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User Topic: Was the A a part of workaholism?
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 24th (Friday)

My fWH got completely obsessed with a massive project at work when his A started with one of his co-workers. He says he never really thought of her as anything more than a colleague until things at work got intense and the pressure was on to produce something that had never been done before. He said she worked hard to make him look good, never challenged him in any way, and became a constant supply of affirmation and support. She told him what he wanted to hear. Then she made it clear that she was available and easy.

The affair played out on biz trips and late hours at the office. There was no courting or wooing - the whole thing was completely wrapped up in work, in this massive, multi-million $ project. Like many WSs, my fWH kept work separate from home. He compartmentalized his work/affair life.

He managed to live this dual life for 15 months, but it took a toll on his health and our M was showing signs of suffering (I didn't have a clue why - I just thought he was obsessed with work.) He had turned into a royal a$$, lacked compassion, was distracted and irritable. Looking back, the period before and during the A, my fWH's personality changed. Not only did I not recognize him, I didn't like him.

Another company tapped him to be their next leader and he saw this as his chance to get out of the nightmare he was in. So he quit the job, quit the affair and we moved. Knowing what I know now, the fact that he did this all on his own is a miracle.

What's interesting is that as soon as he broke from his job, the fog vanished. All feelings for the OW disappeared. All feelings for the project disappeared, too. In fact, once I found out about the A and we would talk about how/why it happened, he found it impossible to talk about it separate from the job. The A was motivated by work, fed by work, and propelled by work. The A was just one expression of this addiction to the work he was doing. In talking about the OW, all he can say is she was critical to the work I was doing, or she was very important to the project. Once he no longer had a connection to the work, the A seemed ridiculous and the OW looked pathetic and unappealing. He now says he's bewildered by the whole thing.

I'm curious if any of you had a similar experience. Was your or your spouse's A wrapped up in work?


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Ambergray
Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, January 24th (Friday)

My FWH's workaholism definitely played a part. The difference in our situation was that he did not work with the OW, but he was in a special project and working very stressfully for a year and she was his escape/coping mechanism from his stressful job. He also switched jobs and came out of the fog on his own and ended the A. When I found out about the A it had already been over for a while. He also acted differently during the A, bad moods, irritable, blamed me for everything wrong in his life. He is totally different now. Even our kids and people he used to work with at the old job tell him he seems happier now. I definitely think his job added to his weakness that led him to the A.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 24th (Friday)

But for the end of your story, mine is extremely similar. Work was the vehicle where they met, worked hard together, she filled him full of smoke, told him how his talents were wasted where he was, encouraged him to move in a different directions, etc.

It was hard for me when I would question him about the time he spent at her house, because they were often working. He helped her do her job (she was a step above him) and it was the job he wanted for himself. In many ways, I have often believed this affair was partly him confused over wanting the job vs. wanting her.

Ours didn't have such a tidy end, but his comments now are similar. He's lost the drive to move forward with the company, and gives zero shits about her. He says he never really thought of her as a nice person. He was completely invested for other reasons. Bizarro.

I have to admit though, I have a weird thing happens to me when I am working intently in my busy, stressful time. I will often start to have sex dreams about my male coworkers regardless of age or sexual orientation, lol. It's totally disturbing, but now I "get" that my subconscious just gets confused over the intensity of the work. I often wonder how many people start to take that shit seriously instead of understanding it for what it is.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6306 | Registered: Jan 2011
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 24th (Friday)

No, not workaholism per se....but think there was energy being directed outside of our M for a while before my wife had her A.

As I go through MC, read books on infidelity, adultery, FOO issues, and marriages....it appears to me a common trait to all.

A M becomes unhealthy and adultery more of an option when either or both spouses turn "away" from each other.

In my case, our M was turning away from each over time.
Partly FOO issues.....ignoring feelings, avoiding conflict, etc. etc.

Partly "life"...having kids, caring for sick family member, nurturing my career, etc etc.

The whole time we were subconsciously thinking "Our M? Oh, yeah, we will tend to that "later"".

Do this for years and adultery becomes more and more a real choice.

It sounds like your husband was no more looking to sleep with another person than my wife was....

That whole turning into an a$$? My wife didn't do that exactly...but there are very specific, very intentional choices made pre-A that we can NOW see lead to her journey to Adultery.

I think she did resist a bit....but shortly after meeting her fAP it was game on. Our lack of "turning towards each other" was the payment on adultery....it weakend my wifes committment over time to remain committed to me and our family.

It happened like a frog boiling in water.....hardly noticeable while it was happening. NOW we can see the burner was on high!

So in your case it was workaholism, in my case it might be kid-centric marriage, in another case it might be excessive attention to hobbies......

I think a real key to healthy M's is to turn towards each other intentionally and regularly.

Doesn't mean you have to do everything together or give up a challenging career....but you do have to have the courage to either say "I would like you to go fishing with me occasionally" or "Please take me to the theater this weekend".

I am still in MC....still trying to figure out what true mature intimacy looks like....but I think keeping track and committed to your priorities is a big player in this.

Short term adjusting priorities is healthy....if a child is sick, they are the priority. If a short duration project at work is career-critical, it is a priority. But both need to be entered into with the full understanding and idea that your relationship with your spouse is paramount.

Thats my opinion anyway.

Kyrie, I so appreciate your posts....I will re-read this one several times and see what you are offering to us....feel like I missed something.....

God be with us.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Well, the last OW was a COW. He did tell me once that he was stressed out at work because he wasn't selling many homes and we were barely making ends meet. OW was giving him a lot of attention. Telling him how awesome and amazing he was. I actually found something she posted on his facebook page back in May.
Your such a sweetie cl131716 is very lucky girl.. glad to know you thank you for teaching me all you know so I can be good like you..

He has a constant need for validation, however. Work stressed him out but I don't think workaholism is what really caused his A.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 24th (Friday)

hi blakesteel, thanks for your comments. Looks like you're learning a lot and I resonate with what you've written, too.

The reason I bring up workaholism is because as far as my fWH is concerned, it was the primary reason the A happened. He was a nobody (his thinking,) child of dysfunction, being elevated and praised by important community leaders and professionals and heralded as the one to usher in something new into the community - something big, expensive, something no one had ever attempted. People were blowing smoke up his ass all the time and it was intoxicating. He prided himself on working 80 hours a week. He was absolutely consumed. And yes, we were struggling with young children, very child centric marriage, M was flat. Definitely a big disconnect happening.

He said he never felt like he was going to work when he left in the morning. And of course, the OW was there waiting for him, ready and willing. But he says going to work wasn't because he got to see her, rather he couldn't get enough of the atmosphere there that made him feel important.

When he quit and we moved away, he changed dramatically with regards to his work life. In retrospect, we both see how he shifted into neutral. He is very good at his job, but he isn't obsessed. Dr. Barbara Killinger's life work on workaholism is very eye opening. She describes my H exactly.

And we're doing really well now. My H is healthy, continues to work through his issues with an IC, and is devoted to me and our kids. The reason I raise this issue is that for him, the A played out within a unique set of circumstances. He was in an environment that massaged his ego and puffed him up - he felt entitled and that he could do no wrong. Neither one of us recognize the person he became during that time.

Now for the sticking point: his business is about to start a major capital campaign. He says that he is a little nervous that he might struggle with balance, with becoming consumed by the work. And if he's nervous, then I am, too.

Workaholism paved the way for his A. His A was completely wrapped up in the work they were doing. He chose to pursue her while he pursued fame and glory -- and he can't separate the two pursuits.

