SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Way Too Fast???
Crashtestdummy
Member
Member # 26121
Question  Posted: 5:41 AM, January 31st (Friday)

It has been a really long time since I posted on SI.

So... I just met a woman who is amazing and I am smitten, but I am wondering if it is happening too quick.

Background:
I was divorced about 2 years ago. Since then I did the OLD thing for awhile. Unlike some of the stories I read here (Some funny, some not) all of my dates were pretty good. In fact, I did date 2 woman for an extended period of time, but could not bring myself to take the next step into intimacy. So.. in September I decided to take a break from all of the dating scene. I did not think I was ever going to feel like I wanted to share my life, time or heart with anyone. Also, isn't wasn't fair to the women I dated and who wanted more out of the relationship than just conversation, dinner, movies or dancing.

Come November, I realized that I was turning into a hermit and finding I liked it too much... Ratty T-shirts and pajama pants are fine once in a while but should not become common wear all weekend long. I knew I needed to get out and be more social so I joined a social network. This was great! I felt like I had my cake and could eat it too. Go out in a group and have fun without any expectations or commitments.

Fast-forward:
Two weeks ago I was at one of these social functions and I see this one new women. Mind you, there were many other women at these functions and many had shown interest in me in the past. With this woman it was different... I had an instant connection. Surprising because other than a few words, we did not really interact much during the event. Weird... I had never had an instant connection in the past; even with my XW. I may have liked someone, but never felt drawn to them as I was immediately drawn to her.

A couple of days later I sent her an e-mail saying it was nice to meet her and I would welcome an opportunity to have dinner and talk. To my pleasant surprise, she accepted. Last Saturday we met for dinner and had a great time. Lots of talking and laughter. We ended up closing the place down. What is more surprising I asked to see her the very next day and she accepted. I never do that! I am shy and reserved and usually wait a week or so before seeing someone again.

Next day, another incredible time even with seeing a movie that was not really appropriate for a second date. I was really embarrassed, but we both laughed about it. Since then I have talked with her numerous times and have texted back and forth multiple times during the days. We have plans to get together tonight.

So here are the challenges and my concerns:
- I think I am falling way too fast for her.
- I have been freewheeling with the complements and I am afraid I will push/overwhelm her away by being seen as needy. I am not a needy person, but she has awoken in me something that I thought was dead. Right now she seems to enjoy it.
- She is planning to move in the near future. It is very likely it will be out of state. If so, a LTR would be extremely difficult. Again I feel like I am falling for her and her leaving would be very painful
- We share some of the same relationship backgrounds. Both had NPD cheating spouses. I fear that while we both may have moved on from that, there is still scar tissue left behind that could cause issues in any relationship that develops.

She is an amazing women. She is attractive both inside and outside. Elegant, but sexy at the same time. Super smart (Smart is Sexy!!!) and extremely talented. I doubt I will meet anyone like her again. All of this has me kind of messed up. My head is saying that this could be bad, but my heart is saying pedal to the metal.

All indications from her is that she really likes me too. But, I think she may be feeling the same way I do.

Sorry for the long post... I am not sure if I need advice or just a place to vent my thoughts and emotions. If you do have any advice, please respond :-)


BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
Dawnie
Member
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, January 31st (Friday)

I think you are over analyzing and need to just enjoy this... she sounds amazing and you are obviously smitten with her... JUST ENJOY IT and see where it goes... for all you know she could be "the one"... just dont make her "the one" that got away...


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 31st (Friday)

You feel like this after two dates? I'm just trying to clarify…you've "known" her for less than 2 weeks?

I think infatuation is a powerful thing, but if you are already thinking about relocating for someone you've gone on two dates with…slow it down a little.

Nothing wrong with liking someone, but we all know what happens when you rush into something with your heart and forget to bring your head with you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4157 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
CallMeRed1
Member
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 31st (Friday)

I think you should enjoy this new friendship for what it is. Worrying about the future at this stage creates problems that don't exist in this new situation, try to leave the past in the past (I know that is easier said than done) and enjoy the time you spend with this person without thinking too much. I think that is the only way you can tell if it has real potential.

