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User Topic: You were right guys...Boy admitting that SUcks!!!
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 31st (Friday)

Well, guys, you were right about I should have crept like a snail where Jay was concerned. I tried to but somehow got attached to him anyway... Freakin kills me to have to admit that by the way...

He poofed. He just up and freakin poofed on me. We went from talking almost daily to him coming home on rotation and us going out last Friday night and having a great time. I get a text the next day to the effect of stuff is happening with his kids and we need to talk and he'd call me on his way to cert school on Sunday. And I reply sure, knowing that he was in cert school the next three days but feeling confident that as always, he'd call, since he said he would. Then NADA. Zilch. Haven't heard from him since Saturday morning when I got the whole we need to talk text.

Which washed all over me. I have never, EVER had a positive conversation that began with 'we need to talk' first of all. And second, one of my pet peeves is if you say you're gonna do something, then do it. Actions matching words is a huge thing for me given what I've been through. And, it's just common courtesy if nothing else. I waited until Thursday morning then texted him. No response.

So, I'm done. Basically emailed him tonight and said while I don't expect to be placed above his kids AT ALL, and that I hope they're okay, I do expect the common courtesy of not being left in the dark indefinitely....especially since he told me on our date that he was 'falling in love with me'....What? You're gonna say that and the very next day tell me 'we need to talk' and then poof? What a dink.

Moral of the story in summary form - My 'picker' is definitely still broken; however, the silver lining if there is one is that it only took about a month to realize hey, I'm not cool with X and Y going on, continuing this is not good self-care, and moving on.

NEWBIES - LISTEN to the elders - Even if like me you don't wanna hear it. They've BTDT and are trying to help you. I didn't listen, and I got hurt...

FIRMLY back on the 12-month plan!

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 11:23 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Was this the "good morning beautiful" texty guy who distracted you from the 12-month hiatus?

Sorry you're going through that now, it's sucky.

The love-bombing did seem to be a bit much right off the bat.

((Phoenix))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

I'm sorry. That does suck. What an ass.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7643 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

Yes, Faith, same guy... :(

Thought he was different. SOOOO not any different than the other dinks I've somehow managed to collect over the years!


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

(((Hugs)))

What is you 12 month plan?


Posts: 485 | Registered: Jun 2012
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

The 12-month plan was I wasn't going to even entertain the idea of dating so I could focus on healing and making me a better me. This experience derailed that plan -and also highlighted WHY the plan was a good idea that should not have been deviated from!

The thing that gets me is - All he had to do was follow through a little bit. Just call and talk to me and tell me what's going on. That's it. Simple to do. You've changed your mind? Fine, it happens. It might have hurt to hear but at least I'd know, you know? The way I'm wired I'd rather hear bad news than just be left in the dark wondering WTF.

But he couldn't be bothered I guess.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
phmh
Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, February 1st (Saturday)

(((Phoenix)))

Don't be too hard on yourself -- almost no one listens, thinking their experience will be different. I think it's a human-wiring thing. Be proud that you realized what's going on and will come out stronger having learned this lesson.

He is almost certainly going to contact you and use pretty words to explain what happened. Perhaps he'll claim that he was overcome by his emotions of falling in love with you that he retreated for a bit. Or maybe he'll have some excuse with his kids as to why he couldn't spare 5 seconds during the week to send a quick text. Just something to think about so you can figure out how you want to react (or not -- I'd go crickets on this fishing attempt.)

I'm sorry you're hurting. Just remind yourself that after what you've survived, you know you'll get through this as well.

(((Phoenix)))


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3351 | Registered: Dec 2011
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

(((Phoenix)))

Sorry you have to experience this. I'm not sure it really means your picker is broken, just that people with problems can show up anywhere, acting any way, and say all the "right" things, and still be people with problems.

Many of us have been where you are, having to admit that it was too soon, which I suppose is the thing that qualifies us to be the "wise" ones.

Enjoy the next 12 months of focusing on fabulous you!


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3128 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

((((Phoenix)))) Sorry, honey. Back on the horse, and this time? Buckle yourself in for safety.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25305 | Registered: Aug 2011
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

(((Phoenix)))

You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes. I think he has behaved appallingly and anyone who could act like that is no friend.

I'm on the one-year plan and since no one has asked me out it is proving easy to stick to. But t is helpful to learn that there are good reasons for avoiding even close male friendships.