I'm rambling and I guess I'm not really sure what it is I'm thinking. I just was hoping to hear from folks who have some experience with the A being a symptom of an addiction to work. The fact that he can't talk about the A separate from his work seems to add another dimension to our R.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Yes, I would say workaholism played part. In our case, WH has worked for the same company for over 15 years. The company has grown and there are never enough people for the demand. I used to defend him and his long hours, but that changed. For the past couple of years, I would just say "Yep, he works A LOT. It sucks." His role has become more visible in the company and his hours and travel have steadily increased. He would pride himself that he put in more hours than any of his team and that he was always on top of his email.

Meanwhile at home, he was short with me and the kids. I would ask him to be home at least ONCE a week before 7:00pm and he would never stick to it, as he always too busy or had a meeting, etc. When he was home, he would put the kids to bed which many nights including arguing with them, and then go directly to his laptop and work. He would literally be with us maybe an hour each night. He would logon on weekends as well. It was becoming harder to have him home as he was always stressed and discontent and it was easier and more peaceful when he was gone. I didn''t like him either. I remember feeling anxiety when he would finally come home at night. When we fought it was about his schedule and that we were his second priority. I remember when we moved, he was "too busy" and couldn''t even take half a day to help. He I would tell him that something had to give or I cannot do this alone anymore. It fell on deaf ears or he would pacify me and say that it will slow down in June or by Christmas or whenever, it never did. It only ramped-up more.

In reality, he was spiraling downwards. He finally had the position and prestige he wanted, but hated it. He was stuck in meetings after meetings and constant barrage of emails. He felt like he was slaving away, being miserable, and doing all this for us and the kids and here I am asking him to get a better life balance, heck, didn''t I know who he was at this company, he can''t let them down. They needed him! He was disconnecting from us more and more. He wasn''t a hero at home, but he could be one at work so why not spend more time where people admired him and told him how fantastic you are?

Can you guess what happened? The 40 year-old senior manager and the 23 year-old chicky that he mentors start complimenting each other left and right. They "get" each other. Their wives and boyfriend don''t "understand" their jobs and how "important" they are. And hell, they are both "hot and attractive" and sexually dissatisfied. Yada, yada, yada you all know the crap they tell. She invites him over to her apartment for a lunch quickie and there goes our marriage. Yep, basically it was a one week EA and 45 minutes of PA. I confront the next day. WH hands over chat logs and emails and I restore the texts.

When I asked if he felt it necessary to clear the air, he replied, "No, she knew what she was getting into." This I struggle with, as I am glad he didn''t care for her and we didn''t have to worry about "lurve", but on the other hand it makes what he did seem so cold, cheap and pathetic. He admits that the A was his rock bottom and the COW was the eager accomplice. He says that when he realized she was willing, he became more obsessed with the idea of an affair. If she hadn''t been willing, he would have gravitated to someone else. He had this need to escape and wanted to be in this fantasy-land. He even said he wanted to be like George Clooney and be the mature guy that all the young ladies thought was hot at work. Would you say he was a bit disconnected or maybe entitled or arrogant? Maybe all three? Yep, it is the sad catastrophic tale of mid-life crisis man meets girl with father issues. It is so textbook and cliche that it just KILLS me.

Post A, he changed roles and teams. It has made a huge difference. He''s woken up and he is present and invested. He is becoming a healthier person. I would have said we had a good marriage before, but with IC and MC, it is now obvious that WH wasn''t able to or didn''t know how to have deep connections or intimacy with anyone. He was a loner. Add conflict-avoider, selfish, and having a habit of lying or lying by omission and I had/have one unhealthy husband.

We are 7 months out and doing okay. He is still processing and learning more about himself. I have my legs under me and I becoming me again. I do struggle with how I/we will be able to move forward.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 11:49 PM, January 24th (Friday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Yes! My husband is a workaholic. 7 days a week! If he's not at work, he's texting about work or on the phone about work or we're talking about work. His EA was with an employee. The first female he had ever made GM. He's a very shy and private person. The OW is like the male version of my husband. They both work all the time and work is their life. I can see why they hit ot off. We had grown so far apart and were barely communicating. When we did talk it was about business. I resented the business so I hated to hear about it. My eyes would glaze over and every few minutes I would say "uh huh, really". When he promoted her they had to communicate a lot so he eventually started to turn to her about work. She gets him in ways I don't. She liked to talk about his favorite subject, Work. He never would have let her in if it wasn't for work. To make matters worse, his buisness is a family business (partners with his dad) so his FOO issues cross over into it...Causing more stress. His workaholism stems from his FOO issues.

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Xs IC told him work was his first mistress. I believe he threw himself into work as part of the entitled, wayward mindset life he was heading for. He was an accountant doing data entry, FFS. Not curing cancer.

I'm quite a senior assistant and I've supported many busy executives through enormously difficult and challenging times. There are workaholics who still have their family as their top priority even during times when they can't spend as much time with them as they like. They work like mad all day long and carve out time with their family as much as they can.

Then there are workaholics who faff around chit-chatting for half of the day. Sure they do long hours but lots of time is wasted throughout the day. These are the ones who think they are the priority in their family, not the other way around.

I believe the workaholism is a part of the A - that sense of entitlement, selfishness and detaching from the BS and family is what leads to affairs.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5411 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:31 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Oh my gosh, Ilinia, I could have written word for word your response as if it was my own! Isn't that amazing? Check out Dr. Barbara Killinger findings re workaholism. Scubachick, Amber, Rebreather and SBB, thank you for responding - we are definitely talking about the same stuff.

I'm not sure what this information does for me. Am I not as threatened by the A as I would be had it been in a different context? Maybe a little. Or like Ilinia said,

I am glad he didn't care for her and we didn't have to worry about "lurve", but on the other hand it makes what he did seem so cold, cheap and pathetic.

Workaholism is the respectable addiction. No one is going to criticize a guy for working hard and devoting his life to his job. Heck, in this country we encourage it.

My H says that one of the red flags towards the end of the affair was when he was interviewed by a magazine and was asked to describe outside hobbies and other interests outside work, and he didn't have anything! Nothing! That and then later missing an important event for his son because he was so busy working. Too bad that cheating on his wife wasn't a big enough red flag to get his attention, too. He says it was but not like those two events . Such a sad and pathetic time in his life. He was so incredibly messed up. Thank God he is now sober. But I do worry he could relapse.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Hurthalo
Member
Member # 41782
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

My wife's affair was the result of work; namely, the fact that her and OM were sharing an inbox and doing the job of 3 people together. While this was going on we both finishing Masters degrees off of a night and trying to raise a toddler. We simply took our marriage for granted and made it a low priority.

Coffee breaks turned into lunch breaks, which turned into lunch time runs...next thing you know they were off to make out during runs and after work.

Still absolutely no excuse, but throwing two
people together with a common goal, with both of them spending more time of a day together than with their partners is a very dangerous situation.


Forgive the unforgivable, or bear the unbearable.

Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married 2 years
2y old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13


Posts: 131 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

If your unaware of the danger and don't have clear lines its easy to get "caught up" in a work place romance. Several years ago I worked closely with a woman, married woman. All of our conversations were normal non flirty nothing sexual. Yet we started to form a bond. Slowly, conversations turned into what her husband did wrong and how he didn't understand her. Then I would get "work related" texts and calls. Those turned into what you doing. She always texted or called first. Still nothing flirty or sexual. This was 13 or 14 months, during which time I met and started dating my wife.

One day she did something different with her hair and I complimented her on it, which she said "yeah my husband never noticed". The bashing of her husband was now about an hour or two a day. I talked with my wife who was living with me now and she said "be careful with that woman, she has a crush on you". Now having been a BS by my first wife some four years before you would think I would be aware. I wasn't, but now it all made sense. I had been indirectly involved in an EA for some 18 or 19 months. I transfered and cut off contact. She became slightly obsessed. At one point she asked why was I doing this to her, and she had feelings for me.

