Just Found Out
User Topic: Who knows your spouse cheated?
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It's been 19 days since day. I've told one person. I am sorta embarrassed for his family to know he cheated. I think he would get mad at me if told them. So I was just wondering should I keep it a secret or tell someone?

Who have you told?

[This message edited by EB1541 at 12:32 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Just my ww, me, the OM and his spouse that I notified. I did not tell our kids or anyone else. We'll, our ICs know as we'll as our psychiatrists, but none of our friends or family.

I did not think it would be helpful to R in our case if everybody knew.

[This message edited by bobf at 12:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My WW, the OM and that is it. Don't really want anyone else to know.

BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Before I made the decision to D? No one.
Once I made that choice I told some friends and family.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Outside of our counselors and those directly involved? Nobody. Since infidelity is such a polarizing things, we wanted to be farther along in our own healing before inviting others to poke at the wound.

Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 302 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My family and I are close so I told them. I knew about their relationship problems and seeked advice from them when it happen to me. My best friend knew because she totally understood what I was going through for she had been through it as well.

Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 184 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Dday we told the kids, because they are 17 and 19 and they would wonder where Dad went (the plan was for him to leave the next day) We also told our 17 yr old daughter who the affair was with because there was a very good chance the OW was going to try to interact with her (She had access to her through school and sports)and I was having NONE of that. We decided to try to work it out the next day, then we told his parents and mine. Since the kids knew and they were close to them we wanted them to have someone to go to, if they didn't want to talk to us, and we didn't want them to be overwhelmed and tell the g-parents before we did. I have 2 friends who I talk to, and he has one.

Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Only a few close friends, my mom (because I almost had a nervous breakdown) and my cousin (because I was an emotional wreck when my aunt was dying. It all came spilling out).

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

This is a deeply personal decision and there's no right answer. If your WS is in the fog, sometimes telling people can help pull him out of it. If he's committed to R, sometimes it can be helpful for both you and him to have friends who support you in your path to R. Sometimes family are supportive, but sometimes they just make things worse. At minimum, you each need your own IC to bounce things off of. Personally, I told 3 close female friends, one of whom is a joint WS/BS friend, who has acted a bit like a marital godmother. She works in the same field as WH (even knew the OW), so I feel better when he goes on conferences where the OW is, because the friend is there. Not that I'm worried about WH slipping at this point, but because she's there to support him. WH also had a male friend he could talk to, and at one point even opened up to a second male friend. I saw this as a good sign -- he wanted to be open and honest with his friends. He was initially so ashamed of himself.

Anyway, as I said, it's a personal decision, and really depend on your judgment re whether people will be supportive or not. If you suspect they won't be supportive, hold back. You can always tell them later, once you've settled down. It's tough at the beginning, though, when you feel so lonely.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My two best friends (20 years history together), our pastor, WS's therapist, and our sons. That was tough, but WH and I sat together to tell them since the younger of the two overheard things on dd.
WH has told none of his friends since his A was out of town and because they would really step back from him.

[This message edited by SoVerySadNow at 1:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Who have I told?

All of my friends, all of my family, all of my new neighbours, some of my clients, a couple of waitresses at my local bar, my optician, my shrink, the entire audience at my weekly open stage, everyone I jam with, old friends, strangers on the bus. Almost fucking everybody!

Her family is a bunch of arseholes, so I never told them. They wouldn''t have believed it, and they probably would have lashed out at me.

I wish I''d told her neighbours (they used to be my neighbours as well). I''ve become the dirty little secret in the neighbourhood, while they''ve all be setting her up with their friends and family.

Why have I told so many people? I''ve discovered that people want to help. They want to be there for me. Am I being selfish? Maybe, but I haven''t done a good job of hiding my emotions. People were wondering what''n hell was wrong with me.

Tell fucking everyone, EB. Knowledge is power. You may be worrying about people thinking he''s an arse, and that causing some difficult situations if you decide to reconcile. Well, that isn''t your problem. He is about to face a metric shitload of consequences, and losing the respect of everyone he knows should be Consequence Number One.

People can''t be there for you if they don''t know what''s wrong. Please get the support you need.

And he''ll be mad if you tell people? Fuck him! He has lost all right to get mad about anything!

Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous

Posts: 2112 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Oh, EB, I see from your other post that he's an unremorseful jerk. I should have read your post more carefully.