I'm sorry this happened to you. He's a jerk but sadly they are not obligated to have that tattooed on their foreheads.


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

Help guys... Help me..... I'm sitting here in tears...I need to get stuff done for my class and I m crying so hard I almost can't see keyboard..

Why couldn't he just follow through? I don't understand it, I just don't. And he knew what I've been through. He knew it. I shared it.

It's all I can do not to built the walls around me ten times bigger and stronger and just retreat into myself and never come out again...


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

(((Phoenix)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday)

You learned some valuable lessons here. It's not that your picker is broken. You should not have been picking to begin with. You filed for divorce TWO months ago. But not a word on how that is going. That should be your primary concern right now, not pursuing a relationship him. He is going through the same. You really should concentrate on yourself and get your business done before dating. It will make your life a lot easier. You're still going to have a lot more emotions to process with the death of your marriage. We've all had to deal with those too. Let him do the same. You will probably find that it will take longer than 12 months. Stop putting a timeframe on it. It heals when it heals. But you will know when deep inside when it does. You will find that some days you progress, but other days you take two steps back. Several years for me and I still experience that. Leave him alone and let him sort out his own post divorce life also. The two of you probably aren't broken...just heart broken. There's a difference.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

You learned some valuable lessons here. It's not that your picker is broken. You should not have been picking to begin with. You filed for divorce TWO months ago. But not a word on how that is going. That should be your primary concern right now, not pursuing a relationship him.

Haven't mentioned my divorce process because it's going just like it should be. Final hearing a week from tomorrow at 8 am. Everything was agreed to, no fuss, no drama. That part's pretty much over and done with. Nothing left for me to do there except show up in court; STBX killed off any feelings months ago.

And for the record - I didn't actively pick, Sean. That hurts that you said that. Actively picking is signing up for dating sites, etc. You've kinda make it sound like I went 'hey I just left a crappy sitch, I'm not mortally wounded enough, let me run right out and get involved with someone new'... I wasn't looking AT ALL when Jay and I reconnected. But I am human and was dumb enough to lower the shields. It's a mistake I won't repeat ever again.

Leave him alone and let him sort out his own post divorce life also. The two of you probably aren't broken...just heart broken. There's a difference.

Agreed. The problem with his kids is, his Ex had a full on very public meltdown in front of them when she realized he'd had a date with someone, made them cry, they're looking at him saying 'dad can't you fix this'. The kids (15 and 13) want their parents back together. Which is what all kids want. Whether he returns to that relationship to make his kids happy again is completely his choice. Totally get that, want no part of that drama. Also wouldn't wish that scenario on anyone.

But there's still such a thing as common courtesy.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

...especially since he told me on our date that he was 'falling in love with me'.

You say a lot of things that contradict yourself. You don't have to be actively on a OLD site to be interested in dating someone. Many of our relationships begin when we aren't looking for them. But you said yourself you were on a date with him. Maybe I misunderstood.

You've kinda make it sound like I went 'hey I just left a crappy sitch, I'm not mortally wounded enough, let me run right out and get involved with someone new'

I'm sorry, and gentle here, but that's exactly what it sounds like to me in reading everything you've posted about this guy.

As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you. So he's shut down. Give him some time and he'll come around. Maybe not to get involved further in a relationship with you, but at least to explain what he's been feeling. My gut tells me he's realized that he's not ready for this. And that he needs to concentrate on his children right now. I guaranty you that they need his support more than you right now. And that's a good man and father right there.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)

As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you.

I'm guessing this ^^^ is true.

It sucks for both of you, but if he's on the receiving end of ex-drama, he's probably just putting all his energy into putting out that fire.

Which doesn't make him an asshole. He's probably just in survival mode and has no clue what to do.

You both moved too quickly and you both got burned.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Jay's an AWESOME dad, no question. You hear people saying they'd do anything for their kids; I doubt most are as sincere about that statement as he is. As a parent myself I totally applaud that. He's never not been there for his kids, and they and anyone who knows him knows it. And they desperately need him; he's the only stable parent they have.

I do sincerely hope that they're okay, but also that he's okay. He has a tremendous amount of stuff to wade through and deal with. Hopefully at some point his world will calm down enough and he'll be able to at least let me know that he's at least physically okay. (His health is not the best, four heart attacks to date, and all this can't be helping that much).

