Topic: What does this mean?
Member # 41741
| Posted: 10:04 AM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
Basically, we have been getting along good and he is doing everything right. I feel stronger and able to deal with this (most times). I still have my moments of despair and "why is this happening/how could he". He is doing everything right, answers questions to the point I don't ask as many anymore, transparency and then some, etc... . He has cried and truly seems remorseful. My question is: the stronger I get, the less I give a crap about him. I love him and want this to work, but I just don't know if I can EVER, EVER let it go. Is it me not R or is it normal to feel this way?
Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
Filed, but may R after
Posts: 844 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 31240
| Posted: 12:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
2 months out I was still in shock. My head went every which way with pros and cons and cons and pros, my heart went every which way between grief and anger and anger and grief, my gut was just stumped and scared.
You sound like you're in a lot better place than I was, but I would still expect a lot of internal volatility.
I think what you're experiencing is pretty much normal. Very unpleasant, but normal.
fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 9936 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39210
| Posted: 2:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
It was normal for me. It would come and go. It would be euphoric we can do this! To ftg, I don't need him. An exhausting rollercoaster.
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'
Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Member # 41761
| Posted: 2:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
Same here. Some days I feel like I'm too good for him and that I deserve better. Some days I feel like I just can't stay in this relationship.
And then other days, I couldn't imagine leaving.
It sure is a roller-coaster, and its definitely not fun.
Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 30315
| Posted: 2:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
I felt the same way shortly after DDay, I dont remember how long. For me, I think it was a coping mechanism. If I did not need him, then he could not hurt me that way ever again. I was terrified of ever needing him the way I had before, because it opened myself up to being hurt all over again.
It took me a while to get past that and to truly let down some of the walls, but i did get there.
I am pessimistically optimistic
Married 14 years, together 17. Two kids together, boys age 9 and 10.
I never knew that something could be this painful and not kill you.
Posts: 782 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Southeast Texas
Member # 42195
| Posted: 2:36 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
I get this, too. When I'm feeling stronger, I give less of a crap about him. But then he notices, and responds even better, and I swing back the other way to where I'm so excited that we could turn into one of those "better then before" couples. Then the pain of it all sneaks back up on me, so I re-focus on me more, until I'm feeling stronger....and so it goes. *sigh*
Me (BW): 40
Married: 15 years
Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 23547
| Posted: 2:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
Normal. Completely normal. Your D-Day is very recent.
I'll be 5 years out on April 6th. Eventually you will let it go. I won't say things will ever go back to how you felt pre-A, but you do let it go. I can go days, weeks, even months without thinking about it. My husband did everything right from day one and we did rebuild, but I am forever changed.
FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)
Posts: 485 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 38139
| Posted: 3:10 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
I am 13 months out from DDay, and i still have days like that. Mostly, it hits me when we have a set back, (like if WH makes a mistake) I go to the dark place and the feelings of "i cant believe what he did, i deserve better, i cant stay" kick in. BUT, They are fewer and far between now....however, in the early days, i went back and forth a lot.
I think what you are feeling is normal. Hang in there. hugs to you.
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"
Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 31030
| Posted: 4:27 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
I'm 4.8 years out and I will never forget it, but I have accepted it. Honestly, it wasn't until year 4 that I could really say it and mean it. I have accepted that it happened and absolutely nothing I can do will ever change that it happened. I have surrendered to that and chosen to move forward with my husband and my marriage. Our relationship is forever changed and the past mourned, but I really do like who we are now much better than before.
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs
Posts: 768 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 30143
| Posted: 4:49 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)|
Gosh, at two months out, I hadn't even gotten a good start! I was in shock for the first several weeks, and then unable to function for five more months.
That's just me, but be prepared for lots of ups and downs. It's normal.
Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R
Posts: 1448 | Registered: Nov 2010
|Topic Posts: 10|| |