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User Topic: Why would she keep having sex with me and him?
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I found out my wife of 13 years is having an affair.

We had been having problems for the past 3 years, she would be very violent and abusive toward me. I shut down and told her I wanted out of the marriage and asked to tell me if she wanted the same.

I asked her to let me know if before starting a new relationship with anyone else and not to be intimate with me if she did.

She met another married man with 3 children and have been carrying on with him for the past two years.

I asked her why would she be sleeping with both of us and not just choose one and let me go.

She said to me that she still loved me and wanted to find the connection when we first met.

That sex with him was okay, but empty, while with me it made her furious...



Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

simply, she could. Mine did the same thing.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5386 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

To answer your question: because she's a cake eater. She wants the comfort of having you around, but she likes the thrill of him.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
totalheartbreak
Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

I'm so sorry suchislife01...

I don't know the answers but find myself in a similar boat. :-(

Take care of yourself. Eat/sleep/focus on a hobby.

Read the healing library at the top left.

See if your WW wants to get into MC/IC to figure out the why but be prepared to never know the answer... :-(


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)

"Sacrifice is a choice you make, loss is a choice made for you."

"The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference."

“Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace”


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
TXBW68
Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Mine was "in lurve" with #3 for more than 2 years, yet he stayed with me and never stopped having sex with me. Then he was "in lurve" with #4 for 3 months before I found out about her and we separated.

We are reconciled now. But I have asked him what #3 and #4 thought about him continuing to have sex with me while he was "in lurve" with them. He said that it was never an issue. They expected him to continue being physical with me.

Bottom line - They are all broken. We can't understand their mindset because we are not broken. Sometimes, we just have to give up trying to understand their brokenness and take care of ourselves.

((hugs))


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Because you are present to be her backup. While she is married to you, she has a certain standard of living, of chores being done, of give-and-take for running errands, child care, social obligations, etc. With the OM there''s the fantasy excitement, the pretending that you are Romeo & Juliet and but for circumstance - you would have it all! The appeal of always seeing someone that says the right things, does the right things, and is glossy and never farts. Getting to go to the Ball (pun definitely intended) with the Prince every time.

It''s totally selfish. Dog in the manger. You see, you become Plan B, the backup, in case things don''w work out, the "known" quality, while she gets to search out Romance! Lurve! Excitement! Thrills! STDs! And all that other fairy-land bull.

She will string you along, with minimal gestures, for as long as YOU allow it. Yank the rug out from under her. Because until you do, she will be only too happy to let things go on as they are, no matter how much pain it gives you.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4550 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Thank you guys for your replies.

DDay was January 13, I had stayed home to do some catch up paperwork when she was out taking the kids to school and left her phone charging.

Her phone rang and the number calling was an out of state number that had several txt messages saved.

I read those and in them she was really using terms of endearment toward the OM and in one of them she asked him how was his Christmas, and if he got the presents he wanted. That if he was nice, maybe he would get lucky to open her present....

My whole world collapsed.

In 2010 the company I worked for when bankrupt, I had to take a job with a company that paid a bit less in terms of dollars but almost required twice the hours.

We have three children 13, 11, and 9, so I went to work to pay the mortgage and support the family. I have been working long hours since then, and she told me I became distant and pulled away, in that she is right. I did only focused in working hard to keep it together financially.

She tells me that she felt, abandoned, neglected, and rejected by me. That every time that she told me to work less hours I would get angry. I would get angry because she would not help me keep the budget, she would continue to spend like before I had been laid off.

Well, we became insulting and disrespectful to each other to the point that I would stop talking to her.

I must admit there were time after fighting she would cry and I would approach to console her and she would lash out at me, I would not insists and would tell her to go screw her self.

I became jaded and bitter.

From when we met, things were much more different. We were both in excellent shape, in my teens and early twenties I had been bodybuilding and was something of a ladies man. She was very sexy and even after three children she has kept the same weight and shape as when we first met.

I am 5'11" and when I met her was 220 Lbs of very lean muscle, and stayed petty much that way until about 3 years ago when I went up to 290 lbs with most of my weight going to my gut.

At the beginning and up until my layoff we were very loving and intense with each other, very sexual and intimate with one another.

I started going back to the gym back in November of 2013 and I am currently down to 255 Lbs. My old shape is fast coming back and that has made me feel real good.

This thing though, has destroyed my heart and ego. By nature I am a very competitive man, and cannot fathom being second to this guy.

I asked her to tell me everything and to give it to me straight, no holds barred thinking that she would spare my feelings of hurt. I told her I need to know everything and every detail.

After a day, we sat down and talked, she told me she felt lost, and abandoned by me. That she found the OM attractive and that she liked him. I asked him what is it that she liked about him, she told me that she like the idea of getting fixed up and dolled up for him, but after being with him she would feel ashamed and disgusted with herself. That many times she would have to leave and ask herself what the hell she was doing when she had her husband at home.

I had her tell me about the sexual positions, and what they talked about. I asked her if she had made plans with him for the future and she said no.

From what she told me, the guy is not even close to the man that I am, but that made it even worst for me because it made me rage inside. How could she go for someone so freaking inferior than me I thought.

In a fit of controlled anger, I told her to give me his number, she did and I called the OM. He didn't answer, but in front of her I said "Hey Peter, this is Charles, you can keep my whore" left the message and hung up.

She started to cry uncontrollably, telling me how much shame she felt and if that was really necessary for me to do. I said to her, yes, that was necessary for me to do, so you and him know I will not be anyone's second choice, and will not take his sloppy seconds.