As for me? Return focus to work, and this God-awful statistics class I have to get through for my MBA, and start the house-hunting thing once next week's paperwork is complete, and continue the IC and self-work. And for the foreseeable future, run really hard in the other direction from any man showing any interest at all.

I am more broken than I thought.


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

this God-awful statistics class I have to get through for my MBA

Gah!

You can do this!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

@ Faith - LMAO

This class BLOWS. There's really no other word for it. Just finishing up week 2, it's a six week online class so a LOT of moving pieces since it's cramming a semester's worth of info into such a short timeframe. Add to that the fact that I have never, ever been good at algebra-type stuff, and yeah, I'm sooo gonna Snoopy dance if I manage to pull out a B in this course. Right now I have a 100 coming out of Week One, the best I can do Week Two is an 84 (bombed the quiz) which will put me at a 94 cumulative going forward. Thank God for the discussion questions!


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
jemimapd
Member
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you. So he's shut down

Maybe. But we are discussing a grown adult here. Not a teenager. And being an adult means doing the right thing even when it feels uncomfortable.

All this guy has to do is sit down and write a short explanatory email to Phoenix. Assuming it is too uncomfortable for him to call. He was apparently her friend and he has treated her very poorly.

Not communicating when you have promised to is at best rude. Personally I think it is an awful way to treat someone.

Our own fears and insecurities don't give us a pass on hurting other people. And neither does having children. If he's such a great Dad, that includes teaching his children to treat other people with kindness and respect.

I have children. I have a job. I have a load of trauma in my life. But none of that means I can drop people out of my life without any thought for their feelings.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 1:26 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Well...at least now I know he's still alive; I've been unfriended and blocked on FB.

You know what? Fuck him. My only mistake was stepping out on faith toward him to begin with. I thought that perhaps us being friends for literally years would withstand whatever else was happening. I was wrong.

His loss, not mine. Onward and upward.

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 6:27 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

geesh….my guess, if you think the kids are pushing for him and his ex to R….then maybe he doesn't want you to see what is going on.

I"m sorry. What a crappy move to pull.

Live and learn, its all you can do.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4140 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Wow, uh, yeah. That's a no-class move.

He did not handle that well at all.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17390 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
ruinedandbroken
Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

Well...at least now I know he's still alive; I've been unfriended and blocked on FB.

Wow! What an ass!


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
PhoenixRising88
Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)

I know right? If things have changed and he's getting back with his ex, for whatever reason, damn dude just nut up and say so. He and I had been very open and not pulled a single punch with each other - until this. Him being honest about it would still have hurt, but it would have hurt way less than being sneaky or childish or just poofing without a word. And the friendship might have remained intact. But just to disappear like that? Rude is a polite term for it.

My sister's had a front row seat for all this. Her take was that he's caved and gotten back with his ex to make his kids happy and the ex has insisted I be blocked. Whatever the reasons behind the crappy actions are, they to me at this point are immaterial, it still blows.

I'm glad we didn't get any further down this road, I can tell you that. I would have hated to experience this after investing months or more into this man. At least he showed his true colors early on. The reason for it doesn't matter anymore.

I can definitely say this - Once I get burnt by someone and/or decide I'm done, they don't get another shot. This door is closed, permanently, because of this; not the scenario itself, but the way he chose to handle it. I don't give a damn if he felt like he had no other option. He handled this very very poorly. His loss.

This experience has taught me two very valuable things -

One, that I really need to take a close look within myself and seriously tweak some things. Up until now I've been an all-or-nothing type where giving my heart is concerned. Need to rethink that. Maybe find a middle ground somehow where I'm not locking myself away in a tower forever, but also not going 'all in' until much further in the process to give myself a chance to quite frankly weed out the cray-cray. Something I will be talking to IC about on the 12th.

Two, that I need to spin my thinking a bit. Like the song "Baby I Call Hell" by Deap Vally goes:

"And if you wanna serve me / Show me you deserve me / 'Cause if you really love me / Be a bigger man than you"

To this point in my romantic life I seem to have taken the approach of someone being interested = that someone automatically being worth MY interest in return! And I honestly never realized that until my baby sister lovingly 2x4'd me, telling me I need to (a)give myself more credit and recognize how wonderful I am and (b)'stop letting people who aren't worthy of me 'steal my light' and instead hold out for someone whose light shines at least as bright as mine.

Man I have work to do...

[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 9:56 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 25