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Reconciliation
User Topic: "I had no idea it would hurt you that bad." WS's welcome!
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 20th (Monday)

WHY NOT? I DID! I don't get this statement and I know other WS's have said it. WH said this again recently, thinking he was consoling me, that he would have never done this if he had any idea how much it would destroy me. It's one of the most painful things he says. I truly believe WH is truly remorseful, is doing everything he can to work on himself and our marriage, but this is so hurtful to me.
I told him I always knew it would hurt me this much. I would have nightmares, approximately twice a year, where WH cheated on me and I could barely speak to or look at him the next day, and would tell him how gutted I felt even though it was just a dream. So he knew how much I feared this and how badly just a dream about it affected me.
He says it's probably a combination of the fog and not realizing what he had done before it was too late, and then compartmentalizing and justifying. He says at that time he would think back to the few media portrayals he'd seen of spouses finding out their husband cheated - a few disappointed looks, a "how could you" and then a few sad walks alone out in nature and then all is forgiven. (It's true, we've all seen it!) And also that he claims that he just never thought about how much it would hurt either of us prior to the A, because he just assumed neither of us ever would.
But of course, all I can think is that he doesn't love me nearly as much as I love him. But that doesn't seem right either. I mean, it always seemed like he was truly in love with me and still does. But how can someone not KNOW that this would nearly kill their spouse? Is it a lack of empathy? But even that, I've always viewed WH as a very empathetic person. It freaks me out to think that I'm married to someone that could think for a minute that infidelity wouldn't hurt "that much." The only other thing I can think of is that his father (as we found out later) cheated on his mother, he admits to it only being once but we question if it wasn't more common than that. In his home, especially between WH and his sister, there were a lot of "Did you see dad check out that woman." "Did you see dad talking to that woman?" "Did you see the look mom just gave dad when he was dancing with that chick?" Ha ha, tee hee hee. But it's not like WH was like that AT ALL. Not a flirt or womanizer, so I assumed he took adultery more seriously than his father did.
Anyone?

[This message edited by naivewife at 11:41 AM, January 20th (Monday)]


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I can see why that hurts. The *that bad* partÖ But he knew it would hurt you *at all*, period, so why do it in the first place?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Naivewife,

I can't grasp this either. My WH has said the same thing, as well as that he "didn't consider" how I would feel because he never considered the possibility of the A being revealed. He also says he never allowed himself to "go there in his thoughts" because he didn't want to have to "do" anything about it. He claims that he didn't allow himself to even acknowledge that he was cheating on me.

Sounds bizarre, I know. My WH will even admit it is bizarre and schizophrenic in the way he compartmentalized.

I understand it intellectually, but emotionally I find it very difficult to believe.

It may have something to do with believing that we know someone very well and attributing characteristics to them ( honesty, dependability, faithfulness, morality) because we want to believe that they possess them.

The actions of someone who betrays us just don't seem to fit with the characters we have created for them.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I've heard the same thing and i call bullshit.

He knew it would hurt, hurt badly.

That's why affairs are kept secret.

(((naivewife)))


Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 20th (Monday)

I remember on dday, or shortly after, FWH told me he didn't realize how much it would hurt me..which I called him out on. I, too, had dreams that he was cheating a few times a year..and we had talked about it..he may not have realized the depth of the pain he would cause..but he knew it would be devastating.

I think it's more that most of them don't think they will get caught, so taking the time to really consider how much pain they would be causing wasn't even on their radar.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, January 20th (Monday)

Concur with Kiki. I never want to hear the words "If I knew how bad it would hurt you I never would have done this (tm)" again.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 20th (Monday)

The *that bad* partÖ But he knew it would hurt you *at all*, period, so why do it in the first place?

Yeah, cuz you get to decide how bad it's ok for me to hurt.

ASSWIPE.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 20th (Monday)

It is really more like:
"I had such a profound failure of empathy as a human being that I chose to ignore how devastating this would be for you so that I might behave as if my actions had no bearing on anyone else but myself."

or,

"There was no room at the center of the universe for you. Just me."


