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User Topic: Massage parlor
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Helpless  Posted: 10:17 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I have been crying buckets for 2 days. I have never posted on the internet before but I am very confused and need anyone's feedback quickly please. i am posting my story because I couldn't find anything on the message boards that closely resembled my own story. here it. The bank called to verify a suspicious purchase on my husband's account. We have a joint account but he opened a personal account years ago - it bothered me at first but I have not thought about the personal account in years. I normally would not access his personal information but since he was out of town and I worried that his info had been stolen I gave all the necessary info to check the purchases. The first one was a very large charge at a luxury purse store. I knew this was for me because I have been eyeing the purse for months, but I knew it was supposed to be a surprise so I verified the purchase and thought that would be it. But then the automated system asked me to verify a charge at a Asian massage parlor last week. My husband said nothing about a massage and does not regularly get massages. I freaked out and called him. He said he went there during his lunch break for a legit massage but hid it from me because he thought if he told me he got a massage I would not trust him. he knows that is not true. I am not averse to normal massages and we belong to a gym which (although slightly more expensive) he could have gotten a massage at. he has had. Bottom line I don't believe him. The parlor is listed on places advertising happy endings - but it is not in a total unfamiliar seedy part of town but it is open late. I went there after talking to him and it is covered in heavy drapes with a dark private entry. You can tell from the outside what type of place it is. He keeps saying that he is sorry but he did nothing more than a massage. we were in counseling years ago for flirting on his part and lying about co-worker lunches. He once sent an e-mail I found that offered a girl he knew from college a massage. He also lied about having lunch with a co-worker but I happened to see his car outside the restaurant. He has always denied cheating endlessly. But he has told lots of lies and been in questionable circumstances before. Years ago I decided that I would have to choose to trust him and not look into his actions if our marriage would survive. A man who wants to cheat will find a way and he has unusual work hours, is a highly paid computer expert, and I know he could hide evidence from me easily. But I made that decision for my kids. If I had my way 3 years ago after the email I would have left. I just figured then that eventually a cheating man will get caught and I would focus on my family and myself until that day came - but I of course hoped it would never happen and in the past three years we had another child and I have fallen even more deeply in love with him. So this still came as a total shock. Is he lying? Did he get a happy ending? Does it even matter - because I feel he betrayed me either way. He says he did nothing wrong but in his apologies he keeps saying that he would never hurt me like he did before and he loves me more than he ever has - but he also said that he didn't used to really care about me but when our last child and I almost died in childbirth he felt differently - but this just makes me question him more - he said he loved me and denied wrong doing the last time - now he is saying he didn't love me then but he does now? - even though I was willing to leave him before I have always loved him. I honestly don't know ANYONE close to me who has gotten a divorce - both our families are very religious. I can't imagine telling my kids we were getting a divorce. Lastly he was sexually abused by a family friend when he was young but he never has talked about it except to tell me it happened once when we were dating and I snooped into his journal and read about it. Sorry this is so long. Do you think he is cheating? I asked him to got to counseling again and he said yes - but I know he doesn't want to and could just be saying that hoping I won't follow through.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

Also - I have always felt since the last counseling session that I never really found out the whole truth - we stopped the counseling pretty early on and before I felt we should but he talked me into not going back. But - without proof I just kept pushing the suspicions aside. Now this massage parlor thing has opened the flood gates.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

aigalost,
First, off welcome. There is a lot of wisdom and strength on this side. Unfortunately, there are many red flags in your story to me. I believe there is much more to your husband's story. I also believe he did go to that massage parlor knowing exactly about the happy ending. It sounds like he has been acting out in many ways.

If he is really "sorry" and you want to reconcile, you need to develop a plan. What is it that you need him to do for you to continue to be married. The first thing, I would do is demand full transparency. For example...full and immediate access to his personal account. Full and immediate access to all of his computer accounts, telephone(s), etc. You are to get all of his passwords. If he does not immediately give it he is hiding and will try to clean the accounts up/out. That will tell you a tremendous amount. I would also recommend deciding prior to requesting this to decide what your consequence if/when he fails to provide you access.

He is trying to use what has worked before in the past. As long as you let him get away with it, he will. I understand Divorce is not something that you want, sometimes you have to be willing to go that far to save your marriage.

