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Reconciliation
User Topic: Excuses versus reasons
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, January 31st (Friday)

In attempting R, I still struggle with the "why" of why it happened. He is doing everything right, except he doesn't know why for sure, other than he was lost, we were having issues, he thought it would make him feel better, and he thought we were breaking up. I call crap on all that and say those are excuses! I told him to dig deep and figure it out. I am to the point where he needs to figure that out or I will be done! I honestly want to give him 24 hours to come up with a valid reason or I'm gone. Is that drastic or stupid? I just need him to look at himself closer to figure it out, but I truly need that or it's my dealbreaker.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, January 31st (Friday)

My fWH took around 8 months to get to the bottom of why he cheated. And we spent a lot of time talking about this together.

He may need more time to figure this out? Many figure this out thru counselling or reading books and doing the work...

It's pretty common for them to come up with excuses like you mention. He needs to dig deeper.

I cut my fWH some slack and allowed time because we didn't do counselling. Also I figured he was broken and had poor coping skills so I expected missteps along the way.

Some people do learn from cheating that they aren't cut out for it and will never do it again. I'm fairly confident my fWH is one of these so I decided to move forward with him.

[This message edited by whattheh at 6:24 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 545 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Kyrie
Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, January 31st (Friday)

My fWH has been seeing an IC for over 18 months and we both believe that has made all the difference. He wanted to know why just as badly as I did. So it helps that he was motivated. But I don't believe he would have ever gotten beyond his excuses, gotten deeper, had it not been for the the expert care he received from his IC.

The fact that he had an A is proof that there is something lacking within. If my fWH had all the tools and greater self understanding prior to the A that he has now, I doubt seriously if he would have had an A.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Thank you! We are enjoying each other again, but we were blissful after his ONS before I knew after he'd figured out he wanted us and only us to make it. My problem is that I feel that I cannot go on with R until he figures this out. It is my deal breaker! Don't know why, but it is.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

What's your H doing to figure out his 'why'? He can't do it on his own, IMO - he needs to talk it out with someone who will hear and help sort out all the convoluted feeling and thinking that goes on in one's head.

Also, I suggest that you emphasize change instead of understanding his why. Who cares if he knows why he cheated but just uses the knowledge to cheat better next time?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10066 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Thanks; he is using better coping skills and reading the healing library as well as other literature. He acknowledges that he needs better skills at dealing and that it was wrong. He knew that instantly and, honestly, I saw a better man back then right after that, but he never admitted it to me. We got married then this past year. It's almost like he changed for the better and figured out that he couldn't be like that, but forgot to tell me. Therefore, I am dealing as though it was recent. I want more changes in that I need to know why; I just need that. I don't think I will go on with him if I don't get that.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I hear you loud and clear....you've just got to hear why HE, that person, did THAT, as a way of coping, or as a way of entertaining himself. I feel similarly.
It does however, seem that alot of other things seem to be in place for you to rebuild. I happen to agree strongly that IC is the easier road to finding out why. Will he do that for you?
I know that I feel that if we knew WHY, then it would be less likely to occur again. My WH admits what he did. He recognizes that it was his choice; his choice alone. He is sorrowful that he made that choice.
Some days though I wonder: would any *why* satisfy me?


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 462 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I feel like the "why" is my huge line-in-the-sand. I have to know or else. He is doing everything right, but it is truly that important to me. About the time this happened when we were having issues, I remember we had a conversation that if either of us cheated, we would be done; it was a deal breaker! Then, two weeks later, he did. WTH? He says he was broken, lost, thought we were heading towards being done. I just have to know why because I know that I told him I wanted to fight for us during that time, but he gave up. The other day, he told a friend of ours that is supportive (the only person that knows about this happening) that we were staying together and happy. I corrected him and said that he lost my heart, and we'll see if he can regain it. Maybe we're not on the same page. I don't know.

He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that. I told him the exact opposite; it may make him stronger! He will do it if I demand it, but he should want to do it.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I feel like the "why" is my huge line-in-the-sand. I have to know or else. He is doing everything right, but it is truly that important to me. About the time this happened when we were having issues, I remember we had a conversation that if either of us cheated, we would be done; it was a deal breaker! Then, two weeks later, he did. WTH? He says he was broken, lost, thought we were heading towards being done. I just have to know why because I know that I told him I wanted to fight for us during that time, but he gave up. The other day, he told a friend of ours that is supportive (the only person that knows about this happening) that we were staying together and happy. I corrected him and said that he lost my heart, and we'll see if he can regain it. Maybe we're not on the same page. I don't know.

