SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: I think he is done.
MairISaoirse
Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 25th (Saturday)

I think he is done. HB is over. he is withdrawing and continuing life without me. I feel like he isn't the same person anymore, not even the same person he was two weeks ago.

I think i pushed it. I was emotional and i think hormonal and i got crazy and jealous of the new (female) friends hes been hanging out with, and i gave him the ultimatum; come over and talk or stay with his friends. he stayed with his friends. and I walked out on him. i was extremely selfish that night. I later apologized, and we made up in bed.

I feel awful about it now, and hes been somewhat cool towards me lately.

He says he needs time to think, and that scares me. I know that most SIers think i should leave him, but i'm still really in love with him. I don't know what to do.


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I feel like he isn't the same person anymore, not even the same person he was two weeks ago.

I believe he has not changed at all, you have. You have been doing the work on yourself and it shines through that he has not. By the way MairI, one doesn't "make up" by going to bed, you simply had sex. Some people on here had sex right up to the moment they found out their spouse was cheating.

His "asking" about a threeway, "Tinder, hot or not" and his new female "friends" that he is spending time with on his own are all red flags being shown to you and you are ignoring them. I'll tell you the way you keep him and can marry him. Forget about everything he does that causes you pain and look at him with adoration and keep your blinders on. Doesn't sound like what you want does it?

Drop him and get on with your life. You will meet someone who meets your standards and the standards for yourself that you are building right now. You made a mistake (yes, a mistake) and you don't need to pay for that for the rest of your life. You don't need the excuses you are giving to yourself to unburden yourself from this guy. Like, "My actions changed him." Infidelity does not turn a BS into someone who has no respect for you or himself. He is who he is right now. I'm betting he will change in time and become a better man, he is young, he is still making his own mistakes.

Stop torturing yourself and simply move on. It is not your fault that he won't respect your dealbreakers. You have a right to a happy life and you are not finding it with him.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I know that most SIers think i should leave him, but i'm still really in love with him. I don't know what to do.

Is it 'love' MairI? Do yourself a favor and make a list of the things that you love about him. Not his pretty eyes, or great body. Him, what about him do you love? Honesty? Compassion? Strength? Kindness? Undertanding?

Every post on here is about how he is not doing something you have asked of him or tells about something cruel he is doing, this with his female friends is only the latest. You have to look at your "love" for him very closely, because that is what is holding you back from the action you must take for yourself.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

I think you need to figure out why you love him.

because every once in a while he is nice?

You know that he has probably cheated and broken all kinds of boundaries at the least throughout your whole R. Do you think that will get better? Do you think you can change him?

The sex is not him expressing love. It is him getting off because you are willing to do whatever he says in order to receive some crumbs of affection. Stop trying to win him back with sex. It doesn't work.

You need to love yourself. Then one day you will find a nice man who adores you beyond belief. That will be the man you should marry.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

Let me tell you what I wish I could go back and tell 21yo me...a relationship at 21, in college, shouldn't be hard. It just shouldn't. At 44, I still regret staying in a relationship throughout college that clearly wasn't "right" - and I knew it. Yes, I loved him, still think of him lovingly, but I wish I had freed myself to enjoy other experiences. Free yourself, and find your happiness.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2011
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, January 26th (Sunday)

(((MairlSaoirse)))
I've seen many of your posts about your guy. From what you post, he does not seem to care about your feelings at all.

I was emotional and i think hormonal and i got crazy and jealous of the new (female) friends hes been hanging out with,
You were concerned and worried because he was with other females instead of you. That isn't crazy and hormonal. He has a history of bad boundaries with other females.

It is not your fault that he won't respect your dealbreakers
He isn't respecting your dealbreakers but you are still staying. You are teaching him that he can treat you any way he wants to treat you and you will put up with it (oh, maybe you will get angry or upset, maybe you will stop talking to him for a bit, but you always take him back. He knows this and he does NOT respect you.)

You made a mistake (yes, a mistake) and you don't need to pay for that for the rest of your life.
Yes. I am a BS and I am telling you that you do not deserve the blatant disrespect and self-centeredness your guy is showing.

When you commit infidelity, there is some leeway you have to give your BS because it can make us crazy for a bit. But at some point, BOTH parties have to totally commit to reconciliation and put 100% of their efforts into rebuilding the relationship.

I think you need to figure out why you love him.
I'm curious about this also because I've seen a lot of cruelty from him towards you.

It's been a while, but I DO remember when I was your age. I stayed with my 1st husband for the wrong reasons. I thought he was my only chance at love. I thought I would never find anyone else. I wanted a family. I was naive and I thought ALL guys were emotionally unavailable and kind of controlling (FOO issues). It took some growth and education for me to realize I deserved a chance to find true happiness and that I DID NOT have to put up with a lot of bad behavior from my mate. What is keeping you here? Sometimes love can be a bit of an addiction. And it DOES hurt when we leave someone we love, but sometimes growth means pain, and sometimes doing what is best for ourselves in the long run causes pain right now.

Make yourself a list of his pros and cons. It may help you see things a bit easier.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 6