SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Counseling ...
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I just approached my h about getting professional help. Like a marriage counselor, psychologist ... He is reluctant. Actually his words were, it does not have to involve me.

He will not even go to counseling with me. He will not do that for me.

Why would a cheating h not go to counseling with his wife? It is a never ending story with us. It just goes on and on and on ... I am going to explode!


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

(((livebythesea)))

That would be hard for me. This would seem to be at a minimum what a WS would do if remorseful. Perhaps he is afraid that some truth would be revealed?

I'm sorry.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Totally fear--of what he has to reveal to the counselor, of what the counselor would tell him about himself and about the hard work he would have to do to fix this. He is avoiding the consequences of his actions.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1334 | Registered: Aug 2010
livebythesea
Member
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I totally agree with you guys. I know that! But I am pushing. He is now getting defensive, the oh not that again... I'm cornering him and he does not like that. I will eventually get the truth out of this man, it may cost us our marriage, but I will get there. No trust, no marriage.


HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

IMO, a lot of people cheat in order to avoid facing their pain. They avoid C for the same reason - if they're honest in C, they have to face their pain.

But if they don't face it, they're at high risk for betraying someone again.

I think C for the WS needs to be an absolute requirement for R. JMO, of course.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

At first (before I had the truth) my H would go to MC but not IC. I think he knew that I would protect him from hard questions but he was afraid to go alone. I remember one day after the IC insisted he see H alone, he was crying and shaking... What did I do? Tried to "fix" it! Such a dummy.
After final DDay he willingly went to IC.
I'm not saying it's the same situation with you guys but I'm betting it's fear of some sort. He made this mess, he needs to put on his big boy boots and be brave enough to face himself now!

((Hugs))


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Sisoon is dead on! And it must be a requirement


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
yousaid4ever
Member
Member # 32626
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Totally fear--of what he has to reveal to the counselor, of what the counselor would tell him about himself and about the hard work he would have to do to fix this. He is avoiding the consequences of his actions.

^^THIS^^. I can so relate. My last DD was 3 yrs ago.

MY WH refused counseling for 4 years. Two years ago he agreed to go to a porn addiction class/group. He worked a lot on FOO issues and it still took a year for him to admit he was an addict and his issues stemmed from childhood FOO abuse and abandonment.

He really liked the counselor that headed the group and started to have IC about 8 months ago. He just barely agreed to MC with same counselor.

IMO, a lot of people cheat in order to avoid facing their pain. They avoid C for the same reason - if they're honest in C, they have to face their pain.
But if they don't face it, they're at high risk for betraying someone again.

I think C for the WS needs to be an absolute requirement for R. JMO, of course

IC told him that he is more afraid of committing and failing then not committing and failing. WH was told that FEAR affects almost every area of his life.

If he hadn't started working on himself, I was prepared to divorce him because he had no remorse, was defensive and had kept referring to his infidelities as "inappropriate behavior". During this time, I also was in the group, as a spouse of a porn addict, and really worked on my healing.

WH still has a lot of fear and is VERY SLOW in processing what he needs to do to save our marriage. Even though he has started to 'get it', I don't know how far or how fast he will progress. I've got my ducks in a row, am no longer afraid of being on my own and will divorce him if he doesn't keep progressing.


I took your words and I believed
In everything you said to me
Cause you said forever
And ever, who knew?......Pink

BS(me)55...STBXWH 55
Married 37 yrs/4 grown children, 5 grandchildren
DD's-10/75; 10/80; 09/92; 12/09; 12/10; 03/11...more?


Posts: 75 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Utah
Topic Posts: 8