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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: advice/rant
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

I'm in need of some advice or coping strategies. I am angry right now and never want to talk to the POS XWH. I am going to look at this as a second chance at a better future. NC with him is essential to me.

Here is my problem…. He has to use Skype for him to spend "time" with the kids. I've asked him to do this twice a week at specific times and he does follow through. I can't stand that I have to hear his voice. I usually go to another room and wait the call out. Will this get easier as time goes on? will the sound of his stupid voice just not bother me? What do I do so I don't feel like I'm just hiding and stewing in anger? The house is small so it's hard to take myself completely out of the situation. I can't stand him talking to the kids like he cares…when he hasn't done a single thing to show he cares. He hasn't sent any money or shown any concern for the kids actual well being. He has abandon them and thinks he can be a good dad over a computer!!!????

I feel stupid that I ever thought I could work out anything with this guy! FTG


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
osxgirl
Member
Member # 8795
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

You are relatively early in this whole process, so it should get at least somewhat better.

Of course, part of it will depend on how the D process goes, how good you are at just letting things go, etc.

Things to keep in mind - it may take a while, but kids do see through this kind of stuff, and generally do see who is really there for them. He is still their dad, so they are going to try as hard as they can to let him be part of their lives any way they can, but they do know the difference.

Also, remember that doing this isn't about whether or not he really is a good dad, or if he gives monetary support, or any of that. It's about letting your kids have an opportunity to have the best relationship possible with their other parent. If he falls down on that, it's on him.

All that being said, I do have a suggestion...

What is something you enjoy doing... something you have trouble finding time for because you are too busy being both parents to your kids? Do you really like to read? Any crafts - sewing, cross stitch, crochet, scrapbooking, or anything like that? Or something like that you want to try and learn but never seem to have the time to do?

Or maybe you never have time to really pamper yourself - a long bubble bath, do your nails, spa-type stuff?

Whatever it is, figure out something like that - something you can do for just you. Something you can really throw yourself into. And use the Skype time as your chance to do just that. Your kids are old enough that you should be able to make a deal with them - twice a week, you are going to set aside an hour for yourself to do X. It will be during the same time they Skype with their dad. If the Skype doesn't take up that whole amount of time, they are expected to do homework, read, play video games, or whatever else they should be/want to be doing. They shouldn't interrupt you (outside of an emergency) for that period of time.

Then do it. Get really involved in whatever it is you want to do. Preferably with headphones on playing some great music. Get so involved that you forget about everything around you for that period of time.

Focusing on doing something for yourself is a great way to get other things off your mind. You won't be hiding - you'll be busy doing something you enjoy and getting some (probably VERY needed) "you time".


Posts: 2405 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Maryland
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Seconding the suggestion of headphones/earbuds.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

osxgirl- I think you are so right. The kids are already figuring it out and it hurts to see that. They have to deal with all the emotions they shouldn't have to. I don't want to ruin their relationship with their dad. He is doing that.

I love the suggestion of me time, regardless of how long their Skype call takes. I'm going to plan what I am going to do for the next call. I'm going to look forward to what ever I do. It's a great suggestion. I can't wait to be in a really good place and detached from his stupidity.


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

May I suggest headphones plus kickboxing? Could get a nice workout imagining him, later he won''t matter anymore


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

Also, you said you have asked him to do specific times...that's perfect, so you know those are the times, so you don't have to answer or worry about him bugging you on other nights.

Remember, sooner or later the kids are going to start asking him to see them in person, or be busy and not want to sit in front of the computer, etc. It also helps that you have set the times for your custody papers to show you are trying to work with him.

You are doing everything right Yes. Just hold on.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5521 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

careerlady and nekorb- headphones YES! I do think kick boxing or something physical might be a good thing. I need to get this anger out.

Devistatedmom- The kids will figure it out, you are right. I've started the process to get them in counselling, which I know will help them. I am doing everything I can to make sure they are okay.