I did something that, looking back on it was shakey at best. I asked her to lunch. Her face lite up and said sure I would love that. My intentions were noble. At lunch I told her my story of betrayal, the fallout, the heartbreak the lost years after. I asked her is this what you want in your life? And walked away. She never contacted me again and actually resigned her position. Never heard from her again.

Scary part, I was attracted to this woman and not for having met my wife and pointing this out, I could have ended up in a full blown A


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Thanks for sharing more details Kyrie.

I have taken several tests this past 17 months....wanted to list them and mention one point about them...because I have a tendency to "over achieve " like your husband. I use to think it was all honorable and healthy, but am aware of a dark side of this too.


.Love Languages quiz. Primary love language is Words of a Affirmation . words of affirmation, which is why my no PM female SI members is important to me.

Myers-brigs personality test. I am ENTJ.....drawn to leading by my enthusiastic, willing, orderly, structured , goal oriented, outgoing nature. Would be GREAT except I have trouble saying NO when others need help at work or a new project is conceived and CEO is looking for a volunteer.

DISC personality test. I am an "influencer"....very optimistic, enjoys group projects and motivating people to " join the team ". "Will find themselves in leadership positions and will wonder how they got there".

Spiritual Gifts Test ....."administrator".....God given talent to organize and motivate.

I also took tests that show I have "over achiever and perfectionist tendencies" as well as a large gap between how other people view me and how I view myself.

Okay ..,. Now to my point and the possible tie into your husband.

The list above might appear great on the surface level. But when the person that has those traits has less-than-pure -motives underneath them....they can actually be a path to disconnection.

There are different motivations underneath workaholism.....the affects might be the same (suffering marriage), but treatment for it will need to be varied.

Examples;

If he is working so much to provide for the family....maybe he could find a better paying job or you could ? (Same money, less hours )

If he is working so much because his business is swamped....maybe it's time to hire more employees? (Same production, less hours)

If he is working so much because he needs external validation....maybe counseling is needed to ferret out the root cause if that? ( seek fulfillment in healthy ways)

If he is working so much because he desires true intimacy in his marriage but doesn't know how to get that so he avoids being uncomfortable....maybe he needs to open up to you? (Reduce the fear that holds him back )


Hope I am making sense. I believe I am a mix of all of those and more ! I am choosing differently now in an effort to grow. I still have a strong work ethic and like to work. It's just another "Motivation check" I do now before I act. I am getting out of the rut of how I always did things.

I have seen the results , not as good as I had hoped for.....time to change some inputs .

Co-workers have noticed.....asked me if everything is all right because "you don't volunteer like you use too".

I respond "I'm good, just keeping track of my priorities better ".

It does feel better.....strange at first because of how long I had operated without clear commitment to priorities ....really thought I could do it all and had time to do it all. I don't.

God, wife , our girls, everything else. That is my priority list.

Doesn't mean I don't move them around occasionally.....I still have a rigorous demanding job that will require 18 hour shifts occasionally, still have young daughters with activities that need tended too, but I keep my commitment to check up my motivation and to get back to my priorities regularly.....NOT "when I have time ", which is how I operated before.

What does your husbands priority lust look like? Yours? How big of an influence are you on his list, him in your list?

He may have healthy motivations underneath, I do too....but he may have issues that are needing attention as well. I can more clearly identify most of my motivations now.....and those tests really helped fill in the picture . The results show the good parts.....but also point out my "pitfalls"--that area I need to be cautious of being.


God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:40 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Yep, a burnt out workaholic. Was gone over 14 hours a day. Worked every weekend. No vacation or downtime. Had to prove something to the world and himself, which all stems from Foo.

EVERY conversation we had for 10 year revolved around his work in some way. BTDT. It gets stale after a while. Isn't there a saying about all work makes Jack a dull boy? He was so bitter and nasty to be around, he hated the world and everyone in it.

The worst part was I enabled and encouraged him to work as hard as he did, because I thought it's what he wanted. I wanted anything that would make him happy. I was proud of him. I helped him -- a lot.

He became more and more self-important and I hate that I helped feed that beast. But at the same time being a former workaholic myself I was worried about him and tried to point out that he was going to crash in a hard way.

He did crash -- big time. Now work means nothing to him.

His affair coincided with a promotion, and he wasn't even pleased about that. I thought his odd behavior had something to do with the job change.

Workaholism is the respectable addiction. No one is going to criticize a guy for working hard and devoting his life to his job. Heck, in this country we encourage it.

Exactly!!! All I heard was how great my husband was because he worked all the time. He was a great worker, but a terrible husband.


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Kyrie and Blakesteele: I am re-reading this thread this morning and there are many similarities. I will also take a look at Dr. Killinger's work. Thanks for the recommendation!

I'm pondering the "nobody" child term that was used. WH may be similar in a way. He was raised in an radically religious family. His father was the minister, so he was poor, moved around, saw himself as odd when compared to the other kids, and as an only child so he spent much of his time at church with adults.

He didn't really have friends until high school, but he wasn't really connected with them either. He is extremely intelligent, so he built this wall or defense of "I will show them someday. I will prove to everyone that I am smart, attractive, and successful" attitude.

I think his workaholism covers all of the areas blakesteels mentions:

Provide for his family: He was poor and he was determined his kids would have opportunities that he never had. He wanted to be able to pay for whatever college they wanted to go to.

Business is swamped: His company is growing like crazy, they are always hiring, but there is always more work than people. Even his new position is starting to become really busy. (This is a similar concern with Kyrie, will he be able to manage it? I would say that family has finally become first priority, but will it last?)

He needs external validation: He was visible, successful, and he felt like he finally had the position he deserved.

Avoiding true intimacy: He avoids conflict, so even though he wanted us to have a better relationship, he had no idea how to communicate it to me, so he avoided it.

The only thing missing out the "I will show them" was the feeling sexy/attractive, hence the George Clooney-like fantasy when he was spiraling down. He didn't even go into the A thinking it was relationship, it was purely for ego and escapism. He was so arrogant and shallow in the chats. Oh, and the lies that were told. It is hard to come to terms that IS/WAS my husband.

Today he is embarrassed and humbled by his actions. He says that he wished he could travel back and just slap himself into reality. I don't think he even recognized the a$$hole he became.

Needless to say, we are mending. He is addressing many of these issues in IC, so we are kind of on a "wait and see" approach.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:12 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Quick question: Did any of your WH experience ED due to stress? That is another facet in our tale and how it impacted his confidence and influenced the A.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 9:39 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

The worst part was I enabled and encouraged him to work as hard as he did, because I thought it's what he wanted. I wanted anything that would make him happy. I was proud of him. I helped him -- a lot.

Me too! I was his biggest enabler. I covered his share of the parenting, housework etc. I made excuses for him on why he wasn't at family functions, school functions, games. I was alone all the time. I refused to ask him to take time off or spend time with me because I didn't want him around unless he really wanted to be there. I didn't call him out on his excuses of not having time to do things. I knew he was under a lot of stress and I didn't want to be the cause of making it worse.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

He didn't even go into the A thinking it was relationship, it was purely for ego and escapism.

Yes, this.
There is a big difference between As that happen at work and As that are intrinsically part of workaholism. For people like my H, the A was an expression of the obsession with work. That's why he continues to say the affair had nothing to do with the who the OW was.

