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User Topic: IC - His & Hers
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Every IC session I've had so far has been completely focused on our M, the A and WH. At this point I'm not sure I've gotten very far with any of it. Almost 6 months post Dday and I still don't have any more answers than I did in the beginning. I think I'm more lost and confused now than I was at 1 month out.

WH went to one IC session several months ago and then never went back.... until last week. I made it a requirement of attempting to move forward, he agreed and went back last week (kicking & screaming). However after his session he said he was so glad he went and was looking forward to his next session (this week).

My thoughts going forward with my IC is to move the focus off of the M, the A and WH. (is that crazy talk?) And consider spending time looking at me. I come with my own set of sh*t. I need to figure out why I seem to have bad relationship karma, deal with FOO issues that I prefer to keep boxed up and put away. Work on me until WH has spent time working on him and has something valuable to offer back to the relationship.

Also has anyone given their WS thoughts, questions, topics they wanted them to discuss with their IC? Or is it all just left to the WS and the IC to figure out? I mean if you have a specific concern, question, topic; is it fair game to say "I'd like you to consider talking with your counselor about xyz."


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Matisse
Member
Member # 38338
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Also has anyone given their WS thoughts, questions, topics they wanted them to discuss with their IC? Or is it all just left to the WS and the IC to figure out? I mean if you have a specific concern, question, topic; is it fair game to say "I'd like you to consider talking with your counselor about xyz."

I've asked him to discuss certain issues we've had, I've had with him or he's had with me with his therapist. More than once I've ended a disagreement we've had with "we'll shelf this until you bring it up with your therapist."


Posts: 96 | Registered: Feb 2013
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Hmmm, I think that it is completely ok for you to ask him to discuss xyz with his counselor. It is also ok for him to refuse. However, if you are in MC and those things come up, then he should have to address them.

I know my STBX has MAJOR FOO issues, and that is the main reason I wanted him in IC .. however, I have no way of knowing if he is still in IC. As we have been NC since 12/7/2013. We have only had text/e-mails except for the 2 times he came to the house. Minimal conversation then.

I think you should concentrate on you. Just mho.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 27th (Monday)

Matisse - We don't communicate much about our issues unless I've let things build up and eventually come to a point where I say "we need to talk". Occasionally I'll write an email to express my thoughts, although his response is usually talking in circles and never really says anything at all. So rarely do we encounter a moment where something comes up and provides an opportunity for me to say "we'll table that until you discuss it with your therapist". Although I'm hoping after a few more sessions he'll be more inclined to communicate with me.

BAB61 - We aren't currently on a MC schedule. It's really fruitless until he works with his IC. It's like seeing an oncologist while you lie in a tanning bed chain smoking! After a few more sessions with his IC I hope for us to go back to MC and actually get somewhere.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, January 27th (Monday)

I did ask him tonight if he had anything specific he wanted to discuss with his IC tomorrow. He said there were a few things, but didn't offer them so I didn't press.... Wonder if I should have asked what, but I don't want him to shut down either.

OMG Why is this such a freaking maze?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
OnAnIsland
Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

your IC:
You are the patient and client here. You should direct the conversation and therapy towards what you need to explore. I would think healing yourself, which may encompass dealing with M and A, but also FOO. I think that the communication patterns you discuss in part of this post (waiting until things build up to communicate, etc.) should also really be explored. And if you are feeling stuck or no progress, I would switch therapists after confronting.

his IC:
given his resistance to IC initially, I would likely let him proceed for a bit without directing him. (say 1-3 more sessions). Then I would talk with him about what you would like him to explore. I would also ask him what he is doing in IC regularly. letting him know you are interested, but also allowing him to keep it private if he prefers. My WH was initially opposed to IC for a bunch of practical reasons. His first round of IC was limited, and IC actually graduated him- told him he didn't need long term therapy. I disagreed completely, and waited for the other shoe to drop which it did when he broke no contact to "see how she was doing". When he returned to therapy, I insisted on a real therapist- I know his therapist and she is very good. And not ending therapy without a discussion with the me. And I did let him be. I ask/ed what they discussed but let him go. I told him when I had concerns and things that he still needed to explore.

MC:
I am with you on no point in pouring money and time into MC, until his IC has made progress.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1478 | Registered: Dec 2011
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Hi fogged,

I think it's really a natural, very natural, progression..this...

My thoughts going forward with my IC is to move the focus off of the M, the A and WH.

At least this is how my IC experience played out just naturally, and I think that's when I started to regain my balance and semblance of emotional health!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 552 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Thanks for your feedback.
It's really really difficult not to try and direct things. I find myself having very little patience right now. Geez I've waited almost 6 months for WH to even go to IC, you'd think I could make it a few more weeks to see what shakes out.

I guess I'm naturally a results and goal oriented individual. I like to see things happening. 2 word responses to questions bum me out. I will just take a deep breath and overcome!


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Have you considered setting up some ad hoc MC sessions when you have an issue with your H.

After all, what I think you're describing is that you identify an issue and want him to work on it - but it's your issue, even if the best solution is for him to make changes.

I have asked my W to work on specific things in IC from time to time, but her IC is our MC, so I can and will raise the issue myself if I want to.

I get the same answer each time, though - I can request, but my W does her IC on her schedule.

I think that's the way it's gotta be - people change (and that's what IC is for) when they want to change, not when someone else wants them to.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9990 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
FoggedIn
Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

sisoon - Considering we will be looking for a new MC, I'm not sure ad hoc sessions will be an option, at least not for a little while.

Our MC isn't a very good fit for our infidelity topic. He would be fine if we were having your regular run of the mill marriage issues, but clearly we aren't.

So in the next couple of weeks I hope to give another MC a go and hopefully find someone that has a better background in infidelity.


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Topic Posts: 10