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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: The End of The End
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
DOH!  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Today is the two-year antiversary of the DDay that ended my marriage. I'd had plenty of DDays prior, but this is the one that did it for me. I've been doing some typing of how The End of my marriage arrived. I wanted to share it here with you. Don't worry, the names have been changed.

I don’t remember what I felt as I looked at the pictures of my husband’s dick in another woman’s mouth. Or maybe I remember everything. I remember that it was a grey, drizzly day in January. So there was a feeling of cold, some damp on my legs as the small breeze blew a few droplets of rain in through the open truck door. My cheeks were cold from the breeze & dampness. I knew my hair was a little damp. I remember, though, that I was strangely not freaking out as I flipped through the stack of Polaroids I’d just found hidden behind the fold-down seat-back in my husband’s truck. My thoughts were racing. Why did he have these pictures here? Had my children seen them? Were these pictures recent? Who was this woman? There was no question it was my husband’s dick. A wife knows what her husband’s dick looks like. Or at least I did, considering how many times I’d given my husband head, the only kind of sex he ever wanted from me. So there I sat, or was I crouching, on that cold January afternoon, looking at picture after picture of my husband’s dick in another woman’s mouth. My heart was pounding, my breath was coming in short gasps, but I was conscious of no rage. No betrayal. No emotion. All I felt, all I knew, was that I was done. Just done.

January 21, 2012, is the day I knew I was done with my marriage. I knew. People talk about when they knew something, through and through, with utter conviction. You meet someone and know that you’re going to marry them. You walk into a house and know you’re going to buy it. You see that car coming towards you on the road and know you’re going to crash. Time slows down. You see the situation from a slight distance removed from your physical self. You become an observer, if only for a moment, of your life as it unfolds. “This is happening”, you think to yourself. “This is happening”, you say to convince yourself that This Is Real.

Wives of sex addicts spend a lot of time trying to determine What Is Real. Being the wife of a sex addict is like a constant living and reliving of the scene from The Matrix in which Neo is given the choice to know what is real, and then learns that what he once knew is not real, that he’s living a drastically different life than the one he thought he was living. That was me. Time after time I’d discover something about my husband that was sordid, something perverse, and I’d find myself melting into white-hot pain and despair that would dissolve my soul, pouring me into another reality of shame, humiliation and desperation. Over and over I would reconstruct a reality for myself, sweeping under the rug The Truth, refusing to face What Was Real, making a spectacular Sisyphean effort yet again to make everything okay. To accept the unacceptable. To live the unlivable. To convince myself that What Was Real was not real.

How did I get here? How did I reach a point in my life where it was even possible to be holding a large stack of Polaroids of another woman sucking on my husband’s dick? How did I reach a level of emotional death so pervasive that I could look at these pictures and feel no betrayal?

I realized in that moment that I’d been on Lao-Tzu’s proverbial journey of a thousand miles. That I’d reached this moment one step at a time. I realized in that moment that my journey to this point was over, I had arrived at my destination, this was always where I was going to have ended up, sitting in the cab of a pick-up truck on a cold, drizzly winter day, flipping through pictures of another woman sucking on my husband’s dick. And I knew that I was instantly on another journey of another thousand miles. A journey away from my husband, away from his sex addiction, away from his abuse and hostility and cruelty. A journey towards freedom. A journey towards hope.

I had to take that step. That first step towards a new destination. A destination I didn’t know, to The Land Of Not Knowing. I had to go there. I had to run like hell to get there.

I clearly remember talking to myself in my head. “What do I do?”

I was confused. What is a wife & mother supposed to do in this circumstance? There is no chapter in any Miss Manners book of etiquette on handling pornographic pictures that feature your husband.

“Take these pictures into the house right now. You gotta call Sarah.”

“Do I tell him I found these pictures? Do I confront him? What do I do?”

“Close the truck door, lock it, go in the house, call Sarah.”

I found myself on autopilot. I would stuff the pictures in my coat pocket. I would close the truck door. I would lock it. I would go in the house, closing the garage door behind me. Kevin wouldn’t know I’d been in the truck. Everything would look the same as when he’d left with the children an hour or so earlier. I would call Sarah, my trusted counselor, and pray she’d pick up the phone even though it was a Saturday. If anyone could talk me through this moment it would be Sarah.

How did I get here? Where did the journey begin that led me inexorably to this moment?

I had lots of other DDays during the divorce process. I've often thought that maybe, since they occurred after the divorce was underway, maybe I shouldn't call them DDays. Maybe I should call them WTF Days. Certainly they caused me and others here to exclaim WTF as I pondered what I'd found and what it meant.