The three traits of workaholism are perfectionism, obsession and narcissism, each feeding the next on a continuum. My H pursued perfection (lots of FOO crap) and he did this to the point that he became obsessed with his wok. But, of course, perfectionism was out of reach, so anxiety developed into obsessive compulsive behavior to offset the pressure to perform. Anxiety only grows as stress continues - so of course, he experienced ED at times and not just with me, but with the AP as well. As he became more obsessed, he became more task oriented and preoccupied with himself. He became narcissistic in the worst way. Killinger says

the narcissistic workaholic spins a web that entangles and snares whoever and whatever he/she attaches to for self aggrandizement and security.
A-ha! Affair with co-worker! His denial of the disaster he was creating helped him to avoid reality. ilinia, you said your H spiraled - well, that's exactly what workaholics do, they spiral out of control until they self destruct.

Often as I read about other people's A stories, I was tempted to lay their experiences over my H's experience. Boy, did this create a lot of additional turmoil in R. Workaholic affairs are very different. He absolutely cannot talk about the OW or the A apart from the work he was doing. In fact, he says the A was more about control than about anything else. He started looking for another job in order to get out 4 months before he ended the A and announced his resignation. Why? Why would you keep the A going if you knew it was devastating everything? He says, I had to control the situation until I could exit safely.

When other people talk about the difficulty in ending the A, it's often tied thoughts of love or the high from being wanted or having some kind of bond with the AP. Not so with my H - he uses the word control. And oh my gosh, he was so OUT of control.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Exactly, scubachick. My H is so remorseful over what an absent father he was. He's remorseful over how alone and isolated I became in my efforts to manage the home front while he chased after his foolish dream. I've struggled with the notion that I enabled him to the point that he was able to have an affair. If his addiction was to some substance, I doubt I would have been such a willing participant. But how could you not want to support a spouse who is doing important work - work that in turn, pays the bills? We were both out of balance big time.

This is why we are both so devoted to intentional living. My H is a lot like a recovering alcoholic. He will always have to monitor himself, rely on his IC, and revisit his priorities. And I suppose I'm much more interested and willing to enable those behaviors than those that simply make him a harder worker.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Check out Dr. Barbara Killinger findings re workaholism.

We have that book too, just haven't read it yet. Thanks for the reminder Kyrie.

It's funny you mention control and not feelings with the exit. That was a big thing my husband talked about after dday and thinking he had things under control all along or keeping things under control and I pointed out that he had nothing under control for a long time. He'd given all his personal power and control away without even realizing it.

My H is a lot like a recovering alcoholic. He will always have to monitor himself, rely on his IC, and revisit his priorities.

Now when husband hears of people go on and on about the importance of their job he just looks at me and gives me the 'I'm so glad I'm not like that anymore' look. He doesn't ever want to get back to making work a focus or taking on a lot of work.


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

What initially attracted me to my husband 20 years ago was the passion and dedication he had for his work. I still love to watch him work from across the room...when he's not aware I'm watching. He's very good at what he does. I've always admired how he never gives up until he finds a solution to the problem. I can remember I use to say to him how I wish I knew what it felt like to be so passionate about something. Little did I know that it wasn't passion, it was addiction. He is equal partners with his family in business that he built and runs. In his dysfunctional family, equal partners mean my husband does all the work while the rest of the family reap the benefits and take the credit for the success of the business. The "passion" that I saw is really a child like need/desire to please his parents. For them to say good job, we're proud of you and I love you. This will never ,ever happen. It's how they control him and keep him doing all the work.

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

DixieD, it's like reading my own story! Isn't that amazing? And in some way it makes me feel not so threatened by the A or the OW - I mean, yes that was bad and the repercussions are far reaching, but there's something bigger at play. I'm so glad your H has woken up to the truth of his addiction.

And scubachick, I'm the same way. I've always been drawn to my H's work ethic (?) and intelligence. But like you, I now see the little boy inside him who is working feverishly to redeem the failings of his father and dysfunctional family. Deep down, my H believed that "doing" rather than just "being" was necessary for the confirmation of his life. Such a sad and lost way of thinking. I wonder if your H feels somewhat trapped in his work situation. Can you imagine how freeing it would be for him to be somewhere else?

So much redemption has happened in these last 2 years of R. My choosing to stay with him because I love him, regardless of what he's done or is doing has been a surprise of grace. He gets it now - he doesn't have to accomplish anything to be OK. The only thing he has to do is be authentic, to be honest with himself, with me and with others. He is indeed a changed man - truly humbled by it all and determined to overcome these demons. There's an element of joy in watching him connect with his inner self, watching him find satisfaction from within rather than seeking it out there somewhere.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

100%.

We were fine for 10+ years until he started a new, high powered, high stress job.

He managed to live this dual life for 15 months, but it took a toll on his health and our M was showing signs of suffering (I didn't have a clue why - I just thought he was obsessed with work.) He had turned into a royal a$$, lacked compassion, was distracted and irritable. Looking back, the period before and during the A, my fWH's personality changed. Not only did I not recognize him, I didn't like him.

^^ THIS!

I didn't like who he was at that job at all. But I thought he needed time to adjust. I got an offer for a job out of state that would only last a few months and I took it to give him time and space to acclimate to the new pressures he was under without me and our dog getting in the way (he always made me feel like I was vaguely pestering him).

After I left, the job really started not going well. COW stepped in and became his "yes" person and defender. The rest is history.

We even agreed on DDay if he had never taken that job, and if I never left, none of this would have happened.

Unfortunately it was too broken by the time I found out. And he was never good at admitting defeat or taking criticism. He wasn't able to admit he had screwed up his job and he wasn't willing to quit (my condition for R). He sacrificed me for the job and, shortly after that, I found out he was demoted anyway.

What a waste.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

PhantomLimb, I'm so sorry it turned out that way for you. Dr. Barbara Killinger says that it's really difficult for workaholics to find their way out of their demise on their own. Because they lose so much of themselves over the course of their breakdown, it becomes next to impossible to change course. They go through such profound personality changes that are mostly subconscious and lose the ability for any insight. She says that without awareness, transformation and recovery from the cruel addiction can't begin. Often it takes a major health crisis or personal failure to rattle them enough to seek help. But even then, as in your case, that's still not enough. Your H couldn't take criticism or admit defeat because he was in such deep denial and had developed an unhealthy level of narcissism. His demotion is not surprising either. Many workaholics end up becoming inferior employees. Ambitious thinking ends up dominating all feelings and as a result, the ability to feel compassion and empathy for others atrophies.

Workaholism is truly a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde story. As you can attest, the workaholic ends up sacrificing everything, including themselves.

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry you had to experience it. It's incredibly tragic.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I was alone all the time.

Yep. My parents would visit each week (2 hours round trip) to help with cleaning the house, mowing our lawn, and other household task because WH worked so much that they felt like they needed to help me. I would be at a neighborhood park with the kids and the typically opening line to me was "Hi Ilinia, is WH working or traveling tonight?"

I do have to say that I wasn't a willing enabler. I fought it tooth and nail. I wanted him to be home, so we could be a family. I suggested we move to a smaller house, so he could take a less paying job. At the peak of our discussions, I would say that I wouldn't have had kids if this is what our life was going to look like. I hated it. I wanted to have a life WITH him and no matter how many times I would say we are out of balance or something has to give, he never recognized or saw that he was trapped in this cycle. He didn't see anything wrong with it.

the narcissistic workaholic spins a web that entangles and snares whoever and whatever he/she attaches to for self aggrandizement and security.

So true! WH has said the COW was only a "prop" in his fantasy-land. It is hard to understand how the man I married became/transformed into this man.

Maybe we need our own "I Can Relate" thread!

