User Topic: Previous sexual encounters
Member # 37243
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

Before the A, other than major events my H didn't talk of old sexual encounters. And as it was before me I didn't press. After the A he gave me any specific detail of the A. However, playingly tonight I began asking questions of before me and was told he doesn't want to talk about it and won't. In the end it made me angry. He says that was 25 years ago and not important. I think it's a part of who he is, and with us being together 13 years an interesting part of him I don't know. And I guess I feel I'm not asking for too much.

Am I wrong here? Seems so stupid for this to be a big fight.

BW- Me 35 & WH- Him 38
OW- My BFF for 25 years
DDay- 6/28/12 Final truth- 7/28/12
“We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Posts: 177 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

my H didn't talk of old sexual encounters.

Some guys feel it is inappropriate to kiss and tell regarding their past encounters. There is also the possibility there may be someone in his past that you know that he would be embarrassed to talk about.

Am I wrong here? Seems so stupid for this to be a big fight.

Your curiosity is normal and it is not wrong to ask; however, this should not turn into a big fight.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:41 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.

Posts: 5695 | Registered: Aug 2007
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

I'm not sure I agree with HMH, my take is that you're lacking in trust in him right now and any secrets feel dangerous. If there is a reason he feels he can't share something then perhaps he could try to make that clear, but a blanket "no" would feel hurtful to me too. You are giving the gift of R and opening yourself to the idea of trust again, he needs to help build it by being honest in all aspects of his life. My opinion only, of course.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

He says that was 25 years ago and not important

Post A, I don't think he gets to decide what is important or not. If it's important to you then he should tell you. I knew my husbands history, but post A I asked a lot more questions. Were there past sexual deviations, a history of acting out, etc. these are important to recovery in my opinion. A person's past matters. It influenced them. I would wonder what he is hiding.

'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 41119
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, January 26th (Sunday)

This is a hard thing for me to deal with. Before my wh and I married I had asked about previous sexual encounters. I new he had slept with previous girlfriends but he always said he didn't really want to talk about it. I like you didn't press as I was no saint myself. I had gotten pregnant at 18 and had a child already so I didn't feel it was my place to press for those answers. After dday I started asking those questions. What I found out shocked me almost as much as his cheating. Turns out he was getting and performing oral sex on the back of school buses beginning at the age of 15. Multiple ons with girls he picked up at bars, etc. his cheating on me was exactly the same as before we met. Had I known I probably would have still married him as I was 21 and so naive but I wouldn't have been as oblivious to this 2nd life he lived when he was away from home. Anyways my point is I a absolutely think you should know this information. Get who he is, his past all out on the table so you can deal with it and process through it.

Me-BS 33, him-WH 31
Dday 10-30-12 the day before Halloween
Married 10 yrs
DS-14, DD-9, DS-2, DD-5m
Currently trying to R

Posts: 74 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5