Thanks so much for your input--I appreciate your time.
When we get along, we do talk about the As. He answers questions and doesn't get defensive, takes the blame, tries to help when I am triggering, and generally acts like a remorseful husband.
But when something happens that makes him angry, I feel like he reverts to the defensive, blame shifting unremorseful spouse he was during our 3 week false R after the first DDay in Sept. When he lied about everything.
He has always realized how terrible his reaction was every time this happens, but it takes a day or two. And I'm always panicking that the reaction won't end. That he will keep blaming me, and manipulating. And every time it happens, my heart sinks a little more. Because I wonder if maybe he is incapable of changing those behaviors.
When he acts like that, all I see is the entitlement that enabled him to have affairs in the first place, and I just fall apart.
I fully own my half of the marriage issues prior to the affairs. Sometimes, on bad days when my self-esteem is shot, I try to take more of the blame. At those times, he tells me, no. None of this is my fault. It was him, and him alone. But when we argue, he says something different.
I know I can't allow him to make me feel responsible.
Ugh. A lot of the fights seem to revolve around his fear of losing face with loved ones and/or friends? Either that or a fierce desire for privacy from other people? (He's been transparent with me..though we struggled to get there.)
Has anyone else experienced that?
I just feel so beaten down. I don't want to give up because we really have come so far and I really do love him and think the effort is worthwhile.....but sometimes it just feels hopeless.