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Wayward Side
User Topic: A perspective almost 5 years out
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, January 27th (Monday)

BS and WS welcome
In his hit song "The Gambler", Kenny Rogers advises us to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. There's a time to ease back, and there's a time to push it.
Nobody with half a functioning brain cell thinks it's OK to cheat or stray. Waywards here are otherwise intelligent people who had a run of stupid choices. So it's often asked "What made it OK"? We point to feelings of neglect, maybe feelings of alienation, etc. We figure out that we chose the worst possible to deal with these issues. I was thinking a lot over the past few days and went one level deeper. What set the chain of events leading to my infidelity in motion?
Flash back to the summer of 2007. 6-8 months before my stupidity. The Alpha Female and I are talking. While we're talking we both acknowledge that we're not close like we once were..
Now the Alpha Female is not one to talk about "us" or her feelings, and stuff like that. I, on the other hand, AM that person. So, it was on me to lead the way on this. Instead of pushing the issue and having the conversation as to "Why aren't we close like we used to be?", I let it fester. Feelings of growing apart, etc. which led me to allowing myself to think this was "OK".
So, friends, please have "that" conversation. Even if it's uncomfortable. If I had pushed that issue then, I most likely would not have had an A.


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
HUFI-PUFI
Member
Member # 25460
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, January 27th (Monday)

LF and I have been watching the TV show, Revolution over the past few days. Time after time, we comment on the fact that so much of the drama is occurring because the characters are not having conversations. They have these thoughts and feelings bottled up inside and nobody is talking about them. They stare out into the distance and clam up like crazy.

The problem of course is that while the lack of communication works great in TV land for creating drama and subplots, in the real world, mis-communication can hurt people.

I think that to paraphrase the saying of NC equals no new hurts, in this instance, I think that NC (No Conversations) equals Hurt.

If only we would have or even now could talk about the hurts inside, then perhaps thing might be different for a lot of us.

I think that too many of us are trapped in the worry that being open and honest will be hurtful while in actual fact, the reverse is true. Not talking openly and honestly about our thoughts and feelings is creating the bigger problems in our lives.

HUFI

Anon - You can close your eyes from the things you donít want to see, you can close your mouth to the things you fear to say but you can never close your heart from the things you donít want to feel.


Donít listen to your head, itís easily confused. Donít listen to your heart, its fickle. Listen to your soul, God doesn't steer you wrong.

Posts: 3226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Azilda, Northern Ontario
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 27th (Monday)

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce

"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"


Posts: 2073 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Trying33
Member
Member # 38815
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, January 27th (Monday)

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.

Exactly this ^^^^^^


Posts: 361 | Registered: Mar 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, January 27th (Monday)

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.
This does suck....


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5758 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Hi JKL,

I understand what you are saying. It is so important to have those conversations, to push if you must.

So often, I would try to push, to say "just because you don't talk about it doesn't make it not so".

For you to have those conversations, it could mean a difference in the quality of your life. It has to be reciprocated. The effort has to come from both.

You know my story, too well! One sided does not work.

I hope you are able to get past this, to make this better, to improve this communication.

Just a thought but would it be easier for her to put it in writing? Would it be easier for her to read it from you?

Just thoughts...

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Now the Alpha Female is not one to talk about "us" or her feelings, and stuff like that. I, on the other hand, AM that person. So, it was on me to lead the way on this. Instead of pushing the issue and having the conversation as to "Why aren't we close like we used to be?", I let it fester. Feelings of growing apart, etc. which led me to allowing myself to think this was "OK".

This was my M. One step further -- I had convinced myself that I was pushing. Looking back, my contributions were more like "you should do something" rather than effectively starting a conversation.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
TwoStepsBehind
New Member
Member # 42247
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

This is particularly helpful as I am gathering the courage to tell my BS about the true details of an event he's long wondered about.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014
JKL Vikings
Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

MJ and heartbroken 0903, I feel you. I have dealt with the dismissal and eye roll. It's gotten a little better in the nearly 5 years since d-day.
cant... I'm hoping and mostly believing that our communication has improved to the point where we can address why and how we lost the closeness.


Her- Alpha Female 40
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 515 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

What really sucks, though, is when you know you have to have that conversation, and you push your reticent spouse/SO to have it...and you get dismissed/invalidated/ignored or met with an angry sigh, a roll of the eyes, a "Why are you manufacturing problems/causing arguments/why can't you just be happy?" instead of constructive dialogue and fostering of emotional intimacy.

This. It sucks.

We're nowhere near five years out. We're only five weeks out.

I tried my best for years to get us to MC, he refused and completely denied there was a problem. I begged and pleaded with him to talk to me but he completely shut me out.
Now he's angry I didn't try harder and I hate myself for giving up on him.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 10