Thanks for starting this thread Kyrie, it has really help me to process more of the A reading about others who were in similar situations.

eta:
Another thing unique to the workaholic A: His identity was so tied to and associated with his work BUT he did the very thing that would blow up everything he had worked for. He risked his career, reputation, and his team's faith in him. These are things he prided himself on prior, but after the A he lost integrity with his team and leadership. It is such a strange dynamic.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 7:20 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

ILINIA, thanks for your contributions! Some of our biggest fights, esp. during the A, was over his lack of help and involvement. He would get so bent out of shape and would say things like, you're too dependent on me! It was awful. My self esteem took a hit and I slipped into some serious depression. I felt the same way about the choice to have kids. So much grief during DD is realizing that all of those times were caused by his skewed perspective, his obsession and narcissism. And it makes me hate the OW all the more because she enabled it and claimed to be his friend. What kind of friend encourages those qualities? Just makes me sick.

I approached SI mods about opening this thread on the I Can Relate forum and they felt there would not be enough interest to carry it. If you and others find this discussion helpful, maybe it can eventually be moved there.

(((ILINIA))) Thank you for commiserating with me. It's helped me a bunch, too.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

And it makes me hate the OW all the more because she enabled it and claimed to be his friend. What kind of friend encourages those qualities? Just makes me sick.

And encourages them to lie to us and also jeopardize the security and stability of the kids? Yeah, they are no prize either. I won't say more than that, but believe me I could go on and on about this topic!

Started reading Dr. Killinger and her opening paragraph spoke to me:

Workaholism is a soul-destroying addiction that changes people's personality and the values they live by. It distorts the reality of each family member, threatens family security and often leads to family break-up. Tragically, workaholics eventually suffer the loss of personal and professional integrity.

It is similar to what I had added above:

Another thing unique to the workaholic A: His identity was so tied to and associated with his work BUT he did the very thing that would blow up everything he had worked for. He risked his career, reputation, and his team's faith in him. These are things he prided himself on prior, but after the A he lost integrity with his team and leadership. It is such a strange dynamic.

I think I found what I am going to be reading tonight!

ETA: Kyrie - I think SBB was right that work was the first mistress. It is sad how we internalized being second on their list. As if that wasn't bad enough, then came the A and we became third and it went to a whole other level of being disregarded, disrespected, and misunderstood. Ahh, such a mess.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 8:04 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

My WH was under intense pressure at work and I was resentful about the long hours, my WH coming home miserable. I wasn't the slightest bit interested in what was going on at the office. Unfortunately for me there was someone at work who was interested..


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Very true ILINIA.

Because we were talking about this thread, my husband picked the Workaholic book off the shelf and started reading it. He's not comfortable posting on this thread himself, as a WS and risk triggering any BS, but he thinks this is a good/valid thread.

There is a quiz at the beginning of the book and he answered it as he would have answered it before and then as he feels now. He was 26/30 (if you are over 20 you are likely a workaholic) and now his ranking is a 9/30. Big difference. Even though he's recognized and changed his behavior it surprised him to see the numbers in black and white.

I see this author has other interesting books, Integrity: Doing the right thing for the right reasons and The Balancing Art: Rediscovering Feelings. Just curious, has anyone read her other books?

Kudos to the author for diving into this subject which doesn't get enough recognition.


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

DixieD, so glad you've added to the thread. That's just great news about your H's transformation. That's a big, big thing! He has certainly come a long way.

I discovered Dr. Killinger through Psychology Today. She wrote a monthly on-line blog for them about workaholism. I read her Workaholics book and my H read her Integrity book. We have the Balancing Act book, but haven't gotten to it, yet.

I so identified with Dr. K that I called her and corresponded with her. I felt like I was talking to my guru who was giving voice to my and my H's experience. Sadly, Dr. Killinger died this summer. She battled lymphoma for several years. I'm so glad that I reached out to her as she has been integral to our R.

ILINIA, I distinctly remember one blow up with my H during his A days - I said to him, You have a mistress! Your job is your mistress! Looking back, I remember he had such a look of shock on his face when I said that. In that instant, I'm sure he thought I had found out about the A and was confronting him. Obviously, his work had taken priority in his life. I just had no idea that it included another woman.

Girlietoo - ditto. That hurts, doesn't it?

By the way, Everybody, I'm in bed fighting the last days of the flu. That's why I'm writing so much - thanks for responding to my thread.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 25th (Saturday)


Another thing unique to the workaholic A: His identity was so tied to and associated with his work BUT he did the very thing that would blow up everything he had worked for. He risked his career, reputation, and his team's faith in him. These are things he prided himself on prior, but after the A he lost integrity with his team and leadership. It is such a strange dynamic.

Exactly! My husband defines himself through his business and how much money he makes. He thinks the only way to show someone you love them is to buy them nice things. I've told him a million times that nice things, fancy cars, yachts are nice and all and appreciate what a good provider he is but what good is all of that if your alone? He hasn't made it to a single football game in 3 years and our son is the starting quarterbook. The principal at my son's school thought I was a single mom and offered to spend time with my son! Our counselor thinks that when my husband finally gets it, that he is going to have a really hard time dealing with the fact that he missed out on our son's childhood. He only has one more year of high school left . Has anyone read the book, The man his mistook his wife for a hat? It's about workaholics.

Part of the reason I never worried about him working with women is because he had such rigid boundaries with employee's..especially female employee's. He wanted employee's to see him as perfect. He never showed any weakness or shared personal info. He use to get mad at me if I said he was sleeping when someone from work would call. like who doesn't sleep? So it shocked me that he would put himself in that position and jeopardize his business. He's convinced himself that no one knows about his EA and that she would never tell anyone. I told him he's kidding himself. People aren't blind.


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
fadedrainbow
Member
Member # 9280
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

This is a great thread. I was in a long term marriage and my XH had a very demanding and high powered job. I supported him for years by making his home life perfect, raising the kids, etc. so he could advance and he did, right o the top of his profession. He was also a very high functioning alcoholic. After Dday, he quit drinking. He would not however decrease his work load which was one of my conditions for R. As other posters have noted, these workaholics get respect , praise and admiration because of their hard earned success and it was no different in my case.My XH divorced me a few years ago, and now has even more success, more money than he ever needs, and for what? He will never be able to fill that hole by seeking something outside. He is getting ready to retire this year and my DD says he is really worried about it. I am happy to read that many of your H's have woken up and have changed their priorities in life. I so wish that would have been my story. FR


me: FBW
D-Day May 2005
divorced December 2009


Posts: 132 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: UK
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Me, too, faded. It's too bad that he's created his whole identity out of something that is getting ready to stop. It will be interesting to see what he does to cope or if he hits rock bottom. Some people develop serious health problems as they spiral out of control. So much adrenaline pumping through my husband did permanent damage to one of his vocal cords. Every time he speaks, he is reminded of what he sacrificed -- all for a biz that later went bankrupt. Such a sad waste.

It's the respectable addiction. In China they have a special name for it and the literal translation is death by work.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Just a thought: after our S/D, I blocked him from all social media to maintain NC. But I knew his photos of us were still on FB because they were still tagged on my profile (I got rid of 95% of his... Just kept the ones where I look cute! )

Anyway , friends eventually told me that those photos were still up and even his PROFILE photos up to 10 months after the D.

When they finally went down as his profile pics, guess what replaced them?

You guessed it-- aerial photos of the place where he works.

This idea that the job was the true mistress makes SO MUCH SENSE. That is the best way to describe how he treated his jobs around me for years. They always came first. Always. And I always got in the way because I made him take a step back.

