User Topic: When does this stop?
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 23rd (Thursday)

Dday was 4 1/2 months ago and I am on a mission every day....snooping. checking email accounts, Facebook, Twitter, his work bag, the ipad, his pants pockets. Everything you can imagine! I am so tired of doing this, I have not found anything but I cannot help myself. Is this normal? When does it get better?

Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
Member # 35679
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Dying, I am so sorry you are going through this, but know that you are not alone.

I am at almost 2 years and barely ever check anything anymore. I can't say that I am not still paranoid, but as time goes on and things he says "check out", you will realize you will snoop less and less.

My H has given me free reign over his electronics, wallet, etc. One day I even went up to him and asked him nicely to please empty out his pockets and he did. He wasn't happy about it, but he understood.

ME (BS): 41 and so stupid!
Him (WH): 43. He's my dragon slayer but my heart wasn't supposed to be slayed!

Posts: 193 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Miami
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Dying.....everyone keeps telling me this is completely normal and that as time goes by you feel the need to snoop less and less. I, just like you am constantly snooping and checking and suspicious even though WH is showing remorse and doing the right things. I can't stop doing it and I can't stop the catastrophic thinking and reading the worst into small things he says. TIME. A four letter word I am beginning to hate!
So many things that his EA has ruined.....even the general passage of time!

I am trying to live by these words.......
Remember yesterday....
Live in today....
Dream of tomorrow....

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 373 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 37146
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Dying, Yes time is another 4 letter word in this sad state of being you find yourself. The first 6 weeks were the worst after Dday, 6 month mark was still so painful...I am 18 months out now and had my first "normal" day this week. I enjoyed a day of being me again and I never thought I would have "me" back. Am I totally the same, no but it was the best day yet and it was only a day, actually 10 hrs.

I rarely snoop now, but I did early on and was furious it a password was changed without my knowledge. I know if he is going to cheat again, he will but he knows if he does, I am gone. I had a foot out the door for over 4 months, but never physically left as I knew I would not come back and he did and does. He panics still if I am not reachable for length of time...he does not have the "right" to be not reachable, I do.

Just kept breathing, do what you need to survive and it will get better!!!

Posts: 102 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Somewhere in USA
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Yes I snipe a lot less now. Two anniversary of DD is march.. But everyday I still remember text etc. I did so much sniping and retreading text that I have exact words, dates and spending memorized. But new sniping is a lot less just in those paranoid moments.

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I'm sorry you are going through this.

It is very normal behavior...I was obsessed in the beginning. I spent hours and hours going through everything I could think of to gather pieces of the puzzle. Since his (supposedly) ONS happened in 07 and I only (accidentally) discovered it in May 2013, and he was really vague on the timeline

Now, several months later, it's not a daily obsession, but there are still days that I feel the need to check. For me, it helps reassure me that he's being honest and truthful.

Madhatters, M 31 yrs
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Thank you to everyone for their support. This is so hard. Some days I wonder if I want to deal with this day in and day out until the day finally comes when I can feel a little more normal. I hate snooping, I really do but it is the one thing that helps me stay sane through it all. Thanks again!

Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

All BS do this I think. It does get better with time. Or I should say, the more you do it and find nothing, the less you'll do it.

At least that's whats happened to me. Its definitely exhausting. In the beginning I felt like I was using all my free time snooping!

I'm 7 months since DDAY and I snoop a lot less now. Here and there...but definitely not like I did in the beginning. Not sure it ever goes away fully. I guess only time can tell.

Hang in there, it gets better.

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I think all the snooping is your brain's way of checking to make sure the threat is over. You're still so early in the process, I think it's only natural and normal.

But like all coping mechanisms, you eventually realize that it's not doing what you need it to do anymore. Some people can get stuck and it truly becomes an obsessive compulsive behavior. I started to get nervous about this happening with me and reached out for help from my IC. It takes an enormous amount of self control to stop yourself and focus on something else. When you're hurting and still traumatized by the fallout of the A, it's next to impossible to conjure up any kind of self control. Breaking the habit of checking is hard, but it's especially hard when you are trying so hard to simply survive.

So 2 years out, I can say I've gotten away from my need to do this. But it isn't just time. It's what you do in that time. Strengthening and healing yourself while your WS gets his/her act together and does the hard work to repair - all of that has to happen over time.

About 20 months into R, I read somewhere the danger of the BS developing and having an affair with the affair. That sentence knocked me silly. The last thing I want to do is have an affair, especially with my fWH's affair. Taking time and energy away from what I claimed mattered to me and pouring it into snooping/checking/digging for more details or clues that my fWH was still being deceitful, or checking out the OW -- all of that detracts from the M and lessens me as a person. And that's no different from what my H did with his A.

But that realization was slow in coming. And by the time it did, a habit had taken hold. Now, whenever I'm tired or bored (like I am now - home sick in bed with the flu) the habit to check will creep back in. I'm getting better at saying to myself, this is part of it - this is what happens when you've been betrayed - but I don't have to respond this way. And I re-direct.

Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Thank you all for your comments. I have given the site a rest for a few days. It is just so heart breaking we are here for this reason and most times I find so much help and and inspiration and other times I just can't bare to read. God bless us all!

Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Hugs to you...I snoop as well, but my husband doesn't know I snoop. Maybe I will tell him , but maybe I won't.

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 977 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

dyinginside, i am over 2 years out. the snooping stops and becomes less frequent with time. but when the spidey senses act up, time to snoop again. and every time i find nothing, it is a good thing.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
Topic Posts: 12