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
kmom2662
Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 20th (Monday)

You said you wanted WS's input for this, so I'm going to try to give my perspective on it. Please don't take it as any kind of justification, I feel terrible about what I've done and the mess I've made of things; I've beem in IC and have been reading and posting here, and am trying to sort things out in my own mind.

There are two parts, I think:
First, as someone else stated, most of us WS's are masters of compartmentalization. I am so used to stuffing feelings down that it is hard for me to imagine the depths other people are capable of feeling. I hate it, wish I could change it, but I'm wired that way, at least for now. I have hopes that therapy etc. will help.

Second, the marriage before the A had problems with our attachment to each other for many years. H had FOO issues that made it neccessary for him to stay detached and not expose his feelings, even to me. I really didn't feel like I mattered enough to him for anything I did to really wound him. Now I see how wrong I was, but I didn't then. Again, please don't take as an excuse. I saw and did everything through a very damaged mindset and coping skills.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Of course he knew it would hurt you but the rush he felt during the A was more important than your feelings at the time. He would be better off saying "Yes, I knew it would hurt you but the need to satisfy my ego was more important. I now realize how immature I am and my biggest priority now is to grow up."

He will need to go through this justifying phase until he does grow up because he has been caught red-handed and knows there is NO excuse.

Hope this works out for you honey, take care of yourself.


Love Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I also was never supposed to be hurt because I would never find out. He can't remember, but thinks he might have tried to sound cool to OW by saying, "What my wife doesn't know can't hurt her/me." But then other times he says that at the point of the chase/infidelity, he didn't think of me at all- poof- I didn't exist. So I have no idea how he comartmentalized.
WH also thinks he was desensitized to infidelity because he lived in a family full of adulterers. His grandmother's open mistress status was appalling to outsiders. Grandparents cheating, both parents cheating...

WH has claimed that if he had understood what the fallout would be he hopes he wouldn't have done it.
I remind him that regardless of the pain for me, what about his own sin/morality? He should have been better to his own soul too. This is why they need to go to IC or if that is impossible, they need to do some heavy self examination to become a better person for themselves too. Become a better man, or a better woman, if you will, regardless of R possibility.

Unlike your H, mine scores appalling low on the empathy test his IC gave him. But like your H, mine was aways sort of shy and not a flirt.
(t/j- other ridiculous statements have come in referencing OW: "She was on a mission!" Talk about not owning your own $#^+!)

My WH was painfully aware of his father's exploits, and and was even dragged in the family car along with his sisters while his mother collected up their wayward father from a girlfrend's house one night. He had always indicated to me that this was all so unacceptable to him. So I was shocked when WH went out of town and-bam!

None of it makes sense to us. We don't think that way.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
flayed
Member
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I too feel like he should have known how this would completely devastate me. I told him how both of my parents had cheated on each other and I never wanted that to happen to us. (Because this happened growing up, and the way that my parents justified their waywardness, I grew a very firm belief in the Prevention Myth of affairs (i.e. if you make certain to meet all of your mate's physical and emotional needs, they will never stray)). I also would have nightmares about him cheating on me (3-4 times a year) and it would devastate me. I would talk to him about how painful and terrifying those dreams were. He would always comfort and reassure me that they were only dreams. Now it turns out my life is 1000% more devastating and painful than even my worst nightmare!!!! I could never have dreamed of the actual events that took place during his A!!


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Mine said the opposite...He said he KNEW it was deal breaker in our marriage. He said his legs were shaking as he drove away from our house to meet her. And it still didn't stop him...He did it at least 4 times. He gives himself so much credit because he stopped at 4. I ask why stop at 4 and he says because he knew it was wrong. Yeah, but you said you knew it was wrong the first time but you still did it. He talks in circles!!

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
naivewife
Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 20th (Monday)

He said he KNEW it was deal breaker in our marriage.

Ugh, yeah, WH has said this too. That he hit a point where he basically resigned himself to the fact that I would never take him back if/when I found out. I guess this is where the danger lies when trying to decode the WS mind. Looking for the logic in the illogical.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 342 | Registered: Feb 2013
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Weird. My WW said she knew it would hurt me, but that she continued because she didn't think that I would ever find out.