He NCed OW easy. What I couldn't get him to do was NC the job. When we set up a MC and I asked him to take a leave to focus on us, the first thing he said? "Okay, but I'll have to bring work with me." (!?!?!) I told him leave the work at work and save our M or don't bother at all.

He stayed at work.

And you know, the biggest TT I got after DDay wasn't about OW. It was about the job. At one point as we were false R I warned him that he was shitting where he was eating with the A, it was already clear his other coworkers hated him and it was probably the case that the job was kind of doomed. I suggested he get out now, apart from me. He was less than a year in, so he could still claim it was just a bad fit if he applied elsewhere. I got a whole song and dance about how much he loved the job, how amazing he is at it, that he was about to get a huge promotion, etc etc.

Found out from a former coworker of his just this week that he got pushed out of his office shortly after that. Into a position he told me he never wanted.

And he hired OW as his assistant. What a genius.

And finally, when he went into IC, his number one compliant about me was that I kept him away from work by insisting he take breaks.

I think you hit on something so key here.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
catlover50
Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 5:37 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I'm going to jump in here. My H's A was also strictly "work" related. Started with an employee who needed mentoring and treated him like a God, as her marriage was failing. She was very needy but apparently that fed something in him. He has even said that is wasn't about the sex, and suspects that both of them were using the sex to get the validation. He tried, and mostly succeeded, to keep all contact during work hours and dalliances around work emergencies (medicine).

I had talked to him for years about how work was his top priority and he always denied it. He works long hours, with lots of call and is (was) on his phone at all hours (not typically with OW, though). He now admits that I was right all along and has readjusted his priorities. He even puts the phone down whenever possible!

The thing is, work was where he felt competent, powerful, in control. He was the boss, the MAN. He felt the opposite around intimacy and connection. It makes sense that he would want to do what made him feel good and avoid what made him feel inferior.

The OW was an extension of that, until she wasn't. Until she became demanding and wanted something like intimacy, which was not at all in the game plan.

Now he realizes that all that work really did not give him what he was seeking (and that the A just made it worse). Now that he is starting to be able to connect emotionally and feel attachment he is feeling more content and happy and has less to prove at work. Now he gets annoyed when work interferes with our time!

[This message edited by catlover50 at 5:39 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1709 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Another thing unique to the workaholic A: His identity was so tied to and associated with his work BUT he did the very thing that would blow up everything he had worked for. He risked his career, reputation, and his team's faith in him. These are things he prided himself on prior, but after the A he lost integrity with his team and leadership. It is such a strange dynamic
.

I have to quote this as well as it hits so close to home for me and our sitch. It so applied to everything going on with us. The more he spent at work the more his work became his "family". All his stories would be about the people around his work and if we went to dinner all he can talk about are stories about other people. Basically strangers to me and his children. His whole identity became about work. So why not have a "work wife" as well? Thats what I called her at the time....his work wife.

I can also relate to the above post because he would put everything into his work but then ALWAYS implode it some how. I even said one day after the A "why do you always seem to implode your whole life every 5-7 years?"

I can also relate to feeling alone ALL THE TIME.

It is true that I as the BS should have been the one to have the A as I was negleted and ignored and was left alone all the time. And I would complain and tell him I wanted him home and he wasn't around the kids enough and there was no support, etc....


Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

When they finally went down as his profile pics, guess what replaced them?

You guessed it-- aerial photos of the place where he works.

I have to laugh about this because I can really relate and it's something me and my son still joke about. My husband's business involves boats. We stopped going on vacations years ago but when my son was between the ages of 4-7 we went on a cruise every summer. My husband would do all the video taping and record all the memories. All of our vacations videos show different boats. Boats at dock, boats at every port, boats we passed along the way and occasionally he'd turn the camera on our son. he's a sick man!


Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

The thing is, work was where he felt competent, powerful, in control. He was the boss, the MAN. He felt the opposite around intimacy and connection. It makes sense that he would want to do what made him feel good and avoid what made him feel inferior.

The OW was an extension of that, until she wasn't. Until she became demanding and wanted something like intimacy, which was not at all in the game plan.

Yes, same here, Catlover. He had insecurities he could cover better through work and it was easier than life/emotions/relationships. He had no signs of withdrawal or pining over AP. He ended it and wanted it over.

During his affair, I thought he was still working all the time, but really he was spending time with AP. She was very demanding. Yet work still came first. He talked and thought about it constantly, because that's all he had, and she worshipped his God-like presence. That was her job.

At one point I said -- he was just like my alcoholic father and I was not going to be like my mother, so get your shit together. He broke down crying, saying he didn't want to be like my father. I also gave him the signs of burn-out and said -- you have all of them. He argued with me and pointed to some he disagreed with. Ok, whatever. The funny thing was, after dday he opened his wallet and showed me that he'd kept that piece of paper I gave him. So he didn't dismiss it completely. But he still kept his affair going for few months after that. He was a floundering addict who hadn't hit rock bottom yet.

He confessed when he realized our marriage was ending and he didn't want that. Right after he told me he'd had an affair he offered to quit his job, because even he knew that's where a major problem came from and he'd promised to cut back on work years earlier only to take on more. I didn't want him to quit his job for me. I wasn't sure we were going to stay married, so why quit his job. AP was not at workplace. His job became a distance 2nd and within 6 months of dday, he quit. Never missed it and was relieved to be away from it.

Kyrie, I'm sorry to hear Dr. Killinger passed away, but it's great that you got to correspond with her and get her help. I'll have to see if I can find her articles and other books. Thanks. ....and sorry you have the flu!

[This message edited by DixieD at 9:14 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Oh my, all I want to say is "me too, me too"! The story about changing the pictures on Facebook and only taking pictures of boats, I get it. I always assumed if WH got a tattoo it would be of his companies logo! How sad is that?!?! Or TTing with work! That hit home as well. Like many of you, I became the enemy because I was trying to get him to invest in his life verses his work. Silly me.

Kyrie - I hope you are feeling better! The flu isn't fun, but glad you decided to post, as it has been so helpful! I am sorry to hear about Dr. Killinger. I am relating to everything she says. It must have been a great experience to have her as a resource. She would be proud that you are sharing her work and helping others.

Last night WH and I read some of the articles from her blog and we found the 30 quiz questions on another site. I feel so validated and not like I was crazy. Things I have said for years or I have typed here on SI are almost verbatim on her blog!

Since the A I have been researching everything from sexual addiction, NPD, emotionally unavailable men, etc. I could see some of WH actions in each one of those, but none were a fit. It wasn't that I needed a diagnosis, but I just wanted more of an understanding. Reading this thread and reading her blog, I felt like all of you and Dr. Killinger knew my WH!

DixieD - WH took the quiz with the mindset he was in about a year ago. He scored a 26/30. We will give it a few months and see how his mindset has changed. Love that your WH has made a huge change. How far out are you from DDay?

Realitybites - After the A, I said something similar to WH like "If anyone should have had an A it should have been me. I was lonely and alone. Whenever I would reach out, you would shut me down or ignore me. I tried. You never tried."

The thing is, work was where he felt competent, powerful, in control. He was the boss, the MAN. He felt the opposite around intimacy and connection.

Catlover ^^^^After reading some of the articles last night, WH said that he is hoping that once he has been successful at managing his work life that it will open the door for compassion and empathy. This is big for me, because after the A and even now, I felt like he couldn't show/feel empathy or compassion. It seemed like he was trying, but he just couldn't. I would be so jealous of the men who cried with their BS, I felt like my WH was a robot. Since he could not show me this, I was mad and sad, but also saw it as a detriment to R.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Yes, yes, and yes! TEXT BOOK, y'all!!

