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User Topic: About to be sick. Need advice.
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

t's been almost 6 years. It's been great. We've been great. We are empty nesters now and loving it.

Came home after being out on Saturday night. In other words had a few drinks in me or I would have ignored. I had a friend request from a woman I didn't know. I accepted. We had some mutual friends. After I accepted I see her pictures and there is her and other woman (I haven't seen her in 6 years she was my bestfriend) Then I see this person not only requested me but other woman's ex-husband and his new wife.

So I made the mistake of messaging her. The person who friend requested me not other woman and I just said what's up? Do we know one another? I see you requested myself, otherwomans husband and his new wife all at the same time. Did you need something or have something you wanted to tell me.

She read message and ignored. Yes I stupidly went on. I said ok well you look nice and have a beautiful family I don't know why you friend requested me but please be careful if your have brought otherwoman around your family. That's all I said.

So come Sunday morning I unfriend this person and go back to smartly forgetting all this. I'm happy.

Today I get this from ow on facebook.


Umm a friend of mine who is basically an aquataince called me and told me what you said about me be careful about slandering someone and BTW the love and connective ness that we shared you will never have now that's a FACT

I ignored her and she just sent this.


And since you opened this can of worms from the past ask your darling husband the key he cherishes from our beautiful night together at the Virginia House

I'm about to throw up. I think I am about to have a panic attack.

The only good thing that has come from this is I never thought I would love my husband quite as much as I had before the affair. I now realize I do. OMG I stupidly do. I let myself fall totally in love with him again. How stupid can I get? Why? Why would I do that?

.

...


Sent from Mobile


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I think I would have to respond with,"It's not slander if it's true. And..a KEY? LOL! Ok. I have his heart..you have..what? Nothing? LOL"

But then..Im a fucktard(according to one unremorseful WW), so maybe my advice isn't the best.

No, really. Ignore her. Fuck that bitch.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7100 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
unarmbears
Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Please block her. She is trying to get under your skin. If you block her you won't get any messages, see any of her posts on anyone's timeline and will be unable to contact her and best of all she can't contact you without making a new profile.

You will be fine. It's okay to let your guard down and love your husband. Did you tell him about the messages? Copy them and keep them if you didn't.

Don't let her get any more free rent in your head. Block her friend too. It will be freedom for you and that is what you need.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 24 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4891 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
thisissogross
Member
Member # 30294
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

She is deliberately messing with your head and doing her best to upset you. Talk as calmly as you can with your husband and ignore ignore ignore her.


"A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love." -Friedrich Nietzsche

i edit frequently because i have to


Posts: 232 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: southern us
SoVerySadNow
Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

He probably tossed that key into the trash long ago. She's just trying to get at you. It's good you unfriended the joint friend- now block OW. And don't take the bait. She's showing jealousy, IMHO.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1280 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone. UGH deep breaths...why after all this time?

I told my husband Saturday night about the woman who friend requested me. He just thought it was a coincidence since we had mutual friends. I didn't tell him about ow and her messages. I don't want to. What if he gets angry and tries to protect me by calling her. That's probably what she wants. Why now? SIX years later. How can people not move on in six years?

I am so sick. I want so badly to call my husband but I just can't. I can't.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Ok, I understand why you are upset, but please don't let her manipulate you like this. Turn it around in your mind. Her comments are laughable! She is holding on to some ridiculous memory, inflating its importance, just to make herself feel better about her despicable behavior. I would bet that your FHW has no fond memories of their time together--just the opposite. Your reaction should be "Ha, you wish, honey!" You have the upper hand here, don't let her sow doubts in your mind. As I told OW in our situation, the only time I sent her a message "You can live in the fantasy land where you and FWH are soul mates, but you are going to have to live there alone." So is she--you are with him, she is not. She can go suck on that!

All of this should be said in your head or to your FWH or to all of us on SI. Do not engage her. She is not worth your time.

ETA: You asked why after all this time would she contact you. I think she is embarrassed about her friend asking what you might have meant when you warned her about OW. She is just trying to get back at you for your remarks (even though they are totally justified--and not slander, because they are true!).

[This message edited by hopingforhappy at 12:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

First thing....breathe. It sounds like the OW is fishing. Is he up to something? Well, it's possible and I would keep quiet and go into stealth mode. Trust by verify KWIM? But it sounds to me like she is enjoying getting under your skin.

I am confused why this "friend" of hers would friend request this woman's XH and his new wife. If my friend did that I would be pissed! So I wonder if OW has set up a fake FB account under this woman's name and is trying to stir up a mess. Are you in contact with OW's XH? Maybe you could ask him his opinion.