I mean this all in the kindest possible way, although I know it's not going to seem that way: 1) You're not talking because he might get mad? Screw him! YOU'RE the one who should be mad! 2) You're embarassed to let his family know? Why on earth should you be embarassed? They're the ones who raised this cheating scumbag!

Keeping it a secret benefits only him at this point. It keeps you isolated and allows him to manipulate you better. He needs to come face to face with the consequences of his actions. You will never be able to appeal to his better nature -- right now, he doesn't have one.

I can't believe he cheated on you so early in your marriage. He's no good, I'm afraid.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thanks for all the responses. I guess I just felt in the wrong if I told anyone. I want to have some support but it's hard when no one knows.

I want some one to know in his family because he is just living life like it's all fine and dandy! I told my mother because I have no close friends. But his family keeps texting me about normal stuff but it's hard when it just reminds me of him and how much he hurt me.

Know that some of you mentioned it. I am keeping a secret for his benefit. It's not fair it just hurting me more. We can't afford counseling and I doubt he would go or even tell the truth there .

But thank you everyone it's nice to see all perspectives.

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 41219
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

First people I told were my parents, they have been unbelievably supportive with everything, I am so glad I did. The only other family members that know are 1 of my siblings and my uncle (He is a family attorney so I was able to get alot of help from him)

I have told a few friends that have dealt with infidelity before and I knew they would be a good support system and would be accepting of my WH if I let him stay in my life.

None of WH family knows yet. He has a strained relationship with them and is closer with my family. Right now Im not concerned with telling his family, but Im sure it will come out one day.

Me: BS, 30
Him: WH, 31, 1 month EA & PA
Married 9 years
Kids: 2 perfect boys
D-day: Nov 3, 2013
Working on R

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: ND
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I haven't even told WH I know. But my 17yo son knows... I will be speaking with my mom and a close friend bc I will need their help should things get out of hand.

I told my best friend about 6 years ago when I found out then. She wouldn't stay in same room with him after. Then she moved away for her husbands job. She's the only other one I would tell now if I could...

Then there's all of you!

BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

And Blobette thank you for the tough love! I needed that eye opener. I need to stop worrying about what benefits him when he clearly doesn't think about what benefits me.

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It is a very personal decision. For me, my H, brother and our two therapists know; no one else. My friends know something is going on with me and have asked what's up but I won't tell them just yet. I need much more distance from the A and the DD before I confide in anyone. I think the initial reaction of your friend would be to tell you to leave your H immediately and that might not be what you want to do. They might even stop being your friend if you told them want to R with him (which is why I'm not telling one friend in particular). When you think you have more of a handle on what your H did and what you want to do with that information, I think you'll find it easier to confide in someone else. But for now, I think telling more people might confuse you even more because you'll be getting such unbiased opinions.

Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Member # 40075
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

EB---you can put me right there with ((Pass)) except I also told my dog and cat, and surrounding neighbors pets also. YOU don't owe him a damn thing, esp. if he is unremorseful. So, I look at it this way: yes, it is a personal decision, but if you want to tell the world, tell the world! One of the things you learn through all this is who your REAL friends are also. You know your husband didn't have your back---now is a good time to find out which of your friends really have your back. JMO.

Me: 47; WW: 48
2 DS: 9, 14
DDay: Jan/13
Divorced and Done!--7/13

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: KS
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Mandan66. You just made me laugh! :) Thanks you are so right. I know everyone's situation isn't black and white so everyone's answers vary. I just want to know how everyone dealt with this aspect of cheating and their reasons behind it.

I'm so glad I found this site. The support is awesome. The circumstances we are all here really stinks though.

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Soon after dday, my best friend from up north was scheduled to visit us. Actually she was staying with u when I confronted him. I told her everything, every little detail ( I would have anyway even if she were not staying with us)She is the ONE who has helped me tremendously and has listened to my whining and agonizing for the last 4 years and not once has she complained that I am bothering her.

I also told my cousin but I regretted it later because I have a feeling she told her 2 daughters and that is not what I wanted her to do.

Our sons do not know, neither do our families. My parents have long been dead and his were very old and sick and I would not have told them even if they lived close. His sister doesn't know and I don't plan on telling her; we are not close and never have been.

