SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Doubts
Sadjacey
Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, January 24th (Friday)

14 months from dday, still working on staying in the marriage. Some days it seems I can do is, sometimes I'm not so sure. He says he's completely committed to it, that I'm the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Why can't I accept this and move on? I still can't keep thoughts of what he did out of my head - they're not there as often all the time, but some days they're so present, so difficult.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 124 | Registered: Dec 2013
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Im sorry you are going through this. I tried to R. I held in there for 7 months. I just couldnt do it. The images, the obsessions, and the triggers were torture. I threw in the towel and moved out.

Although, i lost everything. I am at peace.

Good thing too because I then found out her affairs had still continued.

In the end after 7 months of HORRIBLE LIMBO i learned:
1. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
2. Never ever limbo. At least 180D their ass.
3. Trust your gut.

To me R only exists due to fear. Deep down, all of us BS' know what we need to do. Leave their cheating asses.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by PRNDL at 12:44 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

PRNDL is obviously posting from a place of deep pain. Whereas his post seems to apply to his WW, I categorically disagree with his statements in regards to the general public.

We have many remorseful and reformed Former Wayward Spouses in this community who have worked their asses off to learn from what they have done and try to be the best spouse/parent/person they can moving forward. Does this happen in EVERY case? Sadly, no. Some BS's do get kicked in the teeth over and over and need to run for the hills. But certainly not all - and that's certainly not the tone we try to foster in the Reconciliation forum.

Back to your post about your feelings, Sadjacey. 14 months is a long time in a lot of respects, but in terms of the healing timeline that we all seem to share in bits and pieces, it's still right smack in the middle of all the confusion. It's not comfortable to be unsure about your relationship, but it's normal for now. The thoughts and mind movies dwindle in time, and with a remorseful spouse they retreat into the sunset even faster.

Don't pressure yourself to have acceptance or closure anytime soon. Feel what you need to feel, and hopefully you can talk it out with your WH. The best advice people have given me is to remember that I don't have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow. You're not weak for staying, and you're not weak for feeling like leaving. Just be sure that you are trying to follow the healthiest path for your heart and mind, and you will be ok.

(((Sadjacey)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:00 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]


It is better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. -Russian Proverb

Posts: 17058 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 8:39 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

PRNDL...

Please refrain from making such huge generalizations.

Also, while your marriage may not have worked out you need to respect this forum for those that are reconciling.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197314 | Registered: May 2002
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

What Jrazz said.

Sad, Are you talking to anyone about your feelings and thoughts, or journaling, etc.? It often helps to get the thoughts down or out one by one so you can examine them and figure out how to stop them. Otherwise they may just stay in your head going round and round, and one you deal wit one thought, other nasty thoughts keep popping up and distracting you.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
catatonic
Member
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

This is the topic I have been scanning SI for answers the last few days . I am 6 mos. out. And naively thought I would be past this ambivalence. Though my WS, I true key believe is remorseful and working hard. I am discontent with my feelings.
Some days I'm all in , understand it happened an focus on us now and future. Then bang, for no reason, I'm thinking if his actions in the past and I want nothing to do with R. The anger hurts.
I really appreciate JRAZZ and Deeplyscared post.
It is encouraging knowing your feelings are real.

As a side note,every time I go on this site to look for answers, because I'm feeling unsure about my relationship. And I start to post. My WH calls. Saying he has been thinking about me, wondering how I'm doing. Something mental going on.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Have you considered the possibility that you may be suffering from PTSD as a result of the infidelity? Its not uncommon after the trauma of infidelity especially for those of us in longterm marriages where we were blindsided.

Anyway PTSD will give you the feeling that you are stuck and keep having recurring episodes and invasive thoughts. If this might be your problem there may be additional strategies you can leverage to help you combat this and move forward.

Theres lots of info if you google it. My fWH has found a site named healmyptsd which has useful info. And some therapists specialize in infidelity related PTSD.

[This message edited by whattheh at 12:20 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
PRNDL
Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Sorry for having my own opinion. It was just that after my D-day everyone gave me advice to R and fix things because it was just a mistake. Even the 3 different therapists I was seeing.

It caused me nothing but pain. I made no progress regarding my pain, triggers, and obsession. That is, until I left.

Once on my own, im healing.

I just want to give people strength, not stay in a place where they continue to question or hurt.

Go to the R section of this forum. Its full of people who still hurt and worry "if they are still cheating".

I with i had at least one person after D-day to give me strength and tell me to leave and move on.

My 3rd D-day was worse that the first.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

PRNDL...

You ARE in the Reconciliation forum.

You're not reconciling so please don't post in there unless you can be supportive towards reconciling.

Thank you.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:27 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197314 | Registered: May 2002
Topic Posts: 9