I took the children to my mother-in-law and left them with her a few days, picking them up and taking them to school while the rest of the story trickle out of her.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 8:19 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
Merlin
Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Many waywards use existing, faithful spouses as some sort of safety net. They seem to believe that if things don't go well with the affair partner that they can just return to the marriage as though nothing happened.

Meanwhile, the faithful spouse gets all the 'joys' of marriage - children cared for, bills paid, house safe, clean and repaired, finances managed - all the mundane things that make married life work while the wayward enjoys 'new love' (ick).

For me, being safety net and training wheels were not part of the marriage vows I loved my now ex-wife desperately. But when she refused to drop OM, I filed the same day.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Hi suchislife01,
Welcome to SI. Sorry you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs. I wish I had found this site so close to Dday, like you did, but I did not find it until 1 1/2 yrs later. I would have done things much differently . You will find a lot of support, comfort, & wisdom here, because we all know exactly how you feel, & have BTDT. Also, even tho each person's situation is slightly different with different details, there are common dynamics with all cheaters.

Your WW ended your marriage by what she did. If you both want to rebuild a new marriage, she has to go completely no contact with POSOM. Together you should write a No Contact letter to OM & then mail it. It should say something like:
Dear OM,
Becoming involved with you was the worst mistake of my life. I love suchislife01, & am completely committed to him. Never contact me again.
Mrs. suchislife01

If you don't like that version, you can ask others on here: there have been many other good versions on here before.

Your WW must be completely honest & transparent---give you all of her passwords. There should be no more secrets between you.
She needs to write you a timeline of everything that happened. You will need this timeline in order to process the betrayal---otherwise, you will always wonder if you know everything & it will be more difficult to learn to trust her again.
Also, if you can, MC can help a lot, if you have a good MC.
Best of luck to you. Keep reading & posting on here----it will help you a lot.
Sending you strength.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, January 24th (Friday)

mchercheur,

Thank you.

Right now the emotions are very raw, and the roller coaster is making living a very hell on earth.

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.

I hate surprises, since as far as I can remember I have hated surprises.

If I was going to have sex outside the marriage, I would just end the marriage and advice her as painful as it were what and why I was doing such.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 24th (Friday)

There's nothing like cake-eating. Talk to an attorney immediately. You owe that to yourself.

Posts: 272 | Registered: May 2010
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 24th (Friday)

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.

suchislife01,

My WW did the same thing. It's call compartmentalization. They have their fantasy man on the side and then they have the stable comfortable man at home. They separate the two and justify it in their own minds. Yes, it's fucked up and hard to understand. You echo the questions I have asked myself so many times. You may or may not find those answers. It's up to your WW to figure that out and explain it to you, without blameshifting or justifying it by manipulating you.

You'll get through this hell on earth I promise. At the beginning its very difficult. But as time passes you will get back some sense of normalcy. In the meantime I suggest you take your time to get yourself grounded again. You don't have to make any decisions really but getting some advice from a lawyer and taking care of yourself is priority number one.

You will get through this.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1018 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 24th (Friday)

suchislife01,
There is a Betrayed Men thread in the "I Can Relate" Forum that will probably be a big help to you also.
Also, I forgot to mention before, but you (& WW, if you intend to stay together) need to get tested for STDs. Yep, we have all BTDT. This is the torture our WSs have brought into our lives.
What you are feeling right now is normal.
Believe me, I am 2 1/2 years out, & it does get better with time. Our R is going well. But it is a real rollercoaster.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 10:31 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 24th (Friday)

2 other explanations, though I'm a BS, not a WS as you requested...

1) om could have threatened to out her if she stopped. The threats could be subtle or not.

2) It could be sort of a habit. Suppose your W refused sex at the start of a session, and then om says, 'But we had sex last time. Why not now?' Really - how's a fogged-up WS probably going to answer to that except with giving in?

3) WRT the NC letter, the WS can control only herself. She can ask the WS not to contact her, but the WS makes his own choices. A sample:

This is the last time I'll contact you. Please do not attempt to contact me in any way.

If the ap fishes, your WS needs to tell you ASAP, and together you decide how to respond - usually maintaining NC is best.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9729 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I'm a BS too but I thought I would share something I read on here that cleared it all up for me because I had the same burning question.

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time.

Quite simply the reason that she had sex with him was because that's what adults that are in emotional relationships do. It's the next step. That's why on a long enough timeline it always ends with a PA.

She probably kept doing it with you so you wouldn't find out about the other guy.

My wife met her OM one time in person. After that time she didn't want to have sex with me. She finally folded because she knew if she didn't I would catch her. She was right, her initial reluctance was a dead giveaway. In the 19 years we had been married not one single time did she say she "I don't want to". She has said she didn't feel like it before but never "I don't want to".

That's exactly how I caught my wife. I am sure yours didn't want that to happen.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 341 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
phoenixrise
Member
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I hate that...so common...the old I loved you the whole time...well then what's your definition of love shouldn't respect come with it? And if thats what you call love I dont want it. I agree cake eater...it really does suck realizing they are not what you thought them to be...thier capability to do this is just mind blowing...still blows my mind as to how my WH was fine with putting my sexual health in danger....what can be so important than putting another before my very life...first step is getting tested and take her with you like I did mine so she can ponder her gull and the realities of it all....sorry you have been put through this


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 212 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Your job situation did not cause her to cheat.
The distance between you did not cause her to cheat.
The stress, disrespect, and fighting did not cause her to cheat.
Your weight fluctuation did not cause her to cheat.

Nothing you did, didn't do, said, didn't say... NOTHING you did made her cheat. Nothing made her lie. Nothing made her do anything. Her actions, her choices are 100% completely entirely and wholly on her. Period. Don't accept any blame shifting on that point, from her OR from yourself. Understood?

