SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
General
User Topic: My babies graves
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 20th (Monday)

I am triggering big time today. 23 years ago my ex-H and I experienced a great loss in that our twin boys were still-born late into my pregnancy. Anyone who has been through this will appreciate the trauma of it. Anyway, yesterday was my ex MIL's funeral to which I went. After the service, rather than go to the tea and ginger biscuit ritual that usually takes place, I quietly took myself off to visit my babies grave which just happens to be at the same memorial park where my MIL's funeral took place. I put some flowers and a little note on the grave. Later that evening my DD15 tells me "Oh by the way, Dad took us to visit the twins grave today with OW2"

My God I nearly hyperventilated.

Just after D-Day I remember writing a letter to OW2 describing the events that had occurred in my marriage and in particular this deeply personal tragedy and how it had shaped me as a woman. She couldn't have cared less then obviously and now there she is standing next to my babies graves along with Sir Shagalot. I could get hold of him and wring his bloody neck. How can he not realize how sacred that place is for me? To bring her into that space and for her to stand there casually along with my kids.

I could do some serious damage today. Help me get some perspective on this someone.....PLEASE!

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

How awful. You know, some people have no shame. Nothing is sacred. I'm appalled and devastated for you.

Know that your relationship with your angels has nothing to do with her. She has no connection to them whatsoever. Your time there in meditation and mourning is sacred and she cannot touch that. Ever.

Don't let her presence have any meaning and it won't. It's a hurtful, shameful show that they're putting on but you are better and stronger than this.

(((Ellejay)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17860 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

((((ellejay))))

I am so sorry. I have a good friend that experienced such a loss and it is tragic. I'm so sorry your XH is such a jerk and isn't able to realize how inappropriate and insensitive that was. Aaaaarrrrgghh.

No offense to all the remorseful struggling WS on this site -- you are the exception. But some WS just never seem to be able to fully extricate their heads from their behinds. It's just astonishing. Hopefully that doesn't offend anyone on this site -- the type of WS I'm talking about don't bother reading here.

I have no words of advice. Wish I did. Not to promote alcohol as a solution to any of this, but there are some days that just do call for a glass of wine and a box of tissue.

So sorry!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

"Oh by the way, Dad took us to visit the twins grave today with OW2"

I could just SPIT NAILS at her shoes!!!! And as for XH - WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!

Clueless does not even BEGIN to describe these two.

I would make DAMN SURE he NEVER even THINKS of going there again. E.V.E.R. My knee would be impaled in his groin.

I'm so so sorry ((((Ellejay))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2611 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Oh Ellejay. This is awful. The insensitivity of both your ex-WH and OW is beyond the pale. I am so very sorry, both for your pain in losing your babies and for that which your ex has just caused you. And after you had shown such love and respect for his late mother, too, by attending her funeral, despite the presence of OW2.

{{Ellejay}}

[This message edited by Cally60 at 2:18 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 2116 | Registered: Mar 2009
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My God, some people have no decency. I wish I could kick both of them in the ass for you. It's sacred ground, period!!

When my nephew passed away, the ow that my BIL cheated with on my sister, had the balls to show up at the funeral.. It had been years since the A but I know she was just being nosy. I didn't see her there but was told by a friend. I sent her an email that told her what a cold hearted piece of shit she was. It's an unwritten rule, a grieving mother / father should NEVER have to deal with a situation like this.

I am beyond sorry you are having to deal with this disrespect and callousness.
((Ellejay))


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5135 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Heartbroken2013
Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I am in tears for you!

How DARE he!

That is awful and I can feel your pain.

I havnt got any words of wisdom, any advise, just hugs im afraid ((((((Ellejay))))))

And the fact that he is a prick!

Im so sorry, thinking of you today Xxx


Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
nolight
Member
Member # 32785
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Mother is love, they are your babies, you carried them, loved them and sadly mourned them she is nothing, and will always be nothing. Plus your ex is a cruel, insensitive jerk who does not deserve you.

Posts: 516 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hawaii
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I know he has every right to visit the grave because they were his babies too but really.....why didn't he suggest she go powder her chin or something while he and the kids went by themselves. I know men are wired differently to women but surely he should realize that this is sacred ground.

Every part of our house was violated including my bed with his sordid affair with OW1 (my neighbor and best "friend") and he would have had OW2 in the same bed with the two of them if I hadn't discovered it all. This is the one thing left that is just between him and I and our kids.

The thing is he didn't do it to upset me, I realize that, nor would that idiot OW2 have seen anything inappropriate in it. They just don't THINK. He is stupid rather than callous, in fact he is so dense it is to be pitied.

Thank you for your support. I have calmed down tonight but still upset.

