User Topic: Passwords
New Member
Member # 42085
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I di scovered my husband's affair 1/1. He is remorseful and
we are in counseling. I have been honest and up front with what I want. Did anyone else experience delays in getting passwords? He did give me access to his cell account but that's not enough. In reconciling how
patient were you in getting passwords?

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: missy1
New Member
Member # 39536
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Zero patience. There's only one reason to delay.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

two choices


or hefty bags

The only reason to delay is so they can wipe things clean....

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 38341
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I'd question "remorseful". Delay does not equal remorse.

Hang in there.

Just call me Heart. :)
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything" ~Mark Twain

Posts: 379 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

After 27 days, you still don't have passwords? That's not remorseful... That's still hiding.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry for your pain. But I agree with the others. No passwords is a deal breaker.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 926 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I would wait approximately 30 seconds. Then change the locks.

Dday- 4/4/13
fwh- harrypotter
'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 330 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Ca
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

I would have waited to about the count of three. Then out the door he and his crap would have gone. There is no excuse to not hand over all passwords. He is still hiding and lying. That is not remorse.

Be strong. You are right to want them. Do not back down.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 524 | Registered: Apr 2009
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)

Anything but full transparency= hiding / lying. These ladies have all been there. Listen to them.
(( hugs)) stay strong.

Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I had all my fWHs passwords, and when I asked him one night, 8 months ago, if I would find anything on his computer/phone/etc that I would not appreciate, he said, "You have all my passwords, what do you want?"

Well, it turns out he was calling my bluff. I had always been slightly suspicious of SOMETHING, but I dug deeper after that statement. And found it.

I now have phone software, social media is out of his life, and the only computer he uses is for work, at work, with no real internet access.

I mention this because you have to know what you're looking for, or even to look, when you have the passwords.

So stalling/refusing to give you passwords? Yeah, not remorseful.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

After 27 days, you still don't have passwords? That's not remorseful... That's still hiding.

Couldn't agree more.

BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA

Posts: 408 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Did anyone else experience delays in getting passwords?

yes, and then he had another affair.

what karma said.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5062 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

what everyone else says times a thousand.

i didnt even have to ask for my WH passwords. He offered everything up immediately. facebook, personal email, all of it. changed his cell phone #. He gave me his work passwords, work email information, his work voice mail password, his log in stuff for all his work computers, shared his work calendar with me so i could see all his get the idea.

open. honest, transparent. everything. all the time. period.

anything less does not equal remorseful.

hugs to you

Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Tonight sit his rear end down, grab his cell phone, and tell him that you want his password(s) right now. If he hesitates, tell him password or door hitting him on the ass as he walks out. There''s only two reasons to not have provided it approx. 30 seconds after you asked for it the first time either he is still in an A or he has a lot of deleting to do.

No password no remorse. Regret about being caught, yes. Remorse, no.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4857 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

What is his reasoning for not wanting to give up the passwords? What is his reasoning for the delay?

I can only think of one reason- to give himself time to go through everything and hide/delete.

Alternatively, he could be setting up new accounts, and wants to delay so that he can forward old information and delete evidence of that.

What does MC say about his delay?

Give him two choices- passwords IMMEDIATELY or he can go ahead and move out.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 42085
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Thank you all for the feedback. MC says I need to be patient. She says he feels like he's being stripped of his manhood. My response was he created this disaster. If he was unhappy in the marriage he couldve left. There is no way I'm holding his hand guiding HIM through how to show me remorse and win my trust back!!!!! I am standing my ground for what I want

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: missy1
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

MC says I need to be patient. She says he feels like he's being stripped of his manhood.

I've been here 4 years. Of all the crappy advice I've heard of from MC this has got to be one of the worst.
What about your feelings? He had an affair and YOU need to be patient?

Stand your ground, fire MC, passwords or he gets kicked out. So many people here wish they put their bitch boots on right away, including me.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Posts: 5062 | Registered: Dec 2010
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Whoah. Maybe also time for a new MC?? If you asked calmly but firmly the first time I wouldn't wait. I never got passwords and it was because we WEREN'T TRULY IN R. I thought so, but then again I also thought we were in a M at one point, too.

This sounds harsh and I know you don't want to believe it because neither do I. But, if he won't be completely open with you then there is a problem. Get those passwords.

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

He needs to get over himself. You need those passwords to begin healing from his horrible betrayal. No more delays!!!

Madhatters, M 31 yrs
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.”
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

I am standing my ground for what I want

damn straight.

MC says I need to be patient. She says he feels like he's being stripped of his manhood

thats bullshit. time for a new MC. ugh.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
New Member
Member # 40386
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Yes, & then less then a year later I discover he's having another A. Wish I'd been more forceful in getting them all after the 1st one.

Me BW - 39
Him WH - 40
Together 12yrs

OW#1 Dday1 9/11 DDay2 11/12 Dday3 12/11
OW#2 Dday1 06/13 (praying for no more)
We are R & it seems to be going well.

Tough times don't last; tough people do

Posts: 9 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Australia
New Member
Member # 42273
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

OHMYWORD, couldn't agree more! Both that without passwords/full transparency, there is no reconciliation AND that that is horrible MC advice! You might want to find a new one. I would hate for your spirit to be trampled by a counselor at the same time that you're dealing with the trampling that the A has caused. It's too much! Find someone who you feel like hears you and can help you be heard. Good luck.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: GradSchoolGirl
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, January 31st (Friday)

MC says I need to be patient. She says he feels like he's being stripped of his manhood

Get a new MC.

So, giving you passwords strips him of his "manhood"?

Exactly what does he (and MC) think the A did to your "womanhood"????

Do not fall for this crap. A remorseful spouse willingly gives passwords. It is an opportunity to build trust.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1081 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Wow, not often do I read something on here that makes me feel surprised, or aghast. But seriously? He's been stripped of his manhood???!!!

I'm sorry he should have thought about that before his prick fell into a vagina that wasn't yours.

That is complete and total bullshit.

Not only do you demand passwords, but you protect yourself, you get a keylogger on his computer, a GPS on his vehicle and a VAR in his vehicle.

When he willing gives you the passwords, look for a hidden phone.

This man is not remorseful. He is hiding.
If he is unwilling to give the passwords then you file on Monday. Seriously.

Why does he get control? That is just messed up.

Oh and your MC fire her. She either is clueless or a Wayward herself.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8599 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, January 31st (Friday)

My husband delayed giving me passwords for several weeks too.

It's because he was lying and covering up. His EA was really multiple PAs (and a different EA or two thrown in for good measure).

A kinder scenario is that your husband is deleting stuff related to his confession bc he thinks it will be hurtful. That is also inappropriate. You get to decide which details you want, and that includes reading emails. My WH deleted a bunch of stuff early on, and it was really damaging to trust.

If he won't offer complete transparency, he's still in the wayward mindset, and that means reconciliation is impossible.

And I would totally fire that MC, and tell my husband where he could stick his "injured manhood." Especially given that "injured manhood" is an excuse guys use to cheat.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 2:07 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, January 31st (Friday)

My wh won't give me passwords ..well he didn't when I asked a while ago he was still seeing her I found out later.. wanna hear this ok ready.. he said he was felt violated when I caught him via looking at his phone. Omg really sometimes I can't believe that I'm trying reconciliation with him. I have not asked since because I'm in a fragile state and waiting for ic .

DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
Topic Posts: 26