He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that. I told him the exact opposite; it may make him stronger! He will do it if I demand it, but he should want to do it. Instead, he does read self-help online and such.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

sorry....double post. Oops


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Deena, IC was MY need - my dealbreaker. Get into IC and figure this out or leave. He made an appointment later that day. That was approx. 12 months ago. He is still in IC and I have asked him for his "whys" and I now believe he is in the position to provide. His behavior demonstrates a great understanding of "owning it" and he has stepped up - not just between us but in all aspects in his life (kids, work, home).

Gently...I believe you are putting the cart before the horse asking him to provide the WHY in 24 hours or else we are done. He needs IC. Reading alone won't cut it. It's a great addition but he won't get that same....push to greater understanding as he will in IC.

And there is no question - he will be better - stronger - whatever term you want to use - for it.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:40 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

BTW Deena, there is a thread on the WS forum right now called, Questions about IC started by Cornbread that you and your H might want to look at. You will not be able to comment on it bc there is a STOP sign there but you can read it.

There is great input from fWS about the benefits of IC.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I'm concerned that you insist on knowing his reasons. It sounds like you're expecting something specific from him, and that comes from you.

But you need honesty from him, and he most likely experiences life differently from you - he may not have any way of telling you about his internal processes in language that you can understand.

An analogy: when we listen to music, I listen to melody and dynamics and pace; my W listens primarily to rhythm and pitch.

We hear the same piece of music in different ways. I can't predict how she'll respond to a piece before she tells me, because my sense of pitch and rhythm are much weaker than hers.

My bet is that you won't get much from his telling you why he cheated.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10066 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

I need it though. Maybe I think I will learn s


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Hot post too soon...maybe I think I will learn something new to heal or maybe I am just looking for closure. I don't know. I feel strongly that the longer I go without his answering this, the more likely we won't be in the same house next week.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

DENNA04,

I call bullcrap on this:
<<<<He hasn't done IC yet. He comes from the type of family and background that makes him think he is weak for doing that.>>>>

I've read your other posts....
I find it concerning that your WH didn't come to you and "confess" out of guilt.
YOU CAUGHT HIM....
And I'm not sure I believe "his story" about him not completing the "act"...him getting nauseous...leaving and being so, so upset.
My opinion: If this is really what happened, and how he reacted so physically and emotionally: Why didn't he come to you and talk things out?
Something just seems "OFF" about his story.
So maybe this is one reason he doesn't want to talk to a counselor/therapist - he may have to FESS UP and tell you the truth.
But, I'm merely speculating because "his story" simply does not ring true to me.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 3:43 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6118 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

When I said he comes from that type of family, I mean that he feels like he can't go because his family is not supportive. I have drilled him repeatedly about it, and the emails I found (he was unaware of me finding them til I called him out) support his story. She was asking him to "just try it again" and he said no; he didn't want to lose us. The emails ended right after that day almost two years ago. He has been ill frequently since then and when I asked him why he didn't tell me, he told me a combination of "I wanted to, but didn't know how" and "I didn't want you to leave me and knew you would". The second one I believe because I have made that clearer than anything. He is willing to do both MC and IC, but doesn't want to. He is willing, though. He answers my questions and has been supportive as I go from hot to cold. He now realizes that I may stay and I may go...he is now terrified of that. Thanks for your input; we shouldn't have to do this, but it means a lot to me to know I am not alone. :)


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
chetristezza
New Member
Member # 42233
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Maybe I'm kind of an odd "man" out here. I think it's very possible to do something and never really know why. Why that one time you went left when you've been going right for so many years. In fact you hear it all the time with positive things that end well.

I think the differences between excuses and reasons can depend on who is on which end. The giver or receiver.

I don't care why. I just care why not do it again.

I also don't buy the "broken" deal too much. Relationships are just loaded with unhealthy people. Some cheat, some do other fucked up shit. I hope most just want to get healthy themselves. Healthy attracts heathy and won't tolerate anything else.


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jan 2014
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

He just had a breakdown and said he really thinks he was very confused and made horrible choices. He also said he knew right away it was the most horrible thing he could have done! His story has not changed one word since DDay. He had been cheated on before and said it was his response to dealing as it had happened to him. So, I get to pay the price for past wife's mistakes?? Great!

Side note...I went to mass this morning and our church is offering a "Building Better Marriages" seminar that addresses healthy marriages and how to help through conflict. Has anyone done these or thought of it? I feel like I am almost excited to give it a shot. I told my husband and he said that it may be something worth a shot and wants to go. It meets once a week for two hours at night through May. You can go as often or as little as you choose. There are topics addressed and outlined each week, which we have the schedule for. Just wondering if anyone else has done this with or in exchange for MC? Downside...my brother and sister-in-law are one the host couples in it and we have not told anyone about this A. Ugh!


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 958 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 19