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Reconciliation
User Topic: The positives of year 2
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I see lots of posts about how hard year 2 is and I remember when I first came here after dday it was so hard to see that it wasn't going to get better anytime soon...for me though I'm finding that some stuff in year 2 is better for me then it was in year 1....anyone else find this?

Some examples
I don't have explosions of emotion. By this I mean I don't suddenly become overwhelmed with despair and collapse on the kitchen floor sobbing loudly as my 2 year old watched or go out to the back yard and start screaming and kicking and punching the side of the shed as hard as I can. I honestly couldn't control the raw sadness and anger in year 1...it just happened.
Now I don't cry or get violent with the shed anymore. I still feel angry and sad but they are manageable. I also feel happy too...not usually for a whole day but for parts of most days.

I don't have anxiety attacks when wh is at work that he won't come home or worse will come home and announce he wants a divorce or has had an affair. Obviously I'm aware this could still happen but I don't worry about it because I know that my worrying about it has no impact on if it happens or not. I can't control wh so why stress about him making choices I can't control?

I don't cry after sex anymore. Still it is my biggest trigger, I have mind movies everytine but they aren't there the whole time and they don't have the same shattering effect on me.

I don't obsess over getting details anymore. I used to think about questions all day and every detail mattered. Now sometimes I think "I wonder if that happened" and instead of feeling a need to know I kind of feel like if it happened or if it didn't isn't going to change anything so I just let it go. If I can't let it go or I feel the answer really matters then I ask of course but I don't feel a need to ask questions very often anymore.

I don't feel sick when he gets a text. I'm comfortable enough to just grab his phone and scan through it without even asking him. He says that his phone is my phone and I can look at whatever I want whenever I want.....same goes for email, Facebook, ect. The phone was the only way he contacted ow though so that was the big one.

I believe he loves me. It took him saying and showing me he loved me for a long time before I could say that.

I feel more sure of my choice to stay. I struggled with leaving or staying the whole first year.

I still struggle and have bad days but this week I'm feeling good so I wanted to offer a positive post...I think almost all of my posts are depressing ones because you always need to talk more when you're depressed.

[This message edited by Angel177 at 12:48 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you Angel. Year 2 just a few weeks away for me. I appreciate your positive perspective for at least some aspects of year two.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 250 | Registered: Mar 2013
FracturedSoul
Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Amazing post Angel177!

I relate to almost everything you wrote...my biggest trigger also happens to be sex...causes horrific mind movies, but it is getting less frequent ( the movies I mean! ). I spent the whole Sunday crying and feeling sorry for myself, after FWH arranged a successful date night for the two of us on Saturday...

Go figure...I get what I want and then I cry about it

Really good to read something positive.


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
musiclovingmom
Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I'm so glad someone else is looking at year two with a positive attitude. I'm halfway through year two and keep wondering if I'm weird or if the whole thing is going to collapse. For me, year one was definitely harder. Year two has been pretty great.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

The thing about year 2 is it's just different I think. Different feelings, worries, thoughts then year 1 and you no longer have the benefit of being in shock (I found it hurt less during the time I was in shock) but I definitly don't find the pain as raw anymore.

I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel...not sure when I will get there but at least I can see it now.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

We are approaching year two also so this is good to read.

Another question on how we may all be a little different -

I don't seem to be having an "angry phase" that many have commented on. I have never been very good at anger, so sometimes this worries me - am I not delving into feelings I should be feeling? On the other hand, I do feel plenty, and I still have surges of hurt and tears, which we handle together. We are in IC and MC so I'm not without ways to keep talking. But I just never really had an "angry phase." Anyone else?


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank you. Year 2 is just over a month away for me and I need to see progress.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

LearningToFeel,

I also had very little anger - I was too overwhelmed with hurt and sadness to feel anything else I think. But very early on, I experienced one evening of being pretty mad and determined get on with my life without her, and feeling superior to my "bad" WW. But those feelings didn't last - and they haven't come back. If I get angry at all now, it's at the AP. But I think that might be misplaced, because the AP didn't really "do" anything to me. My wife did.

It was just more pain, hurt and tears than I have ever experienced in my life.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 250 | Registered: Mar 2013
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Learningtofeel sorry I can't offer any advice. I felt almost a blinding rage....anger I never knew existed.

I have seen others say the same as you though...everyone heals differently.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 249 | Registered: Oct 2012
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Crushed -

Thanks for your comments. I also tend to feel very angry towards the AP and am asking myself questions about that anger. She was my closest friend, so I am angry at her betrayal of my friendship, but I also figure it's a bit of misplaced anger towards my fWS. Also I know how hard my fWS has been working to own his choices and learn and change, and I have no idea what she's up to, so it's easier to stay angry with her.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

for me: and this is actually a positive of everything that happened, no matter what year - all the little stuff is so damn little now. I no longer am irritated by anything he does that I used to be: chewing with his mouth open, his mother, the fact that he hates onions (try cooking for 25 years without onions). Those are just so little now they don't bother me at all!
He is a great husband other than the obvious. He helps out around the house, takes the garbage out, handles the car stuff, etc, and I make sure he knows how much I appreciate this.

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:47 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5243 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
ziganska
Member
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Thanks for the inspiring post--we need to see more positives! All the best!


Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 12