((((suchislife))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24376 | Registered: Aug 2011
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, January 24th (Friday)

simply, she could.

I think 64fleet got it right off the bat. Your wife has already proven she is capable of screwing around. If she can do that AND still drag you along with no consequences, that''s a perfect world - in her fucked up head.

Why are you waiting for her to decide the marriage is over? You get a say in this too. Are you okay with her continuing like this? Of course you''re not - that''s why you''re here - so what should the consequences be? What are you prepared to do about this?


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
TrulyReconciled
Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 24th (Friday)

suchis - Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

I'm catching a whiff of that and I've been through it (with my FWW).

You also said she has been "very violent and abusive toward you."

People who are messed up enough to be "very violent and abusive" toward someone they are supposed to love are capable of almost anything. Can you add to that description?

TR

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 12:07 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20879 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 24th (Friday)

You said OM is married. Have you told his wife about the affair?

She deserves the truth too. She's being lied to, just like you were.


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1662 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I hope SHE gets really fat from all that cake eating.

Of course you get a say in things. You indicate you are competitive. This is one thing you can win by not jumping in to sleep with her.

And omg poor poor her, she is blaming you for being terrible and it's all your fault that you hurt her so much by being distant while you lost a great job and are working 3 times as much to support your family.

Boo hoo. I have zero sympathy for her and hopefully as you realize how she is playing you even now, you will lose sympathy too and detach so you can decide what is best for you and your kids.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I understand what you're getting at, I think.

For a BH, his wife having sex with two men during the same time periods is downright repugnant, revolting.

Men understand this much better than women, I think.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, January 24th (Friday)

T/j

How is it not revolting for a BW to find out her WH is sleeping with others while also sleeping with her?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36416 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I gotta pull the "its a male thing" card.

Surely, both are revolting, and terrible things to do.

However, if you assembled a group of men and women together and discussed their feelings with regard to the sex acts, I think you'd find men harbor a much greater deal of physical repulsion.

The image of another man ejaculating inside your wife (even with a condom in my case) is so vile and disgusting its hard to bear.

To continue a sex life with the husband while this is going on adds further disgust.


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
wifehad5
Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I've been around here a long time, and read a lot of stories. I'm pretty sure this isn't a male vs female thing. It sucks for all of us.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 36416 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Gentlemen-----no arguing. We are all on the same side.
It is nauseating for any BS to think of their WS being intimate with AP. I have literally vomited about it myself.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I''m sorry, but it really isn''t a male thing. It''s just a thing.

As a matter of fact, one of the people The Princess was going to cheat with in her threesome was a somewhat attractive woman - the type of thing I should have been dreaming of.

Didn''t fucking matter. It''s all just cheating.

Gotta admit, the whole girl-on-girl thing doesn''t turn me on like it used to - it actually triggers me. Do you have any idea how much porn that ruins?!?

Like mchercheur says: We''re all in this together.

[This message edited by pass at 2:37 PM, January 24th, 2014 (Friday)]


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I understand that your original question was 'how can SHE have sex with both OM and you'. What I think might be an interesting question to ask yourself is 'why do I still have sex with her, if she is still sexual with her affair partner?' I'm pretty positive that I would never willingly continue to be available as a sexual partner to my WH if I knew his infidelity was continuing. If you refused, are you thinking it would push her away?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 394 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 24th (Friday)

In a fit of controlled anger, I told her to give me his number, she did and I called the OM. He didn't answer, but in front of her I said "Hey Peter, this is Charles, you can keep my whore" left the message and hung up.

Excellent, just excellent. I think it is important that your W fully understand what she has become and how you view her. That does not mean its over or she can't change, but current behavior indicates those words are true.

OK...let dig in from the start...

1)Take good care of yourself. Lot's of water, stay away from the booze and work out like a mad mad. Your W no longer has you or your kids best interest at heart. Assume everything she tells you is a lie right now.

2) See a lawyer - You are from NJ and divorce there is brutal. Get down to the Menz thread and ask around.

3) Turn away from your W and towards yourself. You are on the beginning of a great journey filled with pain, loss and redemption. You are not in this together right now until she has proven it though actions to you.

4) Leave you W emotionally. Some people call it detaching. Don't be an ass, but you are the captian of your own ship and she is simply a serving wench. If she does not like that she can hit the road.

5) About those actions:
- NC - not once, not ever.
- If there is another BS call them and explain - be kind it sucks.
- She must agree to be completely honest with you -always If she turns in to a lying whore again tell her you will D her. She got her one chance.
- She must agree to you having passwords to all online, email and phone accounts. No more secretes for her.
- Anything else you want. I put mandatory sex and BJ's in mine. Find out if she really wants to stay M'd to you. There is nothing "equal" in your relationship anymore. Its just you and the chick that cheated on you. None of this is good long term relationship advice (very bad really) but you are no longer in a long term relationship until she stops acting like a spoiled little twat. If she agrees to all this and starts to tow the line, watch her carefully and look to see if she is remorseful. If she is, slowly easy of the petal and invite her back in...slowly....

6) Start to separate you money and don't tell her. Spreadsheet it all out. Get savings and checking accounts in your name, credit card, etc. Get ready to bolt.

7) Read, read, read. Here on SI and legally how men get served during D.

8) Forget calling it a mid-life crisis. Dye your hair, check. Buy a sports car, check. Smoke another dudes pole? I don't by it.

9) She needs to get into IC and figure out why she did this to herself. She did not do it to you, she is the one that is messed up and she needs to figure it out and then share it with you.
She will want to blame the M. She will want to blame you. Anyone but herself. The truth is, it is all on her. Did you hold her head while she was giving it? Nope. She made choices none of which was to break the M and enter into another healthy relationship. Don't fall for it. It ain't on you.

