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User Topic: Confronted OM
Louisville1
New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Post up my story for the first time last week.
Since then we've had ups and downs...for me mostly downs.
It came out, after me quizzing about dates and events, that her first date with this douche happened before we "faux " separated. Really decayed me when I looked through our old text and was able to piece the lies together with what actually happened.
I had convinced her to divulge his identity to me on the promise is not do anything. That was a week ago. Since then I tracked him and learned about him. His work days, residence, vehicle etc. Had a vague idea of what he looked like based on old fb pics on his account.
I happened to need to return merchandise to the store he worked at today and saw his vehicle in the lot. I decided I had to confront him, not to fight but to look him in the eye and let him know who I was and that he should find a new job or transfer and to make damn certain he never uttered a syllable to my wife or even looked at her. I watched him leave work, followed him to where he was going to have lunch.
The moment his door opened I was within a foot and called h by name saying I wanted to talk to him. He was a deer in headlights and quickly put on an act that I had him confused and that wasn't his name. I told him I knew who he was and and asked if he knew who I was. He said no, I said you're certain your not the guy I'm looking for, he said no and I turned and walked to my car. He then got bold and said who are you? I calmly replied if your not xxxxxxx the. It does t matter who I am and drove off.

Within 30 minutes, my wife called me scared and furious with me. It was him and he immediately contacted her threatening to call the cops. She told me she yelled at him, called him a douche and said this all has to stop.

I went home to discuss it with her. Personally, although it was a mistake, I feel better looking that bastard in the eye and seeing his panic. I had no intentions of fighting or doing anything other than being a man talking straight with a wannabe man.

But she is furious with me. Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business. I've been working through this with the intent of reconciliation and may have screwed that chance up. It's only been two weeks since DDay and she knows I'm checking her phone and where abouts. I believe her when she said it was over, but I can't shake the insecurity and paranoia. I asked last week to tolerate this, and she claimed she understood but in the end she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.
I swore to her id steer clear of her work and him.
Looking long term I want this to be all over, but am not certain our marriage will survive. As I try to plan out an elaborate 21 st anniversary in March.
Seems like I'm bearing all the guilt, suffering and punishment.
Just not fair.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

First off, cancel the anniversary party. You will be in no mood to pretend everything is hunky-dory, and at this point, she has done nothing to deserve the gift of reconciliation.

Second, she might need reminding that she broke your trust in a much more devastating way. The NERVE of these people honestly floors me. She needs to get off her high horse and start looking like a remorseful spouse.

Third, stay away from the OM. You don't need trouble with the law on top of your present troubles.

Fourth, good luck, man. It might take more than a few weeks for this woman to come out of the fog.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7212 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
1owner
Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Sorry you're here buddy.

Let her get furious! She had an affair and accuses you of breaking her trust?

She should divulge every word of the conversation they had. You have a right to know.

She's acting victimized? Not a good sign.

180 hard and fast.

Good luck!


Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business.

She is trying to flip the script. You didn't break her trust, she broke YOUR trust when she slept with another man outside of her M.
It is called blameshifting here on SI.
I've been working through this with the intent of reconciliation and may have screwed that chance up.

The A shit sandwich has the best of us thinking craziness. YOU didn't screw anything up. Again, SHE had the A. You have every right to behave as you did.
If she were R, which it doesn't sound like it, she wouldn't care.
My friend had an A on her H. He went to go kick the other guy's behind. She didn't call him, she called his BS and explained everything. To this day, he has stated over and over again that he is going to get him good when he retires and doesn't need his clearance. How does she feel about it. Complete and true R. She doesn't want him to fight over her, but only because she doesn't want him to get in trouble for her poor choices. She has told me in confidence that the OM deserves it, and she doesn't blame her H, AND she won't warn the OM.
She has owned her mess and she has done the hard work. She has also helped many other WS and BS ever since.
This is NOT how your wife is acting, and this is what you should be expecting. You deserve her loyalty, not the OM. FTG
FTG FTG FTG.
Read up again on 180 and NC.
Seems like I'm bearing all the guilt, suffering and punishment.

It ends when you say it ends. Treat yourself with respect and do not let others treat you less.
Just not fair.