And thanks for the laughs - the aerial photos on FB in place of family picts - cracks me up! Videos of boats from family vacations - I can so see it!

And I laughed out loud about the tattoo of the company logo! Oh my gosh, that is hysterical and so ACCURATE!

I mean, you have to laugh because the alternative is so much despair over these sadly addicted people.

The Breakdown Killinger outlines is amazingly accurate. I was able to go through each stage and note actual experiences with each one. I remember being really emotionally upset once and my H just looking at me with this perplexed look on his face. It just made me cry more! Zero compassion/empathy. Killinger helped me so much to understand how and why that happened. And I have to say, watching that compassion and empathy grow back has been like witnessing a miracle. Can't believe it's happening some days.

Oh, and one more thing - and I hope this doesn't trigger any of you. When I would push for details about the A and the times they were intimate, like, what did you talk about after you had sex? Did you share feelings or talk about some sort of future with each other? My H thought for a second and said, no, we mostly just talked about . . . work.
(That must have been so romantic for them )


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I don't buy it. If your a true workaholic then you have no time for an A. Affairs take time, energy and planning. Things a workaholic simply does not have time for.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Sorry to disagree with you, stronger08. It's a whole other ball of wax. Sleeping with your co-worker happens simultaneously with giving time, energy and planning to the job. That's why so many workaholics who get into affairs become such lousy employees.

If I hadn't lived it and studied up on it, I wouldn't buy it either. It's unbelievable.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Kyrie - Guess what WH said to COW immediately after their lunch time quickie while they were still in bed? "Our team would dissapprove of this." He said he pictured his team all in the room looking at them shaking their heads. Umm, what about your wife and kids!?! No, his first thought was what the coworkers would think!

Stronger - It is so baffling and maddening. For years, it was work, work, and more work. So when you hear about an A, I was furious. I remember saying something like, "And you tell me that you are SO BUSY all the time that you can't be with your children, but you have time to f*** at lunch?" It is some sort of strange acceptable extension for them, because he felt entitled, as my WH said he "felt like he deserved to have some fun because he worked hard and life is short."

ETA: This was to an earlier post. Yep, the coworkers are aware something inappropriate is happening. Both COW and WH swore NO ONE knew anything. When WH went to talk to his leadship about moving teams, the manager didn't even need to ask who, he knew without WH saying. And this is a guy with a large team, so if he knew something was wrong, I guarantee you that many more know, especially the women on the teams. WH was shocked and was humiliated that it was THAT obvious.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 11:46 AM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

I feel like chiming in again... this post just resonates so much.

In our very last convo before I decided it was hopeless and S, he had started lashing out at me a bit and trying to blameshift. At one point he yelled at me that I was the reason certain projects at work hadn't been completed.

Now, keep in mind that I had been out of the house for several months working in another state at the time. And the idea behind that was to give him the space and time he always whined that he needed to get his work done.

And right before he had said that, he tried to hurt me by saying that my insistence that we check in on Skype or the phone earlier in the evening so I could get some sleep for work "freed up" his evenings so that he could be with her.

So when he tried to blame me for his performance at work, it was completely ludicrous. Even though I was completely wounded, I laid into him and reminded him that he just let me know that he was clearly filling up his evenings with something other than the work he was supposed to be doing. So for him to try to blame me for his problems was delusional.

That shut him up.

I never really felt the kind of raging anger that I think most people hit after DDay and S/D. I'm just not the kind of person who accesses anger that easily. I try to forgive and understand and that sort of thing. But I will admit that the only karma I wanted to see hit him in any of this was for him to fail at the job. And the only "revenge" that I worked at was getting a better job than his so that he would hear about it (we're in the same field). I was aware from the beginning that he had no empathy for me and my pain wouldn't register with him. The only way for me to "get" to him was to be more successful than he is. Then he would feel regret.

So instead of angry, in the beginning I tended to think to myself that I'm "coming for him" in the sense that I'm willing to work hard and claw my way up the ladder. I did end up getting a better job than him (esp. after his demotion) in another place that is allied to where he works... so secretly I'm hoping he has heard about it or does hear about it soon.

As time goes on, I'm less concerned about his reactions to my success (if I'm able to maintain it!). It is becoming more about doing it for me, which is good. And I'm still ready to let it go if I meet someone else and decide to go the family/marriage route again. But I really do think you've hit on something very, very valid here.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

ILINIA - are you married to Mr. Kyrie? Seriously - it's like reading my own stuff. My H said the same thing verbatim: felt like he deserved to have some fun because he worked hard and life is short.
It's been so hard to consider that he ever felt like he deserved adultery. Who thinks like this? His level of entitlement was out of control.

By the way: don't go see Wolf of Wall Street. Just don't.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

PhantomLimb, the personality change is mind blowing and the ability to twist reality to their benefit is insane. Thanks for chiming in. It really does validate each of our experiences. I wish you great success in your job - and I know you'll do your best to keep it all in BALANCE. You were given a very accurate object lesson of what not to do.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

DixieD - How far out are you from DDay?

Closing in on 3 years.

Another reason all this rings true for me is that I lived it from both sides of the fence. I was also a workaholic myself and it was a quality that attracted us both to each other. I just stopped it first, and not by choice. I know the pull, the drive and using it as an escape and a coping mechanism. I was completely out of touch with my feelings. I still struggle with them. It was hard to watch the train wreck that was my husband as it happened because I'd already been there and knew I couldn't stop him from self-destructing as much as I (co-dependently) wanted to try. And then having to detach for my own sanity. It's all fascinating stuff.


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Another reason all this rings true for me is that I lived it from both sides of the fence. I was also a workaholic myself and it was a quality that attracted us both to each other. I just stopped it first, and not by choice. I know the pull, the drive and using it as an escape and a coping mechanism.

Me again!

This is true for me as well. Ever since I was a kid, being good at school and then being a workaholic became my coping mechanism. That's why I'm not surprised that I ended up kicking ass on the job market after our D. I threw myself back into work the way I always did.

But I also learned to take a step back when it started affecting my health. Had to take a leave of absence when I got too sick to keep up. That's what set my mind straight and I began to try to find a better balance.

That is also when I recommitted to my M and decided I could do the kids/family route and not just the "high powered career person" route that I was on with my X. It wasn't that I was cheating on him or not committed before, but I was acutely aware that work came first. I began to put him first. Actually, that was what made DDay extra difficult for me.


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

^^^ Me Too!!!!!

That is what made me mad after dday (one of so many things)....that I'd recognized the things I'd done and I was putting a bunch of effort into his life and trying to reconnect and work on our marriage THIS was the thanks I got. What a kick in the head!


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

PhantomLimb (and DixieD) - Totally get it. In WS eyes I couldn't keep the house clean enough, I was too slow making vacation reservations, I needed to get our kitchen remodeling going, I couldn't keep the kids under control, I was no fun, and we were just roommates. I would push back and ask what he has done for us lately? I have a full-time job too, jackass! I feel like sacrificed my job and my dreams, so he can have the career he wanted and then he goes and has an A!?! It is so insulting. It seems like some wake up and some don't. I am happy that you prioritized YOU! You do deserve more! Now that I have seen the light, I will not settle for the previously life.

Kyrie - Post A, I wrote in my journal and shared this with WS: "I married a man that thought he deserved a mistress. I married a man that thought having a mistress would make him happy." He couldn't argue because it was true. It is so hard to fathom. Side note: I will not see that movie, seems like a whole lot of entitlement going on!

Also, I realize I am totally a "threadaholic" today, don't worry I have it under control. This has been so helpful, I feel lighter and that I have some sort of home on SI, thanks all!