Listen this all sucks and there are at least as many ways to recover from this shit as there are people who go through it. The (un)fortunate truth is you need to figure out exactly who you are now, what you want and if you want her in the mix anymore. If you decide you want her in the mix, make dam sure you not only get what you want out of the relationship, but out of your life. Life is too short to spend with an ass-hat.

take care of yourself.....



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, January 24th (Friday)

t/j -

Gentlemen-----no arguing. We are all on the same side.
It is nauseating for any BS to think of their WS being intimate with AP. I have literally vomited about it myself.

Agreed with no arguing. That said, I was never nauseated by it. For some reason I never had mind movies or any of that crap. I think it was that I accepted pretty quickly that she turned into a childish ho. At that point she was not longer special to me. Just a ho.

I am glad she is not any more. I like her much better the way she is now...

take care...



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, January 24th (Friday)

suchislife, listen to Wert.

I just sent you a private message telling you a little about my journey and what finally made me decide to leave. I also gave you a link to the discussion that really got me going. Wert did a similar long post in there, and it was my wake-up call.

Like I said in the PM (makes you wonder why I said it in private if I''m going to say some of it here too!): "I won''t think any less of you if you don''t end your marriage, but I strongly encourage you to at least empower yourself by considering it."

The bottom line is: You deserve better.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, January 24th (Friday)

What I am looking for right now is for WS to tell me how is it that they can have sex with their husband and the other man at the same time. How can they live with themselves doing that, for whatever reasons.

I understand that. I wanted to know it. I recommend this - don't try to understand crazy ass behavior. You can line up WS from here to China, including my W, many of whom are excellent people, who have learned from transgressions and wrongs and changed there ways, and the will all tell you various reasons for there actions. I say fuck 'em on that point. They did it because something deep in them needed something sick. Something not real to fill a hole in themselves. Many of them patch the hole and turn out better than most people I know. The truth is I don't want to look into that dark corner. I don't want to know the sickness...the can live it.

The only person you need to know why from is your W. If she ever figures it out - its a lot of work - she needs to tell you. Your job is to listen and figure out if she is full of shit or not.

take are of yourself man...get down to the menz thread.



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 24th (Friday)

You can line up WS from here to China, including my W, many of whom are excellent people, who have learned from transgressions and wrongs and changed there ways, and the will all tell you various reasons for there actions. I say fuck 'em on that point. They did it because something deep in them needed something sick. Something not real to fill a hole in themselves. Many of them patch the hole and turn out better than most people I know. The truth is I don't want to look into that dark corner. I don't want to know the sickness...the can live it.

Yes. The bold part I think is particularly apt.

Slight t/j: That being said, as a BW, and I realize this is unprovable, individual and possibly sexist, but I often wonder if it is harder for BH to recover from idea of the actual sex act than BW. As a woman, there can be a sense of defilement that I am not sure it translatable for men.

It is surely misogynistic to say, but while the idea of my H having sex with someone else hurts, digusts and repulses me, if I had sex with another man, there is sort of, perhaps antiquated, idea that I would be tainted, somehow. As women we are vessels that carry human life, and my (very biased) feeling is that there should be a sacredness to our bodies. I don't think men vilify their bodies after they have an affair, feel "dirty", etc., and I have heard from one WW here on SI that she couldn't bear to see her own body after the affair. So, I do wonder if it is different, at least for some people.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:11 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I do, actually think it is easier for WW than WH to "double-dip" so to say, as they can "fake it." My H couldn't, and he had his first experience of ED.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1738 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Thank you for all the great replies!

I gotta pull the "its a male thing" card.

Surely, both are revolting, and terrible things to do.

However, if you assembled a group of men and women together and discussed their feelings with regard to the sex acts, I think you'd find men harbor a much greater deal of physical repulsion.

The image of another man ejaculating inside your wife (even with a condom in my case) is so vile and disgusting its hard to bear.

To continue a sex life with the husband while this is going on adds further disgust.

That is exactly it, I cannot bear to look at her and not want to vomit at the thought of OM releasing into her.

You also said she has been "very violent and abusive toward you."

People who are messed up enough to be "very violent and abusive" toward someone they are supposed to love are capable of almost anything. Can you add to that description?

She would complain about my hours, I would ask her to cut back on spending, to help me budget, she would pull back and tell me I am limiting her, and then she would throw things at me and tell me to get a better paying job. In her rages she would lunge at me an bite me, scratch me. Pure temper tantrums my children would freak out at yell at her to come down.

Okay, I am not having sex with her since I found out I cut her cold. I have made appointments to have us checked for STDs and told her "our" life as she has known it is over.


Your WW ended your marriage by what she did. If you both want to rebuild a new marriage, she has to go completely no contact with POSOM.

mchercheur, thank you for that statement, it really hit home and drove in the point that my relationship with her is dead, and that going forward it is a new relationship with very different circumstances and parameters, the illusions are gone.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Tonight she asked me how I was doing. I said not good, and she asked my why.

I said that I have not fully processed the implications of her infidelity.

She asked me not to leave her, that we can work this out, that she loves me and that the only reason she was seeing him was because she felt empty completely empty inside and that every time she tried to speak with me I would insult her and make her feel bad, really bad.

I told her, none of that made it okay for her to open her legs for him. She says she recognizes that she made a terrible mistake and wishes she could take everything back. Yet, my guts tells me that she is playing me the fool.

I had her finally tell me how he started flirting with her and how she responded, she told me that she was feeling low after one of our fights and that he had asked her why such a pretty lady looked so sad. He saw him again after the first time he flirted with him at the same coffee shop until she was riding in his car and making out, then they went to a motel and had sex.. she tells me that she never called him, but it was him who would text her to see her.

