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User Topic: Help, help! I think he abused my little girl!!
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

She was talking about another family member and the abuse (already reported) that he put her through. Then she mentioned his name too. What do I do? Obviously, the right thing is to call the police. Even though they could easily say she was disclosing about the other family member again. I don't think she was. Police, then. Is it the best thing? For my daughter? She was traumatised by an investigation to do with another family member when she was much smaller. She is afraid of the police. She is afraid of doctors. She is very easily embarrassed, very quick to anger and become incredibly distressed and babble. She is just as likely to clam up and go almost catatonic.... Which is the lesser of these two evils? I already have a traumatised child. Do I potentially add to this and seek someone who can get to the bottom of it and get the deserved justice, knowing all the while that she may not get it? Or do I let her know she's been heard by me and that she can choose to disclose further and clearly and to tell the police only if she wants, potentially letting that awful bastard get away with something awful but not causing her further emotional distress by forcing a disclosure she may not be ready to give? Help me! I'm second guessing myself into a right state here.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 7:59 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

No, you don't call the police. You call the pediatrician and tell them. You call the counselor and tell them. Let THEM call the police. You don't make any accusation. None. You take your precious baby girl to the pedi or the counselor and let THEM make the accusation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Yep. Straight to the pediatrician. TODAY. Make them fit her in.


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1703 | Registered: Aug 2013
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

OMG I'm horrified for you and your little girl.
Yes, what the others said, take her to the doctor, immediately.
Make an apt with a counselor as well!
I am so sorry.
(((Sorceress)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2180 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I can't do that, it's night time here, and paediatrician appointments here carry a waiting list and one to which you need to be referred by a GP- same with counsellors.

She has a school counsellor, can I use their services for this, do you think? I worry about confidentiality in their settings. I know that confidentiality isn't always the sacred code that it should be when sharing info with colleagues. I hear a lot of "don't repeat this, but...."

I just don't know how to handle this. Not again, really. Please, no more. How does this horror keep dragging us back in?? :(

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:00 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
BeHappyAgain
Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

I would think the pediatrician would make room for an appointment for a concern like this?? If not, I would be in to the general practitioner then ASAP.

Will be thinking of you and your little girl!


Posts: 95 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Then in the morning, call your GP''s office, tell the staff that you need a referral to a pediatrician ASAP and tell them why so they expedite it. Or go camp in their waiting room at the intake secretary''s desk if you need to, but get that referral. Your doctor''s office are mandated reporters too (at least in the US he is) so the minute that you tell staff, they should start jumping through hoops to get your daughter seen. I''d also see if I could find a councilor whose expertise is in sexual abuse and ask for a referral to them as well.

Do please talk to the school councilor. Tell them exactly what you told us that your daughter came to you and asked if she could tell you a secret. Ask them if they know of anyone that you can take her to see who has experience in sexual abuse. And make sure to let them know that the ONLY persons that you authorize them to talk to about this matter is the police or a professional conciliar for the sole purpose of referring your daughter for help because your daughter has been traumatized enough.

I am so damned sorry. Honestly, I have rarely wished for someone''s unpleasant and painful demise as much as I have that POS sperm donor that you were unfortunate enough to encounter.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

You need to dig deep and bury your fear. It's crippling you. You need to be angry. Really, really angry.

You need to be able to face your daughter in the future and tell her you did everything in your power to protect her and seek justice for her. If you don't act now and bring the full force of the law down on this bastard's head, you'll never forgive yourself. Further, you won't be able to look your daughter in the eye. You may not be able to face yourself in the mirror, either.

You call whoever, whatever doctor you need to call and tell them you need an emergency appointment. Tell them why. When speaking with the doctor you emphasize that you have not coerced your daughter, you have only had this conversation with her the one time and are now taking immediate action. If your doctor, whatever doctor, fluffs you off, then you need to contact whatever authority is in charge of protecting children in your area.

You're right. This is going to be a nightmare. Yes, your baby is going to be further traumatized. SHE'S ALREADY BEING TRAUMATIZED IN A MORE HORRIFIC WAY BY HER FATHER. There's nothing worse that's going to happen to her than what her father has already done. She is a little girl, she cannot understand what has to be done by you & others to keep her safe. Unless you intend to take her on the run & hide somewhere internationally, how else will you keep her safe unless you move forward with the doctors and the law?