And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 875 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Pastors and Elders of 2 churches(the one where both our family and their family attended & our new church, in the desire to make a clean start with openness and assistance for healing) My fWH called our parents, bosses and close friends, to get it out in the open and apologize, while asking forgiveness and help to stay on track with our M.(acountability). I have shared my situation with few people. Mostly because of the shame, but I also feel that may hinder closure and healing of the A damage.

BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My parents, brother, sister, his parents and brothers and their wives, his cousin and his wife and my 5 best friends. He is living with his mom so everyone found out. I honestly dont care he deserves to be shamed in my opinion. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.

Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My parents, brother, sister, his parents and brothers and their wives, his cousin and his wife and my 5 best friends. He is living with his mom so everyone found out. I honestly dont care he deserves to be shamed in my opinion. I did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.

Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

INtially no one. I kept it to myself, of course my massive weight loss, and emotional distress eventually won out, and I gave up my horrible codependent ways.
I was sooo concerned that if I said something to someone, anyone he would leave. I was worried about doing anything at any time to mess it up. Then I realized that I deserved much more, and that I could tell who I wanted and needed to.

I would caution you though if you are working toward R that you cannot untell those you have told, and it can change the dynamic of some friendships.

I told a few family members, H's mom, and a couple of close friends, he told his best friend. That was about it.

Now I don't hesitate to tell people what we went through, and most of the time they are awe stricken that we went through that, and came out as good as we are. They want to know how. I tell anyone who is dealing with infidelity if it weren't for this site, I don't think we would have had the outcome we did.

(((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I told a married couple on the other coast the first full day after DDay, after FWH had lied to me about deleting all of his porno photos from his computer. I needed their support and as they were so far away, I figured they were the best people to reach out to. I also told FWH that every time he lied to me, I would tell another of our friends because he was SO shocked that I actually did it. I told my sister because I fell apart in front of her and literally had no choice. His older sister figured it out from things that he said about hurting me greatly when I fell apart at her house while we were settling his mother''s estate. I do believe that his brother knows the bare bones as well. Of course, our MC and both ICs know.

I limited who I told because we made the early decision to try to R. I wanted to minimize the fallout if R happened. However, when we separated late in 2013, I told him that once legal separation papers were filed, I would be traveling up to tell my parents and I would not be responsible for his secrets any more. I definitely would have told Every Single One Of Our Friends/Family exactly why, in one sentence, we divorced. I figured it was not my secret to keep any more.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My co-worker and friend, who was married (and now divorced) to a serial cheater.

No one else. I once had a friend who's husband had a ONS. They R'd, and she told me the one regret that she had was telling so many friends and family at the beginning, when she was hurt and angry, as it was harder to R as everyone had their own opinions of what she should do, etc.

It's still new, and I don't know how it will turn out or who else I may tell as I go through this. One of my best friends who I usually talk to had an EA and ONS, so her opinion will be skewed as well.

Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)


I kept that dirty, disgusting secret with me and me only for almost 2 years. I probably did that for all the wrong reasons---embarrassment, vanity---you name it.

But after D-day #3, I told who I wanted, which was close family. I, like others, realized that I was hurting myself by *protecting* her, so I learned to change that mindset.

It is a strictly personal choice for you---there is no wrong answer if you choose to tell others, or keep it to yourself.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My mom, dad, step mom, brother, both sisters, two best friends, five brothers in law, five sisters in law, our sons and a good number of her friends.

There's no shame in it for me. Now, I didn't even know about the A when she divorced me. Found out when we started to reconcile post divorce.

So, a load of people heard me talk about how I should have been a better husband when I was grieving the divorce. When we got back together, there was a bit of correcting of the record that needed to be done. We both could have done more to improve the marriage, but not knowing about the A, I obviously took blame for the divorce that wasn't mine.

We've been fortunate to have been supported by all parties. There were a few of her friends that were not friends of the marriage that got set aside, but the important people in our lives have supported us.

Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1499 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I told 2 close GF and a girl at work who is going through the same thing and another friend at work who went through this and D a few years ago, as well as IC. I now wish I had only told the 2 girls at work and my IC. My 2 GF were horrible about it and can't understand why I have stayed. Oh well, hind sight!

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I do have to say I did tell all of my staff. I was an office manager for a pair of surgeons and everyone knew I was off of my game and I wanted them to know tht even though my personal life was a disaster that I could still do my job. But I also asked for patience and understanding.