She said that during an MC session as though I would take some sort of comfort from it. Yeah, that's one of the stupidest things I'll ever hear in my entire life.

I guess if you're going to hurt someone and don't want to just accept that you're OK with hurting people for your pleasure any excuse will do.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
dmg35
New Member
Member # 41552
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My WW said those exact words to me "I didn't think it would hurt you this much" are you frigging kidding me. How did she think it would feel..... I never thought you would find out as she was getting ready to break it off, her EA lasted at least 6 weeks that I know of...... those words hurt deeply

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: north east
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My WH had compartmentalized it so much, he literally thought it wouldn't affect me at all. His "porn colored glasses" had him completely upside down. It had taken over his whole life... Every free moment was porn.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I knew it would blow up our marriage. And it did.
It was the only thing He had ever asked of me.
Affairs are not thought through. I thought I could handle it. It turns out I actually DID have values, by the time I realized this it was too late. And it scares the crap out of me because I thought I knew myself. I did not.
There was an equal reaction to the magnitude of my betrayal. I commend those who can stop themselves from doing this.

We discussed today how big a thing it was. I tried to pick a fight to tell him how hurt I was, two years later. He didn't engage and I went to therapy.

I guess the one thing about being a MH is that you do understand the hurt. So, he did know what it felt like and did it to me. Message received loud and clear!

[This message edited by rachelc at 4:24 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5242 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Of course our WS knew it would hurt us. Because in a nut shell.

That's why affairs are kept secret.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I know I had no idea it would hurt me so bad. I mean I knew it would hurt but I didn't expect it to destroy my self esteem and sense of safety like this. I thought I was stronger than I was. I had no idea how much my husband's actions could affect my self worth. My guard is up now and I'm not sure if I will be able to trust anyone like that again.

Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 20th (Monday)

scubachick is so right here.

I didn't know how much this would devastate me either. I should have known, because my WH#1 did the same thing. I just found out a lot sooner and I was much younger. I kicked him out and bounced back much quicker.

Even WH#2 had been cheated on in his first marriage but said that he didn't know how much I would be hurt.

this stuff is so crazy.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 783 | Registered: Feb 2012
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 20th (Monday)

good point Scubachick,

I didnt know it would hurt and devastate me so much either.

Maybe what they mean and cant really express is "I didnt know it would so totally change and damage our life forever".


Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
PrideFallen
Member
Member # 42002
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, January 20th (Monday)

One WS point of view Ė and Iím speaking here simply for myself; I wonít claim to generalize for others. For me, the statement that ďI had no ideaĒ wasnít quite true. Obviously, I had an idea. I didnít focus on it, though; I didnít really give it consideration. The degree of selfishness involved was staggering, and Iím still processing just how I got to that point and that it was really me. The result was that I didnít, in fact, grasp the depth of the pain, but that was due to my living in selfish la-la land and not exploring what my BW might feel.

There was some discussion in the thread about empathy; for me I donít think it was an inability to empathize, but rather a choice not to empathize. A choice to focus on myself and ignore what others would feel. I realize that making the choice is worse than being incapable. Being incapable of empathy is a sickness. Choosing not to empathize, when you can, is cruel, or perhaps both cowardly and cruel.

Iím not yet at the point where I fully understand how I got to this place where I was so selfishly cruel. I don't have answers to it all at this point, so there's no grand conclusion here. Just some thoughts on where my mindset was at the time.


Me: WH, 40
Her: BW, 40
D-Day June 2013
Working on R

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jan 2014
totalheartbreak
Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I've heard the same thing and i call bullshit.

^THIS.

I even found text exchanges that describe "not wanting to hurt anybody"... and "this has potential to be disastrous."

NO DUH... and yet... it still happened and you (WSs) went along with it.

I no longer wish to understand this. I am proud I am not like this.

I will always keep my partners interests in line with mine... how arrogant.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2013
OnTilt
Member
Member # 34140
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I honestly had NO idea before that it would hurt me so much. We all have had times where we imagine how we would feel, and for me there was NO comparison to the real thing. I just thought I would sad, angry hurt. I never imagined the wide array of such different and strong emotions and bouncing back and forth between them. Really, my imagination was nowhere near the real thing!