YOU CANNOT SEND HER BACK TO BE WITH HER FATHER RIGHT NOW.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
jadedheart
Member
Member # 32046
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Oh honey!! I know you don't live in the US but if you have access to a hospital ER or something similar take her there and maybe they can help. I work in an ER and if a parent brings a child in for possible abuse of any kind we call the police to make a report, child services, and make referrals to a children's hospital for further treatment. Call any healthcare provider you can until someone helps you. In the US we are required by law as healthcare workers to report any suspected abuse no matter if it happened yesterday or 10 years ago. Don't give up until someone helps you. Your sweet baby girl and you will be in my heart.


Me 45
FWH 47
DS11, DD18, DS21(they know nothing about A)
Married 23 years together 25
Dday 09/24/2010
"You can't control how others behave, you can only control your reaction."

Posts: 980 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Indiana
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Thanks guys, and Nature Girl- there is no contact with him and has not been for a long time. He is a bad man. So she's carried this inside until she felt safe to release it. She is only in primary school. My poor little girl.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:01 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Go to the out of hours doc, or to A&E. It''s very important that you don''t talk to her anymore about this so you can''t be accused of teaching her what to say (if she brings it up, listen but don''t ask questions). You also need to write down,right now,exactly what she said and what you said. The docs know how to handle this and it needs to be them that call the police.

Sending you both lots of ((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - my friend 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - EA/PA - 'Fat Bottomed Girl'


Posts: 759 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Dreamland
Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

Oh my poor dear... Send peace and love to you and your precious Daughter. Just hold her and tell her you love her and thank her for sharing with you. Call the pediatrician and explain. I am sure they have procedures in place for this.
Good luck ...


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
UnexpectedSong
Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)

my daughter has a urinary issue and often needs changing and cleaning up-

Urinary issues are often caused by sexual abuse.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6075 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Urinary issues are often caused by sexual abuse[/quote
This stuck out to me too...I've heard this before

Can you take her to an ER if the ped won't take her in Tmoro?

Stay calm so your able to think clearly and so she doesn't get upset. Praying for you and your babies.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 1:31 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

You don't need to go directly to a paediatrician - your GP will do for a start. Phone, or go to the surgery first thing in the morning and stress that you need a same-day appointment. They are sure to reserve at least a few appointments, or have walk-in times, for urgent appointments - especially for children.

Don't take no for an answer. If they say there are no appointments left, tell them that your daughter needs an appointment today and ask what you should do. If they tell you that you'll have to come at the end of the surgery and simply wait, then tell them that's what you'll do, because your daughter has to be seen today. (I once did this in the US. I was told that if I absolutely had to, I could come in and just wait, perhaps a long time. But I was actually seen very quickly. I think they used the warning about the long wait as a way of weeding out the people whose need was less urgent than they claimed.)

I'm so sorry for your daughter's suffering and your own pain. :-(

[This message edited by Cally60 at 1:33 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 2088 | Registered: Mar 2009
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

This type of pain is unimaginable. But there isn't time for that right now.

Its time to show your daughter exactly how much you love her. You are on a mission. Whatever it takes, get her into whomever in you area can document the abuse.

Doctor, nurse, police, social worker. Whoever you need to.

Let her see that you believe her and that you will move mountains to act on what's told you. Rip down iron bars with you teeth if that's what t takes. Keep pushing. Tell them why your pushing. It wont be long until you find someone who'll realize this is more important than red tape and help.

I'm so sorry.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 6:21 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 611 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

(((Sorceress and daughter)))


Sorceress I was abused from the age of 5 till 16, I became a fearful, painfully shy, introverted, distrusting woman. According to IC I chose, subconciously, to marry a man that treated me the same way my abusers did. It was because I had already developed the coping abilities for that type of behaviour and could "cope" with being treated the way WH treated me, it was "normal". "Rather the devil you know than the one you don't eh??!!" When WH confessed to his A I immediately became very, very angry (to this day I have not shed that many tears but have been and still am very angry) and when I started IC they told me it was all the rage that had been building from the age of 5 that I had never expressed and dealt with that was tipped over by the A.