I dunno. I'm feeling very deep & philosophical today. When I look back at where/how I was two years ago, I marvel at the progress I've made. I'm thinking of joining a writing group here in my area to put some of my experiences & thoughts, like the ones above, into a book format. I helped get a support group going in the community to be a resource for people going through Hard Times. I sing for my church now. I've survived a brutal divorce. I feel like I've been refined. I'm the New Creation. I just don't know what to do with myself now.

Anyways, there are lots of new folks here in the D/S forum, and you don't know my story. So I thought I'd share this little bit. I once was broken & low, as you are now. I was weak & crumbly. I was essentially dead. I was a ghost. I had no hope, no dreams, my future was robbed from me and I was scared to death of my husband. I certainly didn't know WTF I was going to do. I'm still figuring out that part.

I survived it. We all can survive it. We have been given a tremendous gift, the opportunity for renewal. A second chance. A do-over. We have to embrace our destruction and move through it. There is life on the other side of this hellfire called divorce. Life, laughter, joy. My family? It isn't broken. It was broken, but it does not remain broken. I have a new family now with just my kids, and we are solid. I have learned to surrender to the ebb & flow of life (please remind me of this statement when I rail against in in the future, though! LOL).

My end was my beginning. My divorce was the beginning of a new life. I am so grateful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Woooo Hoooo NG, Free At Last!!!!!

You are such an inspiration to so many here, I'm so proud of your journey and how open you are to sharing it!

((((NG and Nature kids))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2614 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

So much strength and beauty (yes, beauty!) in what you wrote, NG. You have indeed walked a journey of a thousand miles.
My family? It isn't broken. It was broken, but it does not remain broken. I have a new family now with just my kids, and we are solid.
LOVE this.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((NG)))

Has it only been two years? wow... Just imagine where you will be in two more. Twice as far, twice as strong, twice as detached.

You are a survivor!! an amazing brilliant survivor. I cannot wait until you define yourself less by what happened TO you and what you have done since as YOU.

Your writing is very good. It is so bluntly honest that at times I flinched, but I think that is right. I also heard playing the Talking Heads "Once in a Lifetime" so if you ever get it done as a screenplay, perhaps that song can be playing??

(((hugs))) be easy today. Antiverseries are weirdly difficult sometimes.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks NG for sharing and being so encouraging. Today is a day I needed to read a survival story. It's one of those days. And you will be (are) a great writer!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)

NG you are a survivor. I have no doubt that you will make an indelible mark on this world. I for one am privileged to have witnessed part of your journey to the newer stronger, more determined NG.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 868 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Caregiver, I reread that passage while listening to that song. Awesome!

Everyone, I would NOT be where I am today without you. Wouldn't be possible. As the abused wife of a sex addict I'd become so isolated. I'd become the cliché abused wife, alone & fearful. I am so thankful that I reached out here at SI and found the courage to spill my guts and ask for help. I am so grateful to the founders of this website.

I will not be an island ever again.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think you are amazing, NG.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7696 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Awesome!!!!!!

Just f**king awesome NG, just like you are.

Keep writing, I see a book in your future "If the Garage Could Talk"


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Mom4ever
Member
Member # 40516
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(NG), you are an inspiration. You are so brave and strong. Your story gives hope to a future that is bright. I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing.


BW - me 43
WH - 46
M - 23 yrs
D-Day - 6/13/2013
2 DS and 1 DD
Divorcing
There are some things that "sorry" just doesn't fix... But I never even got a "sorry."

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southeast
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

"Being the wife of a sex addict is like a constant living and reliving of the scene from The Matrix in which Neo is given the choice to know what is real, and then learns that what he once knew is not real, that he’s living a drastically different life than the one he thought he was living. That was me."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ1_IbFFbzA

"Time after time I’d discover something about my husband that was sordid, something perverse, and I’d find myself melting into white-hot pain and despair that would dissolve my soul, pouring me into another reality of shame, humiliation and desperation."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8eKxVCFoUk

"Over and over I would reconstruct a reality for myself, sweeping under the rug The Truth, refusing to face What Was Real, making a spectacular Sisyphean effort yet again to make everything okay. To accept the unacceptable. To live the unlivable. To convince myself that What Was Real was not real."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKpFFD7aX3c

I am finally awake. I made my choice. I have survived my choice. There may be another wife of a sex addict reading this post. Have courage, Sister.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

NG,

There is no doubt that you are a trauma survivor. I think all of us must be, but when I read your words, I can feel the shock and horror.