I also had a dream once that H cheated and I was sobbing in my dream and woke up with my heart pounding and I was shaking and terrified. But what really shocked me when I woke up was how UPSET I was in the dream! That really surprised me AND confused me. I know that sounds weird...

And even with all that, I still can't imagine my wh would be THAT hurt if I cheated!? I know that sounds impossible, but I really can't imagine it. And I think I have quite a bit of empathy, I'm constantly putting myself in other people's shoes. So, I do think it's possible he really had no conception of the pain it would really cause...


BS(Me), WH(Him) in our 50's
Status: I'm giving up on him

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I feel this post....

Wife is a compartmentalizer and feeling stuffer from her childhood....her sister is too. So I think that is part of it...at least at first. She simply never spent time thinking about me, our M, or our family....her affair was like a second life,,,,,period. She would start it after she dropped our girls off....and end it after she had her fix for the day.....and then sneak a little piece of it at night as she texted him rapid-fire style while I and our girls were asleep.

Then, she saw how devastated as I was....but played it off as she was just hurting me....she would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt our girls. And even the hurt I was feeling and expressing was water off a ducks back....she reasoned that she never really did bond with me. I saw emails listing all of my faults....justifications why that, sure adultery is bad and I am sorry (regret) but my M was dead anyway (no remorse). I have to admit our bond was not healthy. BOTH of our FOO issues silently derailed true intimate bonding from happening.....so I am no saint, but I also did not cheat.

This NO IDEA, NO CARING phase lasted about 6 months start to finish....have no idea how I made it through that period other than God helped me tremendously.

Finally, my wife started to feel some remorse....started to really look at what she had done and reduced the justifications as to why.


I would say at about 12 months much of this NO IDEA, NO CARING phase was ended.


The deal is....there are still consequences to those actions.

The whole affairs-start-innocently phase? It held water up until my first DD....after that it was nothing but intentional actions done by my wife to do nothing but fulfill what appeared to be an insatiable hunger for adultery. Actually, she was forced into a crash diet of no adultery when her fAP dumped her. A fact I was really concerned about at first....but my concern has diminished over time. My concern, of course, was that the world is a buffet for those desiring affairs.....dime a dozen, or cheaper depending on whose stats you choose and if you want to take out a month subscription to AshleyMadison.

I have accepted my past. I have forgiven my wife. I am working through the pain still.

To tell you the truth.....I personally had no idea just how hurt I was...I am hoping that at 17 months out I have a pretty good grasp of the hurt....but I am open to the fact that I don't yet know.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:17 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3958 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Oftencheatedon
Member
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I had some terrible relationships with cheating. The worst one was the ex that married someone else 6 weeks before our wedding. The second worst was the guy that spent a wonderful loving weekend with me the week before he announced his engagement. Not sure who he cheated on - her or me? I was devastated from both as both were long term many year relationships.

I did not even date for years after being betrayed so badly (there are actually a couple of more). I've told my current DH all of this. So he'd better not 1) ever cheat or 2) try to say he didn't know it would hurt me.

His ex wife did cheat on him. It was no big deal to him as he'd only married her when she got knocked up from a ONS.


Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Betrayed67
Member
Member # 38134
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My WH told me he didn't expect me to get hurt that bad (WTH??) He obviously wasn't banking on getting caught, but he got caught so the aftermath he wasn't expecting occurred. He said that the pain he saw in me on DDay1(and the various DDays thereafter) was excruciating and the realization that he responsible for it made him feel so guilty.

My WH, like yours, is remorseful and is doing all he can to make amends. But it doesn't make the pain any less.

