SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Just Found Out
User Topic: Details! Why?
sparkle09
Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I am having a hard time dealing with the details my husband admitted to me. I thought I wanted to know but as soon as he told me I knew I would have been bette off not knowing. Why why why would he tell me they had anal sex? I cant get the mental picture out of my head. A message to you all..really think about what details you really want to know.

[This message edited by sparkle09 at 8:50 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jan 2014
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Ugh, Sparkle, that's awful.

My wh gave me a sexual detail once I didnt even ask for and it hurt so bad. He did it to be mean. Asshole.

I'm sorry. Yes, your absolutely right. We really need just the basics.

I'm sorry.

hugs,,,,,,


Posts: 553 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Yikes. Sorry! I hope you can distract yourself from this image with something you can get pleasure out of--any small thing that will make you briefly happy. Making your favorite cup of tea? Watching a favorite movie? However I know it's so hard to control.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
sparkle09
Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

He tried to not tell me he really did! I can be pretty relentless...he told me I could be an interrogator for the CIA!

[This message edited by sparkle09 at 9:31 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jan 2014
Lola88
Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I needed all the details too Sparkle and yes, the mind movies are killing me but I'm still glad I now have the truth in full. My imagination was filling the gaps anyway........

Know that no matter how much you interrogate, he made those choices.

Look after yourself (((hugs)))


Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Yes the info hurts. However, your imagination can run wild, better to know the facts and deal with them. For me, I didn't want them to have any secrets. Nothing of theirs against me. So he had to spill it all. Others don't need all the details and that is ok too. Whatever you need, get. Let the rest ride.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2941 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

However, your imagination can run wild, better to know the facts and deal with them.

This..

I started off asking simple questions about the hotel room nights. A few days later I asked more detailed questions. It was hard for me to ask the questions sometimes, because I knew I would be stirring up memories. But I had to know because in my head they were WAY worse then what happened those nights.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 390 | Registered: Dec 2013
MercifulH
New Member
Member # 42045
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I'm going to have to disagree. I felt much worse when my BS was hiding the details to try and make me feel better. In fact, I want to know the details. I want to know everything, where it happened, what position, how long they lasted, how long they laid beside each other afterward, how intimate they were. I believe it is much better to get all the details on the table and move forward without leaving anything to the imagination. That's just me, and maybe I have issues, but I felt better the more details she gave me.


Me - BS 27
Her - WW 26 (Neveragain1221)
Started Dating 12/08/07
Married 04/03/12
D-day#1 05/02/12 Gaslighting, Rugsweeping
D-day#2 01/03/14 Confrontation about D-day#1, got confession
4 year EA and PA, TT, Affair began less than 1 year after we

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Minnesota
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I think you will process this eventually, and do fine. But, it may be a bit of a lesson that you should sit on a question for a while before asking. . . a lot of us learn that the hard way. Don't pain shop.

ETA:
Everyone is different in terms of what they need to know, and when. Be patient with yourself, and don't rush it. I would hear this chorus of people here on SI claiming to need to know everything right away, which made me feel pressured. Do what works for you.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:04 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1884 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Its also about getting the WS to release the secrets and get the information out in the open. That way, the romance of the A dies. When you know the details, it changes them for the WS. Makes them associated with your pain, rather than the A romance.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Stillhurting2
New Member
Member # 42191
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I just found out that my spouse has been having an 8 month affair. He wants to protect me by not letting me know everything. I see that as a way for him to keep lying to me. So I investigate everything he does or has done. He told me he never gave FOP any presents. Just found out her sent her roses for Valentines Day last year. To me the only way to move forward is to know it all.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Mhiimg65
Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I just asked my WS if he was wearing his ring when they F**cked. He replaced my ring with his father''s wedding ring which he inherited. I never got a wedding ring, but he did. I have both his mothers and my mothers. His mother was a BS too. How sad. The ring I gave him was one I gave him when we dated . I don''t know how long it has been since he wore it. I sadly hadn''t noticed.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Mhiimg65
Member
Member # 41951
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I just asked my WS if he was wearing his ring when they F**cked. He replaced my ring with his father''s wedding ring which he inherited. I never got a wedding ring, but he did. I have both his mothers and my mothers. His mother was a BS too. How sad. The ring I gave him was one I gave him when we dated . I don''t know how long it has been since he wore it. I sadly hadn''t noticed.