Most definitely you need to block her. I would not respond back because that is what she is wanting you to do. Just block her and the friend, immediately.

Does your H know this happened?


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Ignore the skank. I don't think it was coincidence. I think ow had this person request you just to mess with your head. Does she really think she's so damn special. You should have told her...he dis-connected you..AND THAT'S A FACT.
She's obviously not moved on.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4690 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Feel your feelings....journal about them....do what you do to feel them.....

Your feelings are reminding you of what happened in the past. This fAP is using old facts to try and get you to believe something is presently occurring.

Once you feel those feelings fully....check them against your present facts. See if there is any reason to choose to act on those feelings...many times there won't be.

This is not blakesteele wisdom....it is a very simple, very real, very powerful way to fight anxiety. I picked it up from a therapist while I was seeking help with my anxiety.....which was exactly timed to when my wife started her affair! Big surprise......

Anyway, the healthiest thing a person can do with anxiety is to work it out with this process.

Your feelings are REAL....even though the facts that trigger them now really are true....they are no longer "true in the present"--the facts are no longer "in-play".

By the evidence presented by the fAP (facebook comments) she is stuck in the past....has not grown anywhere from where she was. Those 6 year old facts are still very much "in-play" for her. Just because TIME passes does not mean healing is occurring. You and your husband have made CHOICES over the past TIME period...and have grown back together through those many, many choices. She is attempting to keep you from growing, to doubt your choices and the real results (facts) of those choices....for if you grow (and you have) she will feel like even MORE of a failure.


I see this in my D friends...those that are still jaded and blame their ex's for all of their misery are all to pleased when they detect marital strife in others. Honestly, I kinda saw a bit of this in my own Mom....who was still very much jaded and blamed my Dad for their D. Since my wife and I are choosing to learn to R, my Mom is looking at her own D.....and processing a bit of that now, 30 years later!


Now, you may very well find some things to work on in your M still because of this "feeling vetting" process....but that is nothing to be scared of....that is, I believe, how intimacy and marriages grow. By two healthy people realizing that it is healthy to NOT be happy happy happy.

That is one of the mistakes pre-A blakesteele and Mrs. blakesteele were guilty of too.


Oh...and this is BIG!!!

You might feel like a fool, might feel stupid for allowing yourself to R with your husband. But check the facts....I bet you will disprove those feelings too.

You are not a fool, you are not stupid.....you are growing and maturing in ways some of society would never choose to. Your husbands FORMER AP is among that group.

Post often....we got your back.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

OW in my case reared her ugly head years later too. It's not uncommon. They truly do live in a fantasy world.

"You can live in the fantasy land where you and FWH are soul mates, but you are going to have to live there alone."

I LOVE this!

SIH, I am so sorry that you have had to go back to this dark place this week. Please don't be mad at yourself for falling deeper in love with your H. I'm glad for you both.


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks hoping for happy.

No Brohl it's def not a fake account. I can tell by her friend list kids pics and the picture of her and OW.

I did contact her ex-husband. He had said yes to this woman's friend request at first also because they had some real estate contacts together. He doesn't know her either. We both unfriended her.

I really thought at first since she contacted me, the exh and exh new wife that maybe she was having problems with OW herself. Well I guess not. I hate this...


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you so much Blakesteele. I will try.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I believe in full transparency in marriage; which means were I in your shoes, I would tell my husband. If he is really committed to you and your recovery, he won't break NC.

She's fishing, she's a horrible person. Take it as an opportunity to turn toward your spouse, not away.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6274 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Side note.....from a guy that has worked around law suits in my line of work.....

Slander is false in nature.....what you experienced first hand gives you knowledge of what this person is capable of because FACTUAL ACTIONS that you PERSONALLY OBSERVED.

You did not slander this person.

Even in cases were real slander has occurred, many times the case is lost when the person who is accused of slander reports what they did as their "opinion". Opinions don't need to be factual in nature.

Almost didn't mention it because this fOW is not worth that much time....but I still get angry to think about a person so very willing, so intentional in their actions that I find myself wanting to set them straight.

yeah....i got some more growing to do myself.

Okay.....I have said too much....hang in there.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:54 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I would tell my husband.

Rebreather....so spot on. Sorry I failed to mention this.

My wife has shared some things with me regarding running into fAP around town....not talking or breaking NC, just some odd behaviors (parking locations, timing of getting out of his vehicle in relation to her physical location,etc). It really does provide an opportunity to nurture initimacy.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sadinlex
Member
Member # 32047
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Bitch

After 6 years, and she's still trying to mindfuck you? What does that say about her?