[This message edited by Betrayed67 at 9:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)]


Me-BW 46 yo;Him - WH 53 yo
Married 13years
One daughter together 9yo, 2 stepchildren(His from previous marriage)
Various DDdays (see my profile)
ONS and multiple "friendships" with women in various online dating sites

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: New Zealand
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Like scubachick, I didn't even realize how painful it would be to be a BS. I thought I was stronger, thought my self esteem was fantastic. I also thought I'd be better able to separate his poor choices from me, ie him making the decision to cheat isn't a reflection of me. This experience has simply just shattered me, and just now at 2 years out I'm picking up the pieces and finally at some level feeling okay about who I am again. That doesn't mean I can really trust anyone yet, but I am starting to be okay in my own choices.
My XH choses the least painful path in most areas of his life, FOO in my opinion. Therefore, how could I have expected him to feel the depth of this? I don't think that would be possible.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
greengiant
Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My WW said that "I knew it would hurt you, this is why I kept it secret. However, I didn't thought it would hurt you that bad".

My WW has FOO issues, she can't say how she is feeling, always faking that she is happy. So I guess that she couldn't empathize as she can't even know how she feels.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I am kind of the opposite of some of the BSs here - it is excruciating - yes. I couldn't have imagined the pain - however, on another level, I thought it would level me, and crush my love for my husband.

Turns out I am far stronger than I thought I was. (And, I still love him. I guess I really meant for better, or for worse.)


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

WH knew how bad it would hurt me which is why he kept it hidden. He even told me he didn't confess because he was afraid to lose me.

The truth is they are only thinking about themselves in the first place so whether or not they knew we would be hurt is irrelevant. They didn't care.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
LetMeRollIt
Member
Member # 41189
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

WW said the same thing many times. Even said she was sure i always knew and didn't care.

Although I must say, I never imagined this would hurt this bad. Six months out and I still have the pain in my chest.


D day- June 30, 2013
Me - BS
Married 15 years
5 year old child
Attempting R as of Oct. 1 2013

"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown


Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Coachdig10
Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think my WW didn't think I would find out, although I was close many times. I also think she thought I didn't care about her very much so it wouldn't hurt me. That was my fault for not showing her as much love as she needed. But it is the most painful experience of my life.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
ladya
Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My FWS has said this as well. I think we need to remember they did not have an affair and think about anyone but themselves and the AP. They don't have an affair and think about getting caught. No one else matters during this time.

Sounds harsh but I think it's true.

With this being said, once they "get it" they understand the pain their actions caused. It takes time..........


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 885 | Registered: Jul 2010
lemony.2008
Member
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

((((naivewife))))

Instead of trying to make sense out of all the non-sense, what do you need today to help you feel better (besides never having to face infidelity...)? How can you be a comfort to yourself to heal your pain? How can you take care of yourself today? What does naivewife need today?

Sometimes, we need a shift in focus so that we don't spiral down. It is his work to figure out his affair, let him do it. Your work now is to love yourself, heal yourself, and focus on taking care of you.


Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron


Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I keep reading how the WS never thought the BS would find out and that freaks me out. My WH would have kept this secret for the rest of our lives if I wouldn't have caught on. That's a huge secret to keep...that's a lot to carry for the BS. It has to create distance in the marriage, doesn't?

It makes me angry just thinking about how my husband threatened to divorce me for going to scubadiving with a group of instructors that were both male and female. He was jealous of one of the guys for no reason at all. I even invited my husband to come with us on the boat since he doesn't dive. He was so upset about it so I decided not to go because it wasn't worth it. My marriage was more important than diving. All the while he was running around at night with his "employee" while I was at home asleep.


Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
ambivalence26
New Member
Member # 38037
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

DDay for us was almost 5 years ago. We have been together for 35 years. Still struggling in R. My WH doesn't understand how I can possibly still be hurt, after all this time by his betrayal. According to him, he is just trying to move forward and doesn't get why I'm still hurt. He too, said the very same thing about having no idea how badly I would be hurt by his inappropriate behavior. I asked him, if you knew it would have just hurt me a little bit, would that have been better, would that have been OK? Would you have done it sooner, maybe have/had multiple affairs? I think it's a cop out for these unfaithful spouses to say they had no idea we would be so hurt?

And I don't like the word compartmentalize. They did what they did, ignored everything else, knowing full well, their betrayed spouse would be devastated, their marriages compromised once they get/got caught. Then tell us how much they love/loved us the whole time they were cheating. Is that how you show someone you love them you sleep with someone else's wife/husband?

This was someone I trusted with my whole heart an soul, and he broke it. How do you ever trust again?