It's absolutely not fair, but she will continue this behavior unless you knock her off the fence.
I'm sorry you are here. I'm sorry ANY of us have reason to be here.
Take a gander over to the WS forum and read what true R looks like and start demanding what you deserve or be prepared to walk. You can NOT make her give you R. Only she can do that, but you CAN control what you will take.
I hope she realizes what she is about to lose before it is too late.

ETA: And for what it's worth, the OM is a punk assed POS cowardly Mother F...er! Uhhhgggg. Disgusting coward.
To quote my Mama, "Does he have a c..t or a dick between his legs, WTF!"

[This message edited by StillLivin at 2:40 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Says I broke her trust

Oh please....

As I try to plan out an elaborate 21 st anniversary in March.

^^^ why are you doing this??

You need to know none of this is your fault.

She is the guilty party. She needs to get to work if she wants to save the marriage.

I don't know why you are giving her the deck of cards to hold, take them back and pull the 180 on her.

She isn't worthy of a pity party right now, never mind a 21st anniversary bash....



“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
TheClimb
Member
Member # 25895
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Louisville:

But she is furious with me. Says I broke her trust

To freakin bad. She slept with this piece of shit while married to you. She wouldn't give you his name the first five times you asked and the only way you got it was promising you wouldn't contact him. Excuse me, you deserved to know his name. She is pissed at you! Tell her to kiss your ass. What about NC with him; she took his damn call.

The audacity of these WW blows my top. On DD#1 you bet I called the nasty little whore. I didn't ask or inform my husband that I was going to do it. Too bad if he had a problem with it.

What a little sissy this guy is; if you have the nerve to sleep with someone who is married, you better have the balls to look me in the eye and answer some damn questions about it.

Please read up on the 180 found in the Healing Library. You can not "nice" waywards back into the marriage. Your wife is still protecting him, until she begins putting your interests first, there can be no reconciliation.


"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 461 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland
Ambergray
Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Broke her trust?? bahahaha!


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 91 | Registered: Sep 2013
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business.

So it's okay for her to meet him alone but you can't? That's rich.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4076 | Registered: Sep 2005
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I believe her when she said it was over, but I can't shake the insecurity and paranoia. I asked last week to tolerate this, and she claimed she understood but in the end she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.

I made the same mistake. If it's over, they won't tell you that you're making them feel like a prisoner.

The OM: what a coward.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Im silently cheering that you confronted him!!!!!!! I would have done the same thing, I wish I could do it!!!! good for you.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Consider the type of "person" (not a man) that will deny his own name.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Excellent advice from stilllivin. I actually let my WW bully me for about two months till I located my balls again. I texted the OM with telling him if there is contact there will be punishment. WW was furious, protecting the OM. Then I finally contacted the OM's BS. Again, furious.

Said she was done. Okay, you cheated, I'm fine with that. That's when it turned. Pulled her head out of her ass.

This is your life! You put the man on notice and his pussy ass called your WW for protection. My WW's OM did the same thing on DDay #1. Send him a skirt in the mail anonymously.

You did nothing wrong, NOTHING. You love your WW, that is not wrong!

My point is I did a ton of things I thought would derail R. You WW needs to become remorseful before you can even begin that process. Go slow, do what is best after really thinking about it. It is a painful process. We are about six months out and just now starting to have a string of good days. When you get to that point, you realize you and your WW have been doing the work. Be gentle with yourself and I wish you the best.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Send him a skirt in the mail anonymously

Pfffff, I'd send his B ass a box of freaking tampons and BC pills.
Dickhead coward. What a B move calling his mistress.
Him: Oh, Mrs. Louisville1, I'm soooooo scared of your manly man H. He was gonna HURT me!
Her: What? Hells no. I will protect your punk ass.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I texted the prostitute. My wh did not get angry.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

@Louisville1,
As other members have already pointed out it was your WW who broke the trust.

The other thing that concerns me is that OM immediately calls her and she in turn calls you. Except she didn''t call to see how you were doing. She called to be confrontational. Quite frankly her insistence that you not confront him was done for her self-protection rather than your benefit.

And pardon me but it is every bit your f*cking business what was said between them. You''re nicer than I would have been because she or I would have been out of the house for suggesting that one damn thing between her and OM wasn''t my business.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3791 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Smokehouse
Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I'll give you a recent example of an exchange between WW and I. I noticed data usage on my WW's phone only on work days between work hours. I was highly suspicious. I tried for two weeks to figure it out with the exception of a keyloggeer, so I just asked, confronted a little I would say.

