty text message from him this morning

"I just had the police contact me regarding threats I have made against you, let's clarify one thing now the you'll be sorry now comment is regarding to you trying to gain half of my mothers house something that we both agreed that you wouldn't do & we would both not touch each other's super I would never do anything to harm you it's not on my nature, remember I left you, it's usually the person that has been abandoned that has the evil thoughts,  but it's clear now how low you will go to prove your self the victim here. This is the last time I will contact you, I will return to the house as stated earlier to remove the Eh motor after Easter,  my solicitor will deal with you now in the future. And I will never return to the house   After 12 years of your controlling ways I'm so glad to be free of you & this phone conversation I had with constable ford proves how evil you are & how you'll try anything to get at me to strengthen your case good luck with that. Thank god we never had kids, I can only imagine how much you would have enjoyed destroying me if that had happened."


I accept controlling but I will not accept evil, that's all on him. Of course, he's the victim in all of this even though he states he has abandoned me!

I so regret wasting 12 years of my life with someone who has turned out like this.


Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows

Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Australia
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, April 13th (Sunday)

Ugh I am so sorry. That must be really hard to read.

He's got his head so far up his ass he couldn't tell a gold nugget from a load of crap so please, do not take one single iota of what he says personally.

His vitriol is a reflection of him, not you.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, April 14th (Monday)

His vitriol is a reflection of him, not you.

Amen to that ^^^

Take the high road and keep to your NC.

And please get your share of all marital assets.

FTG!

((((Duskpearl))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 81