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User Topic: BS rugsweeping?
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Sometimes I think my BH is rugsweeping my A. He's willing to talk about it if I bring it up, but rarely brings it up on his own. I can't remember what he said recently, but it left me with the impression that he is "stuffing" alot of the pain. He doesn't want to bring up the A because it upsets me and he doesn't like to see me hurting. It's completely backward. He comforts me when I should be comforting him.

Can he heal if he doesn't "go thru" the pain?


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Before I go on an epic long, trailing novel of a reply, let me ask a couple simple questions.

Does he "stuff" alot? What is he like on a regular day? Does is usually talk alot, or not much?

I'm not talking specifically about the A. Just in general.

ETA: I forgot till just now, but didn't you break NC last week? The reason your BH is "stuffing" is, he doesn't feel safe. He doesn't want to loose you, but if you're still breaking NC, you aren't emotionally invested enough in your marriage. That's a terribly scary place for him to be in.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 4:44 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Probably not. Not fully.

A saying used often on SI is "You can''t heal what you won''t feel."

Is your BH a caretaker/protector personality? Does he treat it as his role to look after you and keep you from being hurt? Maybe codependent?

Another alternative is that he is afraid of you leaving. That if he makes you too uncomfortable with his pain you''ll will change your mind. That doesn''t have to be based on anything you''ve said or done. The A itself is enough to instill such fear of rejection.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3728 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Aubrie -
I don't think that he "stuffs" normally. When he gets mad, you know it, kwim? And he can definitely be a talker about all kinds of things (work, hunting, fishing). And he's not afraid to say ILY to me, the kids, his siblings, in-laws. And yes, it was me that broke NC last week, but I still haven't told him. I know, I know - be transparent. I've maintained NC since then.

Brandon -
Yes! He is 100% the caretaker/protector. When our youngest DD was in NICU and then had to have surgery, he was supporting me even though he was suffering the same as me. We didn't know if she would make it and yet he still felt that he had to be my rock.


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

And yes, it was me that broke NC last week, but I still haven't told him. I know, I know - be transparent. I've maintained NC since then.

In your other thread, you mentioned your BH triggering over what he perceived to be you looking at your phone strangely.

Putting that together with this, sounds like he's got a reason to trigger and you've got a reason to be transparent. I'm not saying your phone glance was anything other than what you're saying. I'm suggesting he senses something and if you want to help him you should tell him about breaking NC.

It doesn't make sense for you to wonder why he doesn't seem to be all in for R and is rugsweeping when you're not all in for R and being transparent.

food for thought


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
dogg
New Member
Member # 41995
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Another alternative is that he is afraid of you leaving

I'm still very new to this, but I would tend to think that might be the case.


If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It doesn't make sense for you to wonder why he doesn't seem to be all in for R and is rugsweeping when you're not all in for R and being transparent.

X 100!!!

Yes! He is 100% the caretaker/protector.
Your husband puts his emotional needs on the backburner even in times of crisis. (NICU) And whether he knows about your broken NC or not, your husband is still having to compete with the AP for your attention. You are still thinking about AP. The AP is still making you feel about him more than your husband. I bet you your husband knows it too. He can feel that you are not really with him.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

My BH would win the trophy for best BS rug sweeper in the World. I'm just at a loss as to what do to with our dynamics.

As people have mentioned, your BH is sensing something is not right so his rug sweeping is actually another form of shutting down. If he can't see/hear it, it's not happening.

I also think there's a huge difference between rug-sweeping and denial. They may manifest in the same behaviour but one is refusing to believe something and the other is knowing it happened but not wanting to deal with it.

My BH is in such acute denial, that he's accused me of lying about having an A. Such is his resistance to accept what his life actually is. I'm so tired of it all.

[This message edited by Trying33 at 5:54 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
bookjunkie
Member
Member # 39033
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

The AP is still making you feel about him more than your husband.

Aubrie -
I don't understand what you are telling me here. Can you please explain?


WW 43 (me)
BH 45
Married 24 yrs
3 kids
DDay 2/10/13 Confessed
Reconciling

Posts: 62 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southern USA
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I think you're asking the wrong question. He senses you aren't safe, and he's right. Let him know about the broken NC and let him make up his own mind about what he wants to do about it. If my H were still thinking about his AP, I wouldn't even consider R. Your spouse is protecting himself right now, which he has every right to do.

If you want to R, there is no room for secrecy.

Good luck. I hope you both get through this together if it's what you both want.


"I move slow and steady, but I feel like a waterfall."

Posts: 662 | Registered: Mar 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I guess that was a wee bit weirdly worded.

Bottom line, the AP still has more power over you than your husband has. You are allowing that power. You are accepting that power. You are falling to that power.

Put up a wall, engage your shields. Fight off that power. Fight for mental and physical NC. Is he really worth destroying yourself and your marriage for?

And I don't have to say it a million times, if you know me, you know my stance bookjunkie. Honesty. Your husband has the right to know that you aren't fully on the wagon for R.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6167 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 11