I worry about the children. I don't want her in my life and never seeing her again would be soon enough. She is telling me not to abandon her, and that she will kill herself if I leave her.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

You know, that is a possibility, but where does that leave me?


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 24th (Friday)

You know, I forgot to mention that about three months back she started talking about having another baby.

Tonight I asked her how could she think about having another baby with me while having an affair, then it occurred to me that maybe she wanted to get pregnant by the OM and let me think is was my child... She denied it of course, but told me her desire for another child was for us to become closer together again like in the beginning of our relationship.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 10:27 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, January 24th (Friday)

wert, thank you.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, January 24th (Friday)

She is telling me not to abandon her, and that she will kill herself if I leave her.
If she makes this statement again, call 911. Treat any such statement as if it is true, even if you believe it to be histrionic or manipulative.

One of two things will happen - if she is truly having suicidal ideations, she will receive the help she needs. If she's saying it to control the situation, your calling 911 will show her that you aren't messing around.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24376 | Registered: Aug 2011
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 24th (Friday)

it really hit home and drove in the point that my relationship with her is dead, and that going forward it is a new relationship with very different circumstances and parameters, the illusions are gone.

Many WSs will try to tell you that "it was just one mistake". My WH kept saying "it was just a little blip in a long relationship."
Don't let them gaslight you/define reality for you.


It will never be the same, the betrayal will always be there. If you & your WS work hard, you wont always be in pain like this, & maybe your new marriage can be strong.
But, now, the question is: is it a deal breaker for you. And, do you still have enough love for her to give her a chance to repair it---that is going to take time. Take your time making this decision.
It took me almost half a year to make this decision (I did not have SI then), & there have been many days since then that I have had to consciously decide that I am going to stay with WH another day. However, it is getting better. But it is a roller coaster ride & takes a lot of patience.
I will tell you one thing---& I bet that 99% of us BSs will agree. You have to be willing to walk away in either case----whether you want to R or want to D. Most WSs will not come out of the fog until you show that you are willing to walk.

In my case, I asked my WH to leave on Dday. He ended up being out of the house for 5 mos because he would not stop contact with OW, who he works with. It took my going to a lawyer & starting divorce proceedings, & taking off my wedding ring & handing it to him, before he finally stopped contact.
suchislife01, you can not "nice" them back. Stand up for yourself, it is the only way.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2012
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Because she is an inhuman heartless monster. A sociopath incapable of emathy.

There is no such thing as R.

She is a cake eater. Stop all attempts for figuring out what the hell is or was going on in her head.

Focus on you and leave her ass.

Sorry, but on my journey, I learned to not have any mercy on these fucking monsters that put their selfish needs before commitment and their families.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Given your wife's age do you have the sense that she could be having a midlife crisis?

Okay, so I have been thinking about this and why this betrayal feels so painful...

I think my parents raised me well, in particular my father. As a teen and young adult into my 20's my father instilled in me a great pride and care for my body. At 16 he showed me an encyclopedia with pictures of venereal deceases and told me what could happen if I had intercourse with someone carrying some decease.

He told me I needed to be careful and thoughtful about rushing into sex with my hormones running hot through my teen body.

He and my mother told me that I was a good looking boy and that girls were going to be interested in me, not only for my looks but for the easy going way that I am.

I worked out, discipline myself to keep a very fit body, joined the army for 3 years because I wanted to be an infantry man, come out of the army and went to school and received my degree in engineering, all this time working hard on my body and dating many women to get to know them.

This may sound odd, but after dating a few girls, I would make an appointment at a clinic and would take them to get tested for STD with me before engaging in intercourse.

Now, my wife and I did all this things, we had a very intense sexual and intimate relationship where she would tell me what it seem to me all her desires, emotional fears and apprehensions.

She is a fitness buff like me, disciplined and driven.

So, maybe it could be that she is feeling old as she would make comments that younger women do not have to work hard at staying beautiful...

She told me that she only had two prior boyfriends before settling down with me... Would had she wondered what is like to be with other men?

When I chose her, I knew she was the woman I wanted for me, and I have resisted and didn't even considered sleeping with other women when other women have tried to flirt or come on to me.

I am devastated.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Because she is an inhuman heartless monster. A sociopath incapable of empathy.

I think that''''a a great answer. Because so was I. Seriously. I mean, OP''''s WW is almost certainly not clinically a sociopath, nor was I. But close enough. Without hesitation or guilt, I pursued MM, and had sex with AP and, back at home, with my BH. I held BH''''s hand and told him I loved him and what a great life we had. While behind his back I complained about him to APs. And lied to BH so I could sneak off and be with them.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. But irrelevant. I turned 40, I saw a grey hair, BH had gained weight, he was always criticizing me...I came up with lots of "reasons" why I deserved an A or two. APs gave me an injection of brain chemicals, which I mistook for happiness. They told me how beautiful and brilliant I was, of course, because how else would they get into my pants? What a sucker I was. So very typical, Wayward 101.

And then I got caught. And it took months for me to come out of the fog. Watching me detox from AP2 was so much worse for BH than the actual sex part. I doubt I''''ll ever truly understand or appreciate how deeply I hurt him, and we are still very much in recovery mode.

My therapist assured me that I''''m not a sociopath. What I realize now is, being a heartless monster is curable. If the WS owns 100% responsibility and voluntarily seeks help.