They understood and wether they agreed with my plan of R or not they were supportive to me. Thank God because work was my sanctuary and brief time that IT wasn't obsessively overtaking alll my thoughts and concerns.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My husband moved out on Dday. He told our daughter on the way out the door. I had to tell our 2nd daughter at college. I sent a note to his siblings that that should call him on his cell phone because even though he didn't deserve it, he could use their love and support. His brothers and sisters-in-laws were a tremendous support to me and our daughters. His sister has never mentioned it to me nor offered any support. She loves to cry the pity party for herself and i have always supported her.
I told my two bosses and a couple of co-workers. They could tell something was terribly wrong. I told 4 best friends. Only one couldn't forgive him after we reconciled. I told my family but they don't talk about it. I had to tell them was dday was the week before Thanksgiving and we were going to visit. You need support. Even 2 years out it is comforting to have family support you both and your marriage. My fwh told 2 less than close friends. He told them more a a "don't do what I did" situation. He has never told his close friends. He had one friend that knew all along and helped pass messages along from the OW. This man came to our wedding. He is no longer a friend. Hugs. Now 2 MCs know too. Plus I am sure my friends and co-corkers may have let a few others too. I have gotten that pity look a few times. I told one other friend after we reconciled because she was on a similar situation that became very public and I wanted to support her and let her know she was not alone. I could have skipped the co-workers if they weren't so concerned about me.

3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Sep 2013
New Member
Member # 42045
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

I kept it under wraps for a while. But just yesterday I put it in a status on Facebook and made it available for everyone to see. All her friends and all my friends know. My entire family knows. Her entire family knows. I don't feel embarrassed or vulnerable with everyone knowing. I was mostly keeping it under wraps because she asked me to.

Me - BS 27
Her - WW 26 (Neveragain1221)
Started Dating 12/08/07
Married 04/03/12
D-day#1 05/02/12 Gaslighting, Rugsweeping
D-day#2 01/03/14 Confrontation about D-day#1, got confession
4 year EA and PA, TT, Affair began less than 1 year after we

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Minnesota
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Me: best friend, therapist.
Her: both parents.
OM: allegedly nobody.

ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I would have loved to keep this quiet, but I wasn't given that option. My kids knew before I did. That changed everything. GP's needed to know so they could support me and kids. My sister, a couple good friends, to start.... However, we are active in a small community within a larger city. Soon, it seemed like everyone knew. I was mortified. But I've accepted it.

Now I see some benefits of the public scrutiny. Many friends support our M and are trying to help us both navigate R. Both set of parents are hugely supportive. It's been a community effort to pull his head out of his derriere, but it paid off. A's don't thrive in the light of day.

I still hate everyone knowing my personal business, but hope someday I can help someone IRL because they will know I'm a survivor! Just yesterday, an acquaintance dealing with the family fallout of her sister's A approached me to say how much she admired how gracefully I have handled myself throughout this all. It helps to know people are pulling for you!

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 27th (Monday)

His mom and dad know and they cant hold water......His dad told his side and whenever I see them (there are like 20 siblings) they always embrace me and tell me whatever I need I can come to any of them directly and dont have to go through my WH. Infact, often times, they have a get together and I am there, but WH is not.

"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Initially I told my pastor, and 2 close friends. One had a WH and they R, it's been 10 years, she gave me some great advice.

After I found evidence of another OW, and the LTA/Rendezvous that involved WH spending lots of $$ I decided to D. I called my Mom, then I told all our fb friends (yes, I did post a status that stated we were getting D, and the reason was his 10+ years of cheating on me that he admitted to - no I did not spend any further time on fb bashing him). Now I tell everyone! People are much better equipped to help you if they know where you are.

Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 42210
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I told my parents and siblings, and I told WHs parents through email as they and his siblings live abroad. They needed to know that he left our 20 year marriage to go to someone he had been sleeping with for 2 years.
I posted on FB with generic info and have gotten lots of love and support. I have gotten love and support from HIS family, too. They aren't happy with him, and I like that. And my boss and other close friends know. I needed and deserved support.

Love ... dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anais Nin
D-day 1/24/14. Divorcing. Moving forward in fits and starts.

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: kansas
Member # 39502
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I told 2 women at work, and later 4 other women at work so I assume that more know the way things get around. I had to speak to my supervisor at work because I needed a specific day off each week to attend therapy which was a regular work day for me. She knows the marriage was in crisis, but I didn't specifically tell her why. I'm usually a fairly private person at work, and probably wouldn't have said anything except for the fact that I had to work the evening of DDay and I was a wreck. If I hadn't have worked that day and had time to process what was happening I probably wouldn't have said anything. Although I kind of wish I hadn't have said anything there, I did find out that the same thing was going on with 2 of the women I told, and we were able to support each other.