I had to finally face my demons and replace these coping abilities with healthier ones. I have changed so much that I sometimes scare myself but it took 40 years and WH's A to finally accept that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT! My parents never knew of the abuse and as such I never got therapy for it until I started IC for the A and pre / post A marital abuse and they referred me to a psychotherapist to deal with the abuse. So 2 lots of therapists. There are many side issues that stemmed from my abuse as well, morbid obesity, fear of success, wanting to be invisible, agoraphobia, claustrophobia, OCD behaviours in certain areas of my life, fear of loss of control, fear and distaste of sex yet wanting it, suppression of passion in all areas of life, I am highly intelligent but was terrified of it because it might make me stand out, I am really pretty but dressed ugly and got very fat and found other ways to detract from it...this is just the tip of the iceberg though and it is hard and terrifying work to break 40 yr old habits that were put in place to keep me safe and in control of myself and my environment. WH's A ripped all this away from me and now I have to face them ALL, tough thing to do at 45.

Gently as I can...Please, please see a GP / Child Psychologist so that you daughter can start therapy now or she will more than likely, based on the trend I see on SI and in my personal life, become a member of SI in the future. I can tell you right now that your fear you are feeling now is just a drop of what is going on and will be going on with your D in the future. With tears in my eyes...please don't rugsweep this!!!

ETA: I wet my bed until I was 16 just to keep me safe at night, I remained a virgin until I was 30 as I was absolutely terrified of ANY form of physical or emotional intimacy. If any adult male(other than my dad, I was safe with him) stood too close to me I would physically ache and start cold sweating. To this day I struggle with being touched by anyone other than my kids. I started sucking my thumb (still do when very stressed) and got lost in books just to shut the human race out. Too much noise and activity and I start becoming anxious and irritable and have a desperate need to escape. I have learnt over the years to suppress all these reactions or I would never have been able to finish school, start working, make friends, get married and have kids.

[This message edited by TheTooGoodWife at 6:50 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Sorceress,

If I read your post correctly, your DD is no longer in physical danger. She hasn't had any contact at all for 18 months, right? It took her this long before she felt comfortable saying something. Is that correct?

Please get her an appointment to start working with a child psycologist and get her examined by a GP and/or a pediatrician but I do not see the need to bust down all doors to do it in the next 10 seconds. Make the appointment. If they can get you in today then great. If it is in the next week, try to push a little to get her in but don't panic if they can't or won't. The reason I am saying this is that your little girl is scared and embarrased now. If you take her someplace so she can talk to someone to get help she needs to understand how this is good for her. I worry that if you push too hard and let her hear the emotion in your voice that it might traumatize her further. It is important that you move forward with getting her treatment but after this much time an extra day or two so that she is comfortable with moving forward is critical I think.

I know I am not saying this right and I do apologize for that. I just know that sometimes how we as adults react/respond can cuase as much emoton as the original issue. I know your daughter was afraid to tell you this. I just hope that she isn't further rattled by suddenly seeing all these experts who are treating something that happened over a year ago as a immediate emergency.

I am so sorry that she went through all this and that you are having to deal with it.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3333 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I agree with gahurts, now that I know that your ex hasn't seen your daughter in 18 months and won't be seeing her again, this is not the emergency situation I thought it was based on your original post.

I do still think you need to contact your pediatrician and get a referral to a counselor. I do still think this needs to be addressed with the counselor ASAP, that she needs professional help to process this. I do still think that ultimately this needs to be reported to the authorities and your ex held accountable.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9307 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

(((((Sorceress)))) TheTooGoodWife is spot on. I completely understand your fear but for your daughters sake you must rise above it. You have gotten great advice here.

After my divorce my 6 year old daughter began acting strangely. She was suddenly bed wetting, sucking her thumb and went from being a sweet little girl to a bully in school. Because my twin sister was sexually abused by my much older brother from age 8 to 12, I could see the signs in my daughter. So I told my ex that we needed to get her into counseling immediately. We did take her and after the first session the counselor was convince it was sexual abuse. A school teacher also suspected it.

My ex went nuts. The logical assumption for who would have done anything to her was OWs oldest son, who had just had a DCFS investigation for suspicion of sexually abusing his own little sister, who was a couple years younger than my daughter. Because of this I was labeled the paranoid ex-wife who was trying to destroy my ex and OWs new family. He refused to let her go to anymore counseling sessions.

