SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Bittersweet memories
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

QS and I are scheduled for a marriage enrichment seminar in February. We're both really looking forward to it.

One of the directors called me a little while ago. She's organizing this trivia thing and asked for details on dating/proposal/engagement.

So, I started telling her the story. The memories are bittersweet. I've known QS literally my entire life. His family visited the first day I came home from the hospital. (No, we're not an arranged marriage) Dating QS was a blast. We thought we had the world by the tail. Our second date was to a Hunting Expo. We used to go to Ruby Tuesdays and split a chicken fingers plate. Our first kiss was while he was driving. I tease him about almost running a stop sign. He swears he had it under control. I was the first to say "I love you". His proposal was so incredibly non-romantic, but it's "our" story. We went to a "typical" destination for our honeymoon, yet still had fun.

It's bittersweet because the me now sees the me from then and it hurts my heart. While QS was/is my everything, I can see how I was using him to feed the broken me. I loved him the best way I could, as crooked and warped as that love was. I loved him to the best of my broken ability. People say, "Oh Honey, you're so young. Be thankful you've learned your lesson at this age." True. But I wasted 8 1/2 years of both of our lives. We can never get those years back. There is no starting over the right way. All we can do is start from now.

It's hard to look at those old memories as they used to be. Just a boy and a girl, in love, living life. It's not that simple anymore. I see a broken girl, taking advantage of a precious boy. Seeing the safety in him, and clinging to it like a leech.

I'm going to hug him extra tight tonight when he gets home and thank him for the opportunity to try again.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6265 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

It's bittersweet because the me now sees the me from then and it hurts my heart.

I feel this and so understand.

(((hugs))) we all need to heal in different ways Aubrie. I am thankful for the chance to make things better. Not perfect, but better.


I applaud you for your efforts and truly respect your journey.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 2:52 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I see a broken girl, taking advantage of a precious boy. Seeing the safety in him, and clinging to it like a leech.

I don't know all the back story that leads you to write those two lines that way Aubrie. You might be able to write them this way.

"I see a broken girl lucky to find a precious boy. Seeing the safety in him and blessed to have him give me shelter."

And, maybe it is just me, but those 8 and a half years were not wasted. My guess is you can think of a list of good things that came out of those years.

Reflection is a great thing. But don't go too far in diminishing the good while acknowledging the bad.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

My guess is that QS sees you in a somewhat different and better light.

My W's A colors lots of my early memories, too, and I don't have any good perspective on that, and early runs from 1965 to 2010 for me....

Our first date was magical (it was our 1st real date, but we had spent hours over coffee after class for months previously, if that makes sense), and it remains magical, but there are some other very early memories that were wonderful but are now very cloudy.

My W should be (and is, I believe) very grateful to me for offering R, but I offered it out of my own free will, for my reasons. If QS is in R because he chose R for himself, you've got a pretty good platform on which to build new, good memories.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I agree those years weren't wasted. I like how Warp Speed reframes your statements. Your memories are precious and they don't have to be colored by the choices you made. I can understand how they would seem bittersweet to you, though, with the knowledge you have now. You don't need to beat yourself up about this, Aubrie.

Some very fine members here told me recently that I need to forgive the younger me. That I was doing the best I could with the knowledge I had. I feel that is some good advice for you, too, Aubrie. (((Aubrie))) < Sammy, get me the colt.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9713 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

There is a bit to forgive and forget in our first 20 years together -- nothing too Jerry Springerish, and a lot of love and fun was had, but from the vantage point of now, of course I see how we could have been better.

But, I think it is important to see the good then, too. In fact, I had my H write a list of things that have always been good about us, because in the rubble after adultery, it is easy to see it as all bad. . . all leading up to the affair.
And you know, it just wasn't that way for us, and I doubt it was that way for many people.

We are all in one particular chapter of our unique relationship book. . . and if we are here, in R, hopefully most of us will have a much longer book. Try to be forgiving of yourself, and know that if you had truly known better, you would have done better.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2007 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I don't know all the back story that leads you to write those two lines that way Aubrie.
The short version is, the men of my life were abusive and predatory. QS was the opposite of everything I had been around previously. He was safe and stable. Something in me was crying out of that. He had somehow fallen for me, and I accepted what he had to offer.

He didn't have a snowball's chance by marrying me. I was trouble from the get-go. That is why I phased it the way I did.

Does that make anymore sense?

My guess is that QS sees you in a somewhat different and better light.
We were talking about this last night. Year 5, 6, 7, and 8 we were pretty much just co-existing. He had given up. He wouldn't leave the M, but he wasn't invested in it either. And I was completely lost in Unicorn Land. He drove home every day, wondering if I would be there when he arrived. Wondering if this would be the day I would walk out. It was a brutal few years.

Now is different. He said I've changed so much. He doesn't fear anymore. He knows I'm home. I'm present. I will be there no matter the hour he arrives from work.

Some very fine members here told me recently that I need to forgive the younger me.
I think is ultimately my biggest issue. Just cannot get to that point. Maybe if I can, I can look back on memories without that pang in my heart.

I had my H write a list of things that have always been good about us, because in the rubble after adultery, it is easy to see it as all bad. . . all leading up to the affair.
Interesting idea. Maybe I should try this.

Thanks for the feedback gang.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6265 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
WarpSpeed
Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The short version is, the men of my life were abusive and predatory. QS was the opposite of everything I had been around previously. He was safe and stable. Something in me was crying out of that. He had somehow fallen for me, and I accepted what he had to offer.

He didn't have a snowball's chance by marrying me. I was trouble from the get-go. That is why I phrased it the way I did.

Does that make anymore sense?

Yes, but.

I bolded the somehow in your reply. I don't know you other than reading your posts here on SI, but somehow I think you're downplaying what you brought to the relationship, even in your damaged state, that led QS to fall for you.

Embrace your growth and certainly have some sorrow for the bad. But, you can accept that there was some good there all along.

It sounds to me like your snowball has made it through hell, with maybe some of the damaged snowflakes melted away. It's a great story.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I don't know you other than reading your posts here on SI, but somehow I think you're downplaying what you brought to the relationship, even in your damaged state, that led QS to fall for you.
It's very difficult to look thru all the broken and see the positive. There wasn't very much at that point in time.

It sounds to me like your snowball has made it through hell, with maybe some of the damaged snowflakes melted away.
I'm saving this for later. It made me smile. One day I'll believe it 100%


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6265 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Great post Aubrie.

ETA:

But I wasted 8 1/2 years of both of our lives.
Respectfully, I disagree. Were you living the most authentic 'you' during that period?

Prolly not.

But I'm sure that you and QS made a ton of good memories during those 8 1/2 years...I mean, my wife and I will be together 8 years come June, and I don't think that any of the memories are particularly invalid. I know some BS don't take that approach, but I'm not going to let some shitty wayward-ey behaviors (even besides the affair) rob me (or us) of the joy I have associated with those memories. They were made in the joy of the moment, and they will remain that way.

[This message edited by FacePunched at 11:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 10