User Topic: Checking up on AP - does your spouse know?
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

For those that check up on AP through facebook or other media, does you spouse know you do? Mine does not. I started checking on OW because I am so anxious about seeing her somewhere around town, and she is a "check in" queen, so I look to see where she will be so I will not be there. However, she posts way more than just check-ins, and I've seen recently that she has a new guy. I don't think this one is married. Didn't think single men were her her type. I've also seen other cringe worthy posts about how great she is doing, blah, blah, blah. Makes me sick.

Anyway, sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R, so it feels I shouldn't have secrets, However, I don't want to give him any thoughts of her by bringing her up at all.

How do you all handle this?

Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I don't check up on them much but when I do I usually tell him. Mostly because I tend to get quite anxious and upset.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 28362
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I think I would have to tell or at least it open so he could "find out".

Secrets of any type related to an A is harmful to both the BS and the WS IMHO. I think with time you will probably be able to stop checking on her.

My MC said that by my looking her up I was the one keeping her in my M. I don't know if I agree with MC but I know when I stopped looking she bacame(AP)where she belonges-in the past.


Posts: 828 | Registered: Apr 2010
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

IMO after an affair if there is something you do to make you feel safe you feel you need to tell him? Completely up to you.

I told my H once right after dday, he actually said "why would you need to stalk her, she is nothing to you"

Fucking moron, at the time he hadn't had the surgery to remove his head from his ass yet.

excuse the language....

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

My WH knows I do. I try not to share details unless something she posts really upsets me.

The only reason I feel like I need to do this is because they still work together. Amazingly I feel safe with him (and by safe I mean I don't think there is any danger of him resuming the A with her) but I always worry about her. I think I'm kind of waiting for her to do something that will allow me to confront her. Probably not the healthiest reason but I'm not ready to stop.

Edited for clarification

[This message edited by AML04 at 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

For me this is a timing thing. Right after discovery when I truly did not give a rip, I owned my W nothing.

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets.

take care...

Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Member # 41690
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The OW deleted her FB account as soon as she found out I knew BUT her job has a site and they keep posting pictures of her. My H knows I do this but he doesn't realize how often I do it (like every day). I do it to feel safe and to make sure she's still at that job (which is in another town). The day I see pictures of her farewell party will make me very nervous because she may come back to our town...then again, if I see pictures of her getting married or being hauled off to prison, then I'll be very, very happy. I'm sure it will wear away eventually but right now, I need to know her whereabouts. I think that if you tell your H that you do it simply to feel reassured, he would understand.

Me: 42
Him: 49
DD: 12/2/2013
Married: 9 years but together for 15
Recovering, Reconciling, Rebuilding, Restoring

Posts: 123 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: New York
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Don't beat up yourself about checking. As time goes by, do it less often. I check but the ow has no life besides being a &$*+= so there is not much to see. Remember what people put on Facebook can be a farce. Hey I put how great my life was for the past year on it, little did I know.....I think with time the ow becomes less interesting. Good luck!

[This message edited by Katz13 at 2:14 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Good question -
I feel guilty doing it when I do check FB, and I do let H know - even though it is really embarrassing.

I don't think it keeps her in his mind. . . he is well "over it." It is more like gossip at this point. But should I do it? No. For some reason, it makes me feel safer sometimes, though. And this thread is triggering me hard to go do it!

me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.

Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

This is a big issue for me. I've been worried that I'm obsessing way too much. And of course, my fWH doesn't know how often I check.

But I recently read somewhere the dangers of the BS having an affair with the affair. That really got to me! The last thing I want is to mimic my husband's behavior of hiding an activity that I know takes time and energy away from our M. Now when I feel the urge to check up on her, I think of that phrase: having an affair with the affair.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

sometimes I feel guilty about having this secret from FWH because we are in R

Once I decided to R and really give it a shot...I think no secrets

OK, here is something that is not clear in my mind yet. I would welcome any explanation.

R is going a little bit better for us now , but, I still think about WH's A every day. (It did not help our R that he still works in the same building as OW, & that it took him 2 1/2 years to take his head out of the sand.
I don't verbalize that I still think about it every day to him tho.
I recently read a thread on here that said you can not keep swinging the affair hammer---you can't keep bringing it up, because that will hinder R. I have been trying not to bring it up that often.
It's been weeks and weeks since I have brought it up.
But it is still in my mind every day ( not all day, like at first, but I definitely think about it every day when he leaves for work, or when I realize it is WH's lunchtime [I caught them going out for lunch together]so now every day the thought comes into my mind "who is he having lunch with today?", or every time I pass OW's road, etc.)

So, if I am not supposed to have any secrets, do I keep that to myself or tell him?

together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
New Member
Member # 40694
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I do check on OW a lot. My H knows. The only thing he ever said was "why do you check?" That's a good question, really... I don't accomplish anything it just causes more anxiety and hurt.

" Having an affair with the affair"... this rings so true

wake me up when it's over...