The answer, incoming emails, from a shitload of retail stores. Quite the shopper she is. She didn't get mad, we figured it out together, emails lined up with times data was being used perfectly=remorseful spouse doing the work!

It will take time, and time will tell if she will get there. Hang in there, you don't need to make a decision right away. If I had due to my pain early on I would be divorced or on my way.

[This message edited by Smokehouse at 4:44 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

They are still talking, there is not NC, she should have his number blocked and not take his calls.

She is concerned with protecting OM and herself, she is still mentally in the A.

She is not remorseful, she is not transparent (won't discuss the conversation with OM as it is none of your business - REALLY???!!).

Read up on the 180, sir, she needs a cranial rectal extraction and seems uninterested in getting one. Detach, take care of you. She's still toxic.

Sorry....


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Gipper
Member
Member # 32232
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Louisville1,
You got a big problem with WW.
Strength, Brother.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2011
Ellejay
Member
Member # 30498
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

It absolutely amazes me the level of indignation the WS's show when the BS treads on what they feel is their domain. If she had kept her knickers on you would have no need to be hunting down OM in the first place

As much as you would like to see OM running scared, I would stay away if you can. Don't give the low-life coward any excuse to add more drama to your life than your WW has already created. The APs just secretly love all the attention. Remember they are pathetic.


EJ


Married 25 years now divorced.
D-Day: 20/11/10
Me: 48.5 plus 10% GST
Him: mental age 6 (apologies to all 6 year olds)
Betrayal: Who cares anymore?

Posts: 1094 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Adelaide, South Australia
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

she's acting victimized and says my hovering makes her feel like a prisoner.

She is still in the affair or wants to be. Period. Amen. Why else would she care about you looking at her stuff or knowing where she is? My husband can look at anything of mine and he always knows where I am or where I am going and I can do the same with him. The only people who feel like "prisoners" are people with something to hide and who are having trouble doing so.

Mad at you? You broke her trust?

She might need the hefty bag treatment to help clear her head.

"None of your business"...No way. You are her husband!

How did he call her? She needs to change her number. Immediately. Do you pay the bill? I'd change it for her, tonight.

180 hard.

You need to rip the rug out from under the little princess..."You broke my trust"...


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 519 | Registered: Apr 2009
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

You confronted, now take the high road. Don't do anything that could be interpreted incorrectly.

Your WW, thinks YOU broke her trust.....what blame shifting !

Reconciliation is certainly possible, if both parties are committed to the work.

Wishing you well


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
Louisville1
New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Lots to read and the support is nice. I'm not getting the support from her so it feels good to be validated. I've got a best friend I've kept in the dark and he knows something's up and has tried to get me out to talk. But it's embarrassing, painful and I just keep ducking him.
Got home this evening and after a talk with was basically me being made to be the problem I'm afraid it's not going to work out. She's using this to attack me.
She's laid the terms out that I'm not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.
Been sitting here mindlessly. I look forward and can't imagine a point in the future where I'm still not tore up over this. She's said she's afraid I'll never get past this and She may be right.
I've been puppy dogging after her since two days after dDay.
I was planning the anniversary to make up for botching them in the past, but I'm pretty certain no matter what I do or don't do it won't change things. Her being held accountable for the affair is like many things in our lives. I'm still held accountable for every mistake I've made but she's never been held to that standard. I love her so much, and have put her on such a pedestal for over twenty years that when I look back I look like a putz. And now the biggest betrayal I could ever imagine I'm still doing it and end up being the ass.
Not doing it. Going to try like hell to walk away. If she wants me in her life she has to show me.
I've got a 13 yo daughter. Her big sister married and moved out of state last year. Her big brother moved out and is in college preparing to move to Toronto.
A divorce is going to further alienate her so she has to be my number 1 priority now.
Fucking just sucks. Sorry.
Thank you all for listening, reading and replying. I'm sorry you all know what I'm going through but I'm glad to get your support.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

She''s laid the terms out that I''m not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.
Red flag. Transparency is paramount.

Go ahead and see an attorney asap. Protect your rights and plan on D. Don''t plan to move out or anything until after you talk to your lawyer.

