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Reconciliation
User Topic: Questions
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

We are 14 months outs since my BH found out I have cheated, On a day to day we seem to be doing fine. If that's even a description.

My concern is we may be falling into old patterns. My Bh has worked away for 17 out of the 18 years we have been together. So when he is home, we have never really had much conflict or try not too. Which has lead to a lot of unsaid feeling hurts and resentments on both sides. When he's away at work he doesn't want to hear the tough stuff the hard discussions . Which I can't blame him for that , I know how I feel when we've had a hard discussion, and can't see his face or be near him. And he has said much as well.

We are falling back into this. And yesterday proved it again. He got angry , we had a discussion over a death of my AP's XWW father , who was our family friend, (see fallout in Wayward forum) Saying he was pissed at me and once again it was a reminder of what I had done. I agreed, and I apologized for that and that once again my affair has a fallout and people have payed that shouldn't have too. what was surprising is when we talked in the evening, he talked as though nothing happened. He doesn't want to, he has never wanted to talk about anything negative , even before Dday.

What do I do, this should have been brought up, I should have said something to him earlier about the death. But he doesn't want anything to remind him:-( And when we have discussion on things I am learning in Ic he gets mad, cause its a reminder, anything its a reminder?

So that leads me to another question, What do you do with the pre-A stuff.?

When does it come into play? When is okay to talk about it. Because part of the Pre-A marriage issues are still prevelant today?

At the same time, I am able to see how I took them before and fueled my resentment and allow myself to use them to help justify my own wayward thought process. Now I see them as unhealthy communication and coping skills. And I want to do things different. The problem is he sees them as blaming still, and there is nothing you can do about the past but move on. My question is how do you learn if you don't see your mistakes and how it might have been better to try xyz....

Now that I am learning and working on myself, there has been a lot of eye opening situations and thoughts, and I see where my coping skills and thought processes really caused havoc on my family my BH and me.

Part of the problem is my fear of setting him off. He has said to me if you want to chance bringing something up go ahead. Which is a veiled threat. HE doesn't want to be reminded, but how are we to move forward if it can't be discussed? or everyday communications not be discussed , or feelings of how to build again, ?

I am suppose to keep working on my self and keep growing and living the way I want, its just hard.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It sucks, but just like a WS healing is their own, a BS healing is their own as well, including the decision to NOT heal. All you can do is get yourself to a healthy place, make sure that you're safe partner, and (I guess) hope that he does the same. He sounds like he's still angry, so maybe he's not ready to deal with pre-A stuff yet.

Maybe he never will be.

Maybe he liked the pre-A marriage just fine on his end?

I think that eventually the remorseful WS reaches a point where they have to realize that they've 'fixed' some of their shitty decision-making mechanisms and reached a healthy place, and has to step back and re-examine the marriage with a new set of eyes. Maybe you'll still see things that you don't like, but can live with, or maybe you'll see a situation that is tenable.


"The thing that always seems to be shocking to wayward wives is the simple fact that the man you choose to reconcile with is not the same man you cheated on." - a friend.

Posts: 1945 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

To me, R is a process of building and living the M you both want.

IC can help you change many things about you, even your process for handling resentment. The thing is, the best way to avoid resentment is to bring issues up as they occur, not bury them, and it sounds like your H doesn't do that.

OTOH, bringing up an issue that's happening right now, seems legitimate to me - even if the same issue occurred repeatedly pre-A, if it's happening now, it's not an old issue, as long as you make clear you want to continue to work on A issues, too. (I hope I'm being clear on this. )

I think you've got a communications problem, and MC is the first thing that comes to mind to change your communications dynamics. Is that possible?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Can you have the conversations about the here and now of your relationship? In other words, don't frame in the context of "we're doing this now, like we used to do before the A". Attempt to create a dialogue about the how to have the best possible communication and relationship in the present day?


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Face punched
Yes he liked the pre A I handled everything at home and he had no worries made it easier for him to go to work(he works away from home). He worried about about making enough money and making sure our home was good and I had everything I needed or talked about.

Hence part of the communication breakdown. We never discussed our worries, and when they were brought up they were dismissed.

And yes , in getting healthier , I am finding and understanding what my needs actually are and IC has said the same. That in getting healthy a person may find things are not acceptable or unable to live with :-(

Sisoon

MC is not an option, he cannot see that it could possibly help him, he says he knows what he has to do and he can figure it out on his own. Our first councellor we went to made him mad. Because he thought he was judging him. I've gotten rid of that C as he was to focused on my BH attending then on working with me. Have since found a new IC who is good, have made further progress in the last 3 months than the 7 before. She would like for my BH to attend but does not think its a requirement.

Warpspeed,

This is where I think I have to face up to my fear of making him feel bad and being a reminder.
And just work on todays problem as it comes up.

Thanks for the responses.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

When things come up, I am thinking I should journal them and bring them up the next time he is home.

As he finds it very hard to concentrate at work when he is mad .

What is your opinions?


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

So he has been away alot. Was this because he was providing for his family the best way he knew how?

Did you enter into a marriage with this man knowing his work situation? Has he cheated on you, or just worked and provided?

Easy is easy. Hard calls for commitment. Did you commit? Did he? Did HE honor his commitment? Did YOU?

If this man, your husband has been a faithful and good provider, when does he get his due?


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I appreciate your response, Just great news,

Yes I married myBH knowing he was going to be working away,and yes he did it to provide for our family and me and him. Without getting into more details there , There had been some resentments there , now saying please realize I am not blaming him for my decision to cheat, nor am I giving him grief for working atthis point and time. We both have come to realize it has been both our lifestyles that has made it this way.

What my issue is , lack of communication. We are both passive aggressive when dealing with each other and negative thoughts or feelings. He doesn't want to to express and either do I, This has been since forever.

Its because we only get a few days a month where he has been home, So neither of us rock the boat. So many "issues" anger , dissappointments, fears happiness, love, has not been expressed on either side.

WE are falling back into that.

So I was asking about what others think I should do about that.

I'm sorry if you thought I was cutting my BH down.

This is a problem with or without infidelity involved. for any relationship.

And by me getting healthy and paying attention to what I actually feel and not what I "should" feel. I know it will be a problem unless we talk.

And I do understand he may not be ready, but as the above stated talking about the here and now. That's a now thing not before.

The other part is I don't want to go back to my old ways of stuffing. That is not a safe or healthy thing to do. And it will not be a healthy thing for my BH and I to reconcile. IT would be false.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

It looks like your thoughts are very similar to mine and WarpSpeed's - you've got to bring up your issues or stuff 'em, and stuffing 'em hurts both of you (and probably everyone around you, too.)

One suggestion I'd add is to wrap whatever your H's primary love language is around the issues. Sort of

'I love being with you - this issue is bothering me now. Can we talk about it? BTW, I'm so glad I'm here with you.'

If he says 'No', I'd say wait and try again. If he continues to say 'No', then maybe change to something like

'I love being with you - I'm sure we can figure out how to solve problems together. Can we talk about it? BTW, I'm so glad I'm here with you.'

I expect this is scary for you and probably for him, too, but the alternative is worse....


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 9