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User Topic: Mistake or Choice?
GotMyLifeBck2013
Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Seems like it's very easy for us betrayed spouses, a choice is ownership, a mistake is an excuse. Mistake is when you lock your keys in the car, drop the dinner plate, spill milk. Accidently tear your shirt, or hit the neighbor kid with a football when you're trying to throw it to your own kid. Those are mistakes. Choices are, buying a car, then not liking it. Not a mistake, a choice. Should have shopped better. Buying a house, then finding out the mortgage is too high. Guess peanut butter and jelly are your best option there, huh? Mistake? No. Your fault you didn't do the math.

Yet I hear a lot of people call cheating a mistake. I want some clarity on this. I've had 15 months to heal, and when I hear mistake, I see all the other things that make me scratch my head.

Would you rather hear:

"Tom made a mistake. He's depressed. His marriage didn't give him what he needed."

Or:

"Tom made a choice. He's addressing his issues. He knows that marriages can always be better, but he owns cheating 100%"

When I hear waywards say something similar to the 2nd, I hear ownership. When I hear the 1st, I hear more excuses.

What's your thoughts on this?


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

this might be a long thread!
Yep, it's a choice, for the reasons you explained.
Even if the WS was pursued, still a choice to engage.

I bet in many marriage both spouses werent getting what they needed yet the BS didn't cheat.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Yes my ex once said he made a mistake.

His bad choices that lasted for well over a year were not just one mistake.

Just like he said he never meant the A to happen.

Blah blah blah fucking blah....


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

A mistake is dropping your coffee mug. You didn't mean to do that.
Affairs are a CHOICE. Every single time you tell the BS that you're "working late", or skip little Timmy's game to go screw OW, you made a CHOICE, not a mistake.
You MEANT to lie, mislead, and deceive - ie you made a choice.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 3:13 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6518 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Raven96
Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Oh, my WH only made a "mistake." If I hear that one more time I think I might punch him in the throat. It was a $&!@$!& choice!!!!!!!


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

TOTAL CHOICE!!!! new exactly WTF he was doing or he would not of deleted all his texts! ASSH***!
I told him a mistake is getting a word wrong on a spelling bee! I hate hearing that word to and wish I could karate chop him to the throat like she does on identity theif!!!!!!! Would love to do that!(I wont but would love to.)


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
flup
Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

My fWW only said it was a mistake to me once... I turned so beet red and tried not to go into orbit. Sufficed to say, she hasn't made the 'mistake' of calling it a mistake ever again - around me, that is.


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I see what you're saying. The dictionary definition is:

mis·take
məˈstāk/
noun
noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes
1.
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

I think the term "mistake" still applies. No?


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I think the term "mistake" still applies. No?

Not in my house.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3844 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Choice, over and over.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Until it can be scientifically proven that my WXH's penis "accidently" fell into his AP's vaginas (and other orifices), he made CHOICES.

ETA: It's somewhat funny. He called his A's mistakes for years until I sent him a letter last year defining the difference between mistakes and choices (among other things I need to get off my chest).

He now gets that he made choices, albeit WAY too late.


AJ's MOM

[This message edited by ajsmom at 3:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Maybe it's a mistaken choice?

But yeah, the refusing to own the intentional wrongness of it was infuriating. I loved how my exWBF would suddenly start bringing up random old stuff as a distraction from his terrible choices--afterall, remember when I dismissed that short story that meant a lot to him? And why did I save all the new yorker magazines? And why did I keep bacon grease in the fridge? Why did I buy expensive sheets when he asked me to run a sheet-buying errand for him? ANYTHING to change the subject to how I was the one whose behavior merited discussion.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

To me, what you mentioned are accidents. Mistakes are wrong choices. Maybe it's just me.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
4better4worse
New Member
Member # 41736
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I say it is a CHOICE that is a big MISTAKE! That's the mistake is that they chose to make it. Is that circular logic? Really, nothing about cheating makes any sense!


BS- Me
WH - very brief EA with co-worker (phone and texting, mostly)
Married 22 years, together 24 years
DDay-- the worst day of my life 11/11/13
Working on R

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013
4everfaithful83
Member
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

An "accident" and a "mistake" are not the same thing...