My answer is, she was using AP to self-medicate her pain. Whatever that was. Until she figures out healthy coping mechanisms, she will be at great risk of reoffending.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 1:06 PM, January 25th, 2014 (Saturday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Without hesitation or guilt, I pursued MM, and had sex with AP and, back at home, with my BH. I held BH''''s hand and told him I loved him and what a great life we had. While behind his back I complained about him to APs. And lied to BH so I could sneak off and be with them.

Mid-life crisis? Maybe. But irrelevant. I turned 40, I saw a grey hair, BH had gained weight, he was always criticizing me...I came up with lots of "reasons" why I deserved an A or two. APs gave me an injection of brain chemicals, which I mistook for happiness. They told me how beautiful and brilliant I was, of course, because how else would they get into my pants? What a sucker I was. So very typical, Wayward 101.

And then I got caught. And it took months for me to come out of the fog. Watching me detox from AP2 was so much worse for BH than the actual sex part. I doubt I''''ll ever truly understand or appreciate how deeply I hurt him, and we are still very much in recovery mode.

My therapist assured me that I''''m not a sociopath. What I realize now is, being a heartless monster is curable. If the WS owns 100% responsibility and voluntarily seeks help.

My answer is, she was using AP to self-medicate her pain. Whatever that was. Until she figures out healthy coping mechanisms, she will be at great risk of re offending.

20WrongsVs1,

Thank you for that post, that will have to do as good an explanation as any.

At the end of the day, it was her choice to cheat, and to keep on doing it, or carrying on the affair.

Really, no explanation will wash away the pain I feel, water under the bridge.

Now reality of what follows, the children's well being, mine and hers. Although in separate ways.

I can't stand to see her, I don't feel one tiny bit of compassion from her tears, she revolts me and I can't stand to look at her.

I recognize my emotions are very raw, yet, I cannot get this horrible pain and disgust to subside from my being.

After doing a cold cost/benefit analysis, the conclusion is for me to D her, and for me to move on with my life.

And to be honest, I am not even looking forward to meet a woman, I need time to heal and seek IC.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

It's cake eating.
The A was just sex, but I love you blah ,blah.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 151 | Registered: Nov 2013
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, January 27th (Monday)

She tells me that she wished to speak to me. We spoke for a few minutes and after a long pause she asks me what is on my mind.

I tell her at the moments I am wondering how the hell our life got so screwed up.

She tells me that I am too logical, too disciplined for my own good, that emotions do not work that way. I shut down on her, I was not there for her emotional needs, I insulted her and called her capricious, I demeaned her and made her feel worthless. Then I asked her if she found what she needed with the OM. She tells me that it was a big mistake and that she wishes she could take it all back. I tell her we must sell the house and I want her out of my life. She cries uncontrollably and tells me to forgive her and to work it out. That is not fair for the children to lose their home. I ask her why didn't she think of that before being unfaithful, she tells me she was not thinking, that she just felt empty and abandoned...

Bottom line she tells me, I was not there for her when she was suffering and needing me the most...

I would like to hear from other WWs if they cheated because they felt abandoned by their husbands...


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Such,

Good job, man. This view of WW being able to claim she is all emotionally screwed up, thus entitled to screw around and act like some privileged trollop is just BS. Either be married, and act like it, or have some dignity and actually talk to your spouse before going off like a dimestore whore.

If she feels this is such a concern that she need to go out and fall into the lair of such smooth talking shithead, is in too much trouble to present her issues to her Husband?

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 9:57 PM, January 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

@suchislife01,
Blameshifting. What is that, chapter 3 of Wayward 101?

No, the bottom line is that she''d rather make someone else responsible for her actions.
The bottom line is that instead of fixing things in the M or choosing D she chose door #3...having an A.
The bottom line sounds like a lot of rewriting of the M to make you the bad guy who "made her cheat"

Bottom line sounds like D is a good idea because her idea of R is for you to apologize to her for her A.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3646 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Justgreatnews, Brandon808, you guys are 100% correct.

Now, how the hell do I move forward? /rhetoric

When I chose my wife, it was a careful and deliberate choice to marry her. I vowed to myself to be truthful, loving, caring, faithful, honest, and loyal to her.

I fell in love hard for her, to the day I found out about the affair I was still illusioned with her.

Yesterday I cried like a baby, uncontrollably hard unlike anything I have ever done, after that I felt the pain lift and my heart grew sad.

I am not angry anymore, I feel a deep disappointment and sadness.

It seems to me that when I now look at her I don't feel anything, and when I look at my sweet children I feel pain because they remind me of her.

I want to move on and never look back.

She is pleading me to give her a second chance, for us to R and begin again.

I just don't want to love her like that again, I wish her luck, I wish she can find what she was looking for in the OM.

I want to be alone for a while, I want to not feel anything for now.

I asked her to release me from my vow to her, she didn't want to do it, until she finally relented and said yes. I feel free, free to let my pain go and to let my love for her die.

I wonder if will I ever love again the same way someone else, and if this misery depart from my soul?

I asked her again, why didn't you just choose one of us, why did you have to be with him and with me?

She only replied, I was hurt, I felt abandoned by you.

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her, though that is not an excuse for her cheating.




Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I would like to hear from other WWs if they cheated because they felt abandoned by their husbands

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her

Don''t let her get any traction with this abandonment line. No marriage is perfect, no two humans communicate perfectly with each other. The WW playbook says, "Identify some problem in your M or some dissatisfaction with your H and inflate it. So you feel justified (poor you!) in having your needs met elsewhere." No doubt every WW feels abandoned or ignored or under-appreciated, etc. Did we cheat because of that? No. We cheated because we lack healthy coping skills and/or self esteem.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1036 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

There's a hell of alot of blame shifting her, in essence she's saying it's your fault she cheated.

If it was a one time deal, then a very very very long shot you could condone it.

