SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: Those Nagging Feelings
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 31st (Friday)

What do you do about those nagging feelings that could either be something significant (gut instinct) or may just be paranoia (I've been lied to all along, how do I know I'm not being lied to now)? The one on my mind today is whether there really is NC with AP. H has told me that there was "love" between the two of them (gag), which he now feels was just part of the A fog, and that OW was asking H to leave me for her, that they'd be so good together, and all that disgusting crap. H swears up and down that he doesn't want anything to do with OW, that she hasn't tried to contact him, that he'd tell me immediately if she did, is transparent with me re his phone and email and social networking sites (which he's not been posting to since bc he doesn't want me to worry). H had called her and told her that it was over and that he didn't love her. She got angry and cried.

That said, it's hard for me to believe that she just stopped contacting him. H has told me that she was VERY persistent and text message records indicate this to be true--most conversations appear to have started with her. Even when he said they should stop seeing each other, that he felt guilty, she said she felt guilty too , but she never stopped. So my question is--why now? Why did she stop contacting him? Was it bc my H wasn't convincing before? That his words and actions weren't matching? Or maybe she/he didn't really stop.

I've asked my H about this and he says there has been NC and that's how he wants it. But it's hard for me to wrap my head around it. If I thought I "loved" someone, as she said she did, and I'm a really persistent person, would I give up that easily?

I feel like this is probably not a healthy line of thinking, but I can't seem to shake it. My gut told me that something was going on between the two of them but I didn't listen to it until it was too late, and I'm just afraid I'm ignoring my gut again... So confused!


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 550 | Registered: Jan 2014
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, January 31st (Friday)

No advice. But I get where you are completely.

How can a white hot LOVE disappear so suddenly? I dunno. And I kinda doubt I would understand any explanation.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 31st (Friday)

I know what you mean. By EAP's emails, I thought she was sure to be a bunny boiler... and she did do stuff without breaking NC (well, two extraneous fishing emails and a month of hang up calls on the home phone in the beginning) Her goodreads page was filled with romance novels about loving married men... her blog was seemingly obsessed with my WH for a year... and about a year and a half in, she posted a picture of my house (from google street view) to her flickr. The caption; "My new house, can't wait to move in!" WH got nothing else from her... almost everything was for my benefit.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, January 31st (Friday)

Whoa:
and about a year and a half in, she posted a picture of my house (from google street view) to her flickr. The caption; "My new house, can't wait to move in!"

Yikes.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 550 | Registered: Jan 2014
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, January 31st (Friday)

Ok - oops - was going to name call steadfast, but won't. Whew, she's something else!

The reason the white hot LOVE can disappear is because it is a fantasy. Like Santa Claus. Often, telling the BS is like hearing the truth about Santa -- at first you don't want to believe your "love" wasn't real, but then you start looking at reality, and looking at things as they are, instead of as you wished them to be. So, yes - he could be telling the truth. My feeling is that OW do hold on longer because they have to build up more of a justification system for what they are doing. They don't compartmentalize as well as men, and thus are usually slower to let go.

So, I'd watch her like a hawk.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:38 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 5