Hugs to you.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Thank you. I think I did the bury my head in the sand routine for years - but I am a busy mom with a teaching job and I just found it easier to swallow my fears. It surprised even me that I could swallow it until it stopped hurting and then move on like nothing - I am even tempted to go that route now - it's just so much easier to ignore it. But I know if we don't address it this time to my satisfaction it will keep bubbling up. Part of why I have gotten so good at ignoring things that worry me about his behavior is because from the second we got married if I made him mad he would scream, throw things, give the silent treatment for days - and I just finally gave up fighting with him. But the reason we stopped counseling the first time is because he finally started to communicate at all. Prior to that it was like being married to a brick wall for 8 years. I was so happy that I could have a coherent conversation with him about anything upsetting that I just wanted to keep the peace and make sure he stayed happy. It's been like that for 4 years and we have been very happy but we never discuss any fears I have about his truthfulness. He is an excellent father and good provider and the hardest working person I know. His lies and my lack of trust is our only issue - laughable I know - that's like saying - I have such an amazing car - but it doesn't run.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

My husband has some of the same traits as your husband. I've been married to him for 27 years. He lies about stupid things sometimes and in the past I've ignored it at times when they are non issues to me. My husband also has a bad temper when I confront him about things and it causes me to NOT confront him at times. Yes, it easier to ignore. That is what they're banking on. That's why they explode! They know we will back down. Also, anger is a cover up for guilt.

Now that I found out he had an A, I can and will not ignore anything anymore. I was very busy at the time of his affair. Now, our youngest child is a freshman in high school. Soon, it will be just the two of us. Retired, old people. I need, want and deserve to be with a man who communicates with me, supports me, doesn't lie or cheat and doesn't blow up at me when I have fears or doubts. I'm not sure if my husband is that man at this point but I no longer want to ignore things anymore. I want to face them and find the truth and it HURTS. It hurts a lot. So, whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Did you get your husband to admit to the affair? If so how? I can't seem to break him and cause him to confess no matter what I say - but I also have no proof. I made a key mistake in telling him that I knew about the massage parlor before he got back from his trip - so by now he has deleted any evidence on his phone- not that there would be - he has been deleting texts and emails for years. I did demand his passwords and there is nothing on his bank statement showing he goes to this massage place often but he has access to cash without my knowing . He also gave me a false password to one of his email accounts the first time I asked - he left out the second part - he said he forgot - whatever - then he gave me the real one about 10 min later but by then he could have deleted everything. If it were just me I would just give up and separate but I feel like I can't get a divorce based on a hunch and destroy my kids family with no proof


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
JerseyCowgirl
Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

((Aigalost))
This is just horrible and gut wrenching for you. Let the tears out but be sure to take care of your basic needs...eat small amounts & lots of rest.

I found out about my exH's activities in the exact same way as you and unfortunately like others have stated there is more to the story.

So please consult with an attorney to know your options and watch his activities closely now. Read the 180 and other articles in the healing library. Reach out here with all your concerns...everyone is here to help you through this. Don't make any decisions just yet...take all the time you need. My thoughts are with you.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 331 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I haven't eaten or slept in 2 days - I slept for about 4 total hours on and off over two days and I've only had water - and I know it's making me mentally worse but he is still not home for me to talk this through with.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Welcome Aigalost. I am so sorry about your situation. My situation is exactly as yours. Asian massage parlors. I found out 4 years ago. Been married 21 years. My husband had secret credit cards to pay for everything, or paid in cash.

I am still married. It has been a horrible roller coaster ride over the last four years. You need to prepare yourself that this may be the tip of the iceberg. I hope it is not.

I know you want to believe him, but it sounds like he is not being truthful with you. I am so sorry. You saw the place. You know what goes on there. Legit massage places don't look like that.

There was another thread started last week about this. Go to page two on this forum and look for "Asian massage parlors" and start there. There are lots of us here. You are not alone.

Please try to hydrate yourself. Try to eat anything you can keep down. The first 6 weeks I went from a size 10 to a ZERO -- survived by eating nuts & eggs. Your kids need you.

Please PM me anytime.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 225 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

My husband never freely admitted the A to me. I found out by accident when I was on his Facebook page and saw a few old private maessages that he never erased. The were from 2010. I had NO IDEA that my husband was doing this. Reading him saying words like, "babe" and "sweetie" to another woman totally floored me. I had to print those messages out and throw them in his face as proof. He never, ever would have admitted it without that proof. He also lied about details saying they never had sex when he went to Florida on that weekend trip. After much interrogating and me having to contact her, he finally admitted to having sex. Then he lied about the length of time they carried on the EA after the weekend PA. So, getting the truth may never happen. Or it is TT and I hate it. Last night, I kicked him out of our bedroom yet again because I still felt like he was holding back information. This morning, he literally got on his knees and expressed his love and remorse. It is such a hard road to travel. I know he loves me. I know I love him. I know he has lied and cheated. I don't trust him.