He is willing to give me sole custody (thank God). I'm sure it will sort out and I've got everything I want, to be a parent.


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I wish I could tell you that his stupid voice won't grate your nerves after awhile, but four years out and the FAKE stupid forced cheerfulness and idiotic drivel that he spews in his 3 minute calls to the boys STILL makes me slightly ill and I know my eyes roll involuntarily. It has been four years.

My kids don't skype with him, but they like to use the speaker phone to talk on the phone. Fortunately, they never have much to talk about and Stretch doesn't know what a conversation is. So it is the same SAME conversation every time. I think it is the same conversation you'd have with a delivery guy who brings you packages every day plus the required I love you at the end.

Good luck with figuring this out!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

caregiver9000

I think it is the same conversation you'd have with a delivery guy who brings you packages every day plus the required I love you at the end.

^^this is exactly it!^^

the kids have actually a few times not returned the I love you….I'm not sure he even noticed. it's just irritating…


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Um, well, I love you dad! means I am busy, and done with this conversation, let me hang up now. One time, it was the first thing DS9 said after "Hello"

It really is sad, but it is what it is.

One of the take aways for me, though? I don't agonize over calls to me when they are away. (I used to!) I don't want the "have to talk" delivery guy standard. So often times, I don't get a call at all. (It is only a weekend, so I can deal with that.) But if they do call, they call because they want to tell me something. They are excited and they thought to call me, tell me, and share. Or they are sad, scared, sick, and they know I care and will try to make them feel better. Or they aren't sure of whether they should watch a certain movie, or eat something and they trust my judgment and my rules. It's like they have a regular play date with dad, but they recognize who is a parent.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

thanks caregiver9000 it's nice to know I'm not alone. I have a feeling I'm going to get really good at eye rolls


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Earplugs for sure. I can't stand hearing his voice. I'm 50/50 and unfortunately during my calls to the girls he makes sure to stand close to the phone and talk loudly so I have to hear his voice and idiotic fake laugh.

I'm sure he hates my calls too but I make damn sure not to be around during his calls. He doesn't get the pleasure of listening to my voice anymore.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5608 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Oh my gosh, this is my life as well. But...my DDs don't want to talk to him anymore, he is not involved in their lives does not ask them about their day. It is:
POS: How are you?
DD: Fine, how are you?
POS Good how was you day?
DD Fine, how was yours?
POS: I miss you.
DD Miss you too.
POS is your sister there? can I talk to her
DD2 Hello?
REPEAT FROM ABOVE.
They got so bored with it that they stopped answering his calls which resulted in him threatening to take me to court because I was alienating him...Hey ASSHOLE you are doing it yourself.
Trust me your kids will get it soon enough.
Take everyone's advice, headphones whatever you need to get away from his voice. It gets better really it does and I am only a few weeks beyond you. Call a friend when the Skype let him hear you laughing it up with a friend in the background. FTG don't let him take over your personal space. You can do it!


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Virginiagirl
Member
Member # 41656
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

The phone calls between them are so awkward, aren't they?!

I had a secret inner snarky moment today because my WH is out of town and my 10 yr old son is telling me how he kinda likes it better when dad's gone ... get this- says it's like "old times" which means like when we were married and he was never around! Oh the irony. Now that we are separated he doesn't spend that much time (but more than before) but he drives the kids crazy with his forced gaiety, trying so hard to be super-dad and cram all his parenting into during thier 20 minutes together in the afternoon. They just wish he would leave them alone. My 14 yr old tells me outright she likes it better when he isn't around.

I love it. Kids really do see who has been there for them.


Me- BS-43
Him-WS-42
Married 15 years, living together 20
DDay May 2013
TT ongoing
2 kids, 10 & 15
OW- old girlfriend from High School, and now umpteen stupid groupie local ho-bags

We are done.


Posts: 179 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: utah
Topic Posts: 14