" He paved paradise and put up a parking lot"
BS - me
WS- him
married 26 years, together since kids
D- Day Jan 4 2014
PMA- starting this moment
R - in MC. WH is in IC

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
sparkle09
Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, January 24th (Friday)

My WS is not allowed to wear his ring! I threw it I've the fence but he found it! I said that ring touched her body and means nothing to you so don't wear it.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jan 2014
mystified1970
Member
Member # 36291
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Sparkle, this is a tough one but the mind movies will ease over time.

I needed and still need to know every detail. He took me with him into those situations. He took OUR life into it. I need to know every single thing that happened that tore our family to shreds.

This past December I used a restore software on an SD card and have now seen photos of one of the whores he was with. For a few days it haunted me but it's getting better.

As I understand it, some people don't want to know those details. Maybe for you it's better to leave the details out and just know it happened?

Wishing you peace in this journey to healing.


heavy sigh

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Asia
totallyconfused1
Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I'm not sure I'd be able to handle too many details.

I have some, but really it's fairly new so I don't think the details I would get from my questions would be the full disclosure anyways. And I don't know if I'm in a place right now to handle more. Kwim?

Right now I'm in the stage where I'm not believing anything he says, so I think it's pointless for me to try and get more answers than I already have.

And no matter what, do you really think they are telling the truth 100%? Is your ws going to say, yes, her boobs were greater than yours, or yes, she was a way better kisser than you and her ass was much tighter. No. I think they will still hold back some to protect your feelings.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2014
Crazyman642
New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I am one of those need the details people. I feel before I can make a decision on how to move forward I need the truth. One small problem, what happens when you don't believe you have gotten the truth? I feel stuck. WS says she has told me everything which I am pretty sure isn't true. Trying to figure out how to move on...


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
Gman1
Member
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Having the details is very hard for me as well. After D-day, I had what I called the Roulette wheel spinning inside my head. It constantly turned and when it stopped it landed on a particular thought, question or image. It never stopped spinning from the moment I woke up in the morning until I finally fell asleep at night. It was torture and lasted continuously for about six weeks. Anyways, what my mind conjured up was horrible and my imagination ran wild. So I had to ask details because knowing the truth was better than what my mind would make up on its own. I wish I didn't know a few things but if I hadn't asked my mind would still be filling in the blanks which was even more awful. Some of the details still haunt me as I now see them as images but I will eventually get over this with time. I am sorry you had to endure this and it will be better one day in time. I promise!

Posts: 206 | Registered: Oct 2013
HighSticked
New Member
Member # 41557
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Didn't I hear a quote from The Italian Job, "the devil is in the details". Don't know if I want them either


Madhatters
I broke her heart and spirit in Jan, 2010.
She broke my heart in Nov 2013.
DD - 16
DS - 14
DD - 12
DS - 8
Wanting to R but doubtful it will work

Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Western USA
william
Member
Member # 41986
Frustrated  Posted: 11:38 AM, January 24th (Friday)

im struggling with this. want to know, feel i need to know in order to come to acceptance of what happened, but scared sh*tless that the details kill me.
afraid to find out now while im already reeling. afraid to find out later because it reopens it all when ive finally started to heal.
afraid to never find out and never get closure.

i dont know. god, its a tough question. do i really want to know what she did with whom and how often.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 528 | Registered: Jan 2014
foolishlycluless
Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Crazyman, I'm with you. I don't necessarily want ALL of the gory details, but I want sufficient detail to know whether or not he is telling me the truth.