Love to you all

Ellejay xxx


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Absolutely disgraceful.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1049 | Registered: Mar 2012
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((((Ellejay)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

((((Ellejay))) I have no words.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I've been here long enough that very few things shock me. This made my mouth drop open. I am horrified for you.

How dare he bring her there.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7694 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I have chills now. How do they do that? Ignorance? Selfishness? No soul? What a disgrace. Good grief. I want send them a scathing email to enlighten them on how to behave on this earth. They have no conscience and no brains above their waist. Your children have no business being around such nasty examples, even if he is their father. I am so sorry they soiled such a sacred space.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 3:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((Ellejay)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
BeHappyAgain
Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

:( Gigantic hugs to you.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013
Aussiescot
New Member
Member # 39265
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((Ellejay)))
Truly disgraceful!
My heart is breaking for you!
There is just no limitation to the trauma these selfish people cause!

May your beautiful little Angels rest in peace xox


BS
4 DD's
DD 2012
New life started march 2014, false R! Still on the rollercoaster but will ride it out until the end.....because that's just how I roll

Posts: 48 | Registered: May 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((Ellejay)))

I am so sorry for your pain. Especially sorry he continues to act selfishly.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Ellejay,

His lack of thinking skills knows no bounds. I am sorry you feel your sacred place has been invaded by her. I hope you can reclaim it another time. You deserve to visit your beautiful babies without feeling violated.

My stillborn son would be 24 this week. If XH has taken OW/NW to his grave I do not know and I prefer not to know.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

((((Kajem)))


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((Ellejay)))

Reading this made me feel physically sick. What a senseless, thoughtless act. How dare he!!!

I am so sorry. I wish she'd been struck by lightning for standing there.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
still2suspicious
Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I have to agree, what a stupid idiot! How the hell could he think that your sacred place would mean anything to skank??

I am truly sorry for your loss. Those babies are looking down, from above, and know who they love, and loves them. No doubt about it.

(((ellejay)))


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1304 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I want to say something to him without becoming hysterical. I need to be calm as he will not hear it otherwise. Just not sure how to put it in words so he will understand how that made me feel and how he should NEVER take her there again no matter what.


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

How about, if you ever take your whore to MY angel babies grave again, I will pull your balls out through your throat and feed them, with you still attached, to the nearest fleabitten cat!

I''ll hold the SOB for you!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4943 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Skan - that's a wonderful image, thank you

I almost rang OW2 today I had worked myself up into such a state about this but I've decided to sleep on it for another day at least. My son's wedding is this coming Sunday so I am trying to maintain some sort of dignity until then.

Ellejay


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry.
(((((hugs)))))))


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
JellyGirl84
Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I am so angry for you. That is disgusting. Just know this: neither the OW nor your horrible XWH can ever get into the space in your heart nor the parts of your memory where your babies stay. THAT is sacred, too and can only be visited by YOU.

God sees all, he saw that and you've been heard.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
why2008
Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I am so sorry you lost your twins late in term. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through right now.

While I fully appreciate how desecrated you feel with the skank there, please try to focus on the fact that he brought your children to the graves of their siblings and that is really what is important.

I'd be just as upset as you are, but often we give OW too much importance after they have destroyed our lives.

Your twins in heaven and your children on earth are all that are important.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Why2008

Yes you are right, I am giving OW2 far too much headspace. Also, now that I have had a couple of days to mull it over, I think it is important that she sees the history we have between us and that fact that he still grieves the babies he would have had with me. I just don't think he should have taken her there and his inability to think beyond the immediate just drives me nuts. I just wish I didn't have to deal with him at all.

EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
why2008
Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I think it is important that she sees the history we have between us
This is why you can't give her headspace, if YOU were in her place in a similar situation with someone you were dating. that is what YOU would think... what does she think, who knows and who cares, if she had a brain she would not be an OW.

and that fact that he still grieves the babies he would have had with me.

I think that is what is so painful for you, this grief that you share over such a painful time in your lives.... to have someone distasteful invade that space.

One of my oldest friends lost twins late term over 20 years ago, we still talk about them and my thoughts are going to be with you today.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

(((Ellejay)))

I am so sorry that your XWH took OW2 where she doesn't belong. I have no words that can take away that pain. I just hope she realized that there is a part of XWH that she will NEVER have...his past with his precious children and what was his precious family before she and OW1 destroyed it. That belongs to you and only you, and it is not dirty, ugly and tainted like their life together is!

I'm probably not saying this as clearly as I'm trying to, but know that I am sending lots of hugs your way and keeping you and your beautiful twins in my thoughts.

I'm so sorry he added unnecessary pain to an already difficult time for you.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Sorry...double post.

[This message edited by Raven96 at 8:18 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 32