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Reconciliation
User Topic: Having a really hard time
KatyDo
Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

The waves of grief keep crashing over me. When life stops being so busy I guess I have time to feel the impact although D day was 10 months ago. I feel my husband has made his mother (we provide care for her in her home as she has dementia) and any other woman going - the priority. He talks about the importance of caring for family but I don't feel that hasn't included me. Anyway I feel nearly overwhelmed by grief. How do you get through it? He says he wants to be a better man and is in counseling - but it just doesn't seem like enough. On top of it all I'm sick with a cold and feeling forsaken. Any advice?


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 188 | Registered: Nov 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

its normal, dont beat yourself up. at 10 months out, i would be ok one minute, then in despair the next. sometimes it lasted for days before i could snap out of it.

sadly, you cant make someone change their ways. they have to want to do it. if you feel like what he is doing isnt enough, then you have to express that to him and talk it out. maybe it might help you to make a list of all the positive things he is doing to make you feel better. then make a list of what he still needs to do for you. really think about your needs, what you need him to do for you. write it down. then talk about that list with him. my WH and i did that, and it helped.

if your WH isnt making you a priority...then YOU need to make YOU a priority. Do things for yourself. Take up a new hobby. work out. take a cooking class or something like that. go get a massage or a pedicure. buy a groupon for something ridiculous that you would not normally do and go do it. You have to work on you. you are worth it, you deserve it, and you need to treasure yourself. When you feel forsaken, turn to yourself, because you always have you.

hugs to you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

KatyDo, I'm so sorry. I hear and feel your pain. There's no way through except through, right? You're strong and you can do it. Are you guys in MC? I think your H needs to really "get" that you need to be first priority. Perhaps an MC could help with that.
He sounds like a bit of a KISA, my H had that, especially with his mom but with women in general. His mom's health isn't an issue but it still took a lot for him to step back and see how his behaviour and choices regarding extended family (putting them first) was affecting me and our M.

Keep talking, communicating how you feel is critical.

And strength...


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 889 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 30th (Thursday)

(((KatyDo)))

I understand your pain. And as the other poster said, it takes time to heal.

Please tell him how you feel. See how he reacts. If he is truly remorseful and wants to the do the hard work to help you heal, he will try harder.

I have a side story to share with you. Last week, I saw my IC (my FWH and I saw this IC individually and as a MC back in 2007-2009) - I still see her on occasion as she also serves as a life coach to me. Anyway, FWH had SERIOUS boundary issues and he was a KISA to the max. "Save the damsel in distress." OW #2 was the worst as she was my friend too (my profile gives details). Anyway, last week, my IC says to me, "...I'm glad to hear that you and FWH are doing well...I take it he hasn't picked up any strays!" I had to laugh because that's just what it was like!

Hugs....


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 30 years 9/2/13
2 grown daughters-30 & 26
5yo GS & 18 mo. GD & GB #4 due 8/14(DD30) and 2yo GD(DD26). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 4968 | Registered: May 2007
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Grief was my primary response, too. I think recovery requires processing the feelings of grief, anger, and fear, and it takes way longer than anyone wants it to take. It'll just take longer if you can give it only 5 minutes a day than if you can give it 2 hours.

Many ICs have techniques to help you process your feelings. Are you in IC?

Giving care to a person with dementia is especially draining, even if it's the only demand on your energy. What sort of help do you have? Can you hire some people or draft other family members to give you more help?

Are you and your H talking? Have you told him you don't feel like you're being treated as a family member? How has he responded?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
KatyDo
Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone. It is so hard but I'm glad to know my reaction isn't unique. About my feeling that I'm less important than others in the "family" I have said I believe our marriage should be the foundation - the primary partnership from which everything else springs. He has agreed to that. We also have structured help with the caregiving. I find myself less willing to be involved in her care when I'm feeling grief stricken so I guess he will have to figure out what to do with that. Especially now I'm sick.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 188 | Registered: Nov 2013
Crushed15Feb13
Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

((KatyDo))

A nice cup of hot tea and honey, a banket and a comfortable chair for the cold. Drinks lots of water. Some people swear Emergent-C speeds recovery time.

I like the advice too, to make yourself your priority. I have found over the last few days, that Yoga class really makes me feel better. And I've hard terrible affair news recently, and I'm almost a complete beginner at Yoga. But I really do feel better after a class.

I'm even going to try meditation.

Sending hope and comfort....


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 187 | Registered: Mar 2013
creativecat
Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

((KatyDo))

Definitely brainstorm ways that would make you feel more of a priority. It is difficult to ask someone to do things for you, I know. It's more difficult than just asking for help with something. It's kind of like telling someone what you want them to buy you for your birthday!

But that's what we need to do when we are feeling forsaken, left out, left behind, neglected. He may be overwhelmed with his care for his mother, and his own processing of the A, and need to be reminded to be intentional about the healing of your M, which includes making each other the priority in life.

Maybe find some little ways that he can start...like texting you when he gets to work & at lunchtime, or bringing dinner home one night a week so you don't have to cook, or leaving you a note in the bathroom/kitchen/your car to brighten your day.

And definitely take care of yourself while you're sick! Give yourself an "all about you" day sometime soon, even if that means you just take a longer hot shower than usual, or buy yourself a favorite coffee while you're out, take a long walk, or sneak a nap into your schedule.


Posts: 87 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 8