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Reconciliation
User Topic: then, then, then, and now (painfully long)
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

then (8 years ago)- Mr Unfound was asked to accept a job in his field of study. He was working a few jobs already, but we could use the money. I thought nothing of it, other than he was the kind of guy that would do what it took to provide for his family.

Over time this job started to consistently require (?) him to be there earlier and earlier, and at the same time, run later and later in the evenings. Some days, he would leave at 5am and not be home until 11pm. The phone calls during his breaks became shorter and shorter until they eventually stopped. The job became a separate entity that didn't overlap with "us", family or his time away from the job. I knew less and less about what happened at his job (under the excuse of "it's the same thing, nothing new happens"). I tried to chalk it up to his work ethic, his commitment to provide, the pressure of the job and keeping the stress at the job and not bringing it home....but something was off, wrong. Dday came and it was clear that this job was being used as tool in the A. He quit on Dday, per my demand. No questions asked, no fussing, no hem hawing around.

then II (a year or so after dday)- He was offered the exact same job. He didn't seek it out, they sought him. When he told me about it, I lost my mind. How dare he even entertain the thought of working there again?? Why didn't he immediately tell them "no" instead of "I'll have to think about it"? I was livid...even though he assured me that OW was probably no longer there (I knew she wasn't there). I'd had and would continue to have access to all his communication, I could even come to his work while he was working and observe, he would call me as soon as he got there and keep the connection open until he got home, take pictures with time stamps, give me detailed official lists of everyone he'd be in direct contact with/in charge of/peers (highly illegal and definite termination and career ruining) etc and every kind of accountability known to man.

Nope. Not only was I not able to handle it, I still didn't trust him. The trigger was too strong, too identical, too soon...

He declined the job, without resentment. We'd find another way.

Then III- About 3 or 4 years ago or so, again, he was approached to work at this place. Not the exact same job, but in the same field only in a higher capacity. This time, I didn't feel the anger, but did feel the old fears. Again, he came to me and we talked about it. The pros, the cons, the reassurances of accountability.

Something was different this time. Trust? Time? Growth? I'm not really sure, but I do know that it was different. After much discussion, he accepted the job.

After a year or so working this job, I began to get uncomfortable with it. Not suspicious of anything, but the time away, again, missing out on family activities...the physical aspect of not being here. We talked. As soon as the time commitment of the job ended, he arranged/requested to do the job from home, or at a different location, something that wasn't available the previous times he was offered this job, due to the higher position he was in now. He stated to the higher ups that if he couldn't do this from home or at a different location he'd have to resign.

It was a compromise that earlier would have made me feel that he was putting the importance of the job ahead of me/us, doing whatever he could to keep the job. But this time it was the opposite.. I felt as if he was putting me/us ahead of the job.

Like a bruise though, it hurt when poked. Not excruciatingly, but annoyingly. I took solace in knowing that it wasn't the beginning of a hurt, but a hurt in the stages of healing. Not a new hurt, but a reminder of an old one. Trust had been built, proven, tested and passed.

Now- He has continued to do this job, both at home and traditionally, depending on what was available. I'm okay with it.

Recently, he was asked to, in addition to his current position, accept the exact. same. job. as before. Again, he reassured me, offered accountability, and even negotiated doing some of the job from home, or at the least, in a different location. To be perfectly honest, it triggered me. Not in the same way as before..no rage, no crying, no old feelings rushing in overwhelmingly.. but quietly, softly, almost fuzzily, foggily. It was too exact, too familiar, too.. too... well you know. When he let me know, I said I needed some time to think about it (ie: stew, mull, analyze, over analyze, process) .

And I did:

It's just a job. A brick and mortar building. It didn't cause the A, it just happened to be where the A began. The people he worked around didn't know (at least they didn't voice that they did..I'm sure they knew something, someone always does) or encourage the A. Nothing at the job had changed, not the location, the general population or type of people there. The job requirements were the same. The responsibilities, paperwork, and goals were the same. The only thing that had changed was him.

But I thought: Had he changed those other times? Maybe, probably. Thing is, I hadn't. I hadn't gotten to where, even if he had changed back then, I could fully see it much less accept it. I hadn't healed enough. I wasn't ready, even if he was. He trusted that I hadn't then, and now trusts that I have. Even in that, he still respects the old connections and handles them as though they are fresh. He's not become any less humble in my continually growing trust.

So much the same, so different.

As from the first time, he's made it clear that if at anytime I become uncomfortable with the situation, he'll quit, no questions asked, in a heartbeat.

***I don't really know the point of this post. Maybe to purge it out, maybe for ME to see how things change and how I've reacted differently to the same situation as time (and hard work) has passed. Maybe for hope to others. Maybe to let out one big sigh as to how the universe keeps throwing the same ball at my face and how I've finally learned to catch it instead of dodging it or letting it bounce off my head.... I don't know, but there it is


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14830 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 25th (Saturday)

I think you posted it to inspire people like me. Thank you.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 890 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Love to hear progrss! Thanks for sharing.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1774 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

unfound,

I think of you as a person who generally posts pithy, relevant, usually humorous posts that help other people heal. Your posts usually blow me away with your perceptiveness, wisdom and humor.

I generally forget that you're here for the same reason I am. I apologize for forgetting you struggle, too.

Thanks for this outline of the healing process. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but I'm immensely glad you're sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experience.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

sisoon, no apologies needed , but thank you. It does me good sometimes to access how I got here and what I've been through and learned, so I can appreciate and understand where I am now.

But, c'mon, you have to admit that the visual of me wildly flailing to catch a ball and getting smacked in the face over and over and over again is kinda funny...seriously, I couldn't catch a balloon til I was 12



ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14830 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Thank you for sharing your journey. It's helpful to see it can happen.

[This message edited by AML04 at 3:44 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 832 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

T/J - When I was 12, that would have really confused me. On one hand, I would have taken that as clear evidence that boys were better than girls. OTO, I would have been asking myself, 'I wonder why I want to help her?'


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

What an interesting cycle, you and WH have been on! I''m glad to hear of the progression of your thoughts and feelings as the cycle came around, as well as the changing nature of your WH.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4588 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Topic Posts: 8