SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: New to this site and in need of advice and support.
metalgoddess41
New Member
Member # 42142
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I found out last week that my live in boyfriend had been surfing the internet and checking out Craigslist ads for casual encounters and talking to people in live chat rooms. He was in two bad car accidents a little over a year ago right before we met. He has not had real medical treatment and will be pursuing that again. So last week I checked the internet history as I've done before because I was curious of what he is up to when I'm at work. I discovered he had been looking at porn and then noticed he had been looking on craigslist and the I noticed he had emails with the subject title of such that had to do with sexual stuff. I was devistated and immediately confronted him and he said he wanted to explain, I let him talk and he said he is bored during the day and wanted some entertainment. He has lots if back and nerve pain so he is in pain all the time and extremely depressed. Long story long he is going to seek thereapy for his dark sexual issues that stem from a tramatic childhood exp. as I told him after I kicked him out for the night in order for us to have a healthy relationship he needs to better himself. I have only been supportive, loving and encouraging and positive. I support him financially and for him to do this to me is a kick to the gut for all my kindness and compassion. I know he loves me and feels bad and knows it was wrong. He has many demons to face and I know this happened for a reason because he does need mental help. I need to know how to work through all the emotions I feel for being betrayed with my trust as I've never dealt with anything like this before. Thank you for any support or guidance yo may have to offer.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
EB1541
Member
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Hello. First off I commend you for standing your ground and telling him he needs to better himself. I am also new to this site and my husband did similar to what your boyfriend did, but just through texts and he meet Up with them. I wish I had the strength to leave him or even kick him out for a day like you did. I am here for support. And no of us are alone in this struggle.


D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Welcome. I''m glad that you found us for support, even though I know that you wish that you didn''t have the reason to come looking for us.

Please first off, look in the upper left corner at the yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading it. It''s full of good information that was written by people who have walked your path and have BTDT. Knowledge is power so use this opportunity to use our experience for your benefit. In the first 1-3 pages of this forum are several posts that have bulls-eyes next to them. Click on them and read the initial page. Also good knowledge for you and they are frequently bumped up to the first pages so that all new people can get their benefit.

You did a good think in immediately kicking him out and insisting that he get IC (individual counseling) if there was to be a hope for the two of you. That was a strength move on your part and hopefully will shock him out of his self-indulgent fog into awareness of what he is throwing away. It also gives you a chance to think of what YOU need. Right now, your emotions are probably all over the place. Love, hate, regret, rage, sorrow, bewilderment, anger, disgust, ... all of these emotions are probably cruising through your body and mind, sometimes within seconds of each other. This is normal. We call this the rollercoaster. You didn''t ask to get on it you were strapped on it against your will and you will likely ride it''s ups and downs for a long time. You are NOT going crazy, even though you may think so. This is your body and mind reacting to the trauma that your WBF has put you through. And make no mistake. You are going through trauma that is equal to his physical pain and suffering. Also, make no mistake, that he chose to do what he did. He had plenty of options. The internet has TED talks, motorcycle racing forums, cat videos, and all other kinds of places to go where you can be distracted from your life. All you have to do is choose to search for those places and click your mouse. All healthy choices. But he made the DECISION to search for sex sites. He CHOSE to do so, knowing that it would hurt you. And each and every time he went to a new site, it was a new CHOICE, DECISION to do so. Not a mistake oops, look where the mouse took me! It was all on him, his choice, his decision. You own none of this. This is ALL on him.

Come back often for support. We''re all here for you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4585 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
metalgoddess41
New Member
Member # 42142
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Thank you so much to you both for responding. I am glad to have found this site even though it's not under great circumstances. I'm trying to work through all the emotions and hurt. I am a strong woman and this happening makes me question myself. I am aware he had made these poor choices so he could get attention and validation and even escape. It just saddens me because I tell him and show him all the time how much he means to me and the fact he did this was crushing to my heart. I will chk out the library of resources to help me work through all this pain my heart feels. We did have a great weekend and did do some talking. We do communicate a lot as he is a big communicator so that is another thing why he chose to do this baffled me.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jan 2014
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I'm sorry you're hurting, but glad you found us!

You're doing things right already by insisting that he confront his issues and deal with them. Make sure he is doing that before you make any long-term decisions. I admire your compassion for him. Just be sure that he gets himself "healthy" so you can move forward in your life with confidence should you choose to remain together. Please don't tie yourself to someone who will drag you into his nightmare!

There are so many great people on this site -- I hope some more will come along that may have more experience with your type of situation than I do. Wishing you strength and peace.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 633 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Topic Posts: 5