SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Could you just send a little "peace" vibes my way?
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Yesterday while discussing my son's schedule WH asked if we could talk. I worked all day yesterday and last night and told him I didn't have time. He knows I don't work Friday nights. So blah, we are "talking" tonight. When I tried to get a bit about why we were talking and he said he wanted "to share his plan".

I cannot for the life of me figure out what he thinks I need HIM to plan for ME. I have smart ass retorts all ready to go and I don't even know what "plan" he means. Today might be the worst day ever as I've been embracing my anger lately instead of burying it.

I think I should go into this with a SHUT mouth, open ears, and just see what happens but I am afraid he'll lead in with something stupid like trying to tell me where to live or what to give and I'm going to fly off the handle before the "talk" even gets started.

I keep trying to remind me that maybe he's having a sane rational moment and the talk could be more productive and cheaper than 2 lawyers talking but that image isn't really overcoming the scenarios bouncing around in my head where I either laugh at his ridiculousness until he gets mad and leaves or I flip a nutty on him.

I wish I would have had time to prep for this little shindig with some talk time with IC.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
NikkiD
Member
Member # 38173
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Peace be unto you!!

I so get that. My granny used to tell me I could slit someone'e throat with a sentence......And I have, like you, rehearsed the come backs and quick wit lines ready to throw razor blades at my WS. But, this last time, I was quiet and listened and responded peacefully and it was really a much better outcome. Dont get me wrong, I still have the original script in my head, but I will keep it to myself for now...

And you can too!

[This message edited by NikkiD at 9:47 AM, January 24th (Friday)]


"Spoil me with Loyalty; I can finance myself...."
ME: BS-33
HE: WS-32
Married 3 years, known 20
2 kids
D-Day #1 12/30/12
False Recovery
D-Day #2 1/21/14
LTA 5 years-ish
Riding the "Struggle Bus"
Living apart....

Posts: 668 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Midwest
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 24th (Friday)

Peace vibes heading your way.

But you know you don't HAVE to talk to him, right? You don't even have to listen to him. You have the right to say no. There's nothing he can't write in email rather than telling you face to face.

((((Jennifer))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, January 24th (Friday)

I'm with Nik. He doesn't get to run your life or decide if you have to listen to him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
JerseyCowgirl
Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 24th (Friday)

toUI got a message like that...he said to meet him because he didn't know what to do since I was not speaking to him and he wanted to tell me about mediation and how that would save legal fees

Turns out the mediator told him to do this to see how much I knew what I was entitled to.

So if you are positive you are going to D you do not have to listen to his plan and possibility revealing your intentions.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 286 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I do know I don't have to talk to or listen to him.

I will NOT discuss any of my plans.

I would like to know what he is thinking.

I have serious doubts I can keep my mouth shut and not be snarky about his thinking this is how things are going to go.

One of my friends suggests pinching myself when I want to open my mouth. I've been practicing at work today. It is not fun.

I've spent almost 2 years holding things in and only discussing in IC and such and now that my mouth has been turned loose (always the rest of my life it was lol) I can't go back.

I even had to apologize to my son for something he heard me say to his dad. His response? Its ok, he needed to hear it.

Seeing as how this request comes a couple days after his talk with our family law attorney friend I can only imagine.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Funny, we have a MC appt tonight to work on communication. My goal is to be as quiet as possible and listen, as Nikki suggested above, in hopes of a good outcome.

I will send peace vibes to you while I'm asking for them for myself!


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1692 | Registered: Aug 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Sending you some peace vibes and hope it goes well for you!


Me: BS 46
Him: LCB--lying, cheating bastard 50
D-Day 4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 530 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
need_hope
Member
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Sending peace vibes (and virtual duct tape) your way.


Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10
DIVORCED 12/12

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.


Posts: 1729 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, January 24th (Friday)

peace!

(((Jennifer)))


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 24th (Friday)

~~jennifer99~~

^^Those are peace vibes.

Think of and rehearse some positive and neutral responses and add those to your mental file along with the sharp retorts you already have ready.

Maintain control of the environment. Where are you meeting him? It should not be at your home, where your son could hear any drama, and where WH might not respect you if you need to say "I've heard enough, get out." Have the meeting somewhere that YOU can decide to get up and leave if you need to.

On that same note, as you said, you don't have to listen to anything he has to say. Just because his crazy is starting to spill over doesn't mean you have to sit there and let it splash all over you. You are agreeing to this as a courtesy only, and you can change your mind about it at any point where it starts to get heated or feel uncomfortable.

Or, if you're sick of holding things back and want to unload on him, do it. He initiated this little G2G, and he has no right to say whatever he wants and expect you to sit there and not say what you feel.

Peace, hugs, and mojo.
You've got this.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 664 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Jennifer99
Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Shocker.

Guess what?

It didn't happen.

He was too busy getting ready for this mornings kid activity (major - out in snow all day) because he did nothing for it all day. Then later he was "tired and wanted to get DS in bed early".

I got a lot of school work done and didn't really care either way.

I work all day today and he didn't mention anything about tonight, ds and I go away all day tomorrow.

At least I get to enjoy my weekend and have more time to consider trying to come up with ...what did gypsybird call 'em.... "positive and neutral responses to rehearse". Cuz honestly I can't seem to make any play in my head. There is that "relationship rescue" ad <----over there with Dr. Phil on it. I'm thinking about trying that jaw to cheek touch with a hmmm kind of face instead of Phil's dopey smile. Maybe?


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Topic Posts: 12