I feel stuck too. I don't think that WH has told me everything, and I can't move forward.


BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
Flourgirl
Member
Member # 40937
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

I had to have the details. My imagination was killing me. It made me sick at first but it's been easier knowing. It takes time to absorb everything.


BS me 39
WH him 40
Dd 7/1/13. TT 7/22/13
SAHM with 4 wonderful kids

Posts: 185 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Kansas City
Stillhurting2
New Member
Member # 42191
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 7th (Monday)

I have asked him many times why he did it and if it was really over why did he continue to see her even though there was no sex involved and all I can get out of him is I do not know why I did it. He was working out of town. He tells me it was just about the sex. The hard time I am having is that he bought her kids equipment for sports. He took them to practice and picked them up attended games. He bought her daughter glasses and a bike for her birthday and was gripping every time i needed money for things where i was at. I have a few goods days and then i explode with rage. Trying to reconcile, but it is harder than I thought it would be. Just can't get past the roses at valentine's day. He won't talk about details of anything. He just says she was a sex object and that he was just playing along to keep the sex. I said that is was costly supporting two families, mine and his whore. I am debating whether to have the texting records pulled. Does anyone know how difficult that is?

Married 29 yrs
Affair lasted 8 mos.
D-date 7/7/13
started reconciling Jan. 2014


Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Swaying
New Member
Member # 41447
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I'm currently working on a list of questions that I want answered in our formal full disclosure session.
When I first found out, there was some hysterical bonding. That didn't last long because if the mental images. I completly freaked and raged on WH screaming questions about positions, taste, smells, etc.
I can't touch him without a flood of questions and images.
Part of me wants to put light on every detail so it can no longer be in the dark and no longer jump out and scare the crap out of me.
Part of me thinks I might want to put WH's face through a wall.


Me: BS-34
Him: WS-43
Together 4 yrs, married 2
2 kids: DS-3, DD-18 months
First STD: 38wks preg w DS.
Second STD: July/August 2013
DDAY 1: Nov 5, 2013 admitted to ONS
DDAY 2: Nov 23, 2013. LTA is preg. W twins. Due June 2014.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2013
krispy47
Member
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

I wish that I had been giving a choice about hearing details or not. OW shoved them down my throat to hurt me, anonymously sending me a link to her Tumblr page with doozens of photos, and then sent me email (which I SHOULD NOT have read, but did. My own dumb fault.).

Since then, my WH has actually been helpful with this. When I ask him a "detail" question, his first response -- which we agreed upon -- is always, "Why do you want to know that particular thing?"

This has helped me differentiate between details that I need because they de-mystify and de-glamorize the A, or shed light on our own relationship, or clarify something else that I remember or worry about, and those that are just pain shopping.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
staystrong101
Member
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, April 8th (Tuesday)

Sparkle - I posted my comment on the wrong topic! That's what I get for multitasking. Sorry for your pain. I know it's so difficult. Here's what I meant to say to you:
It's awful, all of this! My perspective is a little different though. I needed to know the truth. I agree with momentintime - better to know the facts and deal with it than to always wonder what really happened. I met my XWH out to talk 4 times after DDAy. He begged me not to D him. I told him the only way we could get through this is if he told me the truth. I was willing to try to work things out. Every time we met, he told me "That's it, now I've told you everything." But the next time, more of the story came out. (This is trickle truth??) I knew then that I had no choice but to divorce him. He was lying to me, and still protecting the OW. I knew I could never trust my WH again if he did not come clean and tell me the truth. Our D was final in Jan. I have never regretted my decision to D him. I deserve to find someone who values me, respects me and loves me. I don't want to be with someone who lies to me, cheats on me, and makes a fool of me. My 4 children have all told me, separately, how much they admire me for having the courage to walk away. I know everyone is different, but I'm not sure why someone wouldn't want to know the truth. It's all very painful, but not knowing the details doesn't mean their behavior didn't happen.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 26