User Topic: I'm ready to let it be better
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I feel like I've been holding onto a lot of pain, just because I'm afraid to let go of it. I went off my anti-depressants just before Christmas, and I survived the discovery of the birth of the OC.

The truth is, the pain is incredible. I can't get away from it. But it isn't there all the time. The truth is, sometimes I am actually happy. The truth is, sometimes I can see that my marriage is very, very much healthier and happier than it ever was before my husband's crash and burn.

I don't credit the affair for that, but I do credit my marriage. We have a good marriage. It survived a massive explosion on the ground floor.

For the first time in 20 years, I know that I know who my husband is. I know who he is, and I am ready to allow him to not be perfect. He does not have to be my hero. And he lets me love him now - he lets me give to him, and he does not feel like he has to one-up me. He doesn't make me feel like crap about myself. He doesn't flirt with other women. He talks openly with our children about his life and what he has learned, and I see the healing that is happening in them as well.

Sometimes all that makes me angry, and I don't want my marriage to be 'better' after what he did to us. But the truth is, you couldn't pay me to go back to the way it used to be.

We don't own a thing, we have an unsettled OC situation to deal with, and I have never been more at peace with life. Of course, yesterday I was sobbing like a banshee, but besides that.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Yay! I agree. I love your whole post. <3

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Paste this post to your bedroom closet so you an see it often bc it is wonderful and you are remarkable person.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2431 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Yay! Love to see authentic posts like this -- the hope, and the reality.

When we were sharing with our MC this week how our intimacy is actually far better now than it was pre-A (and our marriage was still a 7-8 on a scale of 1-10 then) he said, "that is a real testament to both of you individually, but also to you as a couple."

So, I still have my dark days, and it still hurts regularly, but we are getting there. Glad for people like you posting your stories, sharing support, and just having you to survive this s--t storm with!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:21 PM, January 24th (Friday)]

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2054 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I love this:

We have a good marriage. It survived a massive explosion on the ground floor.
I have never been more at peace with life.

I know that I need to get better at letting go and leaning in, so you aren't the only one!

Also, I'm glad you posted today. I have been thinking of you!

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 491 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, January 24th (Friday)

This is a great stage of healing! Just being ready to try to move forward. Nice!!

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6542 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Love this!!

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Thanks for posting this! So encouraging. I can feel this coming but not there yet. All the best to you!

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

I'm glad to see a post from you plainpain as I've been wondering how you were doing - so it's great to see one that is so positive. I hope things continue to improve for you going forward.

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1879 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

he lets me love him now

I get this, and it's a huge part of allowing yourself to let it be better

From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14861 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Topic Posts: 10