We have been in therapy for years. and I'm still struggling with the hurt and sadness he has brought to my life. Does anyone else feel this
way? When does the hurt go away? When I leave him?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: midwest
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I personally find the ďI didnít know you would be so hurtĒ excuse one of the most uncreative, poorly thought out, hurtful lies of all.

My H said that, and my answer was:
ďReally? You REALLY had no idea I would be hurt?
If you truly had no idea I would be so hurt and angry, why did you hide it from me?
You Ďdidnít knowí that I would be upset- so tell me, why did you go OUT OF YOUR WAY to lie, come up with excuses, sneak around, cover your tracks, and manipulate me?Ē

What he means is that he never meant to hurt you BECAUSE HE NEVER MEANT FOR YOU TO FIND OUT.

Iím sorry, that is not remorseful. It is another excuse and another lie.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
truthsetmefree
Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Quite a bit further out so I've had plenty of time to process much of these very feelings - which do get better, btw. I've kinda come to the realization that people often do things that have certain potentially devastating and recognized consequences. They just don't understand how far reaching those consequences can be or they think they can escape the bullet in the chamber fallout.

I've come to think of FWH's affair much as us traveling in a car - with him at the wheel and driving recklessly. We were both at risk - and perhaps in risking himself, he was unable to fully recognize how he was risking me. His "driving" was a form of emotional suicide - and we can all understand that highest regard is not given to the survivors.

So when the car crashed, what he wasn't prepared for is that *I* would be the one to lose both my legs. Not just that that could happen. Of course anyone could reason out such as a potential outcome. What he wasn't prepared for - what none of us were prepared for - is just exactly how LIFE changing that would be. It's one thing to try to imagine it. It's another thing to actually have to experience it and then learn how to live with those changes.

Though profoundly unsatisfying, the "I didn't know how much..." is actually quite true. Yes, perhaps they really didn't even think about it - and certainly not to the degree that could have resulted in different choices. But there really is a shock in the aftermath - even we BSs are having a hard time not just processing it and adjusting, but also understanding our own dismay at how all encompassing it is. This ignorance/lack of foresight is both Life's gift and her curse.

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 5:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

They did what they did, ignored everything else, knowing full well, their betrayed spouse would be devastated, their marriages compromised once they get/got caught.

Exactly.

A lot of the time, this is even a discussion point with the AP or someone else that knew about the A. "My spouse will leave me if I get caught...please don't say anything..."

To me, this is evidence that there was no ignorance on the WS's part. Any WS that hid their affair KNEW on some level that their BS would be upset/angry/hurt.

Perhaps they didn't realize how encompassing the hurt would be, how huge the fallout would be, or how long the pain would last for. To me, that is almost worse though. They all knew we would be at least a little bit hurt, decided that what they were doing was worth it, and did it anyway. That's like saying, "Oh, so sorry I cut your legs off. I didn't realize the machete would chop off both your legs completely off- all I meant to do was cut them."


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

PrideFallen-

This:

For me, the statement that ďI had no ideaĒ wasnít quite true. Obviously, I had an idea. I didnít focus on it, though; I didnít really give it consideration. The degree of selfishness involved was staggering, and Iím still processing just how I got to that point and that it was really me. The result was that I didnít, in fact, grasp the depth of the pain, but that was due to my living in selfish la-la land and not exploring what my BW might feel.

Is probably very close to how my WH was. For most of his A I think he barely thought about me at all never mind how much it would hurt me. Whenever he thought about the possibility of me finding out, he would shut it off. He felt so good he didn't let any negative thoughts in never mind think about them long enough to let if affect him.

Thank you for posting.

For me I think getting over the how selfish he was and that he didn't think about me is the biggest hurdle.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

A lot of the time, this is even a discussion point with the AP or someone else that knew about the A. "My spouse will leave me if I get caught...please don't say anything

My husband called the OW from someone else's phone and said "Please help me save my marriage by lying to my wife about us". How dumb. Lying got him in this mess, why he thought more lying would save it or why he would use the very woman that he was lying about to "save" our marriage I will understand.


Posts: 708 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 43