[This message edited by ILINIA at 3:09 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2013
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

That is what made me mad after dday (one of so many things)....that I'd recognized the things I'd done and I was putting a bunch of effort into his life and trying to reconnect and work on our marriage THIS was the thanks I got. What a kick in the head!

I know! I remember early on realizing that, in a sense, I felt like I was "too late" after DDay. I feel like I only really, really started to appreciate him about three years into the M. Around the 7th year (when I got sick) was when I realized that he was more than just this great friend and colleague that I happened to love... he was truly someone I wanted to build an actual life with. It was sort of like I finally realized what M means.

So when he had the A and it was clear we were done, it was so, so hard for me because I felt like I had wasted my chance at happiness in a sense by taking him for granted for so long. I wanted R so badly because I wanted that chance to rebuild on a new foundation. He just wasn't in the same space.

As I S from him and then proceeded to D, I kept hoping he would "hit bottom" or realize the job wasn't what was important, miss me, something. But he doubled down on the career and the OW.

So one of the big hurdles for me has been trying to let go of this regret I have. I remember after I left, the thing I would cry about the most was not getting a chance to hold him one last time and really tell him that I loved him. And worrying that my "go-getter" attitude had contributed to him feeling unloved or unsupported or under appreciated. He certainly told me many times that he was unhappy with certain aspects of our M (most having to do with time and money) and I would kind of ignore him, tell him it would be alright, and push ahead with my agenda. On DDay, the fact that he "acquiesced" to me most of the time was one of his big justifications for what he did. I understand that I can't take that on and I'm not to blame for his A, but I'm also not blind to the fact that I could have been a better partner.

Anyway... thanks for letting me vent all of this stuff, everyone.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 3:15 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
Noturfan
New Member
Member # 41661
Helpless  Posted: 4:13 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

My A was a big part of work. AP was the son of a board member and good friends with our direct line manager. He knew I wanted to build my career. We had to work close on a project and that led to becoming friends and sharing more than we should have.

After our DDays he made work very hard for me. Undermining me to our line manager and preventing me from doing my job. His BS began telling lies about my ability to do my job.

I'm a very driven person and extremely passionate about my profession. I know my job was a calling, not a 9-5. OBS made sure I was fired. My heart still breaks that my actions lost me my dream job.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

PhantomLimb, I can relate to what you said. I've always known I was no picnic.

It always seemed like my husband and I were never on the same page and if we were it wasn't for very long. There was a push-pull, co-dependent/counter-dependent thing going on all the time.

I'm sorry your husband didn't see the light and get onboard with you.


Growing forward

Posts: 1753 | Registered: Sep 2011
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

My husband use to take every Thursday night off but I could tell he didn't really want to be at home. He seemed unable to relax, anxious, his head was at work so I would get frustrated and just tell him if he wants to go, than he should go because I don't want to have to force my husband to spend time with me.Turns out this was a night he often spent out with the OW. This still makes me so angry. He spent his one night off with her. Not me...her!

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

PhantomLimb, your story brought me to tears. I am so sorry your story ended the way it did. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I wish I could hug you (((PhantomLimb))) because I certainly feel your pain. Bless you.

I think all of us identify with that feeling that something important is just beyond our grasp. I don't know if that's how other BSs feel (when workaholism is not involved.) Our loved ones were right there and yet, they weren't. WSs talk a lot about regret, but for the BSs of workaholic As, there's a level of regret, too, I think. For me, I regret the way I responded to my H's work addiction. I regret that my H was struggling so profoundly and I didn't do anything about it.

(((Scubachick))) addicted people do some of the worst things to the people they claim to care about. I feel sorry for your H. He's missing out on so much that is good, rich, and that matters. You have every reason to feel angry. I feel angry for you.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
PhantomLimb
Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

The good news is we are all learning from these experiences. Whether in R or new relationships, hopefully we'll be more present and not make the same mistakes.

((hugs))


BS / D

Posts: 861 | Registered: Jun 2013
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 27th (Monday)

My ex always had poor boundaries with women but I do think his job greatly contributed to his A.

Before our second child was born he kept getting promoted. He spent every evening on his iPad doing work and just didn't make the time for his family.

The more he got promoted the more his bosses, and probably OW, kissed his ass. It was a massive ego boost for him.

Then when he had to come home to a heavily pregnant partner who was struggling with a two year old DS it was a reality that he didn't want to face.

His whole life at that time was one big fantasy with his bosses and OW giving him all of the ego kibbles that his broken self so terribly needed.

I have no idea whether he is still in contact with OW as she left her job to move to another city to live with her GF. Though she did shit her pants when I told her BGF about their A and went NC with him.

However, he is still doing the same job and is no doubt still getting his arse kissed there.

I suppose that is all he has now along with 48 hours a week wih his children.

[This message edited by dindy at 8:11 AM, January 27th (Monday)]


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

WS and I have been married almost 25 years. He has had, not including the military, 12 jobs in the 18 years he has been in the private sector. I always supported him with his career because he was our provider. All he did was work and if the job wasn't working out, he found a new one, except for the 2 times he was fired.

He has 2 Master's degrees, I don't even have a bachelor's degree as he "is more marketable".

I was a SAHM for years, I took care of everything at home so when he would come home from his horribly stressful job, he could just relax.

He retreated to his cave, where ever that would be at the time, the garage, the study, etc. to either answer email from work or whatever it was that he was doing. I suspected at one time he was carrying on with someone he worked with using their employee "intranet", can't prove it.

If he wasn't working or in his cave, he was golfing, I am talking 8+ hours at the golf course on Saturday's and Sunday's.

Toss some NPD and alcohol into the workaholism mix, doesn't he sound like a peach?

I wanted to reply to the post earlier but what moved me to was this:

We were talking on the phone, he was talking about work. That is all he ever talks about!

Ugh, he's an idiot, his job isn't going to take care of him when he gets old or sick.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5232 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

imagoodwitch, it is tragic when I person has no identity outside of what he/she does. The person becomes flat because there is nothing else going on in his/her world. This realization is subconscious and it creates a lot of anxiety - so the person responds by giving more time and attention to their work, because that's the only thing they have that gives them any sort of sense of who they are. It's very much like a hamster on a wheel. Often the A is one of many vices used to feel something. But because the person is so one-dimensional and self absorbed by this point, they can't feel much of anything substantive. So the A becomes just another source of anxiety.

No, the job won't take care of him, but that's usually not evident to the workaholic until after he/she experiences a health or personal crisis. Even then, some never get off the wheel. Sad.


Me: BW, 47
WH, 48
Married 24 years, 2 teenagers
2 year/8 month PA with coworker
DDay#1 01.20.12 - found out when diagnosed with STD
Dday#2 04.04.14 - found out the PA lasted over twice as long as he originally disclosed.
Separated for 6 wks. T

Posts: 191 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Nest2007
Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

inappropriate comment

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
phoenixrise
Member
Member # 41745
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Shortly stated I think it had alot to do with being away at work so much and if there is trouble in the relationship to begin with it creates a disconnect and the perfect storm for infidelity...I chose not to act on making an island of myself but he sadly did...mix in major selfishness and bad childhood role models or lack of and there you go...I like how someone said on a post that the only ones that abandon sinking ships are rats the humans will stay and save it...to me it was no excuse my WH should have made an effort to reconnect and spend more effort on our relationship after all he did that for someone else...ok so that wasn't short at all


"The grass is greener on the other side because of all the shit that is used to fertilize it"
Him: WH after 8 yrs M...wow to think he held my hand during labor twice
Me: thought I was a cool loving wife
D Day: 7 mos ago RIP soul

Posts: 212 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Dante's Inferno
Topic Posts: 61