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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: confused about separation/divorce
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Okay, so I had an initial consult with a lawyer today and got some really pressing questions answered, but am hoping for someone here to be able to quickly clarify one thing for me.

I understand that i have two options at this point: I can either start the process for a separate maintenance and custody agreement, or start divorce. Basically these are going to be almost the same thing. Is this right?

The main reasons for the separation over divorce are that WH will not accept divorce yet but might be willing to formalize a separation, and I could enjoy my benefits longer while trying to establish myself separately.

Am i understanding this correctly? A part of me seriously just wants to be divorced and done, but he may play nicer if i take it very slow. What am I missing?


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, January 24th (Friday)

I think I'm the one missing something. Your WH has no option to accept or not accept a divorce. It's your life, your choice, and you entirely have the power to make it happen.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9529 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Every state is different. Here in VA, there is not "legal separation". You create a PSA, or Property Settlement Agreement which sets the maintenance and custody agreement and all the other financial matters. It is a legal document enforceable by the courts. With minor children, you have a one year wait before you can file for D, and the PSA is then simply a part of your divorce decree. But, some people move out and wait a year, then just file for D and hammer it out then. Just all depends on your situation.

You can file anytime you wish. I've been S over three years now as it was simply just cheaper to live completely S lives but reap the financial benefits of being M. But, I'm tired of not being D, so I'm taking the financial hit and filing for D.

Sounds like you might need to get a little clarity from your L about what is normal in your state.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 24th (Friday)

Nature_Girl, you're right, I am just taking it slow because I am trying to keep it amicable as much as possible in order to reduce long term resentment.

Thank you cmego, I think I do need that bit clarified. I have no experience with this whatsoever and had other pressing questions when I talked to the attorney, so I think I kind of flaked out on understanding the next steps. Agh! He just got really fired up about some of the things I talked about and I think got off track which threw me off even worse. Sigh. I think I need to see a different lawyer.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

If you honestly believe that he's SA/NPD, then any hopes of him *playing nice* need to be set afire and blown away. PlayNice and NPD don't belong in the same sentence when you're talking about doing something that the NPD doesn't want to do.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7939 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Yes, I talked to several L's.

The first one said, "We can nail your ex's ass to the wall. I can fix it so he would have supervised visitation and he will lose everything."

The next one said, "What is the point? The past is the past. Let's just get you the best settlement possible."

Guess which one I went with? #2. She was focused on ME.

Interview a couple until you hit one that you feel is best in your situation.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4113 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
StrongAlone
Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

You know your husband and your situation best. The benefit to taking it slow is it gives you time to detangle as much emotion as possible from the divorce process. Divorce itself takes everything to a whole new level. Playing nice can work in some cases. I too decided to 'play nice' and it appears that I will be getting what I want financially but I won't believe it until the papers are signed. Mediation for us has kept the focus on our children. So if it's best for the kids to stay in the marital home then support needs to be at a certain level to make that happen. I'm not sure if you have kids but if you do, make that a priority.

I felt panicked too initially that I had to keep moving and making decisions. I knew my marriage was over but I wasn't really ready to commit to the divorce process yet. I say unless you are in trouble financially or physically then don't rush and think through all your options first.


Me (BS) 39 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 40
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I was trying for a separation agreement to give me some time to figure out what I need and want. Initially, WH agreed and, until it came to fruition, I thought It was a good plan. Now 8 months later, we still aren't legally separated and he said he needs a lawyer.

I hope his lawyer told him he was getting a hell of a good deal (50/50 split) so I don't have to drag out all of the gory evidence in court. Like you, I tried to play nice.

I now think I wasted a lot of time.


Posts: 1931 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
crumbs
New Member
Member # 28953
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

If he really is NPD, I agree you cannot "nice" him into anything. It's all a game and he'll need to win, while putting you through hell. I gave my TBX a year before I filed to "get his business in order." Now, another 2+ years later, we are no closer. All that delay did was give him time to hide funds, stop bringing in income so he could prove he has no means to pay support (and he hasn't), or court ordered legal fees (which he hasn't). He *may* end up in jail, but all that will do is give him another reason that he can't pay anything.

Read everything you can about divorcing NPD spouses and prepare yourself. The problem for most of us who have gone through this is that we've been conditioned to be co-dependent and not want to rock the boat. Unfortunately, they know that and count on it. If you can't make the tough decisions (and I suggest IC to work through the years of programming), then find an attorney who can take the heat for you and push EVERYTHING through them. I'm on my second attorney but she's a rock and has pushed me to look out for ME & DS, and not let him manipulate me.

To me, you are just setting yourself up for more "limbo." With others that might be fine, but with a NSD, it just keeps you bound to them...exactly where they want you.

Best wishes! I just keep thinking if I'd filed when I first moved out, MAYBE I would actually be done now.


Me - 54
Him - 55, NPD
Married 17 yrs - together 23
15 year old
Discovered porn addition 11/09
Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10
Filed 11/11
Praying for an end to this

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jul 2010
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

In some cases legal separation could be desirable as you can keep your STBX on your health insurance plan (or you can stay on his/hers). Possibly you can continue to file taxes jointly, if that is financially advantageous for you.

Legal separation is not an option in my state and I don't know of any other advantages to it.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 258 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Your WH has no option to accept or not accept a divorce. It's your life, your choice, and you entirely have the power to make it happen.

Well.... in my state if the other party refuses to agree to the divorce and you can't prove fault, you have to wait 2 years. Whereas if both parties agree to the divorce, the waiting period is just 90 days. So I can see "playing nice" in some cases in order to get it over with more quickly.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 258 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
Quakingaspen
Member
Member # 41153
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Thank you all for your input. I really need to go and speak to at least one more lawyer. And back to IC. Sigh.

I think the main issue here is that for the first time ever, I have all the power and I don't know what to do with it. I have him by the balls (he made a VERY stupid mistake), so he is making nice and I want to make the most of it. I have been a SAHM and staying on his insurance until I can get some (and a job!) seems like a good idea, but if I wait, I am afraid I will be wishing I had just gotten out when I had the chance.


I've seen enough.

WS-SA/NPD
D-Day: Too many in 17 years of marriage. LAST time 10/17/2013.


Posts: 122 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: A little bit closer to Reality
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Read everything you can about divorcing NPD spouses and prepare yourself. The problem for most of us who have gone through this is that we've been conditioned to be co-dependent and not want to rock the boat. Unfortunately, they know that and count on it. If you can't make the tough decisions (and I suggest IC to work through the years of programming), then find an attorney who can take the heat for you and push EVERYTHING through them.

Ditto. Ditto, ditto, ditto, and ditto some more.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9529 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 13