But it was 2 years (that you know of) 2 years is not a "mistake" it's carefully planned and coordinated deceit which had you not found out would have continued today. So with all her excuses did at any point recently did she try to talk to you?

My only concern reading this is that she still doesn't seem to get it. So her chances of repeating her behavior will be all the more greater or since she didn't seem to have a viable exit strategy, she'll just wait for someone who can support her better. All of this is conjecture of course, but ultimately you need to be firm and not take any of her BS on board, not until she truly gets it.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Jun 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

My gut tells me that I failed to communicate with her, though that is not an excuse for her cheating.
Maybe you did fail to communicate with her, but since her response was not to insist on MC or D she clearly had some communication issues of her own.

She only replied, I was hurt, I felt abandoned by you.
She "felt" abandoned. You didn''t actually abandon her physically so clearly she is talking about emotional abandonment. So what was her answer? To have an A. How much of an emotional abandonment is that, huh?

I''m calling bullsh*t. She didn''t feel "abandoned". She just didn''t feel validated. She wasn''t interested in fixing the M. She wanted to get the attention and validation that she wanted.

To paraphrase what another member wrote:
"It may not have been a perfect M, but it was ours."

That is what her choice cost you.
It has already been pointed out this was not some isolated monumental lapse in judgment. This was a protracted A, lasting at least 2 years.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3646 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
frankier
Member
Member # 33901
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

SIL01 - I am sorry for your situation. It must feel horrible to learn that the mother of your kids engaged in such a terrible behavior.

To answer your initial question, people cheat because they can and because they want. Period. There is no gun to their head forcing them to cheat. All the after-the-fact rationalization is just developing a model to rationalize the fact that they cheated.

I think it goes like this:

Issues --> feeling wronged (and or) --> sense of entitlement --> decision to have an affair

It seems that your wife has a strong sense of entitlement. She feels abandoned and wants you to read her mind (in spite of being laid off, changing job, etc). She wants to keep the same material lifestyle in spite of the family's changed financial situation and, again, it is on you.

Now, only you can tell if she can genuinely acknowledge and work to fix her entitlement issues. If she can, maybe there is a chance to save your kids from the heartbreak of a divorce.

I know that you have already decided to divorce her. And given the situation, it is totally understandable. However, it seems that your DDay is relatively recent and I would suggest that you take more time before reaching a decision. At least 6 months from now. Your emotions are still raw and decisions taken under these circumstances are not always the best. Take this little additional time to make sure that the emotions are not driving your decision. During this time, take her to IC and/or MC and try and see if she can overcome her sense of entitlement. Try it for your kids, if not for you.

Good luck.

[This message edited by frankier at 8:45 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me BS 48
Her WS 39
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8

Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: ChiLand
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

My H claimed the same thing that he was trying to find a lost connection with me by having sex with me and having a relationship with OW simultaneously..

How in the hell can one find a lost connection with somebody if he or she is engaging in treacherous behavior behind that person's back?

This behavior that the wayward engages in is one sure way to severe a connection that is already waning for good...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1135 | Registered: Nov 2011
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I agree with the others she is blame shifting and not taking responsibility for her actions. She needs to be called out on that.

That said, what I hear from your W's responses is she knows she screwed up, doesn't want to loose her family, but is very mistaken about who is responsible for what. She needs to learn that.

It why I recommended what I did that other day in a previous post. I am all about R. If two people both commit to the learning and healing process needed I think it can be wonderful again for them. That said you both have a long way to go if you choose to go that direction.

IMO - Detach from your W and mentally give yourself and your M 6 months before making a major decision. The time itself won't heal anything, but if you W getting in to IC and figures out why she cheated, how she allowed her morals to be comprised and then shares that with you, the two of you may be able to make a go of it.

Your job is different. You need to figure out why you want to stay or if you do. Remember something - people can change and redefine themselves. Your W can too. That does not mean she will, but if she starts to take responsibility for her actions (no more "I felt abandoned") and really starts to look at what she needs to change to prevent this instead of blaming you...things can be good. Your job, and it is a very hard one, is to really step back, detach from her, and evaluate her progress and sincerity in her journey to become a authentic person who doesn't lie and cheat.

Keep posting. Encourage her to start reading and get into IC.

Healing, regardless of your M's outcome, is work and takes time...buckle up...

take care...

[This message edited by wert at 8:55 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Okay, so here is an update for you guys.

My original question was why would she be sleeping with both of us and why not just choose one...

A few days ago she gave me an answer.

She said that she just wanted to fuck the guy, she found him attractive and that she like his initial attention and that the sex was ok, not as good as us but acceptable giving all the problems we were having.

I remained calm, smiled and told her, okay, I will accept your answer, but why do you want to still be my wife given what you have done?

She replied that she still loves me deeply and does not want to lose me, that she knows she made a terrible mistake and wish that she could take it all back.

She asked me if I would stop the divorce and take her back. I said no, I would not take her back. But after all is said and done, we could date and see if we could have a relationship again, since the old relationship is dead and being buried.

This is the kicker, when she gave me her answer, I felt deep anger, but immediately felt relief at the thought that it seems to me that she is really feeling remorse for her mistake.

I told her I forgave her, and that for the love of our children we could maybe work something out in the future.

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 4:34 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

She asked me if I would stop the divorce and take her back. I said no, I would not take her back.
I''m glad you did. You were right to stand your ground. She has yet to show true remorse. She may be finally seeing what she is going to lose but that is the point. She sees what she is going to lose. She has not recognized your hurt from her choices.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3646 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

Yes - stand your ground and see what she does. Stay strong.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 381 | Registered: Nov 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 6th (Thursday)

but why do you want to still be my wife given what you have done?

