Just Found Out
User Topic: Is this common?
Member # 41281
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My wife tells me that in the beginning stages of her A she would text her AP pics of her. Almost all of them were nudes. She told me the comments he would give her every time she sent a pic made her feel sexy, excited, wanted, etc. That was what she became addicted to...that high from having someone new tell her exactly what she wanted/needed to hear. She told me at the same time she did not feel good enough for me, she did not deserve me. She did not believe the things I would tell her because I was her husband and HAD to say those things. 
My question is is this a line of BS or is this somewhat common in As?
Of course the A progressed to a PA. It lasted almost 18 months and it ended when she confessed to both me and her APs wife. 

ME: Madhatter 57
(DDay for her A Oct 2013)
HER: Madhatter 37
(DDay for my A May 2009)

We have been together since 2003
We have 4 children

Posts: 76 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Az
New Member
Member # 40817
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Who knows for sure. What I've learned is that when my WW's lips are moving, she's lying. But assuming yours is telling the truth, she's saying she didn't cheat because of YOU, she cheated because of HER. Whether they admit it or not, I believe that's the case 100% of the time. You could be the nicest guy in the world, or the world's biggest prick. It's irrelevant. People cheat as a personal choice. It happens in great marriages, bad marriages, and in in-between marriages. When opportunity meets desire, an affair will happen.

I meant it when I said for richer and for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others until death do we part.

Me: BH, 46
Her: WW, 43
Married 2005
DD1: 8/18/2013
DD2: 11/22/2013

Posts: 32 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NJ
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Yes, its common. Its the affair high.

Its why they think they lurve their affair partner.

Why did she send nude pics and think that getting validation from some stranger was exciting? Who knows.

Posts: 787 | Registered: Sep 2010
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, January 20th (Monday)

That's exactly what my WH has said. He liked the attention he was receiving from her and that it was a high for him.
I wasn't giving him enough attention at home with all the real life stuff (kids, work etc.)

Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, January 20th (Monday)

She did not believe the things I would tell her because I was her husband and HAD to say those things.

I got some variation of this.

Step back and see what this is really saying: "I don't value your opinion." "I think you're a liar." "I'd rather get validation from strangers."

Good on her for ending it the way she did, and for telling you the painful truth.

My recommendations to all newbies:
Drink water, read the Healing Library, get counseling. Individual (IC) for yourself, and if you choose to offer the gift of R, MC for the both of you. But first, your WS needs IC to get her head on straight.

Good luck!

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5182 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I'm the bs so I can't comment about the wayward part but I've felt and said and thought the same to my husband even before dday. He had to say I was beautiful or looked nice because he was my husband. It is something I'm working on because it has to do with my own feelings of self worthlessness.

Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Totally agree with newme123. That's me in a nutshell too.

But I've heard that the scenario describe is very common WS thinking. The BS's compliments somehow don't carry the same weight as some outsider who isn't "obligated" to say nice things to you.

I know... It's enough to make you crazy. Maybe we should all just stop trying to understand what goes on in the mind of a WS. I've pondered for a year already.... I wonder if I'm getting anywhere....

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 38172
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, January 20th (Monday)

My WW also sent nudes to her affair partner. That is how I caught on. I came home one day unexpectedly for lunch and she had her hair and make up done but couldn't give me a reason why. I snooped and found the nudes on her private email. I think it's all about validation - the emotional high of being desired by another. It may also be about keeping the AP hooked. My WW's POS was in his 20's and ten years younger.

[This message edited by hardtotake at 11:32 PM, January 20th (Monday)]

Me: BS
Her: WS
Married 13 yrs., together 17.
D-Day #1: 1/2006 (EA)
D-Day #2: 1/2013 (PA/EA)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: DFW
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 11:51 PM, January 20th (Monday)

Are you sure we're not married to the same woman? My wife's story word for word.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 617 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Topic Posts: 9