Do the 180. Immediately. You need to detach for your own good.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3791 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Louisville1
New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)


Reading the post I missed while typing and the pattern of behavior of WS's is uncanny similar.
Lots of you pointing out what I know, but can't bear to face.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Louisville1
New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Can somebody post a link to 180 ?
I've looked but from my phone I may be missing it.
Thx

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Toodevoted
Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Sorry you're here, know too well the feeling of having to be accountable for every small mistake I make and every major fuck up he makes too.

Good luck with the 180

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
Louisville1
New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Wow regarding 180.
I'm doing the exact opposite...hence the obvious name of the behavior modification required.
Going to try my best, but may be too late.
Either way though I'll guess I'm better off.
Thank you for the link.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Going to try my best, but may be too late.

It's never too late to make yourself stronger.

Detach.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The 180 is for you. It is never too late to start making your own healing the focus.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3791 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Toodevoted
Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Going to try my best, but may be too late.
Either way though I'll guess I'm better off.

Never too late! I should have done it 4 years ago instead of rugsweeping, but started it a week ago and feel so much better about my future and my sanity for it


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2011
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry. Your wife is still in the affair. You have to get that to end, then she needs to emotionally detach from the A and then she needs to get on the right track to help you heal and fix her broken little self. Your light years away from being on the other side of that, sadly. Is there a SO on his end? If so, that helps jump start the end of the A. Otherwise I agree, 180 is your best bet.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2012
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Be the man you were when you confronted the POS that screwed your wife!

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and DEMAND that you be treated with the respect you deserve.

If she can't get with the program, kick her ass out. If the roles were reversed, there would be tons of posts on this thread advising "change the locks, hefty bag his shit, and leave it on the porch/lawn/garage".

Been here almost 6 years and it never fails - that is the advice given when blatant cake eating and disrepect is displayed by a wayward husband.

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Noturfan
New Member
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The A shit sandwich has the best of us thinking craziness. YOU didn't screw anything up. Again, SHE had the A. You have every right to behave as you did.

I'm confused. It's bad for a WS to break trust but that then gives the BS every right to break trust? That doesn't sound right.

In now way does a WS ever have the right to have the A, but how does double standards help achieve R?

I'm not criticising confronting the OM. Everyone deals with the fallout differently. I'm questioning the hypocritical mindset.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Everyone deals with the fallout differently. I'm questioning the hypocritical mindset.

You are wondering why the BS is being hypocritical?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I don't see it as hypocritical.

I see it as consequences.

What's the saying - Every action has an equal and opposite reaction?

Spouse vowed to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others. They broke that vow.

BS promised not to do anything. He broke a promise. No it wasn't "equal" but it wouldn't have been necessary had she behaved honorably.

Two wrongs don't make a right in any scenario but at least the scum that was confronted got to live and tell the tale.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 549 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Noturfan...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197724 | Registered: May 2002
Noturfan
New Member
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Thanks guys, sorry if my question seemed antagonistic. That wasn't my intention. Just trying to understand. Like I said, not criticising confronting the OM.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
mchercheur
Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

she or I would have been out of the house for suggesting that one damn thing between her and OM wasn't my business.

ditto. If she has any hope of R, you have a right to know everything. She ended your marriage by having the A. You are offering the gift of R---she has to earn it.

Unfortunately, I do know exactly how you feel.
And it went on for 5 months after Dday.
WH would not stop contact with OW until I went to a lawyer & made an appt. with a D mediator.
You really have to shock her out of the fog & show her crystal clear that you will not tolerate this treatment, & let her see what it will be like when you walk away.

You can't "nice" a wayward (who is still in the fog) back.
Forget the anniversary party---do you really feel like celebrating the day she took marriage vows to be faithful & loyal to you, forsaking all others. I am 2 yrs 8 mos out & I still don't feel like celebrating our wedding anniversary. Definitely cancel the party.
The only thing that will save your marriage now is if you walk away.

I would tell her to get out, today. Let her go find some other place to live, since she is not putting you first.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:52 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1389 | Registered: Dec 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Just trying to understand

You have a betrayed man who lied to his wayward wife to find out the name of the person she is having an affair with.

This information should be offered to him, he should not have to use tricks to get the truth from her. He deserves to know WHO has been having sex with his wife, IMO. No matter how he gets the information.

