SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Please advise me..was I wrong??
Searchingforhope
Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

If I need the 2x4's feel free to swing them.

Yesterday morning I went to an AA meeting with H. My reason's for going were:

1. Because AA is an important part of my H's life and he needs it to stay sober, and I want to share that part of his life with him. I also learn, from the program, about staying grateful and all the other good teachings...

2. Because I have become friends with many people in the program as well and love seeing them.

3. Because I had the morning off from work with H and like spending time with him.

This is the meeting where he met OW, and though she rarely attends it now, there was a chance that she would be there. When she does show up, my H leaves, but if I'm with him, then we can choose to stay if we are both comfortable.

OW wasn't at the meeting... It was a good meeting and I saw some friends

Afterwards we went to H's workplace which was closed for the day. I needed H to unlock the restroom there, and made the comment to him, "Oh, I should have used the restroom at the AA facility."

He said, "No, there's a lot of transient usage there."

This caused me to trigger and although I kept quiet, after awhile, H asked me what was wrong.

I told him that it really hurt me that he put my health at risk when he attempted to have intercourse with OW without a condom. And although
he didn't succeed either times to having actual intercourse with her, that was his intention.

My feeling was that he didn't think this was a big deal...that he got tested for STD's and they were negative and so I should just let it go already.
He is trying in R, but when he makes the comment "No, there's a lot of transient usage there." I feel like he doesn't get the fact that what he did was far worse than me catching something from a toilet seat.

My question is, am I wrong in voicing my feelings when I trigger? At 20 months from Dday, should I be keeping this stuff to myself? Was I wrong in general for linking his transient comment to what he did during the A????

Please set me straight on this..2x4's welcomed.

Thanks for reading this novel.


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Why would it be wrong? A trigger is a trigger.
Heck, I triggered during a movie about talking turkeys. (No lie.) The "romance" scene got me.

Obviously, we can't control these things. My guess is this is one of the more lingering hurtful parts of the affair that you haven't processed yet. It is only through working through it that you guys can fully heal.

For me, the times they had unprotected sex was a biggie -- still working on it. So, be patient with yourself, and I hope your H is being supportive.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


me - BS (45)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"An affair is more akin to a mental illness than a relationship."

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1360 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Ditto Bionicgal (right down to the talking turkey trigger, why did there have to be infedility in that movie??). Of course you can't decide when and where you will trigger and when you do you need to be allowed to be open and honest about it.
Keep talking. Never stop communicating. It seems to be the ONLY way through this.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 839 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Right on, bionicgal! Couldn't have said it better. See how bright and strong you are? And authentic, too - confessing to triggering over turkey romance. That's awesome.

Searching, my husband never thought about protection and we both ended up with an STD. Thank God, it's probably the most common and benign one out there. But still, it's a huge issue for me. And all he can say is that it's just another example of how thoughtless, careless and selfish he was. So of course, for a while there triggers happened whenever he would do or say something in an attempt to caution or protect me. It's hard not to be incredulous and say, where was the concern for my health and safety during your A?"

Good for you for going with him to AA. I think that speaks volumes about your character and commitment to him. He's a lucky man.

IMO - those triggers will lessen over time, especially if you share them with him.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
15 month PA with coworker
DDay 1.20.2012 - found out when diagnosed with STD

Posts: 188 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Searchingforhope
Member
Member # 38437
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Thank you bionicgal...for your quick response as well as your insight. After reading your comment, the topic came up with my H and I referred to this part in our discussion. I think you nailed it with this..

My guess is this is one of the more lingering hurtful parts of the affair that you haven't processed yet. It is only through working through it that you guys can fully heal.

Morhurt..I agree with you that we have to keep talking as the only way to get through this...And I said to H that I think if he could he would pretend it never happened. But I can't do that because I know it would be unhealthy to ignore. It's sort of like a purging.

Kyrie..This is it exactly..

It's hard not to be incredulous and say, where was the concern for my health and safety during your A?"

H and I discussed it further and I think he "got it" so hopefully this is a trigger that will subside.


So Grateful for all of you!


Me: BW 51 (didn't have a clue)
Him: FWH 54(extremely remorseful about his stupid midlife crisis)
Married 27 yrs

PA that lasted approx. 2 weeks. OW was a younger but totally screwed up %#@%!

DDay 4-25-12
Reconciling


Posts: 130 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 5