Wrong question. Why would I allow you to be my wife?

immediately felt relief at the thought that it seems to me that she is really feeling remorse for her mistake.

I don't know if that is remorse, so much as consequences. Referring to her A as a mistake is not indicative of remorse. I think you should continue to press forward w/D. You may be able to R in the future, but as of now, I think she's more concerned w/the repercussion of her A than what she did to you.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 725 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Thanks for the feedback, y'all.

I am an engineer by training, and that gives me insight into future planning the typical folks do not get to deal everyday.

Having said that, this one was not a contingency that I had planned for in my marriage relationship.

Well, now that I have filed and took a complete inventory of all the assets and am trying to make it the best possible scenario for my children and I.

I tell you one thing, this is some serious pain which could not have anticipated to feel, but since I am here feeling it, I am experiencing it completely so I can heal and move on with my life.

She is a beautiful woman, and I know she will not have any problem meeting a new man in her life.

My only concern with that is the impact on my children...


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, February 7th (Friday)

Oh, and another thing I have discovered into this thing about me. I have come to realized I am a snob for the simple reason that I believe that if you have the discipline and will power to achieve something, you will accomplish it if you desire it and take action.

I don't look down on failure, I look down on those that do not even try or are willing to try.

Considering that, and looking in the mirror, this is one trait I am willing to keep and stick to it.

She has not criticized me for it, but in anticipation that if she would bring it up, I would know what to reply.


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, February 10th (Monday)

We had to attend a teacher/parents night at my daughter's school.

WW threw a tantrum when one of the other moms started to give me attention and I told her about my divorce.

WW screamed at me in the parking lot that all I never cared about her, and that she would not stand by while I meet another woman and start a new family.

She told me that she could not take seeing me with another woman, I just stood there silently and did not argue with her, this only made her even more furious.

Any women care to tell me what could be going through her mind?

[This message edited by suchislife01 at 9:09 PM, February 10th (Monday)]


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Had a very stressful day at work today.

Have not have the courage to drive home, I am in a lot of pain that I thought would be subsiding by now, but it is quite intense. Been driving in circles, feeling very acute pain, and yet somehow numb.

Life outlook is bleak, nothing makes sense, all the stress from work does not seem worth at all.

Thinking of my children, how can I help them cope...


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Such -

I just noticed you were from NJ. Divorce is pretty ugly there. You may want to head down the Menz thread and ask around for other guys from that state. Divorce is a screw job for men, but really bad in NJ.

I have followed you story a little and you may want to consider just not divorcing for a while. Give her a list of things she needs to do (NC, IC, talking to you about where she went wrong, stop blaming you) and give her a few months. Nothing wrong with you planning your exit while she is floundering around trying to figure out who she has become. I can tell you my W took 6 months or so to "get it." It's rare, but it does happen and gives you a little time to plan your next move....

take care.....



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 11th (Tuesday)

Life outlook is bleak, nothing makes sense, all the stress from work does not seem worth at all.

Sorry man. I remember that feeling. Especially the part about work. I carried her ass for so long and she cheated on me. It sucks.

That says, I can tell you from experience that if you focus on you and the things you love (and I don't mean you W) it does get better. Both because you make it better and because time does dull the feeling, emotions and pain.

What helped me? Working out. Joining a new sports league. Connecting up with friends a lot. Spending a lot of time away from my W. I didn't want to D, but I needed to separate myself from her, even though we lived together. I would have dinner, put the kids to bed and then go for long ass walks/runs. I would go watch soccer games at the pub with friends. Play pick up. I tuned her out and tuned me in. You don't even have to leave her this minute to do it. I think that is a big misconception in all this stuff. It's not D or R, but you can make your own way. I was nice enough to my W cause that is who I am, but was clear where we were headed unless she got her shit together and took full responsibility. She tried the we grew apart shit. It's crap. D my ass then. I didn't hold her head when she was giving it.

Anyway, it bought me time to get my things in order. She started to realize that I was really checking out and getting ready to leave and then she turned a corner at some point. It's not all roses, but its a lot better.

Either way man, you are going to be OK. Thousands of people have been through this site are the proof.

take care...



Posts: 1403 | Registered: Jan 2012
suchislife01
New Member
Member # 42144
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Life is crazy!

Today I had what I would call a totally bizarre experience.

I went to the dentist to have a check up and cleaning, while waiting in the waiting area I met an older lady that was seated across my seat.

She told me that she saw grief in my face and then she asked me if I had a family member pass away.

I said no, I continue to tell her I was just having a hard time and going through a divorce.

She looked at me and asked me if my wife had been unfaithful and I replied in the affirmative.

She then bluntly asked me if I had asked my wife is she was sexually satisfied in our marriage, I looked at her and replied that no, I had not asked her bluntly.

Then she looked at me with a pity look and told me that women are sexual beings too, just like men, and that they do in fact find other men attractive.

Oh, boy.

She asked me to find out if my wife was remorseful about her "mistake" and if she was I may want to give her a second chance provided we learned to communicate with each other truthfully.

I am still processing this...


Me - BS 43
Her WS- 36
3 children 13, 11, 9.
M 13 years, together 15.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: new jersey
64fleet
Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

It's not your fault.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5386 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, February 20th (Thursday)

Sounds like you met a wayward. Rather blunt she was, eh?

This whole situation with being cheated on made me question my beliefs, but I refuse to change them. I believe in honesty and faithfulness, and dangit, I'm gonna find a man that believes in that too..

I guess I'm fine with casual sex, but not if you're being dishonest, lying and manipulating someone. It's not just an "I like sex" issue. It's a much deeper problem when you do that to someone..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1990 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 69