As I said before, the definition of a mistake is "an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong."

Wouldn't an A be an action that is wrong??

no where in the definition does it state that it is unintentional or without malice. Unlike the definition for Accident:

"an event that happens by chance or that is without apparent or deliberate cause. "

Which obviously this couldn't apply to an A. Anyone who said that it was an accident is just stupid.

A mistake is still a choice.


Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 31
WBF: 27
Together 7 years
1 doggie
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...


Posts: 565 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

IMHO, with choice there is will behind it. In my case, my WXH made willful choices to get on planes and screw other women. These weren't mistakes.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
nick1234
Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

absolutely choice!! yeah I got for my waywardour marriage was in a bad place before the affair.I also got the I made the biggest mistake of my life.truth is our marriage was in a bad place but she made the choice to seek another man instead of dealing with our marriage in our problems. That is most definitel choice and not a mistake. she chose to tell all her problems and how unhappy she was to a man that she already knew with attracted to her, she chose to send this man naked pictures of her when he asked, she chose to set up times and places to have sex with this man. These are choices not mistakes.she chose to disrespect me and our family in our life together for this man that told her from the start he was married and only wanted sex from her thats a choice.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
Jovie
Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I can understand the anger/confusion around the choice of words, but I think sometimes the intention in those kinds of statements is that the choice was the mistake.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
dindy
Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The dictionary explanation of mistake and mistakes are still different to making a choice and choices.

If a person makes a mistake they usually learn from it and don't make that mistake again by making them mistakes. Often by making a mistake one feels bad about doing so.

If my ex made a mistake at first by engaging with OW then he would have learned from it.

He chose to keep making the same mistake over and over again.

That to me is not a mistake, or mistakes, but, a set of choices that made him feel good.


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
cl131716
Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

mis·take
məˈstāk/
noun
noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes
1.
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Choice is defined as
choice noun \ˈchȯis\

: the act of choosing : the act of picking or deciding between two or more possibilities

: the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities : the opportunity or power to make a decision

: a range of things that can be chosen


Therefore you choose to make a mistake when you are unfaithful. Like someone else said, a mistake is not the same as an accident. A mistake is a CHOICE, it just happens to be the wrong choice.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

In my own mind, an A is really a set of mistakes that add up to a giant mistake - but for me, the word 'mistake' doesn't carry much baggage with it.

If my W had said something like 'I just made a mistake', or 'Can't you forgive me for making this mistake', I'd have accused her of minimizing and avoiding responsibility.

I pretty much feel it's OK for a BS to use the term, if the BS is really calling the WS to account, but it's not OK for a WS to use it.

JMO, of course - but I've thought this for almost 3 years.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scarednbroken
Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

This is an interesting discussion on word choice. I agree. I think mistake and poor choices are similar.

As a teacher - I talk to my students about mistakes, good choices, and poor choices. (We don't use "bad" bc it's like using a red pen. - rolling my eyes)

I think a mistake carries the connotation that it was UNINTENTIONAL. And that is where the breakdown is in the discussion here. Yes a mistake is defined as an action that is misguided BUT social definition provides for a mistake to be less damning than making a bad choice. Like using not using a red pen saves the ego a little, takes away the bite. But before red pens were used as showing errors it was just a pen...

Mistake, bad choice, poor choice, whatever it is the wayward need to own that mistake, bad choice, poor choice and make retribution to the wronged. And take steps not to make that mistake, bad choice, poor choice again.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Mistake minimizes it. It was an intentional albeit poor choice.

My fWH has said both. He said it was a mistake that he made such a poor choice. But he has owned it.

I don't dwell on this anymore for us because he 'gets it' now.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

mis·take
məˈstāk/
noun
noun: mistake; plural noun: mistakes
1.
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.

Fits the act of murder too. It was just a mistake, I was cleaning it and it went off. Didn't mean to blow his damn head off, but shit happens.

ETA: Sometimes I hate the semantics game.

[This message edited by Tred at 5:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3999 | Registered: Dec 2011
RyeBread
Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Someone could CHOOSE to make a MISTAKE but why make that choice to begin with. Seems to me that an A is more of a revelation of character than anything. Tack on lies, manipulation, gaslighting, etc and I think it speaks for itself.