Thank you for being a light to so many of us that are navigating our way in the dark. Thank you for being open and sharing what you've been through, where you've been, and where you are going. It's inspiring.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

As a fellow member of the class of 2011, I applaud your path to healing and thank you for helping me with mine!


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
jackie89
Member
Member # 38271
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My family? It isn't broken. It was broken, but it does not remain broken.

I love that!!! So true!

Awesome post NG!


Separated/divorcing

"The Secret of Change is to focus all your energy - not on fighting the old, but on building the new" ~~Lori Greiner FB post~~


Posts: 510 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
BeHappyAgain
Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you so much for this post. As a wife of a SA, it is awfully hard to see that you can possibly find happiness in the future.....I guess that goes for all of us really. I'm weeping now......but I needed a good cry anyways. Lol it really is amazing what these people do to their spouses. Just two nights ago I found conversations about all of the oral sex my WH has received (that he to this day says has never happened). I feel nothing. Like it is normal for some strange reason and I should just be a good wife and accept that these things happen in marriages.

Sorry I'm rambling now. Thanks again for the post - it really hit home for me. So happy that you are in a happier place now!


Posts: 110 | Registered: Nov 2013
Dobegirl
Member
Member # 41837
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

So effing happy for youuu!!
NG you are truely an inspiration. I hope to be where you are soon.
Thank you for this!!


Me- BS 44 Always faithfull
Him- WS 44
2 mo. EA/PA with 25 yr. old slut that stroked his ego, online profiles, CL ads
Married 8 years-No kids together
DDay-11/21/12
False R many different times fromJan/13 till Dec/13
Divorcing

Posts: 151 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern Indiana
badmedicine
Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I've only just started reading some of your posts but I'm so thankful to learn from you and have your perspective. What you went through is horrendous but it must be freeing to stand on the other side now. Good for you.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Your doing good and you have come a long way. So proud of you!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Your writing is amazing and so emotionally resonant. You have true talent; keep on going and thank you for sharing your wisdom with this community.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Nature_Girl, you are a talented writer and an inspiring woman. The "refining" can be painful, but look at the phenomenal woman it has turned you into!

Every step away from his mess is a step further into your freedom. I love the mental picture of that.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Starzjourney
Member
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

(((NatureGirl)))

Thank you so much for sharing!!!!!!


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

You are so awesome ... the awesomemostest! A new word created for you. Thank you for sharing so much with all of us here. I have been blessed by your kind words of advice. There is just no stopping to where you are headed!! Continue to move forward and thrive!!


Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
HurtsButImOK
Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:58 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Truly profound.



Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

My family? It isn't broken. It was broken, but it does not remain broken. I have a new family now with just my kids, and we are solid.

^^^^^^^Exactly this!^^^^^^^

Good for you Nature_Girl!!

This is where I am heading and although I am absolutely shattered from single parenting, I know I am on the right path.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Please write a book. Please.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Think of all the money you could make with a book. I'm sure it would be a best seller. Especially with all that garage stuff.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4788 | Registered: Feb 2008
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Okay, I made a little dent in an outline. A few possible chapter titles. Have written a few tidbits in chapters that were in my immediate consciousness. (I have to go with the creative flow, don't ya know!)

Thank of the CRIMES I could solve if a local police detective read the book! All that crap in the garage I found, surely something there is evidence from a crime??? LOL

Any book publishers reading this? I know TV show producers read here...

Of course we know the lawsuit my ex would bring down on me would eat up any profit I made from the book.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Of course we know the lawsuit my ex would bring down on me would eat up any profit I made from the book.

Not if you structure an LLC and use a Pseudonym.

Don't let it slow you down!


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Yes, please write a book.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Thefly559
Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Very emotional, very well written and very strong . Thank you


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 682 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
rainagain
Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I like how you used the word refining rather than redefining. It makes me think of something raw and unnoticed (gem?) That's being polished- like it was always perfect.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Totally write under a pseudonym.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Thank your for your honesty. It gives me hope to see how strong you are, the healing you have experienced. I am 13 months out, still waiting for my mediation date. Still feel a bit in limbo and trying to build a new life for myself. Finding out who I am. Still trying to cut those emotional ties, realizing that I married a man who never existed. Feeling my heart slowly healing, scarred but stronger.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 481 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

You've come a long way baby!

It is encouraging and inspiring to see a fellow 2011 BS making it ok for herself and her kids. Maybe not every minute of every day, but still. I would buy that book. 😊


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Wow. Very well written Nature_Girl. You've had a rough journey but you're going to be just fine.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1741 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 35