((((smile_it_helps))))

I never thought I would love my husband quite as much as I had before the affair. I now realize I do. OMG I stupidly do. I let myself fall totally in love with him again. How stupid can I get? Why? Why would I do that?

There's nothing stupid there, I think this is beautiful


me - BW him - WH
Together 23 years, Married 21
2 children 14, 11
Dday - 4/11/2011 double betrayal
"After the A, being honest and being a bitch are pretty hard to tell apart." - Ladyogilvy

Posts: 147 | Registered: May 2011
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks. Yes I realize I didn't slander her. It's just that sick feeling you know? The whole double betrayal. Why would she want to hurt me all over again? That's the only thing that gives me pause...

So many things are going through my mind. Does she have hope now that both our kids are in college he will want her? Has she tried to contact him and he didn't respond and didn't tell me so she got angry?

You're right rebreather. I have to wait till he comes home though. It's killing me. He just called to say hi all happy. It was so hard to sound normal...


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
TrulySad
Member
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I believe it's important to talk to your husband about this. You can't live in a truly R marriage, hiding things. And in this case it involves his XAP. Please don't allow her this control again. Have faith in your H, and discuss it. This is his time to prove to you some things.

Also, on a side note... are you aware of a key and a night at the Virginia House? If your H never told you about this, it's obviously something you need clarification on.

I hope you can gain some peace over all this. She sounds like a whack job living in a dead fantasy.


Me: Done with his bullshit and getting stronger day by day

Posts: 420 | Registered: Jun 2013
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Sadinlex I told myself I would never allow him to hurt me again. If I don't fully love I can't hurt. I let my guard down and let him fully back in and didn't even realize it till now when I am feeling the pain, the rapid heartbeat, cant breathe about to be sick again.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I did not R, so I would listen to the advice of those that did R.

Take it as an opportunity to turn toward your spouse, not away.

I like this.


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

No truly sad this is not something I was aware of.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

and she just put this on facebook.

In the blink of an eye,
everything can change.
So forgive often and love with all your heart.
You may never know when you may never not have that chance again.


I know block her. I am not friends with her. Her facebook is private so I never needed to block and I never cared enough to look. I guess she decided to share this publicly.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

. . . . because your lover might go back to his spouse."

See how ridiculous this sounds? Another opportunity to laugh at her patheticness. This quote refers to someone dying, not someone ending an illicit A. She is reaching here and it is truly laughable. Don't be drawn in to her drama. See it for what it really is. She has no power over you (she never did!) and no longer has any power over your FWH. It is just going to make her look pathetic to him as well. Have faith in your relationship now--you worked hard for it. I agree with those who said to tell your FWH about this. He will probably be annoyed, maybe angry. He should be embarrassed that he ever got involved with someone like that. He will not want to break NC.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks hoping for happy.

I can not believe how quickly all those old feelings came rushing back all at once.

I even started to think people are basically good again. Going through something like this makes you feel that all people are just out for themselves that no one is good. I stopped finally being so jaded. I started looking at people as good again. I actually thought this woman who friend requested me may need help. May be hurting.

I guess I'm back to thinking people are bad. Why would someone I don't even know do this for ow? She really looks like a nice person with a happy family. I don't get it.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Who put that on their page? The OW or her friend?


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

smile, of course those feelings come rushing back quickly. You were traumatized by your FWH's A. Trauma has that effect on you.

If I am understanding your story correctly, it could be that this person is just an innocent by-stander who likes to friend people on FB. (I personally don't friend someone that I don't know fairly well, but some people do that). Look at it from her perspective. She friends someone, then gets a message from them asking "hey, do I know you?" She then gets a second message implying something is amiss with someone who is in a picture on her page. At this point she may be wondering what is going on. So she goes to the person (OW) and says "hey, what is this all about?" OW, of course, is not going to want to explain it, but decides to blast you for putting her in an uncomfortable position with her friend. She may have told the friend some crazy story about you (I wouldn't put it past her.) It could certainly be completely innocent on the friend's part, not anything that she did "for" OW.