My mom. I know she told my brother and his son, so I assume that their significant others know.

My best friend, who had been through this herself previously and divorced. I assume she told her new husband.

My WH told his 3 sisters and their spouses. (His parents are both deceased.) I don't know if their kids know. Some of our nieces and nephews are adults. I know that some of them know we were separated for a while, don't know if they know the real reason.

I, too, felt very ashamed, embarrassed and humiliated despite the fact that I didn't do anything wrong. Even so, I knew I needed support.

Me - 49 (BS)
Him - 51 (WH with "8 or 9" prostitutes)
Married 30 years, give or take a few weeks here and there
D-Day - May 4, 2013
Discovered an EA going on since 2010 around that time, too. NC in place now.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Everyone who reads the newspaper that contained the article about it, and anyone who gossips with anyone else who read it.

Aside from that, I have lived in 2 new places since then, where it would be easy to keep it a secret. However, anyone who becomes part of my inner circle, is told. I find it easier to be upfront about it rather than wait for someone to discover and think they have some top secret info, they can bandy about.

I find that secrets are more weight than I like to carry.

BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one

Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 42160
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I'm only one month in. I've told one close friend. Two family members know that we are "having problems." The WW has told two of her sisters and two friends. No parents know as of yet. It's just a matter of time, my case everyone is going to know sooner or later. We're just trying to figure things out as much as possible before opening that can of worms with family.

Me - BS 39
Her - WW 34
Kids - 3 & 1
Married - 9 years
Status - FUBAR

Posts: 211 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 40485
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I have only told one friend and then I forbade her to speak of it again because I knew she would just preach to me even though she knows I am an atheist. I haven't told any family. I have no doubt my mother would blame me. I just don't want to hear her judgemental crap. She blamed all of my brother's ex-wives for his affairs so I am positive on how she would react. I have thought about talking to my brother-in-law. My sister just left him for another man so I know he would get it but I have only met him a few times so I am not very comfortable with that. I feel very much alone in this since I have no one.

[This message edited by LotusFlwr at 3:14 PM, January 27th (Monday)]

Me: BS


Married: 13 years

Kids: 12 and 10

Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
New Member
Member # 42233
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, January 27th (Monday)

His parents. I've told no one. I have a dr appointment next week, so guess I'll be telling them. Not looking forward to that at all. I don't even know how to start and my friends have their own stresses.

I don't know how I'd even start. I was shocked I could post it here but it is almost like putting it in a journal. Just writing it down feels better. Sort of.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 42143
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 27th (Monday)

It's been 25 days since dday and now my SIL, best friend and my mother know. I tried not telling anyone but it's hard because I felt I needed to talk about it so I didn't go insane!

D-day Jan. 2, 2014
Just married Nov. 3, 2013
My age: 22, his age:26
One wonderful son together - 11 months old

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Pretty much like PASS posted on here. All my family knows because I need their support. I have told no one in his family except his mom knows I kicked him out. She asked if it was another woman and I told her I couldn't tell her but that pretty much answered it.

My whole office knows because I had to ask for full time hours and I worked part time and it's very small. Most of my friends. My gyno because I got std testing. My son's teachers have a hint because he is having a very very rough time. As PASS said, pretty much the bartender,paper boy, etc. LOL The more people that know the more support I feel. When you are married 27 years people wonder and I just tell them I told him to live with his girlfriend.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
New Member
Member # 32640
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

When my WH's first A happened three years ago, I didn't tell anybody except my one lifelong friend who is a locked box. We went through MC and reconciled and for me it was the best way to heal.

When I found out about the second A last year, I didn't tell anybody because I wanted to R. But went the A continued for months and months, I realized I was helping him keep his dirty little secret and I was living in isolation. Once I started telling my family and close friends, it was like a huge burden was lifted. The support and encouragement has been wonderful, and my friends don't have to worry anymore that I was dying of cancer because of my inexplicable weight loss from stress.

Examine your motives: If you are telling for revenge or punishment, that's not a healthy reason. If you are telling to help your own recovery, then go for it. It's very freeing. Keep your chin up!