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I am guilty of looking up OW very often. I know it can't be healthy but I am compulsed to do it from time to time. I would hate to hear if she was doing well though. I have not told WH each time I do this but occasionally I bring it up.

Married 8 years
ME BS 30
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

[This message edited by Lovedyoumore at 11:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I do check up on her. Yes, he knows. I keep tabs to make sure she stays on her side of the line, so to speak. She was a stalker type after DDay and I found covert ways to see what was going on with her. My H was not upset at me for looking. He is upset at himself for bringing crazy into our lives.

This, for me too. Almost verbatim. He knows I do it, but it really isn't a conversation topic unless something upsets me or some major change has happened (ie - she moved to a different neighborhood, got a job at a different restaurant, got married, etc). We all grew up together and so even if I didn't intentionally find out these things, I'd hear about them. Just too many people in common. Plus, she's crazy and has threatened us in the past - so I like to be able to predict when she's going to try to wriggle back into our life.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 40708
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I frequently check up on AP but my WH doesn't know how much I do it. In the six months since I uncovered the affair it has gone underground at least 4 times (might be more...I lose count). It's through checking up on her internet activity and reading between the lines, and also watching WH's behavior that has allowed me to uncover the affair on each occasion. It's only been a month since the last dday so I'm watching them both like a hawk...especially as she recently commented that she wants WH to dump me and marry her

Dday1 - June 2013 admits EA
Dday2 - June 2013 broken NC minutes after agreeing to reconciliation - only found out 3 weeks later
Dday3 - July 2013 broken NC
Dday4 - September 2013 broken NC
Dday5 - January 2014 broken NC admits PA

Posts: 49 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I haven't checked up in a long time. I don't tell him if I do. I blocked her from us on FB for our privacy and safety and my sanity. But if I check on her otherwise, I don't tell him.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:58 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Katz13 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you.

Posts: 35801 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I check daily and hate that I'm still giving her any of my headspace. She deleted her FB after Dday, but her professional profile is out there. As she was a co worker I constantly asking my H if anyone has mentioned her or seen her/been in touch with her but she seems to have dropped off the planet. It drives me crazy to think of her out there carrying on with her life (her SO doesn't know-god knows what she told him about why she had to leave her job!) and I'm sure she doesn't think about me at all.
I don't tell my H how often I google her name or check her Instagram (which she doesn't use) but he does know I think about her a lot.

Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
Member # 41323
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Kyrie, I read that somewhere too. Another one that stick in my mind is that both you and your WS need to be NC and by checking up on the AP you aren't NC. Struck a chord with me .

Him WH
Married 5yrs, together 8
DDay 1 18.07.13, 7month PA co-worker
DDay 2 29.09.2013 (continued EA, kissed once)
Working on R

Posts: 75 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: UK
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I did early on. I know more about the AP than my WH does. I even documented what I learned and saved it. I haven't told him any of the details because he's simply not interested. I lost the interest myself a while back; the AP isn't worth the time or effort any more.

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I lost the interest myself a while back;

I'm looking forward to the day I lose interest in checking on her...

I tell him probably half the time I find myself compulsively cyber-stalking her. Luckily the frequency has diminished in the past several months. I think he finds it frustrating that I do allow her to take up any of my energy, he says he never thinks about her anymore. We're not all so lucky I guess.

During a conversation once about how I have a habit of comparing my life to hers and feeling like I am losing (since she seemingly gets to move on with no consequences while a year later I'm still waking up with nightmares and constantly assuming my husband is lying to me...) we came up with a list of things to do to distract/take care of myself instead of spiral into self-destructive and obsessive thoughts. It has things like take a vitamin, work out, journal, learn something new, etc. They're little things but still helpful to have a plan.

I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Me - BS
Him - FWS, serial long term EAs

Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 31st (Friday)

I wouldn't say that I check up on her...but I do check WH FB account to make sure she remains "unfriended." I unfriended her on D-day only to check a few weeks later and see that they were "friends" again.. Again this was early on when the fog was really dense. I made him unfriend her and feel the need to check once in a while. Not much at all of her profile is public to non-friends so I can't see anything. She did send him a friend request a few weeks ago that I, of course stifled before he even saw it.

Also, she blocked me..I don't really understand why since we have NEVER had any contact. But whatever... I can live with that :)


Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are

Posts: 176 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 31st (Friday)

My fWH and I both agreed after dday to have no more secrets..

So in the spirit of that, I always told him if I checked on OW. But luckily for me that stopped a few months ago. I no longer feel the need to check.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:29 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Member # 25280
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Fortunately fo me the AP does not have facebook so I am limited in how much I can see-and this is good for me initally I would check in on her sisters facebook but she never had anything about OW on there -however the other day I went lurking on the internet and found her resume on an online website-I was able to see she has a new job, and has taken some time off-like 2 years from working. I don't tell WS about this-I feel too creepy and ashmaed I don't tell anyone.I always feel badly afterwards, why should I want to know anything about her-I wonder if there will ever cone a day I truly don't care.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2009
Topic Posts: 25