You need proof. Period. If your husband is anything like mine, he will never admit to anything unless you have solid proof. He will look you in the eye when he gets home and lie to your face because he is so afraid of "getting caught." It sounds like he knows how to cover his tracks, too. When I first found out, I told my husband that we were switching cell phones for an undetermined amount of time and I switched them IMMEDIATLY. I didn't give him any chance to warn friends that this was happening or to get phone numbers that he thought he would need. He was not a happy camper but he agreed. I kept his phone for 3 days. I gave him the numbers that I knew he needed for business and that was it. Luckily, I received no shady texts while I had his phone and I was really thankful for that. I've gone onto Sprint and blocked certain numbers from voice and text from his phone. I go onto Sprint every few days and check his call log. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to check his texts. But, I was able to control which phone numbers he is allowed to send and receive texts to. I hate that I felt the need to do this but it's what I have to do right now because he killed my trust in him. You need to get the proof somehow. You can follow him or hire someone to get the info. Sounds drastic and it sucks. I am soooo sorry for you. Please let me know what happens and how you are doing.

You have to eat. Really. Go eat something now. Also, I had to go to the doctor because after a few weeks into this crap, I started getting panic attacks. Don't hesitate to go to the doctor if you feel like you need to be on meds temporarily. Don't hurt yourself or him! I hit my husband a few times and now I know that it was a huge mistake. He could have called the cops and I would have been in really big trouble. So, don't let your anger take you there. Please, keep posting. We are here for you!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Everyone here is so wonderful. You are all going through your own nightmares and are still willing to be there for other people. Truly amazing. You have all been such a blessing in my life right now. Contemplated taking many sleeping pills last night to get a break from the thoughts in my head but didn't because I thought of you people and figured if you could do this so could I. Still exhausted and he won't be back till tomorrow. The only thing I can think of to get proof is to lie and say the massage parlor showed me how much he tipped. But they actually didn't. I'm hoping he will think I know and give the amount and based on that #-I will know. I tried to bribe the massage parlor lady with $100 to show me their sign in sheets for the day- stupid I know -she wouldn't but I did see this binder paper she pulled out with the time he came in and who massaged him. I was hoping to see that he used a fake name but never got the evidence. But seeing how she wanted the $ - and the fact that they don't keep real records - just notes on a binder paper proved what kind of place it is. When I asked for names she said no- maybe because she doesn't have it - but she seemed like she did. Another lady came in when we were talking and that's when she clamed up. I'll keep everyone posted but searching for evidence is exhausting and massively painful. Still can't eat. I've lost 5 lbs in 2 and a half days - I'll try to eat and sleep - the stories of massive weight loss scare me. Thank you for the phone switch idea- that's a great idea.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

At one point I tried to use the "bluff" as proof of something and it didn't work. Take your time. Breath. Don't freak out with false proof because it will trigger his anger and you will get nowhere fast. You have all the time in the world. He is coming home tomorrow. You aren't going to solve this tomorrow. Confront him with what you have but don't make stuff up. I'm just afraid that you are too weak right now. You haven't been eating or sleeping! How are you going to handle an angry husband who has been eating and sleeping and has his wits about him and is on to you. He knows that you know something. This is just a warning to be smart and cautious. Almost impossible, I know, when feelings are so raw. I will be thinking of you.


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

My advice for now is to put a key logger on his computer if you can. I did. Went through a company called Webwatcher. They also have programs for phones. (Mods -- if I am overstepping by giving out "investigative tips here I apologize).

If you get incriminating info -- DO NOT reveal your sources. Ever. I cannot stress this enough. Make copies of everything and put in a safe place. Even if you reconcile -- never tell.

You could also ask him permission to run a credit check on him (you cannot legally do it without his permission). Then you will see if he has credit cards you don't know about, or outstanding loans (mine had his secret credit card bills sent to his work address AND took out a secret $20,000 loan to fund his habit). You will know right away if he is hiding financial info by his reaction to this.

Start following the money. ATM withdrawals especially. Mine used cash for most encounters. ATM withdrawals 200 at a time. I trusted him. I never looked at the monthly statement. Cross check the large withdrawals with your date book. Were you out of town, at a school function?

I hope you are eating. You MUST.