She has declared war. She is carrying on an affair, still foggy and lying to him about it. She then has the balls to toss the trust word around?

Please, she gets zero consideration while the BS is trying to put the pieces of his wife's affair together with no real help from her.Creating a timeline in between her lies. No remorse or true understanding of the bomb that has exploded in his life.

IMO she is lucky all he did was go check him out.

I would have tossed her ass on the curb.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
NoMorDeceit
Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

She's laid the terms out that I'm not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.

or what?? She leaves??

Get an attorney. She needs a reality check. On what alternative universe does she gets to set the terms after she cheated. No remorse at all. No respect for you at all.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 519 | Registered: Apr 2009
Nest2007
Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

inappropriate comment.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
HighSticked
New Member
Member # 41557
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I contacted OM too and it went all sideways with my WW. He called her immediately and broke the NC and my WW didn't tell me. Then turned it all around on me like it was my fault. Her blame shifting skills are finely tuned.


Madhatters
I broke her heart and spirit in Jan, 2010.
She broke my heart in Nov 2013.
DD - 16
DS - 14
DD - 12
DS - 8
Wanting to R but doubtful it will work

Posts: 43 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Western USA
StruckNumb
Member
Member # 38973
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like the affair is over. I definitely wouldn't hold an anniversary party but seek out MC and IC. She's justifying her actions in order to continue it. The OM is a total wuss but the issue is actually what is and is not happening between you and her. She is still in affair la la land. You need to 180 now. Think about you right now. You are important and mustn't get lost in her chaos.


me-BW-51
f?WH - 49
m27 yrs, T 28, no kids
OW-WH's former CW, friends + 20yr
DDay-11/16/12, LT EA, 4y? PA, manymany
EA with FFriends over the years
Attempting R
Is there an end to blindness in sight?

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: N.California
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I called OM twice on dday. At 2 am. A few days later, I asked XWW if he had the balls to talk to me. He did, and it was a funny conversation. He was gone after a month anyways.

Louisville, you got balls it seems like, so I think you'll be ok. The first steps to getting through this shit is the same whether you want to reconcile or not. In other words, don't put up with any bullshit.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 1:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

You need more than the 180. You need an attorney right now! It is time to start thinking about your needs and your future.

Anniversary party? Really?

Again, you need to start preparing yourself emotionally and financially for D (even if a D isn't the final outcome).

Good luck.


Posts: 321 | Registered: May 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Im confused. It's bad for a WS to break trust but that then gives the BS every right to break trust? That doesn't sound right. I'm questioning the hypocritical mindset.

Says I broke her trust, when I asked what he said she yelled none of my business

Noturfan, I was referring to this^^^. She was talking about him wanting to know what his wife’s private conversation was about with OM. He had every right to question her. She has no business having private conversations with any man other than her father, sons, brothers, or husband. I was also referring to his promise not to do anything to the other man. I took that as meaning that he wouldn’t beat the shit out of the OM. And, he didn’t. But, even if he had, I would never presume to judge another BS for their actions first time coming across the AP….I mean returning merchandise and happening to see the OM.
However, even if I had understood doing nothing to mean not even confronting the OM, well, you cannot hold a person to a promise made under duress. Even a court of law won’t take a signature or spoken word if the party is under duress. Hell, I can’t remember even 20 percent of the stuff I said on DD and the first few days after. I was in shock. I’m sure he was too.
His wife made a conscious decision to make friendly with this OM. She made a conscious decision to give him her number, to take his number, to text, to call, and then later to spread her legs and who knows what else. She was under no trauma, no duress. Yet, she wants to play on words and twist what his promise was to her and then compare the vow breaking. Whatthehelleva.
I hope this clears things up and gives better perspective.
No offense taken.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Louisville1,
It is time to hefty bag her crap. Be a gentlemen and hold the door open for her.... oh, and see that attorney ASAP.
She wants him, her loyalty is to him, let her have him. I promise, Unicorn fartland will crumble under reality.
Gagggg, I'm still reeling at his cowardice and his B... move to go running behind your wife's skirts and hide like a 2-year-old. Disgusting. She will come running back as soon as she wakes up.
NO woman wants a cowardly B....!
This crap can crush a brother's spirit.
Hang in there and know your self worth. Nobody deserves this WS BS.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2232 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Topic Posts: 47