I would not take it as a life lesson in whether people are good or bad in general. Some people are good and you keep them in your life whenever you can. Some people are bad and you get rid of them ASAP. The trick is seeing the difference, because it is not always immediately clear. Good for you for reaching out, you should not feel bad about that. I am sorry that it turned into an opportunity for OW to take a shot at you. Even if the friend looks nice, she had to go--too much baggage came with her. That's the way it goes sometimes!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1262 | Registered: Aug 2010
cancuncrushed
Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

All her ammo was 6 yr old memory. A key? She holds a key as an important memory? Thats all she has. She doesnt have years of love, family, marriage, kids, pets, travel, holiday memories. Growing past tragedy. Even that. .....Measure for measure, she never had much....Even if there was a stupid key memory. It was probably some bulls---t story he gave her.... You know he lied to her too. It wasnt proof of love by any means. Just a trigger......Go full NC. You should never see or hear her words after 6 yrs. If she contacts H, I hope he tells you. And why did this other person/mutal aquaintance contact you anyway? That was rude in itself.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 883 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

The OW put that on her page.


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
smile_it_helps
Member
Member # 17569
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you for all your help. I did talk to my husband. He was calm and sweet about it not reactionary or upset like the past. I guess that was old trauma popping up too that I didn't want to talk to him. He could care less about her. He said he doesn't remember any key though. He said he remembers very little now from that time that it was just so crazy. I think I believe him...there's always that creeping fear that he doesn't want to hurt me by telling me now six years later.

I will block her and move on.

I have no idea why the woman friend requested me though.

[This message edited by smile_it_helps at 8:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


me bs
him fws
19 years
OW was my best friend
2 amazing kids
finding happiness again
separation 12/27/07
let him come back 3/25/08
Just had our 25th anniversary.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jan 2008
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

She is baiting you. Block her and do not look at her page. Don't fall for it smile.

What did your H say?


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
brohl5
Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

We were posting at the same time, it seems.

I'm glad you spoke to your H and he was understanding. I completely agree that it is the trauma coming back. When OW reared her ugly head years later, my blood went completely cold. I thought I would throw up, just hearing her name.

I do find I odd that she sent you a friend request, but like someone else said, she might be one of those people who friends people she doesn't know. Makes no sense to me because I don't do that, but I have gotten lots of requests like that, from people that don't know me directly, but we have friends in common.

Block her and move on. And stay in communication with your H about your feelings. You won't be "all better" tomorrow. It sucks that you have to go through this again, after all the work you two have done.


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5641 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
Ibelieveinme
Member
Member # 11363
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Hi Smile - it's me :)

I read through the entire post. Remember when everyone would tell us about hysterical bonding, fishing the fog? Well, these are real life terms.
This person is fishing, she is sad with her current situation like she was when she met a man that she can't have and she is gonna try like hell to get that back.

Why, why in the world will she not go away? Trust me, I have used up all of my energy trying to figure this out myself. I found myself doubting myself, my BEST judgement and we went 5 steps backwards and 3 steps forward. I still hear from the OW in ways that really perplex me and I am one tough cookie but she wants to beat me down. When I did hear from her indirectly or whatever and I in turn would beat my H over the head. How much are we going to beat them up? They have seen us at our weakest point in life. Your H is still there and you are flourishing. Don't let her get the best of what you both worked so hard at doing. There is always the devil that wants to take us down and they come in all forms of life.

I don't hate the OW actually, I thank her and so should you. In your mind if she tries to creep back into your life, thank her in your mind and move on. Somehow she has to give up and maybe she won't, but you can't view her as a negative. Be grateful for what you both have accomplished, realize you are not the only person that has gone through this and just look in the mirror and stand tall woman!

Oh, and edited to add. When she did get to me, she would tell me things that never came up and how in the hell do we remember what happened almost 7 years ago. She is trying to go back to a time that she was happy - she wanted YOUR life. Well, it's yours and your H's - don't let her do this to you.

Big HUGS to you.

[This message edited by Ibelieveinme at 9:03 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]




Posts: 1842 | Registered: Jul 2006
crossroads2010
Member
Member # 30213
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Maybe this woman wants to make real estate contact and OW provided names...she may just be stupid enough to think you can be one big circle of friends now...or she is fishing...6 years later...you never know when they will resurface.
I would just block her...I hate facebook...I could use to stay connected to some old friends, but whenever I get on I think about looking at her page to check on her whereabouts and any clues that they may still have contact..its a little obsessive...and I hate that I still have the urge to do that.
You are NOT stupid to allow yourself to fall back in love... that is to be admired and celebrated... true love with no blinders on...no rose colored glasses...it shows inner confidence and strength in my opinion.

Posts: 570 | Registered: Nov 2010
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Don't hand over your power to OW. She doesn't deserve it.

She is meaningless to you in this moment. She has nothing you want.

Ignore.

Live.

Go enjoy your husband.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1631 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 35