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 225 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
seriouslylostit
Member
Member # 23987
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, January 27th (Monday)

Don't know if this was mentioned but how much was the charge? Call yourself to find out how much a massage for you would be ... What's the price difference?

Get a guy to call from your H's phone to report the place to the cops ... Your WH will have a lot of explaining to do. Yes, I am a bitch.


Posts: 843 | Registered: May 2009
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 27th (Monday)

aigalost, how are you? I've been thinking about you today. While I was at work, I signed on to this site just to check to see if you had posted. I hope you are ok. I said a prayer for you. Just want you to know that you have people out here who care!!!


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Same here. I may not be posting but I'm listening. Sorry you are here. Wishing you all the strength in the world to get you through this.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Please let us know you are OK. You can PM one of us if you don't want to post something. We are all still here . . .


Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 225 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
Nitrobob
Member
Member # 42021
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, January 27th (Monday)

They typically have a basic charge of 40 to 60 depending on city or suburbs for a legitimate massage. When its over they do a verbal dance to see if you want more in case you are a cop. Hand jobs/ oral/ intercourse go for 40 /60/100 more. At some places they send in a real masseuse first, and at the end she introduces a different girl for the sex. That girl is hot, the masseuse isn't. That way they husband their resources. Some men do get legitimate massages though..I did. She walked on my back and it hurt like hell! I would assume, however, he got sex. It's probably better than an affair. No emotion. The girls don't speak English typically, and I suspect many are duped into the business, a sad situation to take advantage of if you are a man.


Me 50 WW 40, 3PA, 1EA over single summer 7/13-9/13, DDay 10/13
M 9 years,together 12, in R mode

James Russell Lowell 'Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people.'


Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Lcurdog
New Member
Member # 42126
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Aigolost, I'm the thread Asian massage parlors. If he is going to asian massage it's for happy endings! My life is upside down right now. I have been married for 29 year. My husband stumbled apon this dark and sick world. It's easy for them as there is no commitment. They walk in pay the house and pay an extra tip for the hand job. Thankfully my nightmare stops at the hand job. Some places offer full sex. Take care of your self first. You did nothing to push this man to asian massage. I can't even get a pedicure right now because i look at the girl and think hey does she moon light in a massage parlor.Keep posting and reading this site has made me realize I do love my husband and he is being totally accountable for all of this

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2014
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Update: thank you so much for the continued support and kindness. Your prayers and concern are amazing. I don't have much to tell - he got home last night and we didn't talk much about it. I want to reassure everyone that we have moved beyond the crazy anger spot years ago so I am in no danger of having him flip out on me or me lose it and hit him or anything. we just don't go to the angry spot anymore. Last night he told me he loved me and he would never do that and then we spent anout an hour in bed - not talking - and although I still need to ask more questions - I didnt feel last night was a good time to ask. One thing about us that probably should make me feel better is whenever we are apart from each other we cant keep our hands off each other. So we do have alot of sexual chemistry and he said last night - "I have great sex at home - why would I pay for it?" But my conern is not that he would go to massage parlors because he is starved for attention - its that he could be a sex addict. So no matter how compatible we are - he still might want it. he had many many girlfriends before we married and one counselor told him he was a sex addict in college - but that was at BYU - all people who ever have sex before marriage would ne considered sex addicts to them. I know he is an amazing father and he loves me and IF this happened it's not about me - its about his issues and his childhood - of course that doesn't make it okay. It's hard because when I am around him I am certain he got a legit massage. But when he is not around - work or whatever - I question it like crazy. It's not really fair to ask him to constantly reassure me - but that is in the space I am right now - if it happened I would love for him to admit it and then I can move from this questioning place. But he still firmly denies it. Still going to schedule counseling. I would love to hear from men about how men lie or at what point they cave. If he has held out this long patiently reassuring me - should I question it more or less? Is emotional appeal ever effective?