My daughter finally told me about it and who it was when she was 18. It was her grandfather. And he swore if she told she'd never see grandma again, whom she loved dearly. She only told me then because her grandma had passed away and the secret didn't matter anymore. I watched my daughter self destruct over those years and into her 20s. I so wish I had fought harder to keep her in counseling. I carry that regret with me everyday. Take the good advice you've gotten here and avoid what I live with. You won't be sorry.


Posts: 280 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Sorceress, I remember your story.

I know you want to further protect your little girl, but please heed the stories of those who have experienced sexual abuse (themselves or a loved one). I so often hear stories of abuse victims, that they told someone, and then nothing happened. Nobody helped them. In many ways that pain is just as great as the original abuse.

Your daughter is telling you because she needs someone to help her deal with all this. If you don't seek a way to help her, she will always remember that you did nothing. The issue at this point is not contact with her father (although I hope you will ensure that does not happen), but helping her find tools to deal with the fact that this happened to her, so that she will not continue to be victimized by it in her mind for the rest of her life. The TooGood Wife tells that story so eloquently.

Does the school counselor already know about the abuse by her half brother? It sounds like maybe a specialized counselor with expertise in this area may be in order.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Has she had any counseling outside of your school counselor at all (back when she was 2)?

I had to take my DS for a sex-abuse exam at that age. The Ped was very good at speaking to me first (before he confirmed or ruled out abuse) on what roads we would take if he had been abused. He made sure I was assured of the great impacts a good counselor would have to if DS had been touched (he hadn't).

Yuo are dealing with a DD that already had verified abuse at two; did they do anything back then to help her deal with it all?

IDK how it works in the UK, but I would definitely do an appointment with a GP (he can refer to a specialized if needed) and get her into a program with someone who specializes in this.

You can help her now - they are use to dealing with victim's defense tactics (shutting down, anger, etc). Please seek it out for her.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2010 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I definitely don't want to rug sweep but I am afraid the authorities will. I had a very bad breakup with him andI feel like he will claim I am being malicious for revenge and they will say "that's plausible and we have no evidence- nothing to proceed with."

I believe her but I am scared that she will not be believed because of the person that he and his family will make me out to be. I was not a victim in their eyes, I was an annoyance and out of order for even speaking out against their golden boy when he hurt me. They are like demons walking this earth, and they live so close.

I want to just grab my kids and my partner and curl up in a cocoon where we can all be warm and safe. This man infects our life with his filth. Always. I just want him to die. And I had a gut feeling, when started thinking about my daughters intense rage outbursts and her other problems- little things she said about "bad secrets" and stuff that always turned out to be something of nothing, almost like she's reconsidered. I put 2 and 2 together, got 4 and got very scared for her. I wanted to ask her very directly, but I waited to be told for certain. I would never prompt an abuse confession, it's inadmissible if you lead them with questions, I know this.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:07 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

And yes, she had a counsellor aged 3.

It was only when we broke up and I went through all his stuff that I realised he had not taken so much as an hour out of his Internet porn and inappropriate chat time every week to take his daughter to counselling while I went out and earnt the money he was too lazy and selfish to provide. Obviously I thought he was caring for the children at home, not neglecting their emotional needs and closing himself in a room with a PC, leaving them alone for hours at a time. Aged 1 and 3. No wonder they used to cling to me so fiercely when I came home.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
TheTooGoodWife
Member
Member # 35973
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

Sorceress I see you are in the UK. Go see your GP. They will refer you to the appropriate medical authorities. I.M.E the NHS does not take sexual abuse of any sort very lightly especially with children.


Me-BW-46
WH-43
M-13 yrs together 15 yrs, 2 DS 11 & 8
D-Day 20 May '12 WH confessed, PA 4 months 06/2008-10/2008 cOW
His A says nothing about me but everything about him

Posts: 239 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: UK
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

I want to just grab my kids and my partner and curl up in a cocoon where we can all be warm and safe.

This may seem like a good option to you right now, but this IS rugsweeping. You won't be warm and safe, your daughter may have been abused and she obviously remembers it. She needs counseling and her abuser needs to be faced.

Who cares that anyone thinks you are hysterical? If anyone harms our children, as mothers (or fathers) we do become hysterical.

I'd rather be called a liar and a nervous Nelly by making sure my child was cared for and her abuses were heard than be concerned about people who don't seem to like me anyway (aka, your ex-inlaws!)

Honestly, who cares what they think?

You and your family need help, support and counseling. Please seek that out.


Posts: 726 | Registered: Sep 2010
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

You may think you are protecting your daughter by not putting her through this now. But later in life she will be angry at you if you don't take steps to get this reported. Her reasoning will be that she told you and you did nothing, because she's too little to understand your fears about what she might go through.

Even if his family tries to convince others that she is lying and you are lying it doesn't matter. What is paramount is that you believed her. If you do nothing with this confession, she's eventually going to think you didn't believe her.

To this day my sister hates my mother. My mother learned my brother was abusing her and she chose to protect him by doing nothing about it.


Posts: 280 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Of course I won't ignore it. Nor will I simply let it slide. But she only just told me a little bit right now and it still needs to be clear- if I go in all guns blazing and call all the authorities, my extremely emotional daughter may well consider this a consequence of telling me things and will neer do so again. It's scary enough to go through a sex abuse investigation as a parent of a child, absolutely terrifying and I have no illusions that it is much much worse for a child. This is part of my job, which is also why I am hesitant to march straight in, because I have seen how infrequently these sickos actually get prosecuted for the harm they do to innocent little ones. The child is emotionally scarred from the abuse, from the feelings of being betrayed and of betraying by telling, from the pressure and fear generated during the investigation and then by their worst secret being picked over by professionals and then dropped as if they were lying or that what happened to them wasn't really that bad. I know it's a risk I have to take with her and heaven forgive me for wanting to give her a bit of time cuddled up with her mummy before this madness begins.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
k9lover1
Member
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

I get that she is in no immediate danger.

1. Who gives a rats a** what your former in-laws think or say - they are irrelevant;
2. Call your GP and explain that you need to have her seen by a pediatrician;
3. You will need help with how to approach her, talk to her, etc. Along the way you need to get her a counselor that she can talk to - someone that knows how to go about this and make sure the child understands that they did nothing wrong and that telling was the right thing to do.

This animal has to be stopped - how many other small children are being abused by him.

If you stay calm and dont get ballistic, she will hopefully follow suit. Explain calmly that it is important that you take her to a doctor so that he can make sure she is ok.

I understand that you are concerned she will think she caused a shit storm, so don't let it be a shit storm, let it be a rational, calm investigation into the matter.

If his family gets wind of it, don't talk to them.


D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8091 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Sorceress, I am a card carrying member of people who can "what if" themselves out of doing something critical to my mental and physical well being. We can tell our own.

Try to quiet the part of your mind that is writing how you think this is going to go. You're not actually going to know until you get there.

You can save your daughter's life, or you can hide. Those are the two paths before you.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Get to that doctor. Get to that counselor. Responses be damned - now is the time to act.

You can do it. You love your daughter too much to trap her in this emotional hell for the rest of her life.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16435 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Honey, I''m confident that you will do your very best for your darling little girl. He doesn''t have access to her now, and you do have some time to make sure that she''s not scarred any further by your reactions. It would be good to get that referral from your GP so that it''s ready to go. How about you getting a referral to a sexual abuse IC and going in to talk with that person first, so you can tell them about your daughter, what''s happened, her reactions, and get some guidance as how to lead her, as gently as possible, to getting the help that she needs? if you can do this in a calm, matter of fact way, and all of the adults that will be involved with getting her help can do so as well, then perhaps you can make this intervention as low-key as possible. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

She told me much clearer when in an emotional state a few days back and there is no doubt or confusion over what she meant. She was very angry, very upset and very sure. i reported to children's services and the police yesterday and they're coming out to see me and my baby today.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:11 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Just want to send hugs and strength. This is such a terrible situation. I can only imagine what your going through and the thought is horrible.

(((Sorceress)))


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 611 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

(((Sorceress)))

Trust me you have done the right thing for your daughter.

The one person she feels she can trust right now... is you.

She told you and you believed her. Regardless of whatever happens now she will ALWAYS remember that fact. "I told and my mommy was there for me."

I hope the police take this seriously- I feel they will look at this more seriously because he IS a convicted sex offender.

And screw his family if they don't believe you or your DD.

FWIW- you'd have had to be pretty persistent and pretty clued up to ''put an idea'' like this into a 6 year old's head so stop worrying they will think that.

It is easy for trained practitioners to see when a child has been groomed to say what an adult wants them to say.

You need to stay calm and focussed as she is going to have to tell this big secret to strangers and she needs to know that never, ever will her confessing this change your love for her.

I am sorry yo are going through this but I am glaad that you have done the right thing by standing side by side with your DD and in calling the authorities.

(((HUGE HUGS to you and your DD)))


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you- I am just waiting for a phonecall now that says they have a female officer available to come and speak to my little girl. Because she was so traumatised before, they feel that she needs to be handled very sensitively indeed, and that this cannot take place without me being present. Which is good.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:12 AM, February 21st (Friday)]


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Sending strength and healing to you and your baby girl.

Stay strong.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7021 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Thank you for the update. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Just wanted to add my support and prayers for healing.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1780 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
Sorceress
Member
Member # 33420
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'm waiting in the police station while they interview my baby. She became quite anxious and started babbling and getting quite "high" if you know what I mean- she was clearly nervous and I wonder what they're getting out of her- apparently I couldn't be present because she told me first which makes me a witness.


me- BSo 30, happily in new relationship
him-ex wso 40, child sex offender
DD-6 DS-4
I look for the good and admirable in every soul. The people that seem to be neither are terrifying.

Posts: 510 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: UK
MrsDoubtfire
Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

The best thing you can do is be there for her if any new admissions come to light but try not to push her for information.

Leave her disclosures in the hands of the professionals as they are trained to get as much information out of her as they can.

She might be clingy when she comes out so you need to hug her lots and be there for her BUT try to maintain a routine if you have one.

She has enough on her plate without her routine being altered too (she might want to start sleeping in your bed for instance etc or not want to go to bed at a set time etc)

You are her rock and her ally and your feeling of helplessness and upset will soon turn to anger and thoughts of revenge but you need to try nd stay as calm as possible.

If needs be you might even need some IC to held you with her disclosure.

ETA: I am not trying to teach you or them how to suck eggs btw. It's just that helping sexual abuse survivors and thrivers as well as dealing with perpetrators of it used to be my profession... but it burned me out.

I always try to offer what limited knowledge I have if I feel it will help.


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now becomeć

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'm thinking of you and standing with you!

I can't imagine how terrifying this is for both of you.

Be strong.

(((Hugs)))


Me: BS 44
Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat
Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
Heading for Divorce
3 kids: 15,17,19

Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart, wait for The Lord.


Posts: 1703 | Registered: Aug 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I hope that you can feel all of our arms around you, during this horrible, indescribable time. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

You're doing the right thing, Sorc.
I'm glad that the police are treating you both with respect and taking your concerns seriously.

Regardless of how this turns out, your DD will remember that you believed her and that you took action.

{{{hugs}}}


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Sparkle0504
Member
Member # 40379
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

I'm with Gonnabe on that one.

I'm in the UK too and the police take a bit of a knocking from time to time, but when it comes to something like this, they know what they're doing and your little girl is in safe hands.

(((Thinking of you and your little family)))


Me 44 (BS)
Him 52 (SAWH)
DDay (too many to mention), but 1st 06/2011
Children - two, mine from my previous marriage
Final straw 6/6/14

You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think (A A Milne)


Posts: 190 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: England
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

Sorceress, the people who do these types of interviews are a special breed. They,re pros who take a lot of training and have a lot of experiences interpreting what kids say and what they don't say. Have confidence. You'll know more soon.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 611 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

((((((Sorceress & DD))))))))

Sending both of you strength & hugs...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4962 | Registered: May 2007
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)

((((Sorceress & DD))))


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24437 | Registered: Aug 2011
megs56
Member
Member # 40791
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

((((Sorceress & DD))))

Thinking of both of you


Me: BGF - 29
Him: WBF - 32

I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.

Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Sacramento, Ca
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

((((Sorceress & DD))))

Sending strength your way.

((((Sorceress & DD))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)

Your doing what is best for your little one. She will remember your wanting to protect her.

Take care my dear. Strength and hugs to you both.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Topic Posts: 49