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Reconciliation
User Topic: Unrealistic expectations or still in the fog? WS input welcome.
SAR681
Member
Member # 36285
Evil  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

A few weeks ago we had a few scary conversations teetering on the brink of separation. Anyway, it really seemed that fwh made a break through. From that point forward, he was able to admit that there were internal issues to address vs his A being a product of solely external factors. And restarted IC and (per the counselor) was an active participant, which he was not prior.

Two weeks ago fwh confessed to me that although he had no plans to follow through, he had feelings that he wanted to contact OW. I brought my concerns here and you guys put things in perspective. He happened to have an IC appt the next day. His homework was to write a letter to her and to read it aloud at his next appt (which was yesterday).

I didn't know about this exercise until he came bounding home from counseling yesterday, excited to share his letter with me. He said that he knew one part would be hard for me to hear, but overall he thought it would be good for me to hear.

Nearly the entire thing cut me like a knife. I know he was disappointed in my reaction. I did tell him that I appreciated him opening up to me. And he did have a paragraph talking about how I stood by him at his worst, even when I wasn't sure that we'd make it. He also talked about his vision of our future together.

But I couldn't get past a few things he included. He opened it with something along the lines of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.". And then he ended it with something like "although I don't hate you and I'm not angry with you, I hope I never see you again.

He argued that the first paragraph was past tense. I don't see it that way. He talks about how he knows that the person he knew
wasn't real - that it was all fantasy. But, his letter doesn't sound like that. It sounds to me that he still has feelings for her, but doesn't plan on acting on it because I will leave.

I've always said that I don't want him to remain NC with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her. Is that unreasonable? I'm currently fighting the urge to give up and flee. Is he still in the fog? We didn't have too much time to discuss the letter last night before he needed to leave for work, so I expect another conversation today and I'm just looking for some outside perspective.


BW – Me, 32 FWH - Him, 33
Married 9 years, together for 14
3 Kids: 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 18 months
MOW - my "friend"
DD#1 – July 2012, admitted to an EA
DD#2 – 1/14/13, finally admitted to PA

http://endureevolve.blogspot.com/


Posts: 122 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Somewhere in Middle America
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

I've always said that I don't want him to remain NC with her because I'm requiring it, but because he sees her for who she is and doesn't want to contact her. Is that unreasonable?

He will get there. It sounds like he still hasn't fully seen her for the homewrecker that she is.

That first line.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

of "I've missed you and there hasn't been a day that has gone by that I haven't thought about you.".

If I was in recovery and my husband wrote this to the OW I would leave. He's way in the fog!! And how did the IC think this would be a good idea???


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 48
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will. You will forgive and remember."


Posts: 4529 | Registered: Dec 2010
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

Yeah... I just read your blog. How could he possibly NOT see her for the whore that she is? Still foggy. It's been a year.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

At least indifference would be a healthy thing to feel IMO, not "I missed you" after a whole year.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 152 | Registered: Nov 2013
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 30th (Thursday)

I would have a really, really hard time with that letter being read to me. "I used to miss you," now that''s past tense. "I''ve missed you" is sorta like seeing someone come off of an airplane, running up to them and giving them a big hug while whispering "I''ve missed you" in their ear. And that ending?

Sorry. That doesn''t say remorseful to me. It sounds like a fond, fond memory.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
creativecat
Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

If he's still having feelings about wanting to contact the OW, and writing things like that in a letter, he's gotta still be foggy. Glad he's transparent, but he sure doesn't "get it" in terms of why those things are not good?

Are you in MC? Maybe you could bring this "exercise" up at an appointment, and have an objective 3rd party explain to him what it sounds like? And you can state your feelings about NC and have the C back you up?


Posts: 87 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 7