But.. if I am going to play the semantics game:

To me a mistake implies some sort of innocence or ignorance. I think the WS knows exactly what they are doing. Therefore, not a mistake.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I've come to reject the importance of intentionality in this.

The pain of being betrayed is awful whether an A is revenge in some way or not.

Besides, what WS hasn't said something like, 'I didn't mean to hurt you,' or 'I thought you didn't love me any more?'

Again, JMO.

On the use of these words, we're going to fall into at least 2 camps. Let's keep in mind that we mostly seem to like and respect each other.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10333 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Choosing to have an A is a choice, although my wh still calls it a mistake. It pisses me off when he calls it that. Like you said calling a choice is owning what you chose to do. You don't accidently have an A, you just don't, you made a choice to call/text the ap, you makea choice to see them. How can that me a accident?

That's at least where I'm at in all this. My wh chose some pretty pour choices for his life, but he didn't do them by accident!!! He knew what he was doing and did it anyway.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I've heard the "mistake" line multiple times. But she made a choice to make the same "mistake" over and over and over......

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 6:57 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

The problem isn't the word mistake in and of itself.

It is very common in our society to use the word "mistake" to mean "accident" or even things that aren't a big deal.

Ripping my pants is an accident.
Spilling my coffee is an accident.
Neither is a very big deal. Annoying, damaging- but in the grand scheme of things, not the end of the world.

I rear-end someone in the car-accident. Unintentional error. Accidental mistake. It can be very destructive and expensive- but it was something I didn't mean to do.

Mistakes can also be bad choices that were made intentionally. Losing my virginity in the back seat of a car was very much an intentional choice I made in high school- and a mistake I regretted doing afterwards.

An affair is indeed a mistake- one that is intentional, calculated, and a choice knowing that the consequences would be hurtful and negative. The choices to lie, trickle truth, continue speaking to the OP, continuing sleeping with the OP- all are choices, and all are mistakes.

The problem is that mistake is so often used to mean "accident" that when someone uses it about an affair- it does leave a sour taste in my mouth. When I hear my H say, "I made a mistake," what I end up hearing is: "this isn't my fault and I don't take responsibility. I don't recognize that cheating wasn't a one time error in judgement, but a series of inter-tangled webs of calculated lies and omissions, multiple betrayals, and the choice to disrespect me every single moment of every day for six months."

I prefer the word choice, because when I hear choice, at least I am NOT hearing "accident."


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
industriousbee
Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

sisoon, this has been on my mind lately. I am leaning towards choice.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I made a mistake when I was mislead after the EA DDay. I believed him.

He made a very corrupt, selfish choice to let the A go past our marital boundaries. No matter what the reasons, he made a choice every day.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Can we just say action? Whether it was a mistake or choice by the Merriam's definition, it was a deliberate action. It was intentional 100% of the time. No accidents. If someone wants to minimize by equating it with unintentional or accidental acts, then tell them it wasn't their "mistake" that is the reason for [insert how you are feeling here] it is the deliberate actions that they took that are the reason for [insert how you are feeling here].


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3999 | Registered: Dec 2011
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I hate when they say that they made a mistake... It just makes me so upset and angry.. Really sticking your dick in some sluts vagina is a mistake.. Right dude ... That was a decision.. A conscientious choice....


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
chetristezza
New Member
Member # 42233
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

"Mistake minimizes it.". I don't think so. I think mistakes can be far from minimal. Ask someone that lost a family member or suffered horribly from a doctor's "mistake", or a lawyers. People can lose their lives as well as their lively hood and careers from being on both the giving and receiving end.

How it's described by anyone else but someone who is harmed is meaningless. It is what it is and if my husband views his actions as mistakes is so irrelevant to me. The fact he did them is the only focus for me right now. I don't value anything that comes out of his mouth right now. Splitting hairs on meaning would just be pointless when it's all just shit.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 2:07 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I believe that our words can shape our thoughts. Saying exactly what you mean is important.

