User Topic: Letter to someone who helped us R
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 27th (Monday)

I have a question, would it be ok to send a 'thank you' note to one of WH's relatives who really supported us and tried to help WH...

Backstory, all of WH's family knew about his A before I did. They all knew at Christmas 2009.
During the week we were they in Dec 2009, I asked his sisters, brothers in law, mom, to help him. He was acting very strange, and I assumed it was because he was abusing pills. Turned out WH was having an A, abusing pills, and undiagnosed bipolar. I remember the last night we were there, after calling so many of them or speaking to the face to face, asking them to help WH, they just looked down, would not even acknowledge me or look me in the eye.

BUT... there was one cousin and his wife who quietly tried to help us the entire week... They invited us over to dinner & talked to us then, then had my WH to dinner again & encouraged him to get help, and then sat with me and talked to me for an hour that last night where no one else would even look at me. They really came to bat for our family. They are what I would call friends of the marriage.

These people also never bad mouthed me when other family was during the year we were divorcing.

The wife has terminal cancer. I think the doctors have given her 6 months to a year.

I would like for them both to know how much I appreciate their support of our family. Would it be weird to write them a letter thanking them for their support

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 10:29 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, January 27th (Monday)

I think a letter of thanks would be a lovely thing to do. I was in a similar situation with my best friend a few years back - I found out that her BF was straying and "mediated" for them for a while (they have R'd) and she wrote and thanked me. I was very touched.

[This message edited by Sparkle0504 at 10:30 AM, January 27th (Monday)]

Me 44 (BS) Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011

The truth hurts, but nowhere near as much as the lies
"Sounds harsh, but she's my wife and I'm supposed to be there when she's having sex" Sal1995

Posts: 230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 27th (Monday)

I think that is a WONDERFUL idea. Kind and compassionate decent people need to know that they DO make a difference in people's lives.

We also have a FOM who's been willing to dive into the mudpit with us, talk to us each separately, and tries to "mediate" when we hit the bottom of the rollercoaster. I said to WH, "Not too many people would be willing to do this...". He laughingly replied, "well, apparently 'not too many' means ONE. He's the ONLY one willing to really dive into the weeds with us and lovingly apply 2x4s to BOTH of us." He's an amazing FOM.

I usually send him a text of thanks once we are back on the uphill climb to let him know how much his 2x4's, friendship, love, and support are appreciated.

Definitely write the letter. If she is fighting cancer, they certainly need every ounce of loving supportive karma to come back to them right now.

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 27th (Monday)

how does this sound---

Dear Joe and Anne,

The dust has long since settled from our horrible year, 2010. Looking back now, I am very grateful to family and friends who supported us during that time. You both took time out during Christmas 2009 to encourage us to rethink divorce; you took WH aside to talk to him privately, and you both counseled me at the New Years Eve party at Steve and Gwen's house.

You will never know how much your support was and is appreciated. Your actions exemplified the meaning of family.

Gotta & Husband

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I think that letter is lovely and heartfelt.

BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1023 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 27th (Monday)

That sounds perfect.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 951 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, January 27th (Monday)

the letter looks great, and i think you should write it.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Oh, yes. I imagine they know and are happy that you didn't D, but I think they'd really enjoy knowing they are part of what kept you together. You'd be telling them they impacted your lives deeply and in a very good way. You'd be telling them the risks they took in bringing up the awfulness of that period paid off. And you'll probably feel good letting them know.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

written and sealed. now im freaking out a little that I wrote "WH" instead of my husband's name

edited to add- and dropped in the mailbox.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 11:34 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Absolutely! You are a strong, wonderful person for thinking of doing that. Send that letter!!

Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1075 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

thanks, I hope they understand how much I appreciate what they did when we were splitting up around D-day (I didn't know about the A yet.. WH was leaving for OW & I didn't know)

My other in laws told me that I needed to change, to be more attentive to WH. But these two really understood and were true 'friends of the marriage'. Not only did they do the right thing, but they went against the rest of the family to do the right thing. I have a ton of respect for that

Posts: 1401 | Registered: Jan 2010
Topic Posts: 11