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Update: thank you so much for the continued support and kindness. Your prayers and concern are amazing. I don't have much to tell - he got home last night and we didn't talk much about it. I want to reassure everyone that we have moved beyond the crazy anger spot years ago so I am in no danger of having him flip out on me or me lose it and hit him or anything. we just don't go to the angry spot anymore. Last night he told me he loved me and he would never do that and then we spent anout an hour in bed - not talking - and although I still need to ask more questions - I didnt feel last night was a good time to ask. One thing about us that probably should make me feel better is whenever we are apart from each other we cant keep our hands off each other. So we do have alot of sexual chemistry and he said last night - "I have great sex at home - why would I pay for it?" But my conern is not that he would go to massage parlors because he is starved for attention - its that he could be a sex addict. So no matter how compatible we are - he still might want it. he had many many girlfriends before we married and one counselor told him he was a sex addict in college - but that was at BYU - all people who ever have sex before marriage would ne considered sex addicts to them. I know he is an amazing father and he loves me and IF this happened it's not about me - its about his issues and his childhood - of course that doesn't make it okay. It's hard because when I am around him I am certain he got a legit massage. But when he is not around - work or whatever - I question it like crazy. It's not really fair to ask him to constantly reassure me - but that is in the space I am right now - if it happened I would love for him to admit it and then I can move from this questioning place. But he still firmly denies it. Still going to schedule counseling. I would love to hear from men about how men lie or at what point they cave. If he has held out this long patiently reassuring me - should I question it more or less? Is emotional appeal ever effective?


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
SadInNC
Member
Member # 42170
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the update! I'm glad that you are ok

It's a rollercoaster for sure. I have enjoyed great sex with my WS after learning about his A, too. He has also lied to my face about details. This man loves me. I have no doubt about that. I love him, too. We have been married 27 years and he wants R very badly. For some reason, he has given me TT. Most days I want R and then other days, I am not so sure I can do it. I'm not so sure I can heal. I'm not so sure I can "get over it."

My advice to you is to BE ON YOUR GUARD. That's all. You love your husband and he loves you. Just keep an eye on him now. We are here for you! Continue to post and let us know how you are doing, even if you are doing great. I would still love to hear from you.

[This message edited by SadInNC at 6:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


BS/Me WH/Him

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person


Posts: 339 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: North Carolina, United States
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Honey, I'm so sorry you are here but, I know you got here because of the chaos that has become your life. Gently, you are playing right into the game. Sticking your head In the sand and choosing to believe his lies instead if the truth you have already taken the time to confirm.

I can't blame you. I did it for years. I truly didn't know what he was doing as I never suspected anything. I just knew something was not right. It was just easier than to believe that my H would ever do anything to hurt me. I was so wrong and I hate to see you make a choice that will only cost you more time before having to face your truth.

You saw the charges, you saw the place and, you believe him? Stop doubting yourself and call him out. Make him answer to the evidence you have. You have to start somewhere and it might as well be here. Otherwise, you are only prolonging the agony of the inevitable.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 37 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 746 | Registered: Apr 2013
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I know that I am probably doing that - I asked our last counselor over and over - did he cheat? Did he not? Is he lying? And finally he said "most women who are being cheated on just know" And I remember thinking "but I don't know - one second I am positive he is - and the next second I'm questioning again. If I lay out all the evidence then yeah - he looks damn guilty- not just of this but of having a hidden life and betraying me for several years - but I honestly don't know. And I sometimes get that feeling of - hmm something isn't right - but I always feel better within a day or too and that feeling never lasts. I know the man who is my husband and it doesn't square with the behavior I have seen. So - I am totally confused. How do you really know if your life is a lie until it all blows up in your face and the WH or WW confesses? Did any of you just know? Did you feel that way all the time or did it come and go?


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
1devastedmom
Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I agree with outta, gently you know he did it. Please don't make the same mistake as me. I knew something was up 8 years ago but believed his lies. He was always loving towards me we had TONS of sex. Then I found out he had been seeing hookers for 9 years and before that he went to massage parlors for 6 years ( and yes they do full sex there anything a prostitute does they'll do). At a minimum you need to track him via gps and his cell phone, even better put spyware on his phone, keylogger on the computer. Check his cellphone bill, google every single number that you don't recognize. Look for a cheap burner phone.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 138 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
knutz
Member
Member # 28877
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I am glad you are OK. I am in total agreement with the others. If it walks like a duck . . .

If you haven't been checked for STD's yet, please do it soon. My motto since this happened is "trust but verify".

My husband swore on the lives of my children that he did not cheat. This man was the love of my life. The absolute LAST person in my life I thought would betray me. The best thing that ever happened to me. We were the perfect couple. Everybody wanted what we had.

He swore on the lives of his children. Addicts will sell their souls to keep their secret. If your husband is an addict --- his addiction comes FIRST. Not you. Not the kids. Not his family, his job, his reputation. His addiction. Period.

Sex addicts are like stealths. They can keep things hidden. Most were sexually abused. They learned to hide their feelings. They are literally renacting their abuse with other sexual partners. Many were emotionally abandoned by their mothers. This causes a lack of emotional intimacy. They compartmentalize their lives.