If you say a thing often enough, it shapes your attitudes. You might begin to believe your own BS(as in bovine excrement.) He chose daily to pursue something he knew would devastate me. It was purposeful, intentional, planned and calculated. He needs to name it for what it was, a choice where he weighed the pros and cons and my hurt was an acceptable "con."

Say it, own it, believe it.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 2:08 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I know this bs wanted to believe it was a mistake and not a choice. My answer is different now then it would have been on DD. I so wanted it to just be a mistake like ws said it was. I know better now. I would rather hear him say, I made the choice to cheat. That would be the honest response.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:58 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5125 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 4:24 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I chose to remain faithful.
My H chose to cheat.
My friends chose to betray me.
Unfortunately, my fwh made the mistake of not erasing some messages. Oops!
MOW made the mistake of thinking he was the kind of person who doesn't make those kind of mistakes. Double oops!

I feel pretty comfortable with my understanding of who owns what.



BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

As a WS I am very careful to always refer to my ONS/affair as a choice and never use the word mistake. I concur with most on this thread that words have meanings and I believe the word mistake is for something like putting and x in the wrong box on a math exam, not for the action I took.

I do that for my BW peace of mind and my piece of mind that I am aware of my behavior and I am not "forgetting" how I got there in the first place. It is part of healing I believe. Ownership.

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 6:16 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

For a little chuckle, I just put "piece" of mind when I should have put "peace"of mind.

Oooops, now that IS a mistake.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
2yrsblind
Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Oh how I agree with this. I never understood the "mistake" angle. WS woke up every morning looked the BS in the eyes and said I love you all the while ploting the days events that included banging their AP. Then they did it over and over again.

I stand firmly behind the thought that the only mistake made is thinking one could handle the guilt or being caught. The A, nah, that's no mistake.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Looking back, the word "mistake" gave me zero reassurance that my wife would not waver again. I needed to know why, and that the "why" was corrected. Incorrect beliefs lead to incorrect choices, not mistakes.



BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 776 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
shatter-ed
Member
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

My WH made a choice to cheat.

He did not 'mistakenly' lie to my face, that was his choice. He did not 'mistakenly' have sex with her, that was his choice. A very very bad one. For me the word mistake is not taking ownership of the choice to lie and cheat therefore not taking ownership of the A.

Each to their own but for me the word 'mistake' made my blood boil and it took quite a few heated discussions for him to get my point, and he has never used that word again.


BS (me)
WH
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
BeyondBreaking
Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Okay, along these lines- I. Hate. It. When my H says he made "a" mistake, or "a" choice.

All sorts of NOPE to that.

Every single time he e-mailed OW, that was a choice. A seperate, and individual stupid choice. Every minute he spent trolling the internet- all choices. He could have chosen at any moment to stop, but he didn't. Every single minute he spent was a wrong choice. Every single picture he sent. Every single minute he spent on the phone. Every single day for 6 months, until I found out. Every single time he yelled at me, blamed me, told me I was over-reacting. All choices, mistakes, whatever you want to call them. Every single time he trickle-truthed me, and every single day that passed that he didn't own up and tell me the truth.

Shit- when I was a kid, I broke my mom's lamp. Instead of coming clean right away- I buried it in the yard. When she found it, I was in trouble for breaking the lamp AND lying about it. Those were two "mistakes" or "choices" or "cons" or whatever word you like to use. It wasn't "a" anything. It was multiple.

When a WS makes the decision to cheat, it isn't a one second flash. It's an intertangled web of lies, deception, omissions, betrayal, repeted breaking of marriage vows, and utter disrespect. It's layers upon layers upon layers of this. Why do they think it is "a" mistake? Or "a" choice? It's thousands of choices, thousands of mistakes, thousands of cons. This is why I am particularly BAFFLED when I hear WS get frustrated that after a few months their BS is still hurt and upset.

When someone lies to you ONE time, it can take months to rebuild that trust. When someone lies to you every single day for an entire month- that is 30 lies. Plus whatever you did that you are lying about. When you look into WS- they carried on for years, months at a time. Sorry, but "a" mistake, or "a" choice just doesn't cut it. I want an apology for every single minute I was lied to. I want one for every e-mail sent, every picture, every single phone call. I want it recognized for what it is- a series, a saga, a million "mistakes." Not just one.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


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