User Topic: Mediation Next Tuesday- Vent
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

We have mediation on Tuesday 1/28. This will be the first time STBX and I have seen each other since 10/1/13. Thanksgiving, xmas, his birthday and NYE all went by and I think the only reason I've been holding it all together is because I haven't physically seen him.

We had a couple of email exchanges this past weekend where he pretended that he wanted to see DS, but the said he didn't feel safe coming to town because he feels threatened by me and my family. He mentioned that he knew that I filed a Domestic Violence injunction (which is what you do when someone threatens to take your child). He never had any intention of seeing DS, just wanted to write and reframe everything like he is a victim. Poor him. He says he needs witnesses so that no one can lie and say he did or said something he didn't do. My favorite part of his e-mails was:

I never threatened anyone. Your sister even asked if I was going to hurt anyone or take one of her children and I told her "no". All I asked was "How would she feel if someone took one of her kids?" Meaning she would be upset too.

As if this was a totally normal exchange between two people. Anyway, he ended his email with "See you next Tuesday" which made it sound almost like he was looking forward to it. Classic NPD! Mediation is going to be a big fat waste of time anyway.

As Tuesday gets nearer, I feel the anxiety mounting. I felt this way when I thought he was going to come to visit in December...seeing him is something that is going to have to happen eventually, but the thought of it makes me so anxious. I know he doesn't have any power over me, but it's still frightening. I don't know how I'm going to feel and that scares me.

Today I went to the Doctor and got back on AD and she gave me some xanax too for the anxiety. I'm overwhelmed with stupid the fact that my roots aren't done and I don't know what I'm going to wear. Isn't that just the stupidest thing? I feel like an idiot for being concerned about that. At least DS and I have a roof over our heads...but I'm still me, and I still want to get my hair did.

My job is on the line. I have to go on FMLA because my work has suffered, I now live 2.5 hours away, and frankly they've done so much to support me, I can understand how they might be over my situation. So I'm looking for a job in the town where my parent's live (and where DS and I currently live) and trying to keep this one in the meantime so I can pay for pampers and attorney's fees. I'm the only breadwinner! Another thing STBX said was that he kept DS' Gymboree membership active (he took him there twice). That's $65 a month. $65 he could have been sending us for pampers and formula. Douche!

Several people have commented lately that I'm so strong, they don't know how I'm doing it all, that they would be falling apart right now. Well that is the exact opposite of how I feel. I feel like chicken little running around like the sky is falling.

Anyway...after mediation we can get on the calendar for February for a temporary hearing for child support and visitation. My attorney has already filed a motion. At least something is happening....I just need to keep looking ahead and moving forward.

Thanks for letting me vent friends. Wish me luck for Tuesday.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

OH, my gosh, LUCK and MOJO, and PRAYERS and strength (not caps because too much strength and you might strangle him) and PATIENCE.

Take the xanax. Take it at least once before then to make sure you don't get loopy or fall asleep. I always took it before court or any time I knew I had to face him. Anxiety is already showing up, so be prepared to deal with it in every way you have available.

He will lie. You know that. You don't have to prove his lies are lies. You just have to know your own truth. Practice not reacting. Have a plan, know what you want to say, not what you want to respond.

As for him framing himself as a victim? grrrrrr. What a whiny lying POS.

Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5861 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Good luck, and I know what you mean about waste of time.

Can you be in a separate room from him?

Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2715 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 36099
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

An idea for mediation that I did was arrive early and told them I needed to be in a separate room as STBX. I told them I felt unsafe in his presence and I couldn't be in the same room as he was. The mediator tried the ol' song and dance we could get done sooner if we were together (oh and he had bad knees and the walking could be a problem for him ). I just knew I could fall into the old patterns of our relationship and didn't want to be manipulated by STBX. So I stuck to my position and stood up for myself. I felt strong for having done that.

I'll have you in my thoughts as you move forward.

Me- 53
WH- 57
Divorced - May 22, 2014
Dday - Blindsided July 2012
Married 35 years
4 adult DD's, 2 SIL, 3 grandchildren

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Sometimes the phrase "See you next Tuesday" isn't meant 'literally'. Just sayin'. How nice that the mediation actually *is* on a Tuesday so he had a 'free' pass to insert that terminology.....(guess it's kinda obvious that I'm extremely untrusting of abusive people, huh?)

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Sending good thoughts your way for Tuesday.

All of SI will be with you in spirit.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5284 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Insist on separate rooms. Do not cave on this point. Separate rooms.

Find out if you can bring a support person into the room with you.

Def test out the Xanax ahead of time to see how you'll react.

Have some bullet points of what you want to stay focused on, what is important to you, etc. Keep this in front of you so you stay on track.

Expect him to try & derail the mediation.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Oh, and when you keep on NOT bending to his ridiculous demands (we're all certain he's going to be an ass, right?), then you can think of this gif. Or better yet, when the mediator leaves the room you can act along with this gif.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, January 24th (Friday)

We will ALL be there with you in spirit. You ARE strong ~ you are doing what is right for you and your son. What you are feeling doesn't make you less strong, it means you are HUMAN! You can do this!! We are here to support you!!

NG, you are the gif queen!!

[This message edited by dmari at 1:20 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

Me (BS): 43 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Divorced September 30, 2014
"It's always darkest before the dawn ..."

Posts: 2271 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 24th (Friday)

NG, seriously, how do you get these so perfect every time???

You are going to do just fine. We are all going to be there with you. Do the separate rooms's a way for you to take control.

"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4687 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, January 24th (Friday)

See you next Tuesday
um, honey....he was calling you the C word.

C (see)
U (you)

[This message edited by sparkysable at 9:22 AM, January 24th (Friday)]

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 33822
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I know he doesn't have any power over me, but it's still frightening. I don't know how I'm going to feel and that scares me.

I can totally relate to that fear. We let them control us for so long and convince us that up is down, and they twist the facts so that their bull**** seems like the truth. I have been with my WH for 18 years, and for me now, it's not even a day by day process to realize he doesn't have any power over me; it's a conversation by conversation effort to realize it.

I know you don't feel strong, but YOU ARE. And the truth is on your side. You have all of us sending you MOJO and strenth and love! Listen to the wise SI'ers who have told you separate mediation rooms are a must for you. Insist on it.


My WH (The KISA, NPD) 6 month EA in 2010
2 other EAs in 2012 & 2013
Filed for D 7/2014

Posts: 425 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 24th (Friday)

(( hugs! ))

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Hi All,

Thanks all for the MOJO and the advice. I'm going to insist upon the separate rooms!

I actually TAUGHT HIM about the C U Next Tuesday double meaning! It's a running joke in my office with some of my colleagues because we could say it to each other and get away with calling each other the C word in front of management. And while I totally picked up on the veiled reference, it occurred to me that he isn't that clever. If I'm wrong and he is...kudos to him for sneaking it in there. I was tempted to respond, "No, you're the See You Next Tuesday!" but that would have just started a whole thing.

Anyway.....thanks to all of you awesome SI folks. Thanks NG for the gif! It's inspiring.

I'm going to try and relax this weekend. I'll play some of the Rocky Theme song while I take DS out in the jogging stroller. Much better than Sinead O'Conner's Last Day of Our Acquaintance which for obvious reasons (if you know that song) has been running through my head as of late.

Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 14