I hope you can listen to what we are all saying to you. I am four years out. Things are only a little better. He is sober, in 12-step, therapy, etc. He is remorseful. He is a better husband & father now. I just can't get past what he did to us.

Stay vigilant.



Together 23 years
Married 20 Years
BW (me) 48
FWH: 49 (rSA)
2 children, 9 & 12
DDay: December 27, 2009
"Life is not what it is supposed to be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it is what makes the difference". Virginia Satir

Posts: 225 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: New England
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I hear you all and I appreciate it so much. Im sitting in jury duty - yuck - and reading other forums. you are all the most amazing people on the planet. your empathy and integrity is amazing and should be required reading for everyone! whoever started this website has saved lives - and kept families together - and blessed so many lives - no question. 4 years ago I was going crazy about the lies and the possible emotional affair - which I suppose could have been physical - I'll never know. I had a good long conversation with myself where I openly decided that I would ignore all the lies and move on with love for my kiddos because I felt exhausted trying to track his every movement - a cheater can hide and my husband has the resources to hide better than most - then - eventually - I figured something would happen that would make it unable to ignore anymore - he would slip up and reveal something even without me tracking him - she would call me - whatever - and when that day came my kids would be older and better able to deal. I chose to stick my head in the sand with my eyes wide open because I felt it was unfair to go hunting for information that would destroy my kids family when they were so young. I didn't even think of getting the truth with the hope of rebuilding our marriage because I felt if I found out he had a physical affair I would never be ablr to get over it and we would have to divorce. He cut off all contact with OW - I think. This was not a comfortable place to be in for about 2 years - I just "put a bandaid on it and closed the door" - to quote someone on another forum - cant remember who said it but wow - perfect description! Then I got pregnant with out 3rd baby and my son and I almost died during the delivery and the pregnancy was like hell too - so that destracted me for about a year and a half - my H and I got closer and I finally let myself fall completely in love with him and trust him again. Then - just as I am totally comfortable again I see the massage parlor crap. My first thought was - damn the day of reckoning actually came and I was hoping it would be much later when my kids are older. But now I am right back to the place of ignoring again and if you had asked me 4 years ago if I would be able to stuff this event in the closet I would have said hell no - but once you start stuffing things in the closet it becomes a hard habit to break. I'm not sure if anything other than seeing the affair happen could shake me out of this denial place I am in right now - and it really surprises me that I am stuck in this place - that is so not me. Not sure what to do about it or how to get unstuck. But - I'm eating and sleeping and way better then before - that closet door is firmly closed right now - so weird. I will set up counseling because I know the door will fly open when I least expect it. But - I still do feel that the longer I can ignore - the older my kids will get - and the happier they will be. So I've heard the advise given the last few days on tracking him and think - why would I go hunting for info that will gut me? I used to be a sleuth with him 4 years ago and it was exhausting. I know you all know I am stuck - so thank you for being patient with me.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
aigalost
New Member
Member # 42206
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I am also going to copy my last post and move it over to the Asian massage parlor forum. I keep getting emails showing when people reply to my posts on this forum and Id rather not have my husband see any of these yet. So if I move forums the notices will stop. I will continue to post and read everything. Thank you all - I am reading your stories like crazy and reading all the stuff in the healing library and it is really helping me understand myself better. I'd still love your feedback when I move over to the other forum but Id prefer not to get replies on this forum anymore. Love you guys! You are a God send.


Me: 36 - possible BW
Him: 41 - possible WH
3 amazing kids 10,7 and 2
Married 12 years
One round of counseling 4 years ago due to lies and possible emotional affair on his part.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014
realgood2u
Member
Member # 20940
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)

Make that credit report a demand not a request. Sharing this info within a marriage is necessary in my view.

That personal account he has needs to be open to you and you should be able to access any time you like and look back on past statements. Once you have what you need it gets closed. From now on he operates from joint accounts. He gets a reasonable agreed upon amount of cash each week and no more.

Did he cheat? Someone once told me if you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer. Like most of us you just don't understand why.


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/phi/187640237.html

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cngsVlG3Z60


Posts: 385 | Registered: Sep 2008
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, February 20th (Thursday)

I made the mistake, over 20 years ago, of believing. Believing a husband who told me he didn't cheat when all evidence pointed to the contrary.

Here I am.

You know. You don't want to know, but you do. You will address it when you feel safe doing so--when lying to yourself is less attractive than facing the truth.

I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. The consequences, to my soul, were ... shattering.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 30