BS - me (44)
M 20 years, three kids
D-Day June, 2011
D-Day #2 Sept, 2013
Separated after D-Day #3 Dec 2013
Divorcing 2014

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2011
New Member
Member # 40597
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I've only told one friend, and that was because I thought I would need a place to stay. The reason I have chosen to keep quiet is twofold: One reason is because I can't handle the thought of my friends or family feeling sorry for me. The other reason is because seven months out I still cannot bear to say the words "He cheated on me" out loud.

But tomorrow is our first appointment with the MC, so I guess I'll have to add another to the list and say those words, no matter how hard or distasteful I find them.

[This message edited by RemainingWed at 10:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Me - 45 (BS) PCOS/infertility/Co-dependent
Him - 32 (FWH) mid-life crisis/wants kids
Married 9 years, together for 14
No kids (a factor in the affair) :(

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: California
Member # 41800
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I expose his affair to all our family and close friend. His mom and dad were so mad at him. Everyone called and blamed him. If I didn't expose the affair would have never ended.

Will never be naive again...

BW - Me (28)
WH - Him my JH sweetheart (33)
Married - 8 years
2 babies - DD (3) and DD (5 months)
OW#1 - PA with classmate for 2 months
OW#2 - Some slut living oversees that needs a green card. EA & PA going on

Posts: 110 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: USA
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I told my close friends and my father, and now that we're trying to R I sorta regret it. Some of my friends say they are supportive of my decision to stay, but I can sense they think I'm doing the wrong thing and being naive, and that my WH will hurt me again/do it again. My father (although I needed him for a shoulder to cry on) hates his guts, making everything more difficult. I feel like staying in my cave and not talking to anyone about anything. And the more torrid details I uncover, the less I want to talk to other people because I feel so embarrassed and dumb!!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 31891
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Everybody. STBXWW is unrepentive, unremorseful, and ended up moving in with the OM. so, I held nothing back.

Posts: 480 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Maryland
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

It's a very personal decision.

But just remember that secrets usually end up being toxic.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 3:50 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

My best friend. Then she told her husband after I asked her not to tell anyone, actually he guessed it after she told him we were having problems. She asked him how he knew and he said "because he's the type that would." Then she told a coworker of hers I'm acquainted with who went through infidelity during her first marriage. It's awkward. I'm still good friends with her but have noticed we haven't been invited to their house since. She doesn't understand why I'm still in my marriage after such a long deception. There is somewhat of a stigma those who stay acquire from other women, something I didn't actually realize but know now.

As for his family. They've suspected all during that time and let me know this but I haven't confided in them. My side of the family, the few of them that are, haven't a clue.

f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Oh, EB, I feel for you. I found out about 6 months into my marriage, and it had been going on since before we were married. Every time I'm asked "if marriage is what I expected" or "if it's true that the first year of marriage is the hardest", I'm always tempted to say, "Sure, but I imagine it'd be much easier with a faithful spouse....."

I initially told only my best friend. I wholeheartedly planned on R and I assumed my family and others would pressure me to leave him. I eventually told my mom and sister, and their responses surprised me. They have been incredibly supportive of me, and I wish I had told them sooner.

I have begged and begged WH to tell his family. I think it's been very obvious that something has been going on with us, and I hate that they have no idea it's his fault. I also think they'd be very helpful in bringing him to a real place of remorse. He has refused to tell them, but my best friend has encouraged me to just bite the bullet and tell them myself.

WH has been unhappy with me for telling people for fear of what they'll think of him, but I have no empathy for him on that regard. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have been an asshole.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

WH has been unhappy with me for telling people for fear of what they'll think of him, but I have no empathy for him on that regard. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have been an asshole.

YES!!!!! YES!!!!! YES!!!!!

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I've told one friend - she's been through the same thing and so I knew she wouldn't judge. She told her husband and one other friend of hers.

So whoever you tell, they will probably pass it on.

I feel bad sometimes not telling other people who I am close to but justify it to myself by thinking it my business and that I have changed my thinking/feeling so much it would be traumatic to have to keep them up to date. I have enough trouble organising my own feelings.

WBF has told 2 people, but he says not much detail because its not something he's proud of.

I'm glad that I haven't told everyone. As we move through it and things get better it seems more Ok to talk about it - but not yet. I would get the "why didn't you tell me!?" question anyway.

DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 485 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 54