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User Topic: Is this normal?
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

It's been nearly 5 years since I broke it off with my Ex. Over 3 years since I confessed to my H about my LTA. Just over a year ago my ex reached out to me through a friend. Yes, I was stupid and responded. I had some things I needed to get off my chest and some unfinished business. I immediately (within a few days) told my BH that I had talked to my ex and let him read our Facebook conversation. Anyhow, it seems my BH can't get past my LTA. I feel like it's been so long. The fighting, the emotional blows, the paranoia. It's all taking it's toll on me. Problem is, my ex lives (last I know anyhow and lived most of his life) in the same town both my mother and father reside in. I feel like I can't go up to see my parents without feeling guilty because I know the thoughts going through my BH's head. I know he's paranoid I am up there to see my ex. We still fight about my LTA. Big fights. The fights are just as bad as they were from the day I confessed. Name calling, threatening to throw me out, etc.

I guess what I'm asking is, shouldn't it have gotten better by now? Has enough time past where we should be making progress? I feel like if it hasn't gotten better yet, maybe it never will. Will he never get past this?


Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

In those 5 years, what have you done to make him feel Safe? Are you defensive?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Honestly, I'm not even sure. I've screwed up with a few things. He asked me for access to my phone about 2 months ago and I did get defensive. I fought it. For days actually. Not because I was hiding something but because I want my privacy. I did, after realizing that my reaction was the worst possible one, sit down and we came to a compromise. Although he hasn't asked to look through my phone since. Prior to my confession, I deleted my ex out of my life. I changed my #, blocked him off all social networking, email, IM etc. I'm not too sure what else I can do. I've been honest about my feelings, even if it's not something he wants to hear. Although I try very hard not to get defensive, i do at times. Especially when I am asked a question, I give an honest answer and then I'm told that he doesn't believe my answer and tells me what he thinks the answer actually is. That bothers me and yes, I do get defensive. Any suggestions on what else I can do? I'm finding it very hard to keep living like this. The last 3 years have been bad and with no end in sight, I'm starting to lose hope.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

He isn't moving past it because your not helping. I know you think you are but your not. You had an A yet you think its ok to have privacy. WRONG. You hide the A, and your not open. Its maybe the most important thing in trying to "R".

You have to carry the load, and from what I'm getting, you just want him to "get over it already" that's the wrong attitude.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Actually, my initial reaction was that I wanted my privacy. After it was discussed, I agreed and we came to a compromise we could both live with. Which was that he could have full access to my phone but my diary app was off limits. I have owned up to everything. I don't place the blame anywhere but myself. I am remorseful. I try to help. I try to reassure. I even send him pics of me at my moms or dads house when I'm there (it's usually only for a few hours). I do not have a "get over it already" attitude but it's not getting better or any easier. I don't really care how long it takes if we seemed to be making progress but it doesn't seem like we are and I don't know what to do.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Oh man. I can see why.

Its not a compromise situation, you've broken his trust in the worst way. You can either be TOTALLY open (this means if he wants to see the dairy let him) or you will continue to earn his distrust. He may not even want to see or read it, but your unwillingness to allow it tells him that your still hiding stuff. In this words mean nothing, at one point you said forsake all others those words meant nothing to you so why should they mean something to him now? Your actions say "I don't trust you, and I have secrets" while your words say "trust me, I'm telling you everything". You have to see the problem here.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Any suggestions on what else I can do?

Well the first thing is to Stop being defensive. It sets him back. Was he suspicious of you before the affair?


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2492 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

My diary is my private thoughts. His biggest concern is that I am in contact with my ex. I don't mind him going through anything else. He does not see a problem with it. I have full access to his phone as well, always have, with the exception of his notepad. Because that is where he writes his private thoughts. I have been told, on this forum, that I am entitled to keep a personal journal. Mine just happens to be on my phone. So, I don't see why my diary would be a big issue in our trying to R if he doesn't see a problem with it.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

No, he was never really suspicious of my A. He knew my ex and I were close friends. I think he had some suspicions because of the history I had with my ex but never really suspected the A. I try very hard not to be defensive and I have gotten better with it. I notice now when I am starting to get defensive and stop myself. Our fights are really bad. My BH has a temper problem so I find it hard not to get defensive at times but I guess I can try harder.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Well... standard rule of thumb is 2-5 years assuming no new hurts.

It''s sucks to hear, but when you broke NC about a year ago, you may have reset the clock all the way back. Why did you feel entitled to respond?


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

I don't think I felt entitled to respond. I felt there was some unresolved issues that both myself and my FAP needed to get out. I took the coward way out when I ended my A. I didn't exactly tell my AP that it was over. I couldn't hurt him so I just changed my # and blocked him off everything. I was a coward at the time. I felt if I broke it off, he would convince me to stay. I was very weak when it came to him. When he reached out to a friend on Facebook, I felt it necessary to give him an explanation, give him the answers to the questions he had so that we could both move on and so that I could tell him that it is not ok to contact me or try to contact me through anyone I know. I told my BH about him reaching out before I responded. The only reason it took me 3 days to tell him that I responded is because we really didn't see each other in those days. I told him first chance I got. He demanded to see the conversation so I showed it to him. I can see how that can be a set back but it wasn't better before I responded and it hasn't worsened since. Just seems to be the same before and after.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

So, I don't see why my diary would be a big issue in our trying to R if he doesn't see a problem with it.

I used to keep a diary as well...question, did you ask or tell him you do not wanting him reading the diary or did he come up with this on his own?

My BH told me under no uncertain terms that I gave up any right to privacy when I had an A. If he wanted to see my diary he would look. If he wanted to see my Facebook he would look. Hell if he wanted to watch me poop he would unlock the door and do so(he's never done this but this is the exact example he gave me)
My question for you is honestly, if your private thoughts are things you feel you need to keep your BH from reading or hearing himself from you, are they really thoughts you need to be having in the first place? Maybe you need to do some soul searching and figure out why you have thoughts you would want to keep secret from your spouse.

Looking back at my old journal, no private thought that I had was productive to a life as a good person or productive toward a good safe healthy marriage.


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I did tell him that I really didn't want him reading my diary, the same way he didn't want me to read his notepad. He then told me that he does agree that I am entitled to have a place to vent, write my thoughts and have that as my private space. He knows I do a lot of venting on stupidness in my diary as he does the same so he was completely understanding that I wanted my diary as my own private space. He has absolutely no problem with that.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
gotmylifeback
Member
Member # 32693
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I agree that your BS' s healing clock was probably reset a year ago when you reached out to your ex. Your ex does not deserve any explanation. Even if you felt you needed some type of closure. You went out of your way to contact your ex. But, have you been going out of your way to help your spouse heal? Are either of you in IC or MC?

I also think that electronic devices like a phone or computer should not have certain things, apps, folders, etc that are off limits to your BS. There should not be any secrets. Especially after you reached out to your ex. Did you write out what you wanted to say to your ex in your diary app? As a BS, that would be my first thought.


Her-Unremorseful, Wayward ex wife
Me-No longer a betrayed husband

Happily remarried.

"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall


Posts: 597 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: between Oz and Wonderland
Lostinthismess
Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:20 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I felt there was some unresolved issues that both myself and my FAP needed to get out.

This is part of the problem. You felt something for the AP. You had already walked away. You didn't owe him anything. You owe your BH everything. But you still gave something to the AP. Clock started over, and any trust or respect that had been earned was lost and maybe even less than before. If my fwh did any other other than delete a message sent by OW, it's a deal breaker.

I can understand the diary thing to an extent, but fwiw, my fwh also gave me access to his journal because he had nothing to hide. What's in the journal that you don't what him to read? Maybe that's a starting point. Are you missing the AP still?

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 12:20 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I felt he did deserve an explanation. I felt that I had to stand up to him for once. Something I had never done before. I knew that if I didn't request that he no longer contact me or try to contact me, that it was just a matter of time before he tried again. I needed him to hear from me that I didn't want to have anything to do with him and I was extremely rude about it. I did not write what I wanted to say out in anything before I said it. I just said it. Again, my husband has no problem at all with me keeping my diary private.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Apple3point14
Member
Member # 39035
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Why do you keep calling him your ex? Sounds like you still have feelings. In other threads you have called him my AP. sounds present and welcome in your mind, if not in your life.

The fact that you talked to OM to get some things off your chest concerns me. he is a cancer to your H and marriage and you aren't acting like it.. It doesn't seem like a very safe environment for your husband. I imagine that's why he is "paranoid". Even though it sounds his fear is justified


Posts: 81 | Registered: Apr 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Are you in IC? MC? Have you read anything about infidelity, like "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair?"

If my H had tried to have some kind of privacy post-Dday, and contacted the AP to get any kind of closure, I don't know what I'd do. Not the best choices, that is for sure. And, worse yet, you don't seem to see that.

I (gently) still hear quite a bit of ego, entitlement, and self-centeredness in your post. How are you helping him heal?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1946 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Hisbunnyonly
Member
Member # 38414
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I needed him to hear from me that I didn't want to have anything to do with him

why did you NEEDhim to hear anything from you?

gently, you are still thinking very selfishly. about your needs....your privacy....what about your BS's needs?

Again, my husband has no problem at all with me keeping my diary private.

i don't think you are understanding that the concern with this is that you feel you need to keep something private from your BS.....if what you write in the diary is just venting about "stupid stuff" then why could this not be shared with your BS. or at least given the option if he wanted to see. why would "stupid venting" need to be kept private? you say that you don't write about your AP in there, but i believe what gotmylifeback was trying to explain to you is your BS has no way of knowing that and i promise you that any sign of hiding anything (i don't want you to look at this) brings the A back in his mind.

[This message edited by Hisbunnyonly at 10:01 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 75 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: TN
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I felt he did deserve an explanation

No, he deserved nothing. Not a damn thing.

Your husband deserves everything. By you corresponding with your AP, getting angry about him and your cousin, being upset that your husband hates him, thinking about your AP, you are continually putting your AP first before your husband. No wonder you aren't making progress.

It sounds as if you want your husband to rug sweep, you want to rush his healing, yet you aren't doing anything to help him heal. You do sound very entitled still. Until you get out of that mindset, you won't progress.

I highly recommend. Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
pointofnoreturn
Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I'm going to suggest something weird, so I don't know if I'll have people sick pitchforks after me but...why not invest in a physical journal?

Let's look at the situation: your H doesn't trust you, you broke NC and didn't even ask him how HE felt about contacting your AP and did it anyways, and his mind is most likely jumping to worse case scenario because of broken NC. Yet, he grants you access to a personal journal.

So imagine if you had zero trust in a person and they are typing away on their phone. His mind is probably instantly going to assume "Is she texting him again?" He could ask, but he can't verify this is what you're actually doing. So he'd have to just trust you...which won't go over so well considering things.

There's a popular phrase, "Trust, but verify." Right now your H has no trust and no way to verify to gain any kind of trust. If he saw you writing in a journal, he can verify that you are doing just that, therefore he's able to trust you when you say you are writing an entry.

Hopefully I'm making sense here but I think it'll help your H be more at ease, and THEN when you are using your phone to say text a girlfriend, you can proudly show that you are being honest with access to the phone.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

This is part of the problem. You felt something for the AP. You had already walked away. You didn't owe him anything. You owe your BH everything.

This. We need to consider how every action will affect our BS.

With AP#1, it ended very abruptly. AP#1 is a family member, and in a vacuum, I'd get some closure. But I'm not in a vacuum. For me to help my BW, I cannot contact AP, cannot worry about AP. Contacting her would be purely out of a sense of entitlement.

BTW, this is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time. The folks here make it seem like that will get easier, but not ever go away completely. I can live with that.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

As a BS I would view you contacting the AP as D-Day 2. I would view it that you put the needs of you and your AP, once again, ahead of Me and I would not trust you. It would be a total clock reset for Me.

What are you doing to figure out why you cheated?


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
Actionsoverwords
Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I don't think it's normal and it's a sign of how our minds work thinking that it is normal.

I do not profess to be an angel nor am I able to not be defensive, but I know in my heart that things will never be the same after a betrayal.

I miss the innocence of our relationship early on, I miss my wife's hugs and kisses, I miss her telling me that she loves me.

My advice? Try not to be defensive and keep working at your relationship. Maybe one day it will get better. That is my hope for you and my hope for all of us in this situation that we created for ourselves.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 239 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

You ask: shouldn't your BH be over your LTA by now?

I would ask: shouldn't YOU be over your AP by now? 4 years after the affair ended you still cared so much about AP's feelings that you were willing to betray your BH AGAIN by breaking NC.

And now one whole year after THAT, you still are justifying putting OM's feelings ahead of your BH's. You are still talking about what your AP is "owed", but no mention of what loyalty you owe your HUSBAND.

It's been 5 years and you still don't appear to be indifferent to your AP. Why is that?


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 261 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

No stop sign....soooo...

Your post in November contradicts a lot of what you have written here.

Just saying.....The contact you made was explained very differently than you have explained here.

Be honest with yourself...and your BH


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 767 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 26