Mostly, be happy.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, January 31st (Friday)

Just take this one day at a time and let this grow. Don't think too far ahead into the future. Plans change when the situation calls for it, and the situation now does not call for it.

If all goes well after tonight, just be honest with her and tell her that it has been a while since you have been able to really enjoy someone's company like you have with her, and that you look forward to spend more time with her. Odds are, she will tell you the same thing. If not, don't take it personal. She just may not be at the same pace as you. Keep smiling and keep it positive.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you!


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 524 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, January 31st (Friday)

I love a smart guy! Makes me swoonnnnnnn. So I get what you are saying.

I am in a similar situation now as you are. We discussed it and decided to see where this goes. Worse case it is a good friendship due to our strong connection...best case it turns into a best friends first then relationship.

I vote you give it more time. Finding someone that feels like they "fit" is very rare. Don't get so overwhelmed with the "what-ifs" down the line that you miss a good opporunity now.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2139 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SoHappyNow
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 31st (Friday)

I met my late husband about 2 weeks after the previous H and I decided to divorce. Terrible timing!!!! Late H had been separated from his wife for 6 years at the time. It was a pretty good marriage and lasted 20 years until he died. Infidelity prevented it from being a great marriage from start to finish, but I loved him with all my heart.

Current fiance (we'll marry 2/14), was my late H's best friend. And a good friend to me. My late H asked him to look after me after he died. He told me he "had feelings" for me less than 2 months after my late H died from the cancer that he battled for 26 months.

My timing is, obviously, not my strong point.

But, you know, I somehow manage to muddle through. I have successfully been juggling grief and joy inside the same heart for almost a year now. I like the carpe diem philosophy, and don't have many fearful moments. It works for me. Your mileage may vary. I just wanted to post one point of view to your thread that is the opposite of cautious.

Good luck!!!


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus

***Used to be hit-by-a-train***
Remarried 2/14/14


Posts: 2294 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
Crashtestdummy
Member
Member # 26121
Happy  Posted: 12:52 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Hi all,
Thank you for the advice. I just returned from a very nice date. I am going to take this one day at a time. She is an amazing woman. I really do like her, but I am taking the advice and approaching this as fun and not getting balled up in the emotions and uncertainty. I am glad I met her. We are going to get together again tomorrow night and also on Sunday for the Superbowl. It is nice to feel something for someone else again. I didn't know how much I missed it



BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
justjim
Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I envy you, Brother.

For the most part, I am still in the "ratty T-shirt and pajama pants" mode.

I am spending time with a lady friend who is still as wounded as I am, but we're keeping it at friendship and mutual support for now. Both of us enjoying being able to go someplace and not feel alone in a room full of people.

We'll see where it goes. She really likes my motorcycle, and I REALLY like have her on it with me.

Where I am going with this is: Sometimes when I am alone and lonely, I go into a "panic mode" and feel like I need to speed things up. I had mentioned it in the menz forum and got a very, very wise reply by PM. I was reminded that I have a huge void in my life and my desire to fill that void for my own selfish reasons would be "using" my friend, which would be grossly unfair to her.

In my situation, I am planning to just take it one day at a time and let nature take it's course in it's own time.

I wish you all the best!


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Crashtestdummy
Member
Member # 26121
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Hey Just Jim

It sounds like you are doing just fine. The thing with the lady friend seems to be working fine and I completely understand you liking a lady behind uou on a machine.

For me being alone was not the same as being lonely. I was fine being alone; actually too fine being alone. It was getting pretty bad when I realized I would rather sit home with a beer, pizza watching episodes of Gold Rush on a Friday night.

I am glad I started going out again.

Right now I am waiting on takeout to bring over to the pretty ladies house. Funny, I don't miss watching gold rush on tv right now.


BH-Me 51
XWW-her.... 54
2 Wonderful Sons: 32 & 21
D-Day: 09/22/09
Married 20 years
Divorce Final: 08/12 Enjoying Life!

"I Don't Suffer From Insanity, I Rather Enjoy It". Serge A Storms


Posts: